suitably*woundedYou got your religion in my life! You got your life in my religion!
November 16th 2006 23:19
[With kudos to the groovy old Reese's Peanut Butter Cups commercial of my youth. Also, as I have a lot of issues here, be forewarned that this may be rather humorless and that my personal experiences might be offensive to some. It is just background crap anyway, if you'd rather skip it. Regardless, if I upset anyone, I'm very sorry. I'm not trying to be disrespectful or blasphemous, simply honest.]
My intent is to establish how I got to be who I am. After cueing up that theme to whatever TV show that was; This is my story....
We only went to church sporadically when I was a kid. I can remember wearing too frilly dresses (ugh), hating going to the cold, clinical, separate building that was the Sunday school class and otherwise feeling itchy a lot.
The only positive thing, in my humble opinion, that came out of the whole brouhaha was getting to go to the very cheesy Pancho's on the way home. Oh, and we used to pass the Dallas fairgrounds and some company that had a couple of decrepit floats ( ! ) in their courtyard. That was always a treat too.
However, amazingly, we didn't hit the big, special holiday must-attend sermons. I'm not really sure why, unless it was another example of my mother's refusal to allow anyone to be in control, like God, but her. Although, I'm sure upon occasion we did indeed put in an appearance. All of this eventually dwindled down to less than a trickle by the time I was in sixth grade. Then all hell (pun intended) broke loose.
The year was 1980 and my maternal grandfather died. He'd led a good life and had reached the ripe old age of 82 when he passed away due to a heart attack. My mother was devastated because, until me, her father was the only person she loved beyond belief. And of course, faced with her own mortality, mom decided it was time to pay the piper on this earth before she had to do so in a much more mandatory and permanent fashion.
Thus began our journey, in earnest, into the religious abyss. And much of my pain.
Sadly for me, we weren't something a little more restrained. No, our flavor of opium fell distinctly on the side of non-denominational. Or read; what many refer to a fundamentalist Christians. That meant, in my context, a young earth creationist, PRO-lifer, Chick tract distributor, biblical literalist and rapture believer. Back in that day, Mike Warnke was actually considered funny and a espouser of truth. We listened to Stryper (see below),
vowed chastity until marriage and thought homosexuality was a choice. From 13 until roughly 21, I never uttered a profane word. Thankfully, I've made up for it since then.
Anyway, I constantly feared I was still going to hell. Because I'd coveted someone else's Jordache jeans, allowed my boyfriend during my senior year to put his hand on my ass (see?), listened to Boy George or didn't carry the Holy Word (which translated to Not Standing Up For Jesus!) with me to school that day. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. I might not get in yet, you know? What if I were run down by a bus in a parking lot somewhere and I died before I could confess that I'd lied about whether or not I'd finished my home work? Or had an embolism during the night and I though ugly things towards my dad during dinner? I just knew, that no matter what, I was screwed.
Then everything changed, and to quote R.E.M. (but I'm really wondering if perhaps Amy Grant should've sang this first), I lost my religion. Of course, even saying that back then would've induced much denial, frustration and disdain. When you are born again that's a whole different variety than anything else. You can't possibly be lumped in with something so unequal or worthy as your spiritual relationship with the Heavenly Father.
Tomorrow, I'm hoping I'll feel less bitter to expound upon the rest and exactly what the hell (hehe again) it was like to no longer have any faith and what that means for me now.
Like I said, this is a really touchy subject for me and I'm still trying to work stuff out a bit. I'm sure you could never tell, right? Again, I apologize for being such a downer. I promise that shortly I will return at cracking jokes at my own expense. Thank you for indulging me by reading "Kemi's Left Behind" series, chapter 1.
Graceless and, as always, in peaces,
~Kemi
Image of Stryper courtesy: Metal Sludge
My intent is to establish how I got to be who I am. After cueing up that theme to whatever TV show that was; This is my story....
We only went to church sporadically when I was a kid. I can remember wearing too frilly dresses (ugh), hating going to the cold, clinical, separate building that was the Sunday school class and otherwise feeling itchy a lot.
The only positive thing, in my humble opinion, that came out of the whole brouhaha was getting to go to the very cheesy Pancho's on the way home. Oh, and we used to pass the Dallas fairgrounds and some company that had a couple of decrepit floats ( ! ) in their courtyard. That was always a treat too.
However, amazingly, we didn't hit the big, special holiday must-attend sermons. I'm not really sure why, unless it was another example of my mother's refusal to allow anyone to be in control, like God, but her. Although, I'm sure upon occasion we did indeed put in an appearance. All of this eventually dwindled down to less than a trickle by the time I was in sixth grade. Then all hell (pun intended) broke loose.
The year was 1980 and my maternal grandfather died. He'd led a good life and had reached the ripe old age of 82 when he passed away due to a heart attack. My mother was devastated because, until me, her father was the only person she loved beyond belief. And of course, faced with her own mortality, mom decided it was time to pay the piper on this earth before she had to do so in a much more mandatory and permanent fashion.
Thus began our journey, in earnest, into the religious abyss. And much of my pain.
Sadly for me, we weren't something a little more restrained. No, our flavor of opium fell distinctly on the side of non-denominational. Or read; what many refer to a fundamentalist Christians. That meant, in my context, a young earth creationist, PRO-lifer, Chick tract distributor, biblical literalist and rapture believer. Back in that day, Mike Warnke was actually considered funny and a espouser of truth. We listened to Stryper (see below),
The Premier Heavy Metal Christian Rock Band of the 80s
Anyway, I constantly feared I was still going to hell. Because I'd coveted someone else's Jordache jeans, allowed my boyfriend during my senior year to put his hand on my ass (see?), listened to Boy George or didn't carry the Holy Word (which translated to Not Standing Up For Jesus!) with me to school that day. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. I might not get in yet, you know? What if I were run down by a bus in a parking lot somewhere and I died before I could confess that I'd lied about whether or not I'd finished my home work? Or had an embolism during the night and I though ugly things towards my dad during dinner? I just knew, that no matter what, I was screwed.
Then everything changed, and to quote R.E.M. (but I'm really wondering if perhaps Amy Grant should've sang this first), I lost my religion. Of course, even saying that back then would've induced much denial, frustration and disdain. When you are born again that's a whole different variety than anything else. You can't possibly be lumped in with something so unequal or worthy as your spiritual relationship with the Heavenly Father.
Tomorrow, I'm hoping I'll feel less bitter to expound upon the rest and exactly what the hell (hehe again) it was like to no longer have any faith and what that means for me now.
Like I said, this is a really touchy subject for me and I'm still trying to work stuff out a bit. I'm sure you could never tell, right? Again, I apologize for being such a downer. I promise that shortly I will return at cracking jokes at my own expense. Thank you for indulging me by reading "Kemi's Left Behind" series, chapter 1.
Graceless and, as always, in peaces,
~Kemi
****************
Image of Stryper courtesy: Metal Sludge
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Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
Sheeeeeeesh.
I wanna have you in a pair of Jordache jeans bayyybeee.
Comment by suitably*wounded
Eternal Days; Author: Illness, M.
You'd think I would've listened to Tiffany too, right? And what about you? I need something to envision over here too you know....
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
I had white denim super-taper jeans, white tennis shoes, a red string t-shirt, and a straw hat ... and I hung out at the local plaza ....
Comment by Adrian
Philosophy Blog
I was sort of raised religiously, and sort of not. Definitely non-religious at home, but dosed with scripture classes at school.
I sort of find, both in myself, and in other people, that you never really uninstall the program completely. Sometimes it's a matter of religious beliefs still hanging around, and sometimes it's a matter of old beliefs morphing into new types of "spirituality".
But (deterministic theme) perhaps abandoning religion is not something one can choose. Maybe it's simply not a factual belief like the belief that George Bush's middle initial is "W". Perhaps it's more embodied.
Comment by ChrisM
ok, thats enough ranting for one day. i look foward to the next installment.
p.s- ta for the comment on my blog.
Comment by suitably*wounded
Eternal Days; Author: Illness, M.
Also, it makes it's self felt via being anathema to what I was before. For example, I'm hugely a pro-GLBT supporter and that's in direct opposition to what is spouted by the church and encouraged by their homophobia. The same can be said for me now being pro-choice, believing in the right to die with dignity and any other issues that are usually reserved for the purview of conservatives only. Usually.
However, I simply don't behave and think the way I do to rebel against my upbringing. Instead, it's more of a by-product of the changes in my life. And I can wholeheartedly get behind the deterministic theme you mention. I, for one, have trouble anyway with the whole concept of free will, because, in my humble opinion, it is illusory at best and delusional at worst.
Thanks always for checking out my blatherings. You know I'll be hanging around your place again soon. =)
Comment by suitably*wounded
Eternal Days; Author: Illness, M.
Then we can scream together. =D
Comment by suitably*wounded
Eternal Days; Author: Illness, M.
does that mean you have lost faith in the concept of the divine itself?
I certainly don't feel that I've lost faith in the 'concept' of divinity. I believe there is as apt to be a G/god(s) as there is not, but as the agnostic's stated opinion, we just have no way of knowing one way or the other. Does that count?
All the things you mention that comprise 'institutionalized' (great word!) religion, are equally off putting for me as well. However, I think our approach came at it a bit different than yours. If I'm being presumptuous here, please just let me know.
You see, we were more of the "store front" variety type church. No rituals to speak of, no authority that had to be subjected further up the religious food chain. No doctrine / dogma that had been established or evolved forever and ever. We were more flying by the seats of our pants, if you will.
And your description of where you are now, pretty much sums up where I'd place myself on the continuum as well (if you don't mind sharing). Before I couldn't reconcile so much, but by taking the cornucopia approach I employ these days, I have more answers than questions. So, for the first time I feel peace (or more so) than fear. It's unbelievably liberating. =)
Thank you all for posting such wonderfully thought-provoking comments and queries. This is exactly what I was hoping for. Y'all rock!