Would you go to these fictional schools?
July 1st 2010 13:32
Yesterday was the last day of school. In honour of the real beginning of summer, I present a report card of cool--by which I mean geeky--fictional schools. They make for interesting reading/viewing, but if these schools were real, I would think twice before sending my kids to some of them.
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Location: Somewhere in Scotland
Motto: Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus (Never Tickle a Sleeping Dragon)
Overview: A boarding school for witches and wizards in training, this is home to Harry Potter ten months out of the year. The fact that magic exists, and the school itself, is hidden from the Muggle (non-magic) world. Classes include topics such as Defense Against the Dark Arts, Herbology, Potions, and Divination. (Which makes me wonder: Where are the non-magic subjects in the curriculum, like math and English? Don't witches and wizards have to read and write and figure out how to pay bills like everyone else in the world?)
Assessment: You don't always know who you can trust--especially when it comes to the teachers. Also, the hideous Chamber of Secrets (where an enormous basilisk lives) is hidden below the school. However, faculty members include many powerful and good wizards and witches, who do their best to protect the children. Plus, a certain student with a lightning-bolt-shaped scar on his forehead usually manages to save the day (granted, he is also often the cause of the trouble).
Grade: Pass magna cum laude
Miskatonic University
Location: Arkham, Massachusetts
Overview: An ivied New England university, this fixture of H. P. Lovecraft's fiction is probably the least well-known school on this list. Educated bachelors often visit the university to research fantastic stories (often small-town lore which is at first dismissed by the rational bachelor). Lovecraft's reputation is eclipsed by that of fellow New England native Edgar Allan Poe, though Poe's stories are mostly in the horror/mystery vein, whereas Lovecraft often incorporates conventions of science fiction. Lovecraft's themes of an ancient evil driven underground (or underwater) during the era of humans, and the danger hidden in arcane texts, is present in many later narratives (see Sunnydale High School below).
Assessment: Miskatonic University is famous for its vast library, which boasts an extensive archive of eldritch texts on the occult. Students and visiting scholars should keep their distance from certain works, such as the Necronomicon--and they definitely should not read it aloud at a Stonehenge-like site in the dead of night.
Grade: Conditional pass (Stay away from the occult texts!)
Starfleet Academy
Location: San Francisco, California
Motto: Ex astris, scientia. (From the stars, knowledge.)
Overview: The academy is the training school for Starfleet recruits established in the 24th century. Yes, it's just a glorified military academy, but what glory. Undergrads can study subjects such as basic warp design, temporal mechanics, exobiology, and stellar cartography. There's also a medical school, a law school, and courses designed for officers aspiring to bridge command. Politically, the academy upholds the ideals of the United Federation of Planets, which is kind of like the United Nations of the future.
Assessment: The school has a diverse student and instructor population, representing species and cultures from more than 100 planets. Aside from perhaps the Nova Squadron scandal (in which cadets performed a banned flying stunt, resulting in one death), not much can tarnish the reputation of this school. Attacks on the academy are always possible, although a fear of major retaliation would probably nullify any real threats.
Score: Pass summa cum laude (Fail if you're a Luddite or xenophobe)
Sunnydale High School
Location: Sunnydale, California
Motto: Formatia trans sicere educatorum (Enter all you who seek knowledge)
Overview: The town of Sunnydale is virtually overrun with demon activity, and no wonder-- the high school library (remember Lovecraft?) is situated right above the Hellmouth. Luckily, students are protected by Buffy Summers, vampire slayer (and her cohorts). The school librarian/Buffy's erstwhile Watcher also happens to have many useful reference books on demonology and magicks.
Assessment: Many students won't make it to graduation. (Tidbit: 1999's graduating class had the school's lowest-ever mortality rate. That same year, the school was destroyed.) Just a fraction of the horrors that students have run into: vampires, werewolves, evil witches, vengeance demons, a giant praying mantis, ghosts, demon summoners, an invisible murderous girl, kids possessed by hyena spirits, and a demonic computer program.
Score: Fail with no possibility of appeal
William McKinley High School
Location: Lima, Ohio
Overview: This is a stereotypical high school in a midwestern town, where nerds (e.g., AV club types) get tossed in dumpsters, football players are homophobic bullies, and social outcasts get "slushied". McKinley High's sports teams are mediocre, with the exception of the championship-winning cheerleading squad. The school also has a struggling glee club. But, as people like to say, the kids have a lot of heart. This is a school for underdogs.
Assessment: Words that describe some faculty members are clueless and wimpy (sorry), ineffectual, and neurotic, but aside from mean cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester, their character flaws usually don't affect the students adversely. It's not ideal, but at least students' lives are never in danger.
Score: Pass (Fail if you hate showtunes)
Xavier Institute for Higher Learning
Location: Salem Center, New York
Overview: Charles Xavier ("Professor X"), a weathy and powerful mutant, converts his mansion into the headquarters for the X-Men and a school for younger mutants. Formerly called Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters (which I think has a kind of nerdy charm to it), the school helps mutants harness and develop their powers. It's like an alternative school, but for mutants instead of "at risk" kids.
Assessment: The Xavier Institute provides a welcoming environment that young mutants might not otherwise have in a hostile society. However, having the X-Men's HQ and the school share the same location is a bit silly. Even with the mansion's advanced security systems, a handful of mutants is at times no match for a planned full-scale attack--parts of the mansion have been destroyed and rebuilt more than once.
Score: Fail
There are more schools in the worlds of books, comics, movies, and TV, but I limited this list to ones that my son is familiar with. And though I had to fail a few schools, I like or love all of these fictions (with the exception of Harry Potter, to which I'm indifferent). Note to my boy: You had a great year, congratulations!
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Location: Somewhere in Scotland
Motto: Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus (Never Tickle a Sleeping Dragon)
Overview: A boarding school for witches and wizards in training, this is home to Harry Potter ten months out of the year. The fact that magic exists, and the school itself, is hidden from the Muggle (non-magic) world. Classes include topics such as Defense Against the Dark Arts, Herbology, Potions, and Divination. (Which makes me wonder: Where are the non-magic subjects in the curriculum, like math and English? Don't witches and wizards have to read and write and figure out how to pay bills like everyone else in the world?)
Assessment: You don't always know who you can trust--especially when it comes to the teachers. Also, the hideous Chamber of Secrets (where an enormous basilisk lives) is hidden below the school. However, faculty members include many powerful and good wizards and witches, who do their best to protect the children. Plus, a certain student with a lightning-bolt-shaped scar on his forehead usually manages to save the day (granted, he is also often the cause of the trouble).
Grade: Pass magna cum laude
Miskatonic University
Location: Arkham, Massachusetts
Overview: An ivied New England university, this fixture of H. P. Lovecraft's fiction is probably the least well-known school on this list. Educated bachelors often visit the university to research fantastic stories (often small-town lore which is at first dismissed by the rational bachelor). Lovecraft's reputation is eclipsed by that of fellow New England native Edgar Allan Poe, though Poe's stories are mostly in the horror/mystery vein, whereas Lovecraft often incorporates conventions of science fiction. Lovecraft's themes of an ancient evil driven underground (or underwater) during the era of humans, and the danger hidden in arcane texts, is present in many later narratives (see Sunnydale High School below).
Assessment: Miskatonic University is famous for its vast library, which boasts an extensive archive of eldritch texts on the occult. Students and visiting scholars should keep their distance from certain works, such as the Necronomicon--and they definitely should not read it aloud at a Stonehenge-like site in the dead of night.
Grade: Conditional pass (Stay away from the occult texts!)
Starfleet Academy
Location: San Francisco, California
Motto: Ex astris, scientia. (From the stars, knowledge.)
Overview: The academy is the training school for Starfleet recruits established in the 24th century. Yes, it's just a glorified military academy, but what glory. Undergrads can study subjects such as basic warp design, temporal mechanics, exobiology, and stellar cartography. There's also a medical school, a law school, and courses designed for officers aspiring to bridge command. Politically, the academy upholds the ideals of the United Federation of Planets, which is kind of like the United Nations of the future.
Assessment: The school has a diverse student and instructor population, representing species and cultures from more than 100 planets. Aside from perhaps the Nova Squadron scandal (in which cadets performed a banned flying stunt, resulting in one death), not much can tarnish the reputation of this school. Attacks on the academy are always possible, although a fear of major retaliation would probably nullify any real threats.
Score: Pass summa cum laude (Fail if you're a Luddite or xenophobe)
Sunnydale High School
Location: Sunnydale, California
Motto: Formatia trans sicere educatorum (Enter all you who seek knowledge)
Overview: The town of Sunnydale is virtually overrun with demon activity, and no wonder-- the high school library (remember Lovecraft?) is situated right above the Hellmouth. Luckily, students are protected by Buffy Summers, vampire slayer (and her cohorts). The school librarian/Buffy's erstwhile Watcher also happens to have many useful reference books on demonology and magicks.
Assessment: Many students won't make it to graduation. (Tidbit: 1999's graduating class had the school's lowest-ever mortality rate. That same year, the school was destroyed.) Just a fraction of the horrors that students have run into: vampires, werewolves, evil witches, vengeance demons, a giant praying mantis, ghosts, demon summoners, an invisible murderous girl, kids possessed by hyena spirits, and a demonic computer program.
Score: Fail with no possibility of appeal
William McKinley High School
Location: Lima, Ohio
Overview: This is a stereotypical high school in a midwestern town, where nerds (e.g., AV club types) get tossed in dumpsters, football players are homophobic bullies, and social outcasts get "slushied". McKinley High's sports teams are mediocre, with the exception of the championship-winning cheerleading squad. The school also has a struggling glee club. But, as people like to say, the kids have a lot of heart. This is a school for underdogs.
Assessment: Words that describe some faculty members are clueless and wimpy (sorry), ineffectual, and neurotic, but aside from mean cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester, their character flaws usually don't affect the students adversely. It's not ideal, but at least students' lives are never in danger.
Score: Pass (Fail if you hate showtunes)
Xavier Institute for Higher Learning
Location: Salem Center, New York
Overview: Charles Xavier ("Professor X"), a weathy and powerful mutant, converts his mansion into the headquarters for the X-Men and a school for younger mutants. Formerly called Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters (which I think has a kind of nerdy charm to it), the school helps mutants harness and develop their powers. It's like an alternative school, but for mutants instead of "at risk" kids.
Assessment: The Xavier Institute provides a welcoming environment that young mutants might not otherwise have in a hostile society. However, having the X-Men's HQ and the school share the same location is a bit silly. Even with the mansion's advanced security systems, a handful of mutants is at times no match for a planned full-scale attack--parts of the mansion have been destroyed and rebuilt more than once.
Score: Fail
There are more schools in the worlds of books, comics, movies, and TV, but I limited this list to ones that my son is familiar with. And though I had to fail a few schools, I like or love all of these fictions (with the exception of Harry Potter, to which I'm indifferent). Note to my boy: You had a great year, congratulations!
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