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Working Title - by Hazel Castillo

 
Just like movies filming... my life has a working title. ss_blog_claim=0495ff3fbd2eb63185104629064ee6a0

Multi-tasking fail.

I hate this.

I wake up with no "to-do" list in mind. I wanted a weekend. Before the week ended though, I did tell myself I'd do some work done. Yes, I know - never bring work home. I just needed to do a few things that I know I might not be able to get to as the work week unfolds because of newer things coming in.

I slept in which is great, right?

I started with a light breakfast of Bruschetta with pesto and coffee. lots of it. Then I thought of what to make for lunch - opened the fridge and realized that hey, i should organize meals for the week. Fine, that was lodged in my "to-do" list in my head. I saw some veggies I thought should be rinsed and transferred on a different container - pinned on the to-do list.


After breakfast, I remembered the "must-do-over-the-weekend" work I planned - pinned!

Oh but the dining table and breakfast nook has so much stuff that could be organized further to make them look neater. - pinned!

While I set up my work station on the dining table after I organized some stuff - I was also cooking lunch.

Boot up my laptop and put on my '90's playlist which I have just downloaded - check facebook, twitter, emails... oh no.

What was I supposed to do again? Ah, right, the work thing.

Now where did I put that again? ah, my external hard drive - or no, the thumbdrive. - better get both of them to be sure.

Ah, hey look old files! oh and she said what on twitter?!

Great.

Now I'm on wordpress typing this with the actual work 5% done.

FAIL.
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Drawing a Blank

I've been wanting to write something for a while.

While sitting down in a cafe, I think of something I want to write and say to myself -- I'll blog this when I get home.

Watching a movie by myself, I usually have insights I want to share or simply write down -- but, Facebook & Twitter happens instead.

I miss writing. I miss reading as well... but for the life of me, I just don't feel like it when I find the time.

Thoughts are floating on my mind so eloquently... but with my laptop in front of me - I draw a blank.

I'm watching You've Got Mail at the moment and this is my all-time-feel-good movie. This movie made me realize writing into the void can make you feel better. This movie made me love the internet.


Nowadays, I go online with the intention of writing something -- to relieve stress, anger, rant or rave -- but I end up on Facebook or Twitter. I sort of hate the internet now. It shows you way too much. The "what you don't know won't hurt you" is a little difficult to come by. We can barely concentrate on one thing at a time - first there's multi-tasking doing different stuff with your computer while being online -- now you can even be online looking at several different sites in one browser!

Whatever happened to plain blogging? Emailing collective stories to each other? Snail mail's gone more obsolete than ever now that Email's also become old-fashioned. Who still email people? not much. Most of the time, I use email for work or business related correspondence - customer service, membership queries, etc. Gone were the days when I would write "Dear Blah...."

People were more eloquent when emails were still constructed more formally. Even at work, email writing's become so informal and a little too straight forward. No need for introductions, pleasantries, etc - what you want, who you are and what their options are - that's about it.

You've got mail reminded me how exciting it was to meet strangers online - innocently. No malice, no "date-rape" scenarios in your head, no fear of stalking or crazy people - just plainly meeting strangers and connecting with people who truly have similarities with you.

I digress. I thought, said I was drawing a blank. Now I just babbled.
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Restless...

That's what I've been the past... oh, for the longest time. Restless.

Literally and figuratively.

My week starts, I wake up, go to work -- go home, make dinner, chat a bit with my son and struggle getting him to take a bath and go to bed. I sleep and the cycle goes again.

Week ends and I barely have any idea where it goes. Yes, I go out with friends or my sister and her boyfriend for a movie -- but they all seem like ... going through the motions.

Empty.

I'm always tired.

At work, I, well... work. At the middle of the day, I start drifting off, wishing I could go home a little early so I can rest a bit - but that obviously doesn't happen. I get home around 6pm and the dinner, bath, talk/chat and sleep routine goes on until it's 10 or 11pm already without me noticing or knowing where time went.

At home on weekends, I always "plan" on sleeping in, but guess what? It doesn't happen. My body wakes me up after 6 hours (or less) of sleep and no matter how much I try to, I just can't go back to sleep.

I'm always thinking. Thinking of things to do at work (when I'm home), and errands that need to get done (when I'm at work). My mind is NEVER in the right place lately and although, yes, I am accomplishing tasks, they're so empty and they don't feel right. something's missing.

When I do get to go out for a breather at work, I stay at the local Starbucks to just literally breathe. Even there, I can't seem to just sit down and breathe. My mind thinks of things to do or things that needs to get done. Work, errands, my son's school, his birthday, bills - anything and everything!

When I get just too darn tired of my day, I end up getting all sentimental or emotional. I cry too easily lately. I watch movies and any, and I mean ANY hint of a touching story - I effin' cry!

Partly, I admit -- I am lonely. I've got my son - that's what everybody tells me. But let me tell you something, it's human nature to still want to be with somebody. To have somebody to talk to, go home to someone at the end of a tiring day.

A son, especially a 6-year old, is not that somebody. To make matters worse, this is the age they start challenging you and questioning everything you tell them or ask them to do. My six year old is no longer a gullible little baby boy he's got a mind of his own and a very strong will and reason.

Every now and then I'm tempted to call, text or email my estranged husband and just blame him. Yell at him. Hate him for how my life's turned out. Then something just reminds me that my life actually has turned out better than if I stayed with him after all that's happened.

It's the loneliness I just can't cope with. I pity myself sometimes. I feel sorry for my sorry self who, for the past TWO years, have had NONE - not ONE - date, or anything close to it at all! I know dating isn't going to be the answer to my loneliness, but it sure will take my mind off the thought that this is how I'm going to grow old.

I guess, having had a glimpse of how it is to be a wife to a once wonderful husband. To have that someone to help you around the house. To have somebody give you a hug out of nowhere and for no reason at all.

I used to wake up weekends with breakfast in bed, or to laughters from my two boys. I used to be excited to go home because I can share my day with someone. I used to LOVE to cook and bake because someone always appreciated them. Now, I cook for my son and I and it's not the same. Someone used to share my thoughts, my music, books, movies...

I miss it. I miss the times when you're doing different things, you're not talking or not even looking at each other - yet everything feels right. everything feels light. I miss being special... feeling special because one person reveres you. adores you. I miss smiles that warm you up like wonderful sunshine in the fall. I miss sharing dreams and goals with. I miss driving with no destination. I miss food trips and road trips and both!

I miss it... I miss all of this and more... but I don't miss you. no, not at all.
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I'm back.. i think.

Oh wow. It's been ummm 2 years, at least since I last posted anything... and dear me, things have changed around here.

Looks nice, the frontpage/homepage. I'm still about to see what else has changed and try and resurrect my other blogs


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Oh Obama!

I have NEVER ever been interested in politics. Not in my home country and definitely not in any other countries.

Enter: US 2008 Elections


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When I'm In over my head

As I've endlessly blogged about in here and practically all of my other blogs, I'm in a roller coaster ride, dealing with issues with my husband and our marriage.

We've faught, we've made up, we've talked in whispers, in rage and in caring tones all within the past 4 months and yet we're still here. Unsure of where this marriage is going and what we're going to do


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Manila Traffic

Manila Traffic is Terrible!

I know it's already a fact, but it's never become this stressful to me before because I never traversed EDSA (the main road traversing Metro Manila) regularly especially not on rush hours


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Spanish Basketball Team Going Chinese

I was on my way to work yesterday. Listening to the morning radio show, I heard about this picture that the Spanish Basketball Team for the Olympics had taken. They pulled back their eyes to make it look slanted or chinky or in short Asian/Chinese.


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Been on Sabbatical (or have I?)

Forgive me for my absence the past week, when I promised I'd post daily for a more consistent blogging experience, things happened -- one of which was my child getting sick so I couldn't do much then. I would rather sleep when he was all better than go online and post.

Then I had a sort of farewell party come the weekend so really, I had no time in my hands despite being employed for the first time since I graduated college


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The Tonight Show WITHOUT Jay Leno?!

I was just reading this on CNN.com and it kinda makes me sad. I always watch those three -- Jay Leno, David Letterman and Conan O'Brien but if i'd have to rank them Jay Leno would be the first and Conan last.

To be quite honest, I find some of Conan's antics and one-liners to be trying too hard and Jay Leno's come quite naturally. I'd say those are gonna be big shoes to fill. I used to really watch Jay Leno every night especially since they play it here on cable just about 12 hours late so it's not bad


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