Smokin' Scripts : Week 1
January 23rd 2009 22:27
This is the first installment of my new weekly feature. The basic idea is this: I don’t control what goes on in Hollywood, and I should. Logically, then, the best way to correct this is for me to post my trailblazing script ideas here on Martian Movies. This will in turn cause an amazing vacuum in the film/time continuum, and I will suddenly be dining regularly with Coppola and Scorsese while McConaughey shines my shoes. Sweet justice! Let’s start this new tradition off right. These ideas will be horrible, but if all goes according to plan, their charm will be inspiring:
United Selebrities of America
A crisis has developed in the international sporting community. China/North Korea has developed the greatest basketball team the world has ever seen. Financed by drug money and Lord-knows-what-else, the team has been genetically enhanced to the point of hulking rage. As the Olympics approach, the unthinkable happens. The NBA All-Stars making up the US Olympic squad are kidnapped! At the last minute, a decision is made that the fate of the world will indeed hinge upon. The United States will send the first-ever Olympic Celebrity Basketball team to compete. The reason behind this decision would be cleverly hidden by hilarious, trailer-ready one-liners and gaffes. The roster:
Coach: Corbin Bernsen (Now, this may sound odd, but keep in mind two things. One, he was on LA Law. So he's from LA - celebrity capital of the universe. Two, IMDB describes him as "rugged, hirsutely handsome." Exactly. Combined with his veteran celebrity status, he knows how to be a success on and off the court.)
Point Guard: Tom Cruise (He’s like 4 foot 9, fast, and annoying as the devil. He’s basically Steve Nash, if Steve Nash was weird and probably gay.)
Wing guards: Casey and Ben Affleck (A power struggle for the ages. The power-player celebrity status of Ben versus the the underdog, “I’m actually better than my asshole brother Ben if someone would actually notice” attitude of Casey would result in a sibling rivalry where the number of downtown J-balls would determine the manliest Affleck. This would result in a combined 150 points a game, easily.)
Power forward: Wesley Snipes (This should not have to be explained.)
Center: Conan O’Brien (Wickid, wicked tall. Also, Conan would supply the majority of the teams wackiness, and also the vast majority of the team’s interviews.)
Caught up in their celebrity, the players at first have much to learn about playing as a team. Expected antics arise, such as the intense desire to not be sweaty, as well as a very general aversion to any sort of practice. However, Coach Bernsen, fueled by his wife’s suggestion of a divorce as well as never being able to please his father, is determined to lead the team to victory.
In the end, the USA prevails. However, it must be realized that the point of the story, indeed the very soul of the story, is not that the USA prevails. (I forgot to mention: “We Will Rock You” has to play during the big game, as it must in every feel-good sports movie.) When watching this ragtag group of millionaires come together, united by a sense of duty, vanity, and deep admiration for Corbin Bernsen, the viewer is mesmerized by the timeless inspiration that comes from the teacher learning from his pupils, and vice versa.
The final shot of the movie would be particularly emotional. As the theme song from “Chariots of Fire” softly fades up, the screen would fade to an extreme close-up of a pair of lips. Over the next two minutes, however, the camera would pull back slowly, eventually revealing a still frame of Corbin Bernsen’s rugged, satisfied face, beautifully capturing the emotion of a man who thought he was about to lose everything, but instead he gains more than he could ever dream of. As the lights eventually fade up, and the weeping in the theater finally subsides, a powerful rendition of “My Country, ‘Tis of Thee”, performed by the cast, would triumphantly mark the end of the experience.
United Selebrities of America
A crisis has developed in the international sporting community. China/North Korea has developed the greatest basketball team the world has ever seen. Financed by drug money and Lord-knows-what-else, the team has been genetically enhanced to the point of hulking rage. As the Olympics approach, the unthinkable happens. The NBA All-Stars making up the US Olympic squad are kidnapped! At the last minute, a decision is made that the fate of the world will indeed hinge upon. The United States will send the first-ever Olympic Celebrity Basketball team to compete. The reason behind this decision would be cleverly hidden by hilarious, trailer-ready one-liners and gaffes. The roster:
Coach: Corbin Bernsen (Now, this may sound odd, but keep in mind two things. One, he was on LA Law. So he's from LA - celebrity capital of the universe. Two, IMDB describes him as "rugged, hirsutely handsome." Exactly. Combined with his veteran celebrity status, he knows how to be a success on and off the court.)
Point Guard: Tom Cruise (He’s like 4 foot 9, fast, and annoying as the devil. He’s basically Steve Nash, if Steve Nash was weird and probably gay.)
Wing guards: Casey and Ben Affleck (A power struggle for the ages. The power-player celebrity status of Ben versus the the underdog, “I’m actually better than my asshole brother Ben if someone would actually notice” attitude of Casey would result in a sibling rivalry where the number of downtown J-balls would determine the manliest Affleck. This would result in a combined 150 points a game, easily.)
Power forward: Wesley Snipes (This should not have to be explained.)
Center: Conan O’Brien (Wickid, wicked tall. Also, Conan would supply the majority of the teams wackiness, and also the vast majority of the team’s interviews.)
Caught up in their celebrity, the players at first have much to learn about playing as a team. Expected antics arise, such as the intense desire to not be sweaty, as well as a very general aversion to any sort of practice. However, Coach Bernsen, fueled by his wife’s suggestion of a divorce as well as never being able to please his father, is determined to lead the team to victory.
In the end, the USA prevails. However, it must be realized that the point of the story, indeed the very soul of the story, is not that the USA prevails. (I forgot to mention: “We Will Rock You” has to play during the big game, as it must in every feel-good sports movie.) When watching this ragtag group of millionaires come together, united by a sense of duty, vanity, and deep admiration for Corbin Bernsen, the viewer is mesmerized by the timeless inspiration that comes from the teacher learning from his pupils, and vice versa.
The final shot of the movie would be particularly emotional. As the theme song from “Chariots of Fire” softly fades up, the screen would fade to an extreme close-up of a pair of lips. Over the next two minutes, however, the camera would pull back slowly, eventually revealing a still frame of Corbin Bernsen’s rugged, satisfied face, beautifully capturing the emotion of a man who thought he was about to lose everything, but instead he gains more than he could ever dream of. As the lights eventually fade up, and the weeping in the theater finally subsides, a powerful rendition of “My Country, ‘Tis of Thee”, performed by the cast, would triumphantly mark the end of the experience.
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