The Voices in my HeadWhere Does It Go When It Goes Away?
November 26th 2006 20:13
A Quiet Moment www.betterphoto.com
Have you ever tried to trace the steps of a lost friendship and find out where it all went wrong? Have you ever had the need to? I have. I am never sure of where to start looking or start retracing my steps.
I am going through this now...
It is a difficult road and it is one filled with questions.
What could I have done to have stopped it? When did I do or say that thing that made them do or say the things they did, which ended the friendship? Did I do anything? Is it my issue or is it theirs?
It's not a desire to place blame but to understand.
Why did this happen? Why would I be given the gift of an incredible friendship to wake up one morning and find that it has run away, hidden somewhere amidst a pile of words, which lose their meaning if not shared with someone else?
I miss my friend.
I miss the flowery words, the caustic wit, and the honesty.
I miss hours spent talking about nothing in particular. I miss the like-mindedness we shared about writing. And I wonder...
Where does that go when it leaves? Why must it leave?
Does it just vanish? Is there a place in the heavens for friendships that have died? Does it float around among us and create new friendships? Does it stay locked int he hearts of the no longer friends, waiting to be rekindled? Or do I give it too much credit?
If it was so easily made to leave, was it ever really there to begin with?
What is true friendship to you and is it possible to ever have an honest to goodness friendship online? Is that the appeal of online relationships, the ability to press a button and make it disappear?
In life, we are forced to deal with realities, so we monitor our words and our actions accordingly, because we must answer for them. Online, you do not have to open that email or read that post, you can simply walk away and never be bothered again.
Is that the appeal for those who sequester themselves away in an online world of their choosing? Those that do not seek out relationships in the real world, whose online name becomes their only identity? They can simply shut the friendship off, without explanation or cause?
I am not sad, today, as I write this. I know that my posts have taken a sad turn as of late. This will not be the case anymore. I do not find this post sad and I hope you don't either. I just wonder about friendship, in general.
My friends, the real question I want to ask is: what is true friendship to you? Do you have an online friend that you feel an honest connection to? One that you feel will stand the test of time whether you ever meet in this realm or not?
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Comment by Wendi
What I learned in the long run is that there's a huge difference between friends and acquaintances. Sometimes, the line between the two can be blurry.
Comment by Cibbuano
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Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
I have a girlfriend from Texas that I met online. We are still really good friends, but we made the mistake of visiting one another too soon. She came and stayed with me for a week, then we both went back to her house in Texas for a week. It was just WAY too much but we got past it.
Very well put about friendship and aquaintance. I like that a lot. You are right. It's hard because of the level of openness you tend to have online and its hard to know the difference sometimes.
Come back,
Voices~
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
I can definitely see your point on that. I do believe that the ultimate reason my friend that I met online, (see response to Wendi), and I have been able to maintain our friendship for so long is that we did meet in real life and spent some time together. I have also had friends in real life that I hooked up with so much online that real conversations seemed strange and forced. I even had the desire to punctuate comments with LOL... *smile*
Come back,
Voices~
Comment by LaurenD
Online friendships can drop out at anytime without a word. They are not like the ones where friends show up on the doorstep in tears or let you show up in theirs. They just can't be the same, despite their inherent value.
There is a gift with this online friendship thing, a lesson in life and in accepting the transient nature of our existence. Very Buddhist. When we meet and share it's good, we all learn, but I can have no hold, no expectations.
LaurenD
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
I think you are right. Online friendships do have a certain value...but none are so strong as the friendship which has been fostered over time, and tears, and joy.
Come back,
Voices~
Comment by LaurenD
Not easy, is it?
But it happens since we're all growing and changing all the time. Or are we staying the same and jsut seeing more clearly as we age? I don't know.
I'm just sorry to hear that you're going through, or have been through a bit of wrenching. It always sucks. For lack of a better word.
LaurenD
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
I am sorry about your friendship going awry. How long have you known this person? I am assuming this is an OFFline friendship?
I went through something very similiar in terms of the length of the friendship and it coming to an end, or as we refer to it now, a pause.
It My best friend, whom I have now been best friends with for 23 of my 34 years, was getting married to an AWFUL man. I begged, I pleaded, I cried to her about not marrying this man. Well, she did. He was a control freak and I was forbidden to see her or talk to her.
In time, of course, she left him and we started talking again after seven YEARS of absence, for all intents and purposes. It was not the same. It still to this day is not the same as it once was. It is better.
It took a lot of work, but we have weathered a horrible storm, we have given forgiveness for things said and done during that time, and I happily planned her wedding to her current husband, who is an angel on earth in my mind.
I say all that to say this, keep the faith. Your friendship can survive...it just may need to take a pause for a time...
Come back,
Voices~
Comment by LaurenD
That is so positive, so wonderful to hear. I'm so glad for you. And to hear that it all came back better and stronger, that is so good.
My offline friendship extends over a decade and it's been a matter of slow dissolving.
She dates married men, one after the other for the last 8 years, doesn't see a pattern in that and wants me to listen to all the details and be happy for her when I can't be. Usually guys from work, she works some 60 hours a week and moaned a lot to me about her situation.
I've tried to talk to her in a hundred different ways while asserting that I respect her choices even when I don't agree with them. I've listened a lot. But I'm all out of juice. And I told her so the last time we talked a couple of months ago.
<sigh> So I know what you're saying, we don't know how these stories will go. There are happy endings and maybe your online friend will come around again, too. People are so complicated, there's so much unseen.
Thank you for this place to talk. I hope things work out for the best for you, too.
LaurenD
BTW, hey, you're 34? I'm 35. The 30's are pretty cool, huh?
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
Aahhh. The married man and your best friend who dates them...it could be a book.
I understand your dilemma and I understand why you have run out of juice. It is one thing when a friend makes a bad choice that affects them, but when it also potentially affects unknowing -(or knowing)- wives and children, this is a different matter. It is like watching a friend consistently drink and drive who has accidents that maimes innocent people every time she does it. It is hard to be respectful of a choice like that. More power to you for being the friend you are to her and I hope she realizes that about you in time...
As for the thirties...I love it. I have so much more focus about my life than I have ever had. I soak up beauty. I respect life so much more now. I have become a sensualist...I would wear nothing but boho clothing, make love and write all day if I could...damn money and bills!
Come back,
Voices~
Comment by LaurenD
I love the fact that you have become a sensualist. Your thoughts on the 30's are right on. It's a freeing decade. And the boho clothing, yes, I understand. It's sarong weather over here in Brisbane now.
That's it, you've pegged how I feel with the drunk driver analogy. That's it precisely. And the children, hearing her talk about the children as if she's not causing harm there, I couldn't bear those conversations any longer and said so.
I hope she comes around and finds herself again, finds who she really wants to be aside from all this. I just want that for my friends, online or in person. To be who they really are, to desire the real self... and well, if the real self is a jackass, well, then so be it. an authentic jackass is better than a phony one.
Thank you for creating this space to speak, and for your responses. You have a good heart. Your online friend is losing someone unique, gentle, honest and compassionate here.
LaurenD
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
You are always welcome to come and express. If it off topic, we can always PM, too, if you would rather.
I thank you for your comments regarding my character...it means alot to me, truly.
Your friend may never stop dating married men and that is a decision you will have to make for yourself at that time, when and if that becomes apparent. I have another friend, who has an addiction. I literally exhausted myself with the discussions about it, about how to stop, and making plans with her to help with the process. Finally, we came to a point when I said, "No more." I didn't talk to her for several weeks and she knew why. I just couldn't waste my emotions like that. During that interim, I made some decisions and the next time we talked after that, I said, "Look, you are an adult. I am raising four kids of my own. I can't spend my energy on this anymore. If you are going to drink or use, do not call me anymore to come get you or give you a ride. I don't want to know about your using. I don't want to hear about it. I want no part of it." She agreed and we now focus on other things. That is not to say that it doesn't come up ever, but she knows that I am done being concerned over it. I just can't for my own well-being. You may have to consider doing that for yourself, for your own benefit about that entire aspect of her life.
As for sensualism...I think there should be a blog site dedicated just to that...I love erotica and prose and butterflies and hummingbirds and wind on my skin...I would love to visit a blog where these things were welcomed and enjoyed...wouldn't that be wonderful? I already have two...it's up to you to pick up that one...lol
Come back,
Voices~
Comment by LaurenD
And on your character, well, I know what I've read since I've joined this hotspot in september and you're only ever encouraging and respectful, but also direct, which is good. I appreciate that.
Four kids? You must be very busy. It must make the quality of the friendships more important, too, when the time factor is so precious.
I agree with your stance on your friendship. Once you've voiced your concern, the other still chooses the path. Then it's time to set a boundary. I did that in the last conversation and I think I'm still mourning a little bit. Quietly. I don't talk about it much, you know, trying to move on, but this here has been good.
A little understanding goes a long way. I am perpetually surprised by these blogs.
LaurenD
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
Perpetual surprise is better than perpetual confusion. lol
I am glad that you set some boundaries. Do not question it or grieve too deeply. There is no one lonelier than the woman who dates a married man. She will soon learn that or already has...thus, the need to discuss it with you so often rather than the man she is seeing.
I do hope you will consider the sensualist post, I am already thinking of possible names you may come up with...
Moonbathers -(ha)
Wind beneath my Breasts -(ha)
Come to Your Senses -(this one I kind of like...lol)
Oh the list is endless with possibilities!
Come back,
Voices~
Comment by LaurenD
Moonbathers... ever do that? Ooh, secret garden ritual!
And that Bette Midler song... very nice version you have there.
And Come to Your Senses... well that's very clever. I like that one a lot!
Very much agreed on the loneliest woman concept. True. That scares me a little. All part of the deal.
I love it when a surprise ends a bout a confusion.
LaurenD
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
No, I still haven't done that. It's nearly December...I don't plan on it, either! At least not until the summer.
'Come to Your Senses.' That's kind of great. We should have a battle cry...it could be a nice long sigh. "c)
Come back,
Voices~
Comment by LaurenD
I love it. I jsut can't figure out how to make another blog. Is it done through my.orble, new blog? So I don't need to set up a new www, right?
I just never figured this bit out.
LaurenD
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
You go to My Orble, and click on add new blog somewhere on the page and it will take you through the steps. If your current blog is a domain, the new one won't be, yet. If you contacted Orble to let them know you are interested in adding another domain, that might be something they would do. I was going to change this blog to a domain but I have too much going on right now to commit to the requirements. I just write on this one when I feel like it...which is pretty much everyday. *smile*
Come back,
Voices~
Comment by Deorre
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And, even in the ideal relationships, people all change. Many times the level of friendship may be altered as a result of that reality.
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
Do you think that is the ultimate appeal and therefore, the addiction, of online existence? The ability to be whoever and whatever you want and then end that when it comes too close to reality or too difficult to maintain the lies?
Come back,
Voices~
Comment by Always Eighteen
Always Eighteen
I met an ex girlfriend through MSN messenger, but in the end, I DID end up meeting her and we had physical contact.
I feel that online, I'm only wearing a mask.
I'm sorry about the loss of your friendship. I've lost a once best friend of mine, Dennis, due to our big heads and egos, and there are many times when I wonder where my other half has gone.
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
Have I ever told you how much I like your photo? I think I did a long time ago but it's worth repeating.
So, are you one of those we have discussed already, that prefers the online to the offline friendship? Other than said physical contact, I mean, of course.
Live, Let Live and Let Love Rule, <---(does that rock or what??)
Voices~
Comment by albea
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
Wow. It sounds like she IS a helluva friend! *giggle*
Live, Let Live and Let Love Rule,
Come Back,
Voices~