Dating Manners: First Dates
March 27th 2007 01:15
Seems like I read way too much these days from angry men and women, each accusing the other of being heartless and single-minded. Women accuse men of having only one thing on their minds; men accuse women of caring only about how much money a man makes.
Could this sad state of affairs be partly due to the decreased use of courtesy between the two? Not very long ago, people went on dates to get to know each other better; to talk to one another and enjoy each others' company. Nowadays I hear of and read horror stories about some of the rudeness that passes for social behavior on dates.
First Dates are not supposed to be like job interviews, unless both parties have made that clear (I'm looking for a spouse. You'll be judged by appearance, income, bra size, ability to cook, etc.etc.)
One is supposed to be on one's best behavior on first dates-not only to make a good impression, but to make each other comfortable. What makes you more comfortable with someone you don't know that well? Civilized behavior, or a free-spirited display (usually accompanied by the words, "This is the real me! Manners are for fakes! ")
The trouble with the let-it-all-hang-out approach is that it doesn't give anyone a chance to see you at your best. If they did see you at your best and got to like you for yourself over time, it might be easier to accept the fact that you don't make a lot of money, or aren't a lingerie model.
Could we reinstitute some dating rules for the sake of better relations, please?
Gentlemen: When you ask a lady out on a first date...
Show up on time, with the means to pay for all planned activities.
Wear appropriate, clean clothes.
Don't use rough or suggestive language.
When the date is over, take the lady home. If she asks you in for coffee, assume it is because she is offering you coffee and would like to talk to you a bit longer.
Remarks such as "Whaddya mean, goodnight? You know how much I spent on dinner?" are best kept to yourself. If you're the sort who regards a lady's company as negotiable for money or time spent--stop wasting your time and hers. There are professionals for that, and you don't even have to make polite conversation or take them to dinner.
Ladies: First of all, if you ask a man out on a date, you are the host; that means YOU pay. If a man asks you on the date, he pays. This the way it is, was, and always shall be! No exceptions! Let us assume for now that he has asked you on the date.
Be ready on time, and appropriately dressed. Going sailing or fishing does not require being "dressed up" . Going to a nice restaurant or the theatre does.
Accepting a date means keeping it. Cancelling for a "better offer" from someone else is unacceptable.
On the date, you are just as obligated as the gentleman to make interesting, polite conversation. Slighting remarks about the place he has taken you to, or comparisons with other dates, are inappropriate and rude.
Ladies and gentlemen: Keep ex-boyfriends, girlfriends and spouses out of the conversation for now. Ditto health problems, income, future family plans, and all other business of a personal nature. First dates are way too early to talk about such heavy subjects.
Ladies and gentlemen: Take "No" for an answer gracefully. This includes requests for a commitment to a second date, sexual relations, or a nightcap. Demanding to know the reason why, bursting into tears and saying "What's wrong with me?" or mentioning how much money was spent on the date are all unacceptable. "Well, just thought I'd ask. Thank you for a lovely time. Goodnight." That's pretty much all you can say without losing dignity.
Ladies and gentlemen: Say "No " gracefully. If you don't think any more time spent in each others' company is a good idea, the way to convey that is simple. "Thank you for a lovely time. Goodnight." It's a very useful phrase. Don't encourage false hope by saying "I'll call you" when you have no intentions of doing so. If the other person tries to pin you down to a commitment, " I'm sorry, but I'm going to be very busy for the next few months" should get the point across. "Dream on, loser!!" is unnecessary and mean.
Any other suggestions to add? Any pet peeves you have about dating? Feel free to unload here, in the interest of better communication between the sexes.
Could this sad state of affairs be partly due to the decreased use of courtesy between the two? Not very long ago, people went on dates to get to know each other better; to talk to one another and enjoy each others' company. Nowadays I hear of and read horror stories about some of the rudeness that passes for social behavior on dates.
One is supposed to be on one's best behavior on first dates-not only to make a good impression, but to make each other comfortable. What makes you more comfortable with someone you don't know that well? Civilized behavior, or a free-spirited display (usually accompanied by the words, "This is the real me! Manners are for fakes! ")
The trouble with the let-it-all-hang-out approach is that it doesn't give anyone a chance to see you at your best. If they did see you at your best and got to like you for yourself over time, it might be easier to accept the fact that you don't make a lot of money, or aren't a lingerie model.
Could we reinstitute some dating rules for the sake of better relations, please?
Gentlemen: When you ask a lady out on a first date...
Show up on time, with the means to pay for all planned activities.
Wear appropriate, clean clothes.
Don't use rough or suggestive language.
Remarks such as "Whaddya mean, goodnight? You know how much I spent on dinner?" are best kept to yourself. If you're the sort who regards a lady's company as negotiable for money or time spent--stop wasting your time and hers. There are professionals for that, and you don't even have to make polite conversation or take them to dinner.
Ladies: First of all, if you ask a man out on a date, you are the host; that means YOU pay. If a man asks you on the date, he pays. This the way it is, was, and always shall be! No exceptions! Let us assume for now that he has asked you on the date.
Be ready on time, and appropriately dressed. Going sailing or fishing does not require being "dressed up" . Going to a nice restaurant or the theatre does.
Accepting a date means keeping it. Cancelling for a "better offer" from someone else is unacceptable.
On the date, you are just as obligated as the gentleman to make interesting, polite conversation. Slighting remarks about the place he has taken you to, or comparisons with other dates, are inappropriate and rude.
Ladies and gentlemen: Keep ex-boyfriends, girlfriends and spouses out of the conversation for now. Ditto health problems, income, future family plans, and all other business of a personal nature. First dates are way too early to talk about such heavy subjects.
Ladies and gentlemen: Take "No" for an answer gracefully. This includes requests for a commitment to a second date, sexual relations, or a nightcap. Demanding to know the reason why, bursting into tears and saying "What's wrong with me?" or mentioning how much money was spent on the date are all unacceptable. "Well, just thought I'd ask. Thank you for a lovely time. Goodnight." That's pretty much all you can say without losing dignity.
Ladies and gentlemen: Say "No " gracefully. If you don't think any more time spent in each others' company is a good idea, the way to convey that is simple. "Thank you for a lovely time. Goodnight." It's a very useful phrase. Don't encourage false hope by saying "I'll call you" when you have no intentions of doing so. If the other person tries to pin you down to a commitment, " I'm sorry, but I'm going to be very busy for the next few months" should get the point across. "Dream on, loser!!" is unnecessary and mean.
Any other suggestions to add? Any pet peeves you have about dating? Feel free to unload here, in the interest of better communication between the sexes.
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