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Dating Manners: First Dates

SCREAMING CHILDREN! What to do?

What may we call each other?

Breastfeeding in public

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What constitutes bad manners? - by D. Armenta

..but don't tell me where you're from because I don't want any preconceived notions to get in the way. The beauty of Orble and other blogsites is that one can simply write about one's thoughts without having to be a representative of a particular race, gender, creed, religion, or country. In this way we can see each other as individuals and perhaps promote better relations with each other.
In my world, people are separated into only two groups: assholes and non-assholes. Above and beyond that, I'm not making any judgements until I get to know you better--if I want to know you better. I've met assholes of every race, gender, creed, religion, color and country; no one particular group has a monopoly of assholes.

My name is Dana.
I'm a professional drummer. I also work part-time at a resort on an island.
I love animals.
I love people as individuals but they can really piss me off as a whole sometimes.
I try not to be an asshole but I suppose I slip once in awhile, just like everyone else does.
I love to read, camp, kayak, sculpt, and write.
I love playing drums, and I love my vintage 1942 Slingerland Radio King kit, which I restored.
I have a rather earthy sense of humor and an imaginatively executed fart at the right time can still make me laugh hysterically.
I love getting older because I'm also getting wiser.
I served in the Navy for 10 years and lived in Asia.
I go on medical missions with my father-in-law to inoculate and treat kids in underdeveloped countries.

P.S.--I am also American. But like I said, I try real hard not to be an asshole.

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Dating Manners: First Dates

March 27th 2007 01:15

Seems like I read way too much these days from angry men and women, each accusing the other of being heartless and single-minded. Women accuse men of having only one thing on their minds; men accuse women of caring only about how much money a man makes.

Could this sad state of affairs be partly due to the decreased use of courtesy between the two? Not very long ago, people went on dates to get to know each other better; to talk to one another and enjoy each others' company. Nowadays I hear of and read horror stories about some of the rudeness that passes for social behavior on dates.

First Dates are not supposed to be like job interviews, unless both parties have made that clear (I'm looking for a spouse. You'll be judged by appearance, income, bra size, ability to cook, etc.etc.)

One is supposed to be on one's best behavior on first dates-not only to make a good impression, but to make each other comfortable. What makes you more comfortable with someone you don't know that well? Civilized behavior, or a free-spirited display (usually accompanied by the words, "This is the real me! Manners are for fakes! ")

The trouble with the let-it-all-hang-out approach is that it doesn't give anyone a chance to see you at your best. If they did see you at your best and got to like you for yourself over time, it might be easier to accept the fact that you don't make a lot of money, or aren't a lingerie model.

Could we reinstitute some dating rules for the sake of better relations, please?

Gentlemen: When you ask a lady out on a first date...

Show up on time, with the means to pay for all planned activities.

Wear appropriate, clean clothes.

Don't use rough or suggestive language.

When the date is over, take the lady home. If she asks you in for coffee, assume it is because she is offering you coffee and would like to talk to you a bit longer.

Remarks such as "Whaddya mean, goodnight? You know how much I spent on dinner?" are best kept to yourself. If you're the sort who regards a lady's company as negotiable for money or time spent--stop wasting your time and hers. There are professionals for that, and you don't even have to make polite conversation or take them to dinner.

Ladies: First of all, if you ask a man out on a date, you are the host; that means YOU pay. If a man asks you on the date, he pays. This the way it is, was, and always shall be! No exceptions! Let us assume for now that he has asked you on the date.

Be ready on time, and appropriately dressed. Going sailing or fishing does not require being "dressed up" . Going to a nice restaurant or the theatre does.

Accepting a date means keeping it. Cancelling for a "better offer" from someone else is unacceptable.

On the date, you are just as obligated as the gentleman to make interesting, polite conversation. Slighting remarks about the place he has taken you to, or comparisons with other dates, are inappropriate and rude.

Ladies and gentlemen: Keep ex-boyfriends, girlfriends and spouses out of the conversation for now. Ditto health problems, income, future family plans, and all other business of a personal nature. First dates are way too early to talk about such heavy subjects.

Ladies and gentlemen: Take "No" for an answer gracefully. This includes requests for a commitment to a second date, sexual relations, or a nightcap. Demanding to know the reason why, bursting into tears and saying "What's wrong with me?" or mentioning how much money was spent on the date are all unacceptable. "Well, just thought I'd ask. Thank you for a lovely time. Goodnight." That's pretty much all you can say without losing dignity.

Ladies and gentlemen: Say "No " gracefully. If you don't think any more time spent in each others' company is a good idea, the way to convey that is simple. "Thank you for a lovely time. Goodnight." It's a very useful phrase. Don't encourage false hope by saying "I'll call you" when you have no intentions of doing so. If the other person tries to pin you down to a commitment, " I'm sorry, but I'm going to be very busy for the next few months" should get the point across. "Dream on, loser!!" is unnecessary and mean.

Any other suggestions to add? Any pet peeves you have about dating? Feel free to unload here, in the interest of better communication between the sexes.

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SCREAMING CHILDREN! What to do?

March 23rd 2007 02:46

I recently read a piece by Mrs. M. in the "Mum's Word" blog that raises an age-old question: What kind of parameters can we establish for tolerance and understanding on both sides of the coin?
Granting, of course, that there are certain areas where one must expect to encounter children and that there is a good chance that one or more may throw a tantrum at any time..a playground comes to mind, or a restaurant specifically catering to families with kids (as in Mrs. M's case). In those cases, one must be willing to leave if one doesn't like the noise-- with no glares or nasty remarks on one's way out.
Granting as well that in places such as airplanes or trains where one cannot leave, one must be kind and tolerant as well. As long as the parents are doing their best to calm the child, that is, and not blissfully ignoring him or her.
This is a pretty hot issue; I have seen more tension created in a room between the parents and other patrons about screaming children than most any other social issue. Can we all come to agreement about a few things?

-What are some places one should not take a child that is not yet ready to "behave" in public?
The theater comes to mind (excluding kid's movies), the library (outside the children's room), intimate restaurants, nightclubs. Is this reasonable? I don't think babies particularly enjoy those places anyway...

-How long should a parent try to calm the child before taking the child away (to the nappie room, or outside) from the public ear?

-Is there any acceptable way of asking a parent to, say, stop their child from jumping on your billiards table? (That happened to me!)

-What are some places one should expect to share with children, and not be a sourpuss about noise and/or running around (as long as no personal items are damaged)? Public parks, fast food restaurants, grocery markets?

Suggestions and anecdotes will be highly appreciated.

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What may we call each other?

March 22nd 2007 01:31

The other day I was reading a post by youranter, who mentioned the word "Abos" referring to Aborigines. Someone commented that that was a very offensive word. Ranter didn't know, and apologised.
I didn't know either, and am glad to now because I wouldn't want to use an offensive term for any group of people. When I read it, I assumed it was a shortening of the word "Aborigines", like "Aussie" is a shortening of "Australian".
In the interest of promoting better relations, I'm asking if the following terms are offensive or not. I'm American; others call us "Yanks" (not offensive) "Colonials" (too outdated to offend; it's kind of funny, actually) and "You Americans", which usually precludes a launch into everything that's wrong with George Bush. You're preaching to the choir, folks. There aren't many of us left who support Bush

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What's considered rude in your area that visitors need to know about?

March 21st 2007 06:05

I always try to give visitors to my area the benefit of the doubt; one can't expect someone new to an area to know all local customs. I learned about a local custom in Thailand when I gently touched a much shorter person on the shoulder while saying "excuse me"..the fierce glare I received shook me up enough to ask the hotel clerk about it. He explained that Thais consider touching anyone on or near the head extremely disrespectful. I was very careful after that!
What should visitors to my area (Florida Keys) be aware of? Littering, in the water especially. Never throw a cigarette overboard here. What about your area? What would you tell visitors to be aware of?

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Online etiquette

March 21st 2007 05:50

Am I alone here, or does anyone else find obscure acronyms in posts or threads for the general public rude? Well, maybe not so much rude as thoughtless. I'm not talking about the well-known acronyms like LMAO or ROTFL. I'm talking about random acronyms that substitute for sentences, like JICYWTK (just in case you wanted to know)..they give me a headache! They break my concentration on the thread or message itself! Am I being too sensitive here?
How about forwards? Is it bad form to forward every single article or joke one reads to all of one's friends?

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Public displays of affection (PDAs)

March 21st 2007 02:36

How far is too far? Most places I've been pretty much draw the same lines, but there's a whole half of a world I haven't seen yet, so I'd like to know all views. A quick kiss goodbye at a train station? Holding hands? Arms draped over each others' shoulders?
These all seem pretty innocuous to me, but what would you think if it were a same-gender couple? I think whatever standards we establish must refer to everyone involved, so I have no problem with anyone who practices the above PDAs.
Much further than that, though..I get uncomfortable. I don't subscribe to the "If you don't like it, don't look" school when it comes to certain standards (or lack thereof) of public behavior. To me, a couple that is practically hyphenating in front of me at a theater is being rude. Am I wrong? I was raised on the belief that good public manners were for two main reasons: 1) To establish self-regulation amongst a society so that a lot of nitpicking laws don't have to be made, and 2) To ultimately get along as a society, people must have respect for each other in public, and must establish what most people in the area find acceptable in public

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Wearing shoes indoors

March 21st 2007 01:51

This is a tough one. I've seen cases for both sides. One side says that shoes should always be removed when entering a home, in order not to track in dirt, water, etc. Others say that this is what doormats are for and that the sight and smell of bare feet and/or holey socks is far more offensive. Personally, I think that removing shoes is a good thing and that if it were universal it would perhaps encourage better personal hygiene (wearing clean, mended socks and regularly washing feet)..on the other hand, I know that there are many folks out there who simply cannot tolerate the sight of bare feet in public and consider them disrespectful. What's your view, and where are you from?

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Burping out loud at the dinner table

March 21st 2007 01:43

Ever since I was a small child, I have heard this oft-repeated phrase: "In some countries, burping out loud at the table is a compliment to the cook." (This phrase was usually stated by someone who had just been chastised for doing so) to which the standard parental reply was "In this country {USA} it's considered grounds for punishment..go finish your meal in the kitchen!"
Now, I've been to many places but I have yet to find the place where burping out loud at the table was considered a compliment to the cook. Accidental burps don't count here..just the ones executed on purpose. Anyone know of a place where burping deliberately is good manners?

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Breastfeeding in public

March 21st 2007 01:10

I recently read an article on another site by an American woman who stated that "only Americans are offended by public breastfeeding." I disagree, having lived and travelled outside of the U.S. on several occasions. The article read thusly: "If you don't like it, don't look. I am not going to let my baby go hungry just to spare your feelings. People who stare or make comments are very rude..nursing is beautiful and natural, so there's nothing wrong with doing it in public"
Now when I commented, politely suggesting several discreet ways to nurse without hiking up the blouse and baring a breast in public (which was why people were staring and commenting) I was attacked from all sides by nursing mothers...putting a blanket or cloth over the area was too hot for the baby, specially-made nursing tops were too expensive, "Why should I learn to sew a button on a nursing flap for your feelings?" "Why should I express my milk into a bottle because you're uncomfortable?"

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