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Its been a REALLY long time since my last post. Lets just say that life got in the way for a while and lots of things had to be sorted out before I felt inspired to write again. Now that Im back, I hope to post a bit more often.
As some of you know, I met my sweetie online and weve been together since July 4, 2007. Here it is, almost four years later, and during that time weve bought a house and are now engaged! We got engaged on September 18, 2010 and the big day is October 15, 2011.
I am so happy and feel so fortunate to be marrying someone who is my best friend, lover, partner and confidante. Hes truly an amazing man and I know how lucky I am that hes mine. I would be lying though if I said that the past 3 years were all smooth sailing. Weve had some knockdown, drag-out fights complete with yelling, screaming, door-slamming and walking out. Weve also had moments where weve been so frustrated with each other that we just wanted to squeeze each others necks until our heads popped off. Some days, we really questioned whether we were meant to be together.
Instead of throwing in the towel, we worked through our differences, agreed to disagree on some things, let down our guard, faced our fears and learned how to communicate effectively. Thats probably the biggest thing. It took a LOT of patience, sleepless nights and many tears, but it was worth it because we are a much stronger couple.
In some ways, our roles are reversed. Hes more sensitive and emotional than I am and tends to freak out about things. I tend to be calmer when things happen and immediately develop a plan of action. Hes usually more serious. Im more of a goofball. Hes WAY more tactful than I am. I have a tendency to be very direct and I dont sugar-coat anything. I also tend to be like a lot of the guys out there and say the wrong thing at the wrong time. For instance, he was really cranky about something one day and I jokingly asked him if he was PMSing. That did NOT go over well. Another time, I jokingly asked him who lit the fuse on his tampon. That also was not well-received. When he comes to me with an issue and wants to vent, I have a tendency to go into problem solving mode instead of just letting him blow off steam.
We both had to learn how the other communicates and to adapt accordingly. We also became better communicators. Hes learned to accept that my smartass comments are not meant as a personal attack, but are an attempt to make him laugh when hes having a tough day. Ive learned to read his cues and am pretty good at discerning when I can be a smartass and when its probably not a good idea. Hes less sensitive and Im more tactful. As a result, we laugh a lot more and fight a lot less. Like any normal couple, we still bicker occasionally. However its usually resolved quickly and with minimal fuss.
Probably one of the best things about our relationship is that we have each maintained our own autonomy. We both have our own friends and occasionally do things that dont involve the other person. For instance, in two weeks, hes going to a hockey tournament with a few of his buddies. Ill be getting out of work early and hanging out with my best friend doing girl stuff (ordering my wedding gown, looking at bridesmaid dresses and watching chick flicks).
When he goes out, I dont worry whether hell do something he shouldnt. I know that he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me. He also knows the same is true of me. Our time apart makes us appreciate the time we have together. Most importantly, we are both completely free to be ourselves. I always joke that he knows me better than anyone and yet he loves me anyway. I couldn't ask for anything more.
You dont live as long as I have without learning a few things. Some of the things Ive learned were bits of advice Ive received from caring individuals. Others were things I figured out on my own. Regardless, theyve all helped me in one way or another and now I hope theyre able to help you.
To thine own self be true
Shakespeare, and/or Know thyself. - Socrates
While these seem like no-brainers, youd be surprised by how many people get caught up in the game of trying to be all things to all people that they lose sight of who they are. Im reminded of the movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. Julia Roberts character, Maggie, has left a few grooms at the alter. Richard Geres character, Ike Graham, is a cynical, big-city newspaper columnist eager to write a tell-all story about Maggie.(1) To do this, he interviews each of her jilted fiancés. One of the questions he asks them is how Maggie likes her eggs. Each of them replies that she likes her eggs the same way he does.
At a later point in the movie, the scene opens and Maggie is sitting with several plates in front of her containing eggs done in every conceivable way: scrambled, over easy, sunny side up, poached, over hard, etc
She finally comes to realize that she prefers poached eggs. She took the time to figure out who she was, what she liked and what she wanted and stopped trying to derive her identity from someone else.
Be with someone out of CHOICE, not NECESSITY.
Again, it seems like a no-brainer, but there are many who do the exact opposite. Think of it this way. If youre with someone out of need, whether it be financial, emotional or psychological, the balance of power in the relationship is skewed in favor of your partner. Theres a good possibility that your partner could end up treating you like dirt because they will figure that, no matter how badly they behave, you wont leave.
However, if youre with someone out of choice, the balance of power is equal. Your partner is much more likely to treat you with decency and respect because he knows that you wont have any problem walking away if he doesnt.
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission. Eleanor Roosevelt
I learned this bit of wisdom from an amazing woman I knew a few years ago and it has stuck with me to this day. She also pointed out that you can replace inferior with lots of other words: unworthy, stupid, ugly, etc
The point is that people will say nasty things to you on occasion. Its your choice whether or not to believe what they say. Dont let someone else define who you are. Also, dont be afraid to confront that person and let them know that they have no right to speak to you in that manner. Not only will you have the satisfaction that comes from standing up for yourself, you will also let the other person know that their behavior is not acceptable.
Love yourself.
This is probably the most important. It means that you have to have a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-respect. You have to love yourself as you are, faults and all. Im not talking about the over-the-top Narcissistic type of self love, but the knowledge that youre a good person and that you deserve to have someone special in your life that will treat you well. You already know that youre beautiful, intelligent, sexy, funny and confident. It doesnt matter what size or shape, race, color, religion, sexual orientation, political affiliation or socio-economic status you are. Someone who loves themselves wont allow anyone to treat them badly and will walk away from those that would. If you dont love yourself, then how do you expect anyone else to love you?
(1) Lovingly ripped off from the synopsis on the back of the DVD, "Runaway Bride".
When youve been dating as long as I have, you sometimes have to get creative when it comes to meeting new people. Until I met my boyfriend, I tried several different methods to meet a decent guy. I had friends set me up, but to no avail. What I noticed is that they tended to pick guys that were their type or the guy and I may have had some things in common, but there was no attraction.
Since I dont go to church, meeting a guy there wasnt an option. I mean, how hypocritical would it be for me to start going to a church just to meet a guy and then stop going, or worse, continue going to church to keep up the appearance that Im a good Christian girl only to have the guy find out about my tattoos, piercings and love of loud, hard rock music. One thing I absolutely despise is hypocrisy so I try very hard not to add to whats already floating around in the world. In addition to being a hypocrite, Id also be doing the guy and myself a huge disservice by misrepresenting who I am. Shakespeare said it best: To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.
I also took some college classes with the intention of getting my degree (which I never did). While I met some awesome people, my focus was on my classes, not on finding a boyfriend. Ok, so I had a HUGE crush on my Political Science professor, but since I was his student, that was left well enough alone.
Im also not a fan of dating co-workers for the simple reason that, no matter how discrete you and your sweetie are about your relationship, eventually it gets out and becomes fodder for the gossip mill. Then, God forbid you have a spat or, worse, break up. The whole office knows about it which makes life uncomfortable for both of you. For me, work and personal life are kept separate. Dont get me wrong, Ive worked with some great people and have formed some long-lasting friendships, but I have never gotten romantically involved with a co-worker.
Also, unless all you want is a one-night stand (and if thats the case, all the power to you. Im not here to judge), it is highly unlikely that youll find a decent guy by hanging out in a bar or club. Usually guys in those places are there for one thing: either to get drunk or to get laid, occasionally both. Im not saying that it doesnt happen and that no decent guys go to bars, however, its like the proverbial needle in a haystack. If thats the only method youre using to meet people, youre just asking for frustration.
So, whats left? Youve exhausted all of your options and still nothing. Nada. Zero. Bupkus. Ill tell you whats left; online personals. Now, before you asphyxiate due to excessive laughter, hear me out. Thats how I met my boyfriend. Weve been together for over a year now and have a stable, loving, committed relationship. I also met my ex-boyfriend several years ago through online personals and had a four-year relationship with him. They can work if you know what youre doing.
Admittedly, the world of online personals can be very intimidating. There are so many sites on the internet that choosing one can be a daunting prospect. There are some decent low-cost or free sites out there. There are also sites that cater to specific ethnicities (Jewish, Asian, Latino, Black), alternative lifestyles (Gay/Lesbian, BDSM, Big Beautiful Women/Big Handsome Men) and even seniors.
One of the nice things about online personals is that you can correspond with people without revealing any personal details such as your email address or phone number. It gives you the opportunity to interact with someone yet retain a comfortable level of security until you get to know them a little better. If you get a message from someone that turns you off or is inappropriate, in most instances, youre able to block them from sending you further messages. Some sites even have a built-in chat feature which allows you to exchanges messages with someone in real time as opposed to email, which sometimes take longer.
But Im getting ahead of myself. What youre probably wondering is how do you go about using an online personals site in the first place, assuming youre new to the whole online dating experience. Once youve decided which site to use, you need to create an account which involves creating a user name and password. The whole point of using a personals site is to protect your anonymity so that random strangers cant track you down. Therefore, you do not want to use your real name as your screen name. Choose something that reflects your personality. If you love hockey, a good name might be HockeyGirl. You get the idea.
You will also be asked to answer some general personal questions like age, race, religion, height, weight/body type, marital status, location (city/state) and educational level. The criteria you enter here are used to match you to other singles, so its important to be truthful. Then you will be asked to answer the same (or similar) general questions about the person youre hoping to meet. Again, be honest. If one of the questions is regarding smoking and you answer No Preference when, in actuality, you cant stand smoking; youre going to be matched with people who are non-smokers, smokers and all points in between. Then youll just have to weed through a bunch of people who dont meet your specifications which is not only frustrating, its a waste of your valuable time.
Next, you get to tell prospective partners about yourself. Be honest! If youre a single parent, state that in your ad. A lot of guys are fine if a woman has kids and those that arent fine with it arent worth your time. It also saves you the pain of corresponding with someone you think is a good possibility only to have them disappear when you mention that you have a child or children. Talk about your interests and hobbies and tell them who you are. Are you artistic and creative? Do you like long walks on the beach and cuddling on the couch? Then, state that in your profile.
Finally, you get to tell the world who youre trying to find. Again, be honest! I cant stress that enough. If youve got a thing for guys that look like Danny DeVito or for men who look like linebackers, then say so. In addition to physical characteristics, let people know what personality traits youre looking for in a potential partner. Think of this is as putting your order in with the universe. If you dont ask for what you want, how are you going to get it? You have a right to be picky especially when it comes to a potential life partner. Do not just settle for anyone that comes down the pike. Youre worth more than that.
To aide you on your journey, Ive compiled a few pointers:
1. Be honest! I know I sound like a broken record, but if youre not honest about who you are and what you want, you stand very little chance of finding the person that is right for you. In addition, youll only be wasting your time because youll be matched up with a whole bunch of Mr. Wrongs instead of potential Mr. Rights.
2. Use spell check. Think of your profile as your dating resume. You wouldnt send a resume to a potential employer without running it through a spell checker (at least I hope you wouldnt!). Treat your profile with the same consideration. Also, have a friend read it and ask for feedback. It never hurts to get an honest opinion.
3. Be positive. I cant tell you how much of a turn off it is to read profiles filled with what people dont like or cant stand. It makes the reader wonder if the person in the profile likes anything. Instead, state what you like and what makes you happy. Youll be a lot more approachable than someone who comes across as negative and grumpy.
4. Post your photo. Profiles with pictures generate a lot more responses than those without. Just make sure that your face is clearly visible and that its fairly recent. While you may have been an adorable baby, it doesnt exactly let someone know what you look like now.
5. Read potential partners profiles carefully. If someone says theyre looking for a discrete relationship, intimate fun or something along those lines, that usually means theyre attached or just looking for a quick piece of ass. If youre ok with being someones dirty little secret or booty call, then go for it. If not, then look elsewhere.
6. Be smart. Dont give out your personal information. If someone persists, block them. You are under no obligation to reveal that information or to open yourself up to the possibility that the other person is a creep.
7. Create an email and/or Instant Message account on Yahoo, MSN or AOL. Use this account to correspond with people you meet through the personals. Once youve exchanged messages with someone a few times on the site, you should have a fairly good sense of whether or not youd like to continue corresponding off-site. Match the email/IM account to your personals screen name if youre able. This keeps your personal information private. Theyre also free.
8. Dont give out your phone number. If youre chatting with someone via IM or email and you both decide that youd like to speak on the phone, ask him for his phone number. This way, you can call him and block your phone number from showing up on Caller ID (check your phone book for instructions). There are sites on the internet that allow people to do a reverse phone lookup which reveals your full name and address. All someone has to do is enter your phone number, hit enter and Voila! They now know where you live. Reverse phone lookup usually only works with phone numbers that are listed in directory assistance. A nice guy will understand that you want to protect yourself. If hes not willing to give you his phone number, then politely bid him good riddance.
9. Talk on the phone before meeting in person. Assuming the conditions in the previous step have been met, feel free to talk to your potential sweetie on the phone. You can tell a lot about someone by how they speak. Ive had many instances where things were great online, but when it came time to talk to them on the phone, it all fell apart. In some cases, it was the guys voice that turned me off. In others, it was just a vibe that I got which said to stay away from this person.
10. Be safe. If you finally decide to meet someone in person, do so in a public place. Also, let a friend know where youre going and who youre going to meet. If possible, provide them with a photo and contact information of the person youre meeting. This is a worst case scenario thing, but its better to be safe than sorry.
11. Keep it simple. For an initial meeting, coffee or a quick drink is best since its only about 30 minutes of your time. Agreeing to dinner for a first meeting can be awkward. Theres nothing worse than realizing that you have no chemistry with the person sitting across from you and then trying to converse with them for an hour or more. If youve only committed to coffee or a drink, then you can get out of there and on with your life. On the flip side, if coffee is going well, you can always decide to let coffee segue into dinner.
I know this is a lot to take in, but I hope its been helpful. Probably the most important thing to remember is to trust your instincts. Heres hoping that you find the person thats perfect for you. Good luck and happy hunting.
Single women all over lament how hard it is to find a Nice Guy, yet when they do find one, theyre not happy. Ive given this a lot of thought and think that the blame does not rest solely with the guys. Honestly, how many women actually know a Nice Guy when you meet one? Im going to attempt to break it down for you ladies in the hopes that the Nice Guys out there will actually catch a break for a change.
Now, Im no relationship expert, but I have been dating for about 25 years and from what Ive seen, Nice Guys fall into four basic categories: the Doormat, the Hunter, the Jerk in Nice Guy Clothing and the Genuine Nice Guy
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