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You dont live as long as I have without learning a few things. Some of the things Ive learned were bits of advice Ive received from caring individuals. Others were things I figured out on my own. Regardless, theyve all helped me in one way or another and now I hope theyre able to help you.
To thine own self be true
Shakespeare, and/or Know thyself. - Socrates
While these seem like no-brainers, youd be surprised by how many people get caught up in the game of trying to be all things to all people that they lose sight of who they are. Im reminded of the movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. Julia Roberts character, Maggie, has left a few grooms at the alter. Richard Geres character, Ike Graham, is a cynical, big-city newspaper columnist eager to write a tell-all story about Maggie.(1) To do this, he interviews each of her jilted fiancés. One of the questions he asks them is how Maggie likes her eggs. Each of them replies that she likes her eggs the same way he does.
At a later point in the movie, the scene opens and Maggie is sitting with several plates in front of her containing eggs done in every conceivable way: scrambled, over easy, sunny side up, poached, over hard, etc
She finally comes to realize that she prefers poached eggs. She took the time to figure out who she was, what she liked and what she wanted and stopped trying to derive her identity from someone else.
Be with someone out of CHOICE, not NECESSITY.
Again, it seems like a no-brainer, but there are many who do the exact opposite. Think of it this way. If youre with someone out of need, whether it be financial, emotional or psychological, the balance of power in the relationship is skewed in favor of your partner. Theres a good possibility that your partner could end up treating you like dirt because they will figure that, no matter how badly they behave, you wont leave.
However, if youre with someone out of choice, the balance of power is equal. Your partner is much more likely to treat you with decency and respect because he knows that you wont have any problem walking away if he doesnt.
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission. Eleanor Roosevelt
I learned this bit of wisdom from an amazing woman I knew a few years ago and it has stuck with me to this day. She also pointed out that you can replace inferior with lots of other words: unworthy, stupid, ugly, etc
The point is that people will say nasty things to you on occasion. Its your choice whether or not to believe what they say. Dont let someone else define who you are. Also, dont be afraid to confront that person and let them know that they have no right to speak to you in that manner. Not only will you have the satisfaction that comes from standing up for yourself, you will also let the other person know that their behavior is not acceptable.
Love yourself.
This is probably the most important. It means that you have to have a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-respect. You have to love yourself as you are, faults and all. Im not talking about the over-the-top Narcissistic type of self love, but the knowledge that youre a good person and that you deserve to have someone special in your life that will treat you well. You already know that youre beautiful, intelligent, sexy, funny and confident. It doesnt matter what size or shape, race, color, religion, sexual orientation, political affiliation or socio-economic status you are. Someone who loves themselves wont allow anyone to treat them badly and will walk away from those that would. If you dont love yourself, then how do you expect anyone else to love you?
(1) Lovingly ripped off from the synopsis on the back of the DVD, "Runaway Bride".
When youve been dating as long as I have, you sometimes have to get creative when it comes to meeting new people. Until I met my boyfriend, I tried several different methods to meet a decent guy. I had friends set me up, but to no avail. What I noticed is that they tended to pick guys that were their type or the guy and I may have had some things in common, but there was no attraction.
Since I dont go to church, meeting a guy there wasnt an option. I mean, how hypocritical would it be for me to start going to a church just to meet a guy and then stop going, or worse, continue going to church to keep up the appearance that Im a good Christian girl only to have the guy find out about my tattoos, piercings and love of loud, hard rock music. One thing I absolutely despise is hypocrisy so I try very hard not to add to whats already floating around in the world. In addition to being a hypocrite, Id also be doing the guy and myself a huge disservice by misrepresenting who I am. Shakespeare said it best: To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.
I also took some college classes with the intention of getting my degree (which I never did). While I met some awesome people, my focus was on my classes, not on finding a boyfriend. Ok, so I had a HUGE crush on my Political Science professor, but since I was his student, that was left well enough alone.
Im also not a fan of dating co-workers for the simple reason that, no matter how discrete you and your sweetie are about your relationship, eventually it gets out and becomes fodder for the gossip mill. Then, God forbid you have a spat or, worse, break up. The whole office knows about it which makes life uncomfortable for both of you. For me, work and personal life are kept separate. Dont get me wrong, Ive worked with some great people and have formed some long-lasting friendships, but I have never gotten romantically involved with a co-worker.
Also, unless all you want is a one-night stand (and if thats the case, all the power to you. Im not here to judge), it is highly unlikely that youll find a decent guy by hanging out in a bar or club. Usually guys in those places are there for one thing: either to get drunk or to get laid, occasionally both. Im not saying that it doesnt happen and that no decent guys go to bars, however, its like the proverbial needle in a haystack. If thats the only method youre using to meet people, youre just asking for frustration.
So, whats left? Youve exhausted all of your options and still nothing. Nada. Zero. Bupkus. Ill tell you whats left; online personals. Now, before you asphyxiate due to excessive laughter, hear me out. Thats how I met my boyfriend. Weve been together for over a year now and have a stable, loving, committed relationship. I also met my ex-boyfriend several years ago through online personals and had a four-year relationship with him. They can work if you know what youre doing.
Admittedly, the world of online personals can be very intimidating. There are so many sites on the internet that choosing one can be a daunting prospect. There are some decent low-cost or free sites out there. There are also sites that cater to specific ethnicities (Jewish, Asian, Latino, Black), alternative lifestyles (Gay/Lesbian, BDSM, Big Beautiful Women/Big Handsome Men) and even seniors.
One of the nice things about online personals is that you can correspond with people without revealing any personal details such as your email address or phone number. It gives you the opportunity to interact with someone yet retain a comfortable level of security until you get to know them a little better. If you get a message from someone that turns you off or is inappropriate, in most instances, youre able to block them from sending you further messages. Some sites even have a built-in chat feature which allows you to exchanges messages with someone in real time as opposed to email, which sometimes take longer.
But Im getting ahead of myself. What youre probably wondering is how do you go about using an online personals site in the first place, assuming youre new to the whole online dating experience. Once youve decided which site to use, you need to create an account which involves creating a user name and password. The whole point of using a personals site is to protect your anonymity so that random strangers cant track you down. Therefore, you do not want to use your real name as your screen name. Choose something that reflects your personality. If you love hockey, a good name might be HockeyGirl. You get the idea.
You will also be asked to answer some general personal questions like age, race, religion, height, weight/body type, marital status, location (city/state) and educational level. The criteria you enter here are used to match you to other singles, so its important to be truthful. Then you will be asked to answer the same (or similar) general questions about the person youre hoping to meet. Again, be honest. If one of the questions is regarding smoking and you answer No Preference when, in actuality, you cant stand smoking; youre going to be matched with people who are non-smokers, smokers and all points in between. Then youll just have to weed through a bunch of people who dont meet your specifications which is not only frustrating, its a waste of your valuable time.
Next, you get to tell prospective partners about yourself. Be honest! If youre a single parent, state that in your ad. A lot of guys are fine if a woman has kids and those that arent fine with it arent worth your time. It also saves you the pain of corresponding with someone you think is a good possibility only to have them disappear when you mention that you have a child or children. Talk about your interests and hobbies and tell them who you are. Are you artistic and creative? Do you like long walks on the beach and cuddling on the couch? Then, state that in your profile.
Finally, you get to tell the world who youre trying to find. Again, be honest! I cant stress that enough. If youve got a thing for guys that look like Danny DeVito or for men who look like linebackers, then say so. In addition to physical characteristics, let people know what personality traits youre looking for in a potential partner. Think of this is as putting your order in with the universe. If you dont ask for what you want, how are you going to get it? You have a right to be picky especially when it comes to a potential life partner. Do not just settle for anyone that comes down the pike. Youre worth more than that.
To aide you on your journey, Ive compiled a few pointers:
1. Be honest! I know I sound like a broken record, but if youre not honest about who you are and what you want, you stand very little chance of finding the person that is right for you. In addition, youll only be wasting your time because youll be matched up with a whole bunch of Mr. Wrongs instead of potential Mr. Rights.
2. Use spell check. Think of your profile as your dating resume. You wouldnt send a resume to a potential employer without running it through a spell checker (at least I hope you wouldnt!). Treat your profile with the same consideration. Also, have a friend read it and ask for feedback. It never hurts to get an honest opinion.
3. Be positive. I cant tell you how much of a turn off it is to read profiles filled with what people dont like or cant stand. It makes the reader wonder if the person in the profile likes anything. Instead, state what you like and what makes you happy. Youll be a lot more approachable than someone who comes across as negative and grumpy.
4. Post your photo. Profiles with pictures generate a lot more responses than those without. Just make sure that your face is clearly visible and that its fairly recent. While you may have been an adorable baby, it doesnt exactly let someone know what you look like now.
5. Read potential partners profiles carefully. If someone says theyre looking for a discrete relationship, intimate fun or something along those lines, that usually means theyre attached or just looking for a quick piece of ass. If youre ok with being someones dirty little secret or booty call, then go for it. If not, then look elsewhere.
6. Be smart. Dont give out your personal information. If someone persists, block them. You dont are under no obligation to reveal that information or to open yourself up to the possibility that the other person is a creep.
7. Create an email and/or Instant Message account on Yahoo, MSN or AOL. Use this account to correspond with people you meet through the personals. Once youve exchanged messages with someone a few times on the site, you should have a fairly good sense of whether or not youd like to continue corresponding off-site. Match the email/IM account to your personals screen name if youre able. This keeps your personal information private. Theyre also free.
8. Dont give out your phone number. If youre chatting with someone via IM or email and you both decide that youd like to speak on the phone, ask him for his phone number. This way, you can call him and block your phone number from showing up on Caller ID (check your phone book for instructions). There are sites on the internet that allow people to do a reverse phone lookup which reveals your full name and address. All someone has to do is enter your phone number, hit enter and Voila! They now know where you live. Reverse phone lookup usually only works with phone numbers that are listed in directory assistance. A nice guy will understand that you want to protect yourself. If hes not willing to give you his phone number, then politely bid him good riddance.
9. Talk on the phone before meeting in person. Assuming the conditions in the previous step have been met, feel free to talk to your potential sweetie on the phone. You can tell a lot about someone by how they speak. Ive had many instances where things were great online, but when it came time to talk to them on the phone, it all fell apart. In some cases, it was the guys voice that turned me off. In others, it was just a vibe that I got which said to stay away from this person.
10. Be safe. If you finally decide to meet someone in person, do so in a public place. Also, let a friend know where youre going and who youre going to meet. If possible, provide them with a photo and contact information of the person youre meeting. This is a worst case scenario thing, but its better to be safe than sorry.
11. Keep it simple. For an initial meeting, coffee or a quick drink is best since its only about 30 minutes of your time. Agreeing to dinner for a first meeting can be awkward. Theres nothing worse than realizing that you have no chemistry with the person sitting across from you and then trying to converse with them for an hour or more. If youve only committed to coffee or a drink, then you can get out of there and on with your life. On the flip side, if coffee is going well, you can always decide to let coffee segue into dinner.
I know this is a lot to take in, but I hope its been helpful. Probably the most important thing to remember is to trust your instincts. Heres hoping that you find the person thats perfect for you. Good luck and happy hunting.
Single women all over lament how hard it is to find a Nice Guy, yet when they do find one, theyre not happy. Ive given this a lot of thought and think that the blame does not rest solely with the guys. Honestly, how many women actually know a Nice Guy when you meet one? Im going to attempt to break it down for you ladies in the hopes that the Nice Guys out there will actually catch a break for a change.
Now, Im no relationship expert, but I have been dating for about 25 years and from what Ive seen, Nice Guys fall into four basic categories: the Doormat, the Hunter, the Jerk in Nice Guy Clothing and the Genuine Nice Guy.
Doormats are easy to spot. Theyre fawning, obsequious and so co-dependent itll make you puke. These men have such low self-esteem that theyll put up with any womans crap just so they dont have to be single. These men derive their self-worth from the women in their lives. For some women, thats fine. They like the power trip and will date Doormats because they know the Doormat wont contradict her in any way. They know that they can just treat the Doormat like dirt and hell just keep coming back for more. The irony of this is that, in a lot of cases, these men are good looking, professionally successful and intelligent, but should probably visit a doctor to make sure that that they have a spine.
Then we have the Hunter. On the surface, these men appear to be a Nice Guy, however, for them, its all about the chase. Initially, theyre engaging, charming, sweet and funny. Theyre a little flashy, good looking, intelligent, successful and seem like the perfect guy. They wine and dine us, call just to say hi and actually notice when weve changed our hair or gotten our eyebrows waxed. You start to feel comfortable with him and let your guard down. Everything is great until after they get you into bed. Thats when their true colors emerge. For them, the chase is over. Their curiosity has been satisfied. Their attention and interest begins to wane, boredom sets in and its not long before theyre out looking for their next conquest.
Next is the Jerk in Nice Guy Clothing. In the beginning, they may come off as chivalrous. Theyll be the one to intervene if a guy is hitting on you while youre out with them and will do little things in the guise of being protective. Gradually, they become more controlling, dictatorial or critical. The danger with these guys is that the change can be very subtle and its not long before youre in trouble. Below are warning signs that your partner could potentially turn violent:
1. Jealousy and possessiveness: Some see it as a sign of love, but it is actually a sign of distrust.
2. Controlling behavior: Controlling what you wear, where you go, who you see, how you spend your money, checking the mileage on your car
3. Verbal abuse: degrading who you are as a person, criticizing your appearance or intelligence and making you feel less human.
4. Threats to harm you, your family or your pet
5. Isolation from friends and family
If these behaviors are present in your relationship or you know someone who is in a relationship where these signs are present, RUN to the nearest phone and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE to be connected with help in your area. (1)
Last, we have The Genuine Nice Guy. Hes not weak like the doormat, flashy like The Hunter, or unbalanced like The Jerk in Nice Guy Clothing. Hes comfortable in his own skin and doesnt need to prove his manliness to the world at large or try to put the moves on you. His masculinity is more subtle. He actually cares about what you have to say and appreciates that youre a strong woman with your own opinion. He has respect, not only for you, but for himself and the people around him. You feel safe with him because hes steady and stable. Hes honest, sincere and able to talk about how he feels without bursting a blood vessel. Hes reliable, dependable, quick to laugh and slow to anger.
Keep in mind though that this guy is no wimp and will not hesitate to tell you if youre out of line or if youve done something to upset him. Hes the guy that you can introduce to your family and friends and not worry about whether hell be accepted. Lets be honest. No matter how much we say that it doesnt matter what our family or friends think of our significant other, deep down it does carry some weight. Also, if your friends and family accept your sweetie, it makes holiday gatherings so much more pleasant.
So Ladies, the next time the khaki-wearing cutie in the office tries to engage you in conversation, take a few minutes and give him a chance. He might just be the Genuine Nice Guy youve been overlooking for so long.
(1) Warning signs and NDVH information copied from www.Oprah.com from the show A Mother Burned Alive by Her Husband.
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