Roadhouse - Synopsis
August 13th 2008 09:05
Don't give me that "How can this be considered a crap movie when it was a bad movie
Once upon a time there was an asshole called James Dalton who worked as the head of an elite bouncer team of a club called ‘The Band Stand’. This is the 1980’s so there’s a lot of one hit wonders playing while people dance like idiots to the funky beats. Unfortunately no one is on crack so they are dancing normally which is scary. We get a face full of the symbols from the 80’s; money and sex and there’s a lot of it. Well there isn’t sex since it’s a nightclub not a brothel though they didn’t go to the toilets which is normally where the action takes place.
Anyway Dalton the Bouncer had a wicked and nasty bullet that gave him his magical powers of being an asshole. We see him jump into action when a skinny white rich guy slabs his woman around and kicks her in the stomach. Wow I did not see that one coming. It was so random seeing a guy kick a woman in the stomach and see her go flying. Dalton jumps into action and gets slashed by this crazy dude’s knife. Dalton stays calm and cool and escorts the gentleman outside so that they may take their business outside. The man gets escorts and that’s about it, there is no fight! What a damn let down. He gets stabbed and he doesn’t grab the knife and stab him in the eye in retaliation?
Dalton heads off to stitch himself up, apparently bouncers have medical degrees, and a guy called Frank Tilghman walks in with a big smile on his face. He is either looking to ask Dalton out on a date or he is really impressed by the way he handled the situation and wants to hire him to help maintain order at his bar. The later is what Frank is looking for and asks Dalton to help his shitty place called the ‘Double Deuce’. Dalton agrees to a price. He wants $5000 upfront and $500 per night. Yes people it seems that working as a bouncer will get you paid more than university professors. What an asshole!
Dalton gives his nice car away to some random bum on the street and he hesistates at first but then accepts it. I would be suspicious if I was that bum as well. The homeless guy has either see BumFights on the internet or he’s heard about homeless people getting killed for their organs to be sold on the black market. Dalton goes to his place and gets out his awesome car that he’s had stored away for some reason. Enter 1980s song with a quick montage of Dalton arriving at the terrible rundown pub in the middle of nowhere. If only montages could speed things up in the real world like they did in movies…
We get a bunch of stereotypical things out from this place. We have out biker gang out the front acting like assholes to everyone coming in. There are fights breaking out all the time and hookers parading around the joint showing off their merchandise. The staff are dealing drugs out to customers and the poor blind musician has to be fenced off by chicken wire for his own protection. One of the hookers with massive melons walks up to Dalton, who just watches everything at the bar. The owner of the place, Frank, comes out from his office and changes the word ‘F***’ that’s been written on a wall to ‘Buick’. What the hell is a Buick? Until I looked it up on Wikipedia I didn’t know what Buick was but it appears to be a brand of car.
Dalton watches on as people hurl bottles and glasses at the blind guitar player/singer. Dalton gets up and we could be in for a fight but… or damn it he is just going to talk to the band player. It seems like the two knew each other from back in the day and this is where we find out that… Dalton has killed a man! DUH DUH DDDUUUHHH!!! Oh the suspense. Before anything happens a huge fight spills out all over the place. The cause of the fight: someone didn’t pay someone $20 for kissing some random chick’s breasts. Everyone is fighting everyone, men are fighting men, women are fighting women, even men and women are fighting each other. What does Dalton do? He just sits back and watches everything calmly. What an asshole. Why the hell would anyone play him to sit back, watch on and do nothing?
The next day Dalton buys a car, even though he has one already, and fills up the boot with a bunch of wheels. He drives off to a hillbilly’s farm and asks about the room that’s up for rent. The old hillbilly farmer tells Dalton that he’ll charge him $100 per MONTH for a fully furnished room! What a damn steal! It is at this time we get a first look at the town’s richest man, Brad Wesley. He decides to fly helicopters over the hillbilly’s farm to scare the animals. Why I don’t know but I think they are hinting to us that he is meant to be a biggest asshole than Dalton.
That night Frank introduces Dalton to everyone. As part of their agreement Dalton has pretty much full control and can do whatever the hell he wants. He fires a bunch of people for selling drugs and starting fights, including hardcore wrestler Terry Funk. He gives everyone three rules for the bouncing industry. Rule 1: Never underestimate your opponent. I thought he was giving advice to bouncers and not Daniel-San. Rule 2: Take it outside. Well yeah generally the first thing you learn in security/bouncing school is to always take the trouble outside. Rule 3: Be nice. Be nice? BE NICE? You have got to be kidding me right? He isn’t talking about be nice then beat them up he is talking about be nice for the whole damn time, even if they put a bullet in your head.
It’s Dalton’s first night on the job and he sits back drinking coffee instead of alcohol. A hot chick dances on the table and everyone starts cheering and having a good time. Dalton doesn’t like that, see I am starting to think that Dalton might be a homosexual as there are tons of hints throughout the movie. He doesn’t like the chick so he gets her off the table and ruins everyone’s fun. One of the staff members are having a bit of ‘hanky panky’ in the storeroom. Dalton walks in, most likely gets annoyed that he isn’t in the position of the woman, and fires the male staff member. He then fires the bartender for stealing from the till which is probably the only right thing he has done all night. Frank is very happy with Dalton’s work. Dalton walks outside and sees his tires are slashed and his car is trashed. Oh, THAT is why he brought a crappy car and drives that around instead of his nice one. He knows that everyone thinks he is an asshole!
When he gets back from work Dalton watches the rich guy have a party. See Brad Wesley lives across from the farm that Dalton lives at. Wesley has a huge party with women running around in bikinis. Dalton seems to be annoyed. Either he wants to be at the party but wasn’t invited or he wants to be one of those women running around in bikinis for the rich dude. The next day one of the nerdy female works at the bar visits Dalton, sees his bare naked butt and it almost makes her head explosion in excitement. She tells Dalton all the trouble he is doing is going to get himself killed, and he almost does. As he is driving down the road Wesley drives around ignorantly and runs him off the road. Dalton’s ok though cause he loves Wesley very much.
Dalton takes his car to the mechanic that lives across from the bar. The guy says he’ll have to leave it overnight cause he doesn’t know if, he can repair the windscreen. Yes, have you ever met a mechanic that said they couldn’t fix a window? Wesley and his goons walk into the store and talks to Dalton. Seems that Wesley runs the town and he gets everything his way. I smell a rivalry in the making! Dalton heads back to the farm and practices his Tai-Chi or Kung-Fu or something. The old hillbilly farmer is watching as well as Wesley. Damn, seems like everyone wants everyone in the town.
Dalton heads back to the bar and finds out the bartender he fired is getting his job back, as Wesley the rich dude wants him to. He gets his job back then pulls a knife on the boss? Everyone starts pulling out their knives so Dalton beats the crap out of all of them and throws them outside. So let me get this straight. Dalton just broke two of his three ruels in taking the trouble outside and be nice. He kicked everyone’s ass inside the place without once asking them politely to leave. Practice what you preach you damn asshole. Dalton goes to the hospital cause he got sliced, so why he doesn’t stitch it up himself like he did before I don’t know, and meets the lovely Dr. Elizabeth Clay. They talk and laugh and Dalton seems interested in Elizabeth, probably due to the fact she kinda looks like a man and he thinks that she might be a shim, or a he-she, or a she-he or whatever you call them.
Wesley drives around in a monster truck and lectures his goons when he gets out. He beats the crap out of one of them to prove his point and calls them all weak. Any man, ANY MAN, is weak when you knee them in the nuts like that. Dalton rocks up at the mechanic store across the road from the bar and finds the place completely trashed. The owner, Red, says he’s store gets robbed everyday by the rich guy since he runs the show. Dalton gets annoyed and vows to stop it. He calls up his old bouncer buddy Wade who is keeping an eye on a wet t-shirt contest. The only thing is that this is the FIRST wet t-shirt contest I have ever seen where they are no wet t-shirts. Don’t even ask me why there are no wet t-shirts. This is false advertising, if you say you are going to have a wet t-shirt contest you have people wearing wet t-shirts. This is just a wet titty contest. Where the hell was I? Oh yeah, Dalton calls Wade for some help and he decides to come down.
More people are turning up to the bar now cause it’s all civilized. The nerdy waitress chick is singing and boy she can’t sing. I wish Simon Cowell was here to humiliate her to the point of suicide. The big breasted hot blonde chick who keeps hanging around Dalton wants him but he isn’t interested. See, I told you he was probably gay. Turns out this chick is Wesley’s top dog’s woman and he gets pissed off. Wesley’s goon rock up in their monster truck and start up a big fight in the pub. Is anyone following the damn rules that Dalton gave them? Dalton takes the goons outside and at perfect timing Elizabeth shows up. She likes what she sees, the two start talking and eat at a grill bar. Dalton’s car is trashed once again so he kisses Elizabeth. I see think that he thinks that she has a penis.
Dalton goes home but Wesley’s goons rock up saying he wants to talk. Aww, they are going to have an intimate moment. They go inside his awesome mansion and the blond chick has her face all beaten up. Next time she won’t go around making herself look like a slut in front of everyone, hey I’m just writing what her boyfriend yelled at her as he beat her up. Well he didn’t say that in the movie I’m just thinking of what he would have said. Wesley talks to Dalton and says he put the place on the map so everyone owes him money. Wow, that’s a pretty good investment plan. Remind me to move into a crap town in the middle of nowhere so that I can bully everyone into paying me a ton of movie ok? Wesley pulls the “You Killed A Person” card on Dalton to scare him but he wants to hire Dalton to work at his bar. Dalton thinks he said to ‘work his bar’ but then he realizes he meant a pub so he refuses.
The bar has gone from a scummy place of violence into a happy fun place where nerds and losers hang out. Everyone and their grandmother are lining up to get in to this joint. Dalton thinks he has done well until they find out Wesley, the rich asshole, had cut off the supply of alcohol to the place. Dalton gets annoyed and steps outside where the hot doctor chick Elizabeth is waiting for him. They go for a drive and are being followed by Wesley’s goons in a monster truck. The two are completely oblivious that someone is following them in a HUGE vehicle. How the HELL can you NOT KNOW that you are being followed by a god damn monster truck?
Dalton takes Elizabeth back to his place, fools around with the radio until he happens to land on a soft love song. Oh no… I know what is coming up next. Dalton looks deepily into Elizabeth’s eyes. Elizabeth kinda looks into Dalton but I think she is cross-eyed. I know where this is all going to. Dalton and Elizabeth lock up into a passionate kiss? What the hell!? I thought they were going to play Solitaire! The kissing leads to well… use your imagination here. After they are done the two hang out naked together out on the balcony and Elizabeth tells Dalton she’s worried about his life. She wants him to stay in the town but Dalton says nothing in this town is going to keep him around here.
Woah hold up. Did he just dump her after having sex with her? There is nothing that can keep me here? That isn’t quiet the thing to mention after one has made love now is it? Here’s another thing, if Elizabeth feared for Dalton’s safety wouldn’t she suggest to him to get the HELL out of town as soon as possible? Sounds like she is conspiring with the enemy! In any case Elizabeth and Dalton bang each other once again, only this time Wesley watches on from his mansion. Damn, seems like Wesley wants Dalton now. The next morning the old hillbilly asks about hearing his woman friend upstairs last night. Damn, EVERYONE in the town must be watching these two go at it.
Dalton heads off to the Double Deuce and the blind guy tells him that Wesley is pissed off because he wanted to bang Elizabeth. Yeah… I’m sure that is why he was watching the two make love on the balcony. At this point Dalton’s friend Wade rocks up, looks at the sign of the place and calls it the “Double Douche”! Damn, he was stating what was on everyone’s mind! Also at this time a delivery truck with alcohol shows up just as Wesley’s goons do. Dalton confronts them, they brawl, Wade saves him, and I think that Wade is going to get killed cause he is an old friend.
Dalton, Wade and Elizabeth are at the bar sharing stories about their past. Elizabeth’s laughing, Wade’s laughing, and Dalton seems to be having fun but you know if he getting pissed off thinking that Wade wants Elizabeth. They go to some diner in the middle of nowhere. Wade hears a song and starts dancing around with Elizabeth. Wade and Elizabeth have fun and Dalton looks like he is enjoying seeing them having fun but you know he is pissed off that Wade is still putting moves on his girl. As Elizabeth heads off to the toilet, Wade goes on a rant about Dalton not getting over the past, about not getting over killing someone and that he is stuck Elizabeth who he calls a ‘f***ing c***”. Woah, damn that was a bit harsh. He tells her some jokes, dances around with her and then calls her that? I hope this asshole does die now.
It’s another boring night at the crappiest bar in the world and everyone is having an awesome time… until Red’s store across the road blows up! Everyone runs outside and thinks that he is dead but alas, the old man is well and alive. They return back to the bar and Wesley and his goons are inside. Those dastardly villains! The big breasted blonde bimbo starts to strip dance on the stage but it looks like she is having a spasm attack while doing so. Wait… she’s dancing… ok that’s an interesting dick. Dalton gets annoyed since he only likes men and yeah he might be banging that Elizabeth chick but I think she has a penis still. He gets her off the stage and tells Wesley’s top dog to keep her on a leash. A fight breaks out but Wesley puts an end to it by firing a gun in the air.
Red wants to leave town because of the rich asshole and doesn’t want anyone to help him. Everyone is convinced that Wesley is scared of Dalton and that he should do something. We find Wesley driving his monster truck through the someone car shop since he went against him. Wesley tells Elizabeth to go Chick confronts him and Rich asshole tells her to tell him to get out of town. Dalton starts training at weird U.F.O music cause he is ready to fire the rich dude. Wade comes to talk to Dalton but he continues training so Wade gets pissed off and provokes him. Insert 1980s montage of feelings and training. Elizabeth comes by late at night to talk to Dalton about what he is going to do, but suddenly the old hillbilly’s house blows up. He is ok and Dalton sees Wesley’s top dog bodyguard drive off.
Dalton catches up to him and the two start a fight at the lake! DING DING!!! They go a bunch of kung-fu moves on each other and Dalton mounts the bad ass bodyguard. See what did I tell you? Still trying to convince yourself that he isn’t gay? They start fighting again and the bad ass guy tells Dalton that he wants to f*** him. No I am NOT making this up. If you’re not convinced there are huge hidden gay messages in this movie I hope this convinced you now. Dalton gets beat down but he gets his second wind and RIPS OUT THE GUY’S THROAT!!! Wow that looked so terrible. Elizabeth comes along, sees Dalton standing above the dead body and starts yelling at him. What a damn BITCH! She is telling off Dalton for defending himself and now she doesn’t want to see him anymore? I’d rip out her throat if I were Dalton.
The next day Dalton gets a call from Wesley. He says either his girl is going to die or Wade is going to die and they’d decide who lives with a coin toss. Didn’t they make a movie about that recently? Dalton’s friend walks in all beat-up so he thinks the chick is going to die. He rushes over to the hospital, she tells him to piss off, he rushes back to the bar and finds his friend dead. There’s a note on the knife that was used to stab Wade and it said it was tails. I don’t think it was tails. If Elizabeth was find that means Wesley planned on killing Wade from the start! Dalton takes out the knife and heads over to Wesley’s place for a final showdown! Now that wasn’t a very smart move on Dalton’s part. Why the hell did he touch the knife and leave his finger prints on it? Aren’t the cops going to check for that sort of thing when it comes to them trying to solve the crime?
Everyone is waiting for Dalton with shotguns. They all start shooting at his car as it drives up at full speed and it explodes. Don’t worry folks it was a trick! Dalton wasn’t in the car he created a decoy! It appears that it was the knife that Dalton removed from Wade’s body that drove the car! Yeah I don’t get it either so I’m going to nod my head and pretend that I knew that was possible. Dalton enters the mansion and start picking off people one by one. When there are no more people left to kill its time for Dalton to go for the big, fat kill! Yeah I know, I stole a quote from Sin City but it’s an awesome movie and I’m trying to make this movie sound good, kinda… alright I just took it cause it sounds like a cool quote.
Dalton stumbles upon Wesley’s trophy room and Wesley appears with a gun. Dalton attacks but Wesley defends himself by throwing spears? What the hell happened to the gun? Amazingly Wesley, the small skinny rich asshole, is kicking the ass of someone who just ripped out someone’s throat with their barehands! Dalton gets his second wind and is about to rip out Wesley’s throat but that Elizabeth bitch comes in and tells him not to. Wesley gets up and grabs his shotgun and BOOM!!! Wait a minute Wesley didn’t fire the gun, it was Red the store-owner! He has a shotgun! Wesley is still standing, so the hillbilly comes out with another shotgun and BOOM!!! Wesley is STILL standing so the guy who owned the car store comes out with yet another shotgun and BOOM!!! But Wesley is STILL standing so Frank, the man who runs Double Deuce, comes out with ANOTHER SHOTGUN and BBBOOOOOMMM!!! Wesley FINALLY drops dead after four close range shotgun blasts. That reminded me about that scene from Robocop where everyone is firing shotguns and machine guns at Officer Murphy and it finally dies after five minutes yet his body is perfectly still in one piece.
Everyone hears the cops coming so they decide to hide the shotguns and everyone plays dumb like they just happened to stumble across this carnage. What the hell. I am not making this up trust me when I say EVERYONE is playing stupid. The cops will find the guns, they’ll find the fingerprints, they’ll test for gunpowder residual on everyone’s fingers and they’ll know what the hell happened. Then again this is the 1980s and CSI wouldn’t be around for another fifteen years or so. The movie ends with Dalton and Elizabeth kissing and making up by going skinny dipping in a lake. And everyone lives happily ever after.
What a pile of shit.
| 32 |
| Vote |
Shared on
Comments (1)
Add Comments
Read More
Comment by Wayne F
on The Bucket's Worst Movie List
Bucket Movies
You're not smart enough yourself to realise that this post was made on April Fool's Day as an April Fool's Joke. Everyone who replied to this post figure it out and if you read the comments made here, you would realise it as well. I've seen all of these movies and they are all some of my favourite movies of all time.