Final FantasyWarning!! Sensitive issue right now!
May 5th 2007 08:37
Depression. A subject that many people speak of in hushed tones or mouth the word rather than say it. Well its not a dirty word. Its not something to be ashamed of. It isn't something you can catch from the "carrier". It is not something that you can control. You CANNOT just snap out of it or pull yourself together to get out of it. It is not that occasional blue feeling you may have on a Monday morning or on the first day back to work after a holiday. It is so much more than any of this. And yes I have, over the years, heard much of this being said not necessarily to me but to, and about others. And you know what? It makes me so mad.
I wish that it was as simple as many people see it. You see when those dark clouds come rolling in I wish that I could just say oh its nothing just a bit down today! It will be sunny tomorrow. And all will be well again.
When did I first become depressed? Hmmmm probably when my mum became ill or when she died who knows. I do remember a friend from school saying my life didn't consist of highs and lows it was more like troughs and then deeper troughs. A pretty good description to be honest and that from a 17 year old.
I have long got over that feeling of having to hide what is wrong with me - I no longer feel ashamed of being depressed (don't get me wrong I don't enjoy it, far from it) but I acknowledge that it is not something I can control and that it IS a medical condition. After all what is depression? Well put quite simply it is a chemical imbalance in your brain. Neurotransmitters do not work efficiently enough to pass signals within your brain rather like a weak signal on your mobile phone the messages do not get through properly.
When my doctor put it to me in those terms it was a turning point in my life. It freed me from those negative social stereotypes that depression was or is wrong or in same way brought on by yourself. I have spent many years blaming myself for feeling depressed believing that I was weak and gave into the feeling or that I had done something that made me feel that way or that I brought it on myself in some way. Well not anymore. I am also a great deal more proactive in dealing with the early signs of depression as well and am much more willing to seek help regarding it than I ever used to be. My doctor ensured that I fully understood the causes and the effects that depression has on your system and having someone who understands and BELIEVES in how you are feeling is a big part of getting better.
I have found that my depression often manifests itself in a number of ways but always, for me, includes those typical features of inability to sleep, to waking in the wee small hours of the morning exhausted and yet still really tired. I also find i am unable to make decisions, have a lack of drive to do anything, including at times, simple things like eating. It has even taken me as far along those dark roads as I think I would ever want to go - I have considered harming myself but thankfully have never given into those feelings. But when those dark clouds roll in then it is very difficult to find your way out of them again - it colours everything in your life. I have felt like crawling under my duvet and never coming out again and when people say its all in your mind in the sense that you can put it right it really makes me so very cross. Sadly, or really I should say, happily those people have never suffered from depression otherwise they would never say those things.
Depression can be like a black hole sucking you in and it can be very difficult to get out of that gravitational pull that wants to suck you into oblivion. Sometimes oblivion seems like a good option no more decisions to be made or people to talk to or deal with or anything - and that is what is so dreadful about those dark days. You can literally give up because it seems preferable to going on. Thankfully for me treatment works and I respond to it but there are still so many people out there who do not recognise the signs or understand that they are depressed and go undiagnosed or untreated. I am not advocating popping pills as the answer, and neither will the doctors. However for some people it is the best option to restore the chemical imbalance first and then see what if any other treatments or interventions are required.
Thankfully my last bout of depression was quite a while ago. However it was debilitating enough to put me off work for 6 months. I have been very glad that it has not returned and hope that if I am lucky that I will not see those dark clouds come rolling in for a very long time.
POST SCRIPT: after completeing a course that was supposed to be good for me i have found myself in the middle of a deep and dark depression that threatens to consume all that i love.
Sounds dramatic .... well its cost me dearly so far namely the one man who loved me for me - the one man who listened to me when i hurt or was sad ... the one man who put me at the top of his list because no one else would. How did i treat this paragon?? with love yes but that love was always tinged with hints of jealousy and mistrust and doubts. How could any man put up with that??? I hurts me greatly to know that I have pushed away from me the sweetest man i have ever known ... the one man who could offer me the simple solace of the beauty of a sunset or who could offer me the comfort of a few words the one man who just thinking about him made my heart leap and my face light up in a way that had never happened before and who just one thought about him could be peace and calm to my mind. He was there with me in that course I did ... in our visualistion he was my "Amazing thing" there waiting for me in a clearing in a wood ready to envelope me in his arms and just hug me. And what did I DO???? I searched him out and questioned and badgered and picked away at all he had said till he must have decided that I never loved him or cared for him or truly believed in what he told me and that is so not true i do love him and care for him so very very much. Do i regtret what i did?? God do I ever. This last week has been so hard, so painful so desolate and lonely that i find myself crying most of the time. When i am not crying I am sleeping ... i have slept like sleeping beauty some may wonder how I have managed that ... its better to be asleep then i dont have to deal with what i have done. The hardest part is the waking up and the realsiation of the truth of the matter. Thats the hardest part. That and wondering if he will ever forgive me or even ever talk to me again.
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Comment by Miss Nomer
the one man who put me at the top of his list because no one else would. How did i treat this paragon?? with love yes but that love was always tinged with hints of jealousy and mistrust and doubts. How could any many put up with that??? I hurts me greatly to know that I have pushed away from me the sweetest man i have ever known ... the one man who could offer me the simple solace of the beauty of a sunset or who could offer me the comfort of a few words the one man who just thinking about him made my heart leap and my face light up in a way that had never happened before and who just one thought about him could be peace and calm to my mind. He was there with me in that course I did ... in our visualistion he was my "Amazing thing" there waiting for me in a clearing in a wood ready to envelope me in his arms and just hug me. And what did I DO???? I searched him out and questioned and badgered and picked away at all he had said till he must have decided that I never loved him or cared for him or truly believed in what he told me and that is so not true i do love him and care for him so very very much. Do i regtret what i did?? God do I ever. This last week has been so hard, so painful so desolate and lonely that i find myself crying most of the time. When i am not crying I am sleeping ... i have slept like sleeping beauty some may wonder how I have managed that ... its better to be asleep then i dont have to deal with what i have done. The hardest part is the waking up and the realsiation of the truth of the matter. Thats the hardest part. That and wondering if he will ever forgive me or even ever talk to me again.
I did all that to a man.....we never got to the course stage.. I made the world the stage.....he was over me when my emotions got totally out of control......he put up with a lot and he doubted my love..he had reason to...I guess...18 months later I love him exactly the same way I did back then and and we are together sometimes but entirely of his volition.....I dont recommend this to anyone...I am still grappling with "was he the one I missed out on because I was bad/sick/inadequate"...on the other hand something tells me...whats done...has been done and I know there is no going back...and I am hopeful of good experiences in the future...but no matter what this man is very important to me and always will be...Buggar....I dont this this will help...I hope it does X
Comment by Final Fantasy
Thoughts from a Scouse Wench
when i said he was there on the course i meant in a spiritual way not literally - itwas him i saw as my "amazing thing".
I dont know what will happen its very early days but i do know i love him and wish i had not repeated this damn cycle of behaviour.
But i have made steps towards rectifying that part of my life and that is a small consolation - its just so sad that the realistaion that i had to stop and seek help with the issues from my past came at such a high cost.
He doesnt know i have written this or that he was my "amazing thing" and now he may never know.
But thanks for your comments and I am sorry if i made you upset - i never intended to hurt or make anyone feel bad when i worte this.
Trish
Comment by Miss Nomer
Comment by Final Fantasy
Thoughts from a Scouse Wench
yes you are so right and i just hope that i can learn to unlearn all the ways i have been behaving - i may have lost him and thats still something i cant even begin to think about ... but i know that i have to stop now draw the line in teh sand and say NO no more ....
if i dont i will continue to ruin my life as i have been by denying myself happiness by believeing i dont deserve it and dammit I DO DESERVE TO BE HAPPY as does everyone. thanks for you thoughts xx
Comment by Riff Raff
Learning To Drive
Writer's Block
what i do want to comment on is the last thing you said in your last comment. yes you deserve to be happy. most importantly though, you have to find that happiness in yourself. whilst it's a wonderful thing to love someone else and be loved, you have to love and value yourself. if you can't do that, how can you possibly expect anyone else to?
you cannot put your happiness in the lap of someone else. if they don't deliver the goods, you'll be filthy on them and yourself. you MUST find happiness in yourself first and foremost.
Comment by Final Fantasy
Thoughts from a Scouse Wench
thanks for your comments .... i was thinking out loud more than anything - a cathartic exercise for myself more than anything.
I am also more than aware that i look for happiness within and do as well thanks
Comment by Nickoftime's Sanity Corner
you and I share the same feelings on this subject...because we both suffer from the same ailment...
But there's nothing wrong with feeling sad, and wanting to shut out the world now and again...
People aren't really trying to hurt you or make you angry when they tell you it's all in your head, or buck up, tommorows another day...
Most simply don't understand because they've never felt that emotion or been in the dark situation...
I understand fully, because I've been there!
And there is light at the end of that tunnel babe...
And I'll be there to show you the way should you ever get lost...
Hugs n kisses my Scouse Wench,
Your manic pal,
Nick