suitably*woundedWanna Run Away?
November 9th 2006 20:27
.... and join the circus? Although that didn't occur to me in the middle of last night, I wish it had. Seems the depression that overwhelmed me yesterday, teemed up with a slighter version of Rhoda, for some sort of full body assault. I did all those tricks that your therapist recommends and I visualized my utopia (Kevin Bacon in my bedroom with a glass of wine!), then did positive self-talk (Come on girl, you can do it! No really, you're smarter than you think and don't clean up too badly and, yeah, I don't do that exercise particularly well.), followed by focused breathing and hitting the hell out of a punching bag (if only mom would've been around) and finally, a hot bath. Nada. Even tossing in a bowl of macadamia brittle didn't make a scratch.
Therefore, I beat back the agoraphobia demon and drove away in my ancient Pathfinder. I'm not sure how I managed it, nor exactly where all I went. I can remember hanging out in the parking lot of Wal*Mart, watching the people who shop at 3:00 am. Which, let me tell you, on a good day is an interesting past time on its own. After that (I think), I drove off into the moonlight to the next town over and considering there's not a lot to do in Commerce during the day, you can imagine how much less there is before the sun rises. Besides, for reasoning unbeknownst to me, it was creeping me out. Other than that, I'm pretty clueless to the specifics of what transpired. I'll have to check the papers tomorrow to be certain I didn't steal any puppies or vandalize political signs (at the moment, they're all anathema to me, even of those I vote for) with devil horns. Oh wait, that last part might not be that bad of an idea.
Eventually, I ended up back where I started wondering why I don't ever act upon my half-assed attempts to leave it all behind. See, I've signed those idiotic papers, while in the hospital, that promises you'll honor the 'contact' by not committing suicide. Plus, as I think I've already mentioned, not only have I promised Jaceson, but until I can be sure (if such a thing is even feasible) that Rhoda isn't lurking on the other side, there needs be another alternative. To save my sanity. Bwahahahahahaha.
I guess I'm putting all this in my blog as just another data point in the discussion that some people's life (like mine) just isn't worth it. I've got no children and my Zen will be taken care of by the guy I married who won't dump me. And if there ends up being no 'cure' for me and I die a natural death, would it be worth it? I can't believe that X amount of years of uselessness could be. Ah, decisions, decisions. Which means that for the moment, I'm deciding whether or not I should learn juggling and if RBBB would be willing to take an old fogey like me. By the way, can anyone point me towards their headquarters?
To wrap up, I'd like to say thanks to those who listen to me (and listen and listen), but are only seen by the numbers represented in our daily stats. You have no idea how much that means to me and, such a seemingly small thing, is a bright spot in my otherwise, usual, dreary day.
When I get my literature on apply clown make-up (like I wouldn't already know, harumph), I promise to share. Everyone else, prepare for a great weekend. I'm glad you're out there in cyberspace.
Peaces,
~Kemi, lion tamer hopeful
Therefore, I beat back the agoraphobia demon and drove away in my ancient Pathfinder. I'm not sure how I managed it, nor exactly where all I went. I can remember hanging out in the parking lot of Wal*Mart, watching the people who shop at 3:00 am. Which, let me tell you, on a good day is an interesting past time on its own. After that (I think), I drove off into the moonlight to the next town over and considering there's not a lot to do in Commerce during the day, you can imagine how much less there is before the sun rises. Besides, for reasoning unbeknownst to me, it was creeping me out. Other than that, I'm pretty clueless to the specifics of what transpired. I'll have to check the papers tomorrow to be certain I didn't steal any puppies or vandalize political signs (at the moment, they're all anathema to me, even of those I vote for) with devil horns. Oh wait, that last part might not be that bad of an idea.
Eventually, I ended up back where I started wondering why I don't ever act upon my half-assed attempts to leave it all behind. See, I've signed those idiotic papers, while in the hospital, that promises you'll honor the 'contact' by not committing suicide. Plus, as I think I've already mentioned, not only have I promised Jaceson, but until I can be sure (if such a thing is even feasible) that Rhoda isn't lurking on the other side, there needs be another alternative. To save my sanity. Bwahahahahahaha.
I guess I'm putting all this in my blog as just another data point in the discussion that some people's life (like mine) just isn't worth it. I've got no children and my Zen will be taken care of by the guy I married who won't dump me. And if there ends up being no 'cure' for me and I die a natural death, would it be worth it? I can't believe that X amount of years of uselessness could be. Ah, decisions, decisions. Which means that for the moment, I'm deciding whether or not I should learn juggling and if RBBB would be willing to take an old fogey like me. By the way, can anyone point me towards their headquarters?
To wrap up, I'd like to say thanks to those who listen to me (and listen and listen), but are only seen by the numbers represented in our daily stats. You have no idea how much that means to me and, such a seemingly small thing, is a bright spot in my otherwise, usual, dreary day.
When I get my literature on apply clown make-up (like I wouldn't already know, harumph), I promise to share. Everyone else, prepare for a great weekend. I'm glad you're out there in cyberspace.
Peaces,
~Kemi, lion tamer hopeful
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