Turkey Tunes: Worst Songs of All TImes
November 22nd 2007 07:21
Before gorging myself tomorrow with 5k calories of a Thanksgiving meal, I thought that I would share with you a great article by Blender regarding some of the worst songs ever.
LInk to article
Here are some of my favs:
Clay Aiken: “Invisible” 2003
Bad haircut. Worse song!
It’s not just the schmaltzy play for loser pity (“If I was invisible — wait, I already am”). It’s not just the ridiculously purple lyrics. And it’s not just the thought of Aiken’s eternally asymmetrical porcupine ’do quivering as he soars into a high note. It’s the whole hey-girl-I-want-to-watch-you- while-you-think-you’re-alone- in-your-bedroom thing that transforms this song from a merely mediocre ballad to a disturbing voyeur fantasy, filling your head with images of Aiken downloading porn and thinking bad things about that girl from homeroom. What lurks in the hearts of lonely geeks? Clay Aiken knows, and it’s not pretty.
Worst Moment “I wish you could touch me with the colors of your life.”
Eddie Murphy: “Party All the Time” 1985
Beverly Hills Cop commits felony pop
Now, it might seem like a cruel satire: Leather-suited comedian teams up with Jheri-curled Superfreak to craft hit record. But no — in 1985, Eddie Murphy and Rick James really did get to number 2 with this catatonic checklist of funk clichés: the witlessly parping synthesizers, electro-totalitarian drums that are practically ready to invade Poland on their own, production mimicking karaoke night in an abandoned pet-food factory and…falsetto singing!
Worst Moment James oozes, “She-likes-to-paaarty — all — the — tiiiime,” leaving us in no doubt about what kind of “party” he has in mind. Relax, ladies: He was on crack.
Billy Ray Cyrus: “Achy Breaky Heart” 1992
At least the haircut never caught on. Oh, wait…
Country, but not as we know it. Written by Vietnam vet Don “Pickle Puss” Von Tress in the style of a brain-dead “Blue Suede Shoes,” “Achy Breaky Heart” represented every prejudice non-believers have about country: It was trite, it was inane, it was big in trailer parks and it was thoroughly enjoyed by the obese. Strangely, it was covered by Bruce Springsteen, with slightly less irony than you might imagine; still, this does not make it good.
Worst Moment An instrumental break that single-handedly rejuvenated the line-dancing fad.
Starship: “We Built This City” 1985
The truly horrible sound of a band taking the corporate dollar while sneering at those who take the corporate dollar
The lyrics of “We Built This City” appear to restate the importance of the band once known as Jefferson Airplane within San Francisco’s ’60s rock scene. Not so, says former leader Grace Slick, who by 1985 had handed her band to singer Mickey Thomas and a shadowy team of outside songwriters.
“Everybody thought we were talking about San Francisco. We weren’t,” Slick says. “It was written by an Englishman, Bernie Taupin, about Los Angeles in the early ’70s. Nobody was telling the truth!”
Certainly not Starship, who spend the song carrying on as if they invented rock & roll rebellion, while churning out music that encapsulates all that was wrong with rock in the ’80s: Sexless and corporate, it sounds less like a song than something built in a lab by a team of record-company executives.
The result was so awful that years afterward, it seems to bring on a personality disorder in the woman who sang it. “This is not me,” Slick remarks when reminded of the 1985 chart-topper. “Now you’re an actor. It’s the same as Meryl Streep playing Joan of Arc.”
Worst Moment “Who cares, they’re always changing corporation names,” sneers Slick — whose band had changed its name three times.
Bette Midler; “From a Distance” 1990
Satanic ballad depicts the Lord as neglectful oaf
Ignoring an entire century of existentialism and science that declared God dead, bawdy bathhouse babe Bette Midler keeps a straight face throughout liberal homilies, stiff rhymes and more sound F/X than a Mel Gibson movie. Sure, war and famine suck, but Midler assures us that “God is watching us, from a distance.” In other words, the Almighty is some kind of heavenly grandfather, loving and caring, but too doddering and distracted to really get involved. Thanks, God!
Worst Moment The drum machine. If God exists, He probably hates drum machines.
Billy Joel: “We Didn’t Start the Fire” 1989Can you fit a cultural history of the twentieth century into four minutes? Uh, no
Despite its bombastic production, “We Didn’t Start the Fire” resembles a term paper scribbled the night before it’s due. As the song progresses, Joel audibly realizes he can’t cram it all in: The ’70s get four bellowed words amid the widdly-woo guitars and meet-thy-maker drums. The chorus denies responsibility for any events mentioned, clearing up the common misconception that Billy Joel developed the H-bomb.
Worst Moment “China’s under martial law, rock & roller cola wars!”: No way does conflating Tiananmen Square with Michael Jackson selling Pepsi trivialize a massacre.
Dan Fogleberg: “Longer” 1979
Dear Mr. Fogelberg: Why not consider a stage name?
Having trouble placing this song? Imagine you’re in a dentist’s chair with a 10-inch steel drill about to bore into your molars when this Muzak classic pipes in through the office speakers. The singer sounds like he could be your patchouli-scented sixth-grade history teacher, whispering politely about being in love with you longer than there have been fish in the ocean, higher than any bird ever flew. Then the violins kick in. Then you pray for the sweet, sweet relief of the drill.
Worst Moment Any musician who uses the phrase forest primeval with a straight face must be stopped.
Readers: What Songs do you think are Turkeys?
LInk to article
Here are some of my favs:
Clay Aiken: “Invisible” 2003
Bad haircut. Worse song!
It’s not just the schmaltzy play for loser pity (“If I was invisible — wait, I already am”). It’s not just the ridiculously purple lyrics. And it’s not just the thought of Aiken’s eternally asymmetrical porcupine ’do quivering as he soars into a high note. It’s the whole hey-girl-I-want-to-watch-you- while-you-think-you’re-alone- in-your-bedroom thing that transforms this song from a merely mediocre ballad to a disturbing voyeur fantasy, filling your head with images of Aiken downloading porn and thinking bad things about that girl from homeroom. What lurks in the hearts of lonely geeks? Clay Aiken knows, and it’s not pretty.
Worst Moment “I wish you could touch me with the colors of your life.”
Eddie Murphy: “Party All the Time” 1985
Beverly Hills Cop commits felony pop
Now, it might seem like a cruel satire: Leather-suited comedian teams up with Jheri-curled Superfreak to craft hit record. But no — in 1985, Eddie Murphy and Rick James really did get to number 2 with this catatonic checklist of funk clichés: the witlessly parping synthesizers, electro-totalitarian drums that are practically ready to invade Poland on their own, production mimicking karaoke night in an abandoned pet-food factory and…falsetto singing!
Worst Moment James oozes, “She-likes-to-paaarty — all — the — tiiiime,” leaving us in no doubt about what kind of “party” he has in mind. Relax, ladies: He was on crack.
Billy Ray Cyrus: “Achy Breaky Heart” 1992
At least the haircut never caught on. Oh, wait…
Country, but not as we know it. Written by Vietnam vet Don “Pickle Puss” Von Tress in the style of a brain-dead “Blue Suede Shoes,” “Achy Breaky Heart” represented every prejudice non-believers have about country: It was trite, it was inane, it was big in trailer parks and it was thoroughly enjoyed by the obese. Strangely, it was covered by Bruce Springsteen, with slightly less irony than you might imagine; still, this does not make it good.
Worst Moment An instrumental break that single-handedly rejuvenated the line-dancing fad.
Starship: “We Built This City” 1985
The truly horrible sound of a band taking the corporate dollar while sneering at those who take the corporate dollar
The lyrics of “We Built This City” appear to restate the importance of the band once known as Jefferson Airplane within San Francisco’s ’60s rock scene. Not so, says former leader Grace Slick, who by 1985 had handed her band to singer Mickey Thomas and a shadowy team of outside songwriters.
“Everybody thought we were talking about San Francisco. We weren’t,” Slick says. “It was written by an Englishman, Bernie Taupin, about Los Angeles in the early ’70s. Nobody was telling the truth!”
Certainly not Starship, who spend the song carrying on as if they invented rock & roll rebellion, while churning out music that encapsulates all that was wrong with rock in the ’80s: Sexless and corporate, it sounds less like a song than something built in a lab by a team of record-company executives.
The result was so awful that years afterward, it seems to bring on a personality disorder in the woman who sang it. “This is not me,” Slick remarks when reminded of the 1985 chart-topper. “Now you’re an actor. It’s the same as Meryl Streep playing Joan of Arc.”
Worst Moment “Who cares, they’re always changing corporation names,” sneers Slick — whose band had changed its name three times.
Bette Midler; “From a Distance” 1990
Satanic ballad depicts the Lord as neglectful oaf
Ignoring an entire century of existentialism and science that declared God dead, bawdy bathhouse babe Bette Midler keeps a straight face throughout liberal homilies, stiff rhymes and more sound F/X than a Mel Gibson movie. Sure, war and famine suck, but Midler assures us that “God is watching us, from a distance.” In other words, the Almighty is some kind of heavenly grandfather, loving and caring, but too doddering and distracted to really get involved. Thanks, God!
Worst Moment The drum machine. If God exists, He probably hates drum machines.
Billy Joel: “We Didn’t Start the Fire” 1989Can you fit a cultural history of the twentieth century into four minutes? Uh, no
Despite its bombastic production, “We Didn’t Start the Fire” resembles a term paper scribbled the night before it’s due. As the song progresses, Joel audibly realizes he can’t cram it all in: The ’70s get four bellowed words amid the widdly-woo guitars and meet-thy-maker drums. The chorus denies responsibility for any events mentioned, clearing up the common misconception that Billy Joel developed the H-bomb.
Worst Moment “China’s under martial law, rock & roller cola wars!”: No way does conflating Tiananmen Square with Michael Jackson selling Pepsi trivialize a massacre.
Dan Fogleberg: “Longer” 1979
Dear Mr. Fogelberg: Why not consider a stage name?
Having trouble placing this song? Imagine you’re in a dentist’s chair with a 10-inch steel drill about to bore into your molars when this Muzak classic pipes in through the office speakers. The singer sounds like he could be your patchouli-scented sixth-grade history teacher, whispering politely about being in love with you longer than there have been fish in the ocean, higher than any bird ever flew. Then the violins kick in. Then you pray for the sweet, sweet relief of the drill.
Worst Moment Any musician who uses the phrase forest primeval with a straight face must be stopped.
Readers: What Songs do you think are Turkeys?
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
Health Focus
Poetry Lighthouse
MS Paint Art
Comment by James Rickard
unlucky_ fishermen.com
Angling Fish
Comment by Mr Nice Guy
Pop Culturist
My Heart Will Live On from Celine Dion, I'm Too Sexy by Drop Dead Fred, The Macarena and Chicken Dance songs, That Damned Crazy Frog ringtone song, Let's Get Physical by Olivia Newton John, Do You Really Want to Hurt Me from Culture Club, Chris De Burgh - Lady In Red - ouch, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun . . .
Best I stop - it's all starting to hurt a little too much.
Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving!
MNG
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I looked all over YouTube and could not find a video of that song and dance. Darn it!
mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Good to see you! I hate to admit it but I love "Kung Fu Fighting". I agree with this 100%
I think the commercialism of the Disco Era produced a lot of stinkers.
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Thanksgiving was great. Putting my feet up after a day of cooking!
Love your list of "turkeys". That stupid frog song is sooooooo annoying!
Mis
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Great topic, generally I hate any songs which are overplayed and almost become anthems.
I agree with you about:
Billy Ray Cyrus: “Achy Breaky Heart”
Starship: “We Built This City”
Bette Midler; “From a Distance”
And I'd add any song by Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Whitney Housten and any other indulgent warblers.
Oh and Agadoo by Black Lace and The Chicken/Birdy Song by whoever....I'm cringing as I type...
Byeee
Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
oooh I`m almost embarrassed to admit that 'Achy Breaky Heart' was a tape I used to listen to quite regularly...
My mind has gone blank as to any songs that I really despise.... the frog song is definitely one of them though. I`ll have to give this some thought....
love the turkey pic hahahaha! poor guy!
Ash
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
Anything by Celine Dion should automatically be in that category as well.
I know there's many many others I should add, but I can't for the life of me think of any. I'll be back when I do
Hope your Thanksgiving was great!
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Good to see you!
Great topic, generally I hate any songs which are overplayed and almost become anthems.
I agree with you friend!
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
So good to see you! You crack me up!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
My Thanksgiving was great! Hope your weekend is relaxing!
Mis
Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
Watch the video - it's amazingly bad
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Thanks for sharing...... HAHAHAHA!
Mis
Comment by Lilla
Enviro Warrior
An Extra Ordinary Life
Dream Herald
DON"T GO, DON"T GO...
*gag*
(please go, with my blessings)...
I loved your list, pretty close to my own there Mis...
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I have never heard of it until now. GROOOOSSSSS!
Mis