Journey to the centre of the self
July 15th 2008 15:35
We all spend an enormous amount of time wondering what others think, of how they judge us - we even like to pretend we dont care of what they think or if they judge us.
Its the inner dialogue that we fight every day - that being ourselves is wrong or justified.
I fight my inner dialogue every day. I wonder if i will do what i really want to do or will i slip back into what is easy but not beneficial for me and who i am. I do judge and i dont like it. I judge myself and compare others against me. I know that it is wrong and i work hard every day to change my habits that i have developed since childhood.
See i dont believe that i have to put up with the way that i behave and believe it is the only way i can be. I can be who ever i want to be. I have been trying to change my behaviour since i was in my mid teens. It was then that i realised how much i lied, they were not huge lies but lies so that people didnt get angry at me as i get quite distressed when that happens and it is still some thing i have yet to master (but i do have the fear covered up quite well over many years of practice) I realised that i was not only lying to others but also to myself and that had to stop.
I remember the first time that i took responsibility for my actions and told the truth when some one asked me a question, my whole body filled with tingles of anxiety and fear but i was determained to begin to accept that if i had participated in something that wasn't right then i had to own it. It became easier over time and now i get offended when people call me a liar as i know that i dont lie.
I am just like you. Human and it isn't such a bad thing. It is difficult some of the times and some of the times its great. Or vice versa depends on every individual.
But there is some thing more to our every day actions - dont you think?
Dont you think that if you listened to the true honesty within yourself that you may not be in the job your currently in? Or do what you really want to do in life.. follow that dream live it and be your true happiness. I Believe it takes alot of courage and faith. You do have a choice, you can trust or you can ignore your inner dialogue.
I decided to trust. Trust what ever it was that was inside me urging me to do something about my job, it took becoming ill for me to acknowlegde that i had to make a choice, to live with that choice i was about to make. So i took a leap, it has not been easy, though i havn't made it easy for myself either.
Grandted i have actually been through alot in the last 3 years and all of it just caught up with me, so i thought. It wasn't until my 5th week on the couch and becoming increasingly plumpier that i realised i had ignored all of my hardest experiences from my mid teens till now. (i am turning 30) It all was catching up on my at once.. Not good... but again i trust, the day cant get worse - at least i am not taking drugs any more nor am i drinking so that in itself is a bonus.
I write this with honesty so that you know that your not alone or that there is some one you can relate to. We can make decisions, the beauty of free will is that we do get to choose again and again, no matter how many times we may get it wrong.
Never give up, for if what you want to achieve is worth fighting for then keep trying.
A good friend of mine wrote to me :
Forgivness to others that have done you wrong is easy but a sin against oneself is unforgivable. Your always perfect, you have the perfect image within you and every body is responsible for the pollution of thier temple.
I found this inspiring, i hope that you may also.
Can you take a chance? I am by writing this, i love to write but find i am fearful of ridicule - yet here i am not only writing but talking about my personal affairs for the whole world to read if they choose. But i want to inspire others and i want to help others - i am not quite sure how. I am hoping that i can help others through my own experiences, through the journey that i have taken so far and that i can make it all the more easier for at least one person out there.
I am a living soul, just like you and i CHOOSE to be me.
Its the inner dialogue that we fight every day - that being ourselves is wrong or justified.
I fight my inner dialogue every day. I wonder if i will do what i really want to do or will i slip back into what is easy but not beneficial for me and who i am. I do judge and i dont like it. I judge myself and compare others against me. I know that it is wrong and i work hard every day to change my habits that i have developed since childhood.
See i dont believe that i have to put up with the way that i behave and believe it is the only way i can be. I can be who ever i want to be. I have been trying to change my behaviour since i was in my mid teens. It was then that i realised how much i lied, they were not huge lies but lies so that people didnt get angry at me as i get quite distressed when that happens and it is still some thing i have yet to master (but i do have the fear covered up quite well over many years of practice) I realised that i was not only lying to others but also to myself and that had to stop.
I remember the first time that i took responsibility for my actions and told the truth when some one asked me a question, my whole body filled with tingles of anxiety and fear but i was determained to begin to accept that if i had participated in something that wasn't right then i had to own it. It became easier over time and now i get offended when people call me a liar as i know that i dont lie.
I am just like you. Human and it isn't such a bad thing. It is difficult some of the times and some of the times its great. Or vice versa depends on every individual.
But there is some thing more to our every day actions - dont you think?
Dont you think that if you listened to the true honesty within yourself that you may not be in the job your currently in? Or do what you really want to do in life.. follow that dream live it and be your true happiness. I Believe it takes alot of courage and faith. You do have a choice, you can trust or you can ignore your inner dialogue.
I decided to trust. Trust what ever it was that was inside me urging me to do something about my job, it took becoming ill for me to acknowlegde that i had to make a choice, to live with that choice i was about to make. So i took a leap, it has not been easy, though i havn't made it easy for myself either.
Grandted i have actually been through alot in the last 3 years and all of it just caught up with me, so i thought. It wasn't until my 5th week on the couch and becoming increasingly plumpier that i realised i had ignored all of my hardest experiences from my mid teens till now. (i am turning 30) It all was catching up on my at once.. Not good... but again i trust, the day cant get worse - at least i am not taking drugs any more nor am i drinking so that in itself is a bonus.
I write this with honesty so that you know that your not alone or that there is some one you can relate to. We can make decisions, the beauty of free will is that we do get to choose again and again, no matter how many times we may get it wrong.
Never give up, for if what you want to achieve is worth fighting for then keep trying.
A good friend of mine wrote to me :
Forgivness to others that have done you wrong is easy but a sin against oneself is unforgivable. Your always perfect, you have the perfect image within you and every body is responsible for the pollution of thier temple.
I found this inspiring, i hope that you may also.
Can you take a chance? I am by writing this, i love to write but find i am fearful of ridicule - yet here i am not only writing but talking about my personal affairs for the whole world to read if they choose. But i want to inspire others and i want to help others - i am not quite sure how. I am hoping that i can help others through my own experiences, through the journey that i have taken so far and that i can make it all the more easier for at least one person out there.
I am a living soul, just like you and i CHOOSE to be me.
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