TomC

4:00pm - Wynyard Station. The 3:42pm Western Line train rolls in with a clang and an exasperated "finally". Dressed in formal attire, branching notebooks, discussing business mergers on mobiles - the multicultural rainbow of Sydney approaches the doors.

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Then FIGHT - the jousting begins. Everyo ne getting off the train must scrum against everyone getting on. The number players on each side depends randomly on 1) the amount of people inside the carriage and 2) the position of the doors whether it's a 6 car train or an 8 car train. The unfortunate example below, we see 31 vs. 1.

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Unfortunately, he loses and he must return to the train, hold a caucus in the carriage and summon up enough morale so his team defeats the next station.

At least, this must be an explanation for why we form human walls in front of train doors. We must assume we become impermeable entities that can be walked though when the Tangara separates its mandibles. I recommend that Cityrail installs bouncers and a velvet rope in front of each door. The rebellious will be tazed.

Do you enjoy Sydney train scrumming? Are you a perpetrator or a victim? Add a comment...

Having A Conversation

Here are some things that I notice us young Australians do in conversations. I'm just as guilty as you, don't worry. There are the obvious ones like saying "Hi, how are you?" just for "Hi" but you're ADVANCED Australian speakers now, you don't need that.

Beginning the conversation

If you've just run into someone on the street you know, you begin by saying out loud what you were thinking when you saw them approaching. Examples:

"I was thinking... "Is that Damien??? And it was!"

"I thought that looked like you!"

You'll hear it all the time now, slap the person when you do... even if it's you.

False modesty

Someone tells you some good news or you want to congratulate them on something you heard about. The response is usually an drawn out "nooooooooooooooo"

"Hey! Congrats on that new job! You're on the career path now!"

"Noooooooooooooooooo"

"I'm so jealous about your new cat"

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, don't be"

Say something like "Thanks, I deserved it!" or "Yeah BITCH! Eat IT!"

Agreeing With Someone Too Much

For the sake of maintaining peaceful conversation, we do this to people we don't know too well.

Bazza: OMG It's so hot today

Jess: Yeah i know it's like a heat wave, I can't stand it

Bazza: Actually, that wind's a bit frosty

Jess: Yeah it's like we're in Siberia.

Saying Goodbye

Goodbye has been distorted in our Australian language. We can say "see ya" even if we know we won't see them again or "we'll meet up for coffee" even if you're allergic to it. It all just means "bye"

"Are you excite?"

Lol, that poor castrated "-d"

So let's put it all together!

Typical Eastern-Avenue Australian Conversation

Cam: Hey Jess!

Jess: Oh, I thought that was you!

Cam: Yeah I saw you and I was thinking "Is that Jess? She looks so good!"

Jess: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo, but thank you!

Cam: So are you excite for Dave's 21st?

Jess: Yeah i'm stoked, I love Dave!

Cam: I'm thinking of dogging it, he's been a bit of dickhead lately.

Jess: Yeah, i know! He's always like that

Cam: So, I have to rush off to class, but we'll meet for coffee later?

Jess: For sure, see ya!

For more Aussie language lessons, here is lesson #1, #2, #3, #4, #5 Uni Vocab

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When we return, we have pushy mothers and their identical daughters. I loved the segment with Karla Tonkie-something being pupeteered by her mum telling her it was her dream etc. Cut footage: Hannibal moment of her scalpelling off her daughters face and elbowing her way into the audition room to sing Fallin'/Ain't No Sunshine apostrophe melody.

Yet the highlight of the show, the series and television history was Scheryl Inningsbridgeworth... i don't remember her real name but it was the 62 year old woman pretending to be a 30 year old. Obviously she thought wearing her hat tilted like that would let her get away with it instead of peddling in with her lawn-bowls scooter. She sang like a casserole but let's look at some of her quotes

"I have a right to look like this, it's the industry that did it to me"

"Youse all got fooled!"

Then we see her invert the sentence in shifting the subject and the predicate:

"Fooled youse all"

A grasp of English of that calibre could exponge the grease off Holden's flimsy hold of the language.

Julie Anne next who says that she's submitted thousands of her demo CDs to radio stations etc. Naturally, her voice is a shamble and i'm sure we all just felt sorry for her. It appears she never got the chance to actually listen to any of her 1000s of CDs she sent out but Holden goes off an teases this poor deaf donkey with a carrot-flavoured microphone for what seems like 2 hours. Dicko says she was a "mental breakdown". Marcia notes she put "music person" on her application then says... in a tone that sounds like Marcia was just diagnosed with a complicated sounding Latin disease... "What does that meaaaan?". I need that as my ringtone.

Long-haired asian

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Marcia quote of the week #1: "Hey listen, enjoy!" to Jack Byrnes while he's leaving.

Marcia quote of the week #2: "Someone has to teach you how to find the MEL-O-DEEE"

Anthony Nuku gets wheelchair sympathy. Andrew G reacts by pushing him into chairs then adjusts his hair in the camera monitor.

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So then we pop over to Mildura to Jessie who sings an original "Shiver For Me". Sure it's a pretty song that sounds like a Missy Higgins/Lisa Mitchell test tube baby.. but it's nothing special. Naturally Mark Holden does some Yeltsin dancing over finding a real artist. Shockingly though, Jessie then leaves the room and comes right back dressed as a man named Dewaynne Everett Smith who sings the same pop-rock-acoustic dilute. I didn't think that was in the rules. As James said "A troooly original singerrrr" indeed.

Marcia quote of the week #3: "Work those vocal chords, amen!!

Back to Melbourne where Husny Thalib the arabic-asian comes. Racist Holden says ""You're asian and you're arabic? Then how will you park your explosive car into Picadilly Circus?" Ok, he doesn't but after the segment of him mispronouncing ethnic names for 20 minutes, he may as well have. He sings pretty well and his piercings and make-up are a welcome relief from 12 consecutive Lisa Higgins.

...but then comes Jacob Butler again. Freshly rejected from X-factor Australian Idol 2005: Laura Gissara... he returns again like an Australian Idol Batman villain. Ready to attack the world of amateur singing with a style SO dated that Holden himself doesn't even remember it. He gets through and Marcia delivers a wonderful one

Marcia quote of the week #4: "That's called "waiting to exhale" "

So tomorrow's show is Sydney! I see that Kyle and Dicko are behaving themselves for the moment, hopefully the producers will shake their cages soon enough. One thing is for certain, Marcia only gets better with age.