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Lifes little slices - by charliesgirl_992000

Lifes little slices - August 2007

Today my life changed in HUGE ways

August 26th 2007 16:40

This picture shows perfectly whats in my head. I want to write about what has happened, but at the same time i don't. I've had a HUGE decision laying on me for almost a year now. I finally made the step this morning. It can't be taken back now. It's too late for that. It HAD to be done and i know that, BUT knowing that doesn't erase the huge pain i feel in my heart today. A huge pain that won't ease for months, maybe even years. I layed in my bed and cried hard. I also prayed hard that i could just die where i lay, and i meant it.

"I'm brocken!"
I'm hurting"
"I want to lay down and not wake up"
This day doesn't feel real. I grasp into air, but can't get hold of it. I feel it on my skin. I feel it hold me up. It must be, because i'm not. I want to jump in my truck and drive far and fast. I see the wall in fron't of me, i feel it comming closer and closer. I see the crash. That seeing in my mind HAS to be enough. Sucks, but it has to be enough. Too many other people need me. Then again, "What do i ever do for anyone anyway?" Tinker bell lays on my lap looking up at my with those pretty eyes. i say to her, "You need me don't you?" You LOVE me don't you. I don't want to leave, i don't want to die, i just don't want to feel. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to breath. I don't want to sit up with a body that feels boneless now. A body that feels like mush.
When it's finaly done and i cry all my tears. Start to put my life back together, it will be ok. This needed done. Nothing i could do to fix it. I tried. I REALY tried.

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Comment by katyzzz

August 26th 2007 21:22

Photography Tips
MS Paint Art

Whatever it is darling, it's very cruel, I just wish I could do something to help.

I love you and need you, just think of all those wonderful photos of the farm, the children, the animals. Tammy you are plagued, I can see that, but you are so very blessed, go for a long walk amongst nature, to-day, take the animals with you, breathe in the air, take strength from the trees and delight in so many things that God has to offer.

My prayers and thoughts are with you.

katyzzz

Comment by charliesgirl_992000

August 26th 2007 21:47

Histeries, Mysteries and what not
Lifes little slices
Mystical Creativity

Katyzzz, Your words mean sooo much to me!! This two shall pass and just writing it out helps get it out of my heart for awhile. Things will be hard for a few weeks, but i can't keep letting 1 person make everyone else walk on egg shells because they always want their way. I also won't let someone try and convice me that i did something i didn't do. I've lost a HUGE part of my heart! It hurts badly, but it has to happen.
luv always Tammy

Comment by Tracy

August 26th 2007 21:51

Movies and Life

Tammy, I hope you are OK. Thinking of you,

Tracy

Comment by charliesgirl_992000

August 26th 2007 22:19

Histeries, Mysteries and what not
Lifes little slices
Mystical Creativity

Thank you Tracy!!! They say big things come in three's...
1. mymoms death august 1st
2. this

number 3 shouldn't be too far off. I'm ready. "Bring it on!!!"

"God never gives us more then we can handle!"
luv Tammy

Comment by Tracy

August 26th 2007 22:30

Movies and Life

If that's true, I hope number 3 is easier and less painful to deal with,

Byee xx

Comment by Ash

August 26th 2007 22:43

Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories

Hi Tammy

I hope that crying and writing this out has eased your pain for you a little. They are two ways of helping to process and release.

Big decisions are so difficult to make and sometimes need doing even though they are hard and break your heart.

Everyone is needed by someone Tammy, even if it does not seem to be that way. You have so much life still left to live and enjoy. I pray that your journey is paved with rose petals from here on in.

hugs
Ash

Comment by Nickoftime's Sanity Corner

August 26th 2007 23:17

Tammy,

whatever it was, I know that it will pass soon and you'll be able to get on with your life...

No decision is easy, and big ones are the worst, life changing ones take so much out of you...

I hope you come through this ok, I truly do! If you need to talk, you know where I am...

Peace and white light,

Nick

Comment by charliesgirl_992000

August 27th 2007 20:45

Histeries, Mysteries and what not
Lifes little slices
Mystical Creativity

"Thank you Ash!!!" I'm up and down, up and down, fine with my decision one minute and not the next , crying one minute and not the next. I had to do this for the rest of our family. wWhen 1 person is making it hard on the rest of the family, it's time to fix it and by doing that, i am loosing my daughter [AGAIN} but it can't be avoided. I hope when she gets back to Illinois, she signs back up for Sanford Brown and goes on to school, staying away from all the friends dshe has taht drink almost daily or atleast every weekend, and do drugs regularly. Thats why i put up with her behairvior for so long. I'm knew she'd leave and go back there, but now it's gotten to be too much. The time, it just finally wore me out and i had to do something.
I'll get through this! I'm wonderful with bouncing back from hard times.
hugs, Tammy

Comment by charliesgirl_992000

August 27th 2007 20:52

Histeries, Mysteries and what not
Lifes little slices
Mystical Creativity

"Thank you Nick!!" I will be sooo fine very soon. With the way she is being today, it's getting easier already. I've been called a B today, and she has said that i've threaghtened to sale her horse if she leaves, since she got here. That is sooo not true. I bought her a horse when i first lived here, and she wasn't even living here. We had her horse over a year without her here. I have threaghtened to sale her horse if she didn't start buying it's hay, grain, fairier care, shots and such. She works, blowing her money while dad and i pay everything. She ran her cell phone bill up month after month. This last month over $300 dolars. Thats it, enough of dad and i being taken advantage of. so we said we where shutting off the phones unless they paid them theirselves and we'd sell the horses. Her's is up for sale and her phone is going off. we gave her plenty of time to step up and pay back for the stuff, so the horse sale will cover it all. She wouldn't even feed or water her own horse the 1st year. I had to pay Kaitlyn out of my own pocket. Thats it! I've hit the end of my rope. Her horse is also kicking still, even after breaking work. I'm scared of him,a nd taht someone else will get hurt, like my husband. I think the faihrier wants him still. I hope because it's sooo hard to sale him.
Take care, Tammy

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