Eclipse
February 21st 2007 02:24
Having a relationship with a married man was just like having an eclipse of the moon where you could only receive part of the total relationship. It seemed like the love you offered him is outweighed the love that you received from him. Once you realized the fact that you could never have the completeness of his attention, this kind of love would become the painful burden in your life.
From the moral point of view, even if he was really in love with you and he was no longer having feelings for his wife, he would still feel responsible for his family. Moreover, for the sake of his children, he would consider great deal on divorcing his wife. Especially when a man was wealthy, unless there was a prenuptial, he would not even consider leaving his wife with half of his assets for you.
At the beginning of the relationship, you were always longing for his precious time to spend with you; but he had very limited time for you. He would give you one hour here and there to express his feelings to you. You were happy to see him and frustrated when he left. Instead of doing productive works, you sat next to the phone or looked at your cell phone too often. Your emotion was unstable as it went up one minute and down the next minute. His actions could stir your emotion like a hurricane. You constantly had to fight with the rationality in your head.
You were longing for a secret rendezvous with him as many times as you could. Every phone call from him has been an effort - in the middle of the night at the convenient store, in the bathroom, and somewhere that no one can find out. Disappointment was your nickname and all your hopes were only fantasies. Valentine's Day was just the day that you had a lucky chance to observe many lovers walking hands-in-hands and kissing on the street. The word "vacation" was not on your dictionary. He had made too many excuses to get out of having meetings with you. These episodes had been habitually enough that you so got used to wipe off the stubborn and heavy tears from your pathetic face. You were pondering through hundreds of reason why he rejected you. You got yourself drunk and waited for tomorrow, another lucky day.
~***********~
You looked at him sitting next to you at the restaurant and you were speechless. You have tried so hard to find something to talk about and all that you could think of was his imperfections. You did not even want his pendant touching your bare skin. Every meeting was so deadly and you became frozen and stiff without the emotion. You felt uncomfortable to share an umbrella with him under a pouring rain. Sex was no longer a desire. You just realized that the magic was long gone. However, you have tried well to hide your emotion because you have been well-trained.
Not too long ago, you used to hold each other hands and used to kiss at strange places. You tried to look your best in all occasions. You used to think he was the only one person in the entire universe who could satisfy all your needs. You used to fantasize about making love with him at the most exotic place. Making love has never been an involuntary act. Every gentle stroke that you have made it lied on his skin was filled with love and enjoyment. In return, he would moisten you with his soothing and merciful tongue. You thought you never had enough of this person.
You tried to hold on to the good memories that had left in you. Throughout the relationship, you had tried so hard to lock in all the right pieces of puzzle to manifest a perfect and complete representation of your devoted love for him and his for you. Unfortunately, you have never been receiving the other half – his half of the jigsaw puzzle. And in time, these ancient pieces of memory have been self-erased, fading in color until the entire collection become pale and lifeless.
You wanted to re-capture all the happy moments that you two had shared together. However, for many years, persistently, you have tried so hard that you felt nauseating. You requested to have more time and privacy for yourself. You have made so many excuses to get out of any available date – to get out of the relationship. Deep down, you knew the love you once had for this person was no longer there. The roles have been reversed. All of the sudden, you were in the middle of the spot light, just right before you were ready to step out of the relationship. Everything in this world had an expiration date and love was not an exception. The waiting time has been excessively long and the last thread of genuine love had finally expired with no going back…
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