This News Isn't Just Good; It's FABULOUS
Glory be to God, oh my brothers and sisters in Christ's Galactic Empire! It is with great joy that I am able to comment on this news regarding our dear Pastor Ted Haggard. Behold!
CLICK HERE TO READ ABOUT HOW PASTOR TED IS NOT GAY!
I've always known that Pastor Ted would be cleared of these ludicrous charges of gayness. The mere thought that he could ever be so sinful is absurd! You see, I had the privilege of hearing Pastor Ted preach once. I was in Colorado a couple years ago as I was doing some cross-country proselytizing work at nursing homes (wonderful places to preach the Word. Most residents are bedridden, or at best only capable of wheeling their chairs away very, very slowly, so it's easy to get a lot of preaching out to them.) Since I was in the Colorado Springs neighborhood, I decided to stop in at the New Life Church on Sunday and listen to Pastor Ted, whom I'd long admired, deliver his sermon.
Their was a joyful buzz in the church as all of the Godly flock awaited the arrival of their shepherd. I sat anxiously in my seat, nervous and excited all at once. Would I like him? He seemed wonderful on TV, but what about in person? Suddenly, the music began and Pastor Ted bounded up on the stage! He was dynamic, charismatic, and radiant with Godliness, and immediately he began to preach. Initially it was mostly small talk; awkward segues and frequent pauses. But I could feel his confidence growing, and I relaxed, closed my eyes, and let his words wash over me. At first his preaching was gentle. The words were like hands, softly rubbing my shoulders and caressing my back. They embraced me, strong but tender. Then, suddenly, Pastor Ted got very firm, and I became excited! I lost all sense of what was happening then, and sank into the moment of his preaching. Soon Pastor Ted was on fire, his words striking me like a leather riding crop. He thrust the message into me again and again, and hot tears of shame flowed down my cheeks like rivers. I was overcome by guilt and revulsion at my sinfulness, but there was a note of pleasure as well. It was all so complex!
Finally, Pastor Ted's sermon reached a great climax, and I felt a shudder go through my body. And then, in the blink of an eye, it was over. Pastor Ted walked off the stage looking sleepy and spent. I wiped the tears away and smiled, waiting for him to come back out. I waited and waited until long after everyone had gone, but he never came back. Disappointed, even slightly hurt that I hadn't had a chance to see him again, I headed for my car. It may have been fleeting, but it was the best sermon I ever had.
Now we're supposed to believe that this man of God is gay? Fellow Stormtroopers, Pastor Ted has made it unequivocally clear that he is completely, 100% heterosexual. As if there was any doubt! People, we have to be cautious that we do not step into the mine field that is "stereotypes". Does singing showtunes make a man gay? No. Does being a hairdresser make a man gay? Of course not. Does seeking out a male masseuse/prostitute and sodomizing him semi-regularly for 3 years while wearing assless chaps and taking crystal meth make a man gay? Not at all! Brothers and sisters, gayness is a sin that is committed in one's heart. I can guarantee you that the entire time that Pastor Ted was engaging in homosexual activities with that male whore, he was thinking about committing adultery with beautiful, large-breasted women. His heart and mind were ever and always in their natural, hetero, completely non-gay states. Look, I've bought soy chicken nuggets a few times when they were on sale. That does not make me a vegetarian!
Pastor Ted's confirmation of non-gayness is a triumph. But there is an unfortunate side to the story as well: the New Life Church has decided that Pastor Ted would be better off pursuing a "secular" career. Why not just stab him through the heart, you jackals? How can you "forgive him" but not take him back? Ask yourselves, What would Jesus do? I'll tell you what he'd do: He'd forgive Pastor Ted and welcome him back with a righteous, lingering man-hug. Should we do any less?
Good luck, Pastor Ted. You left your mark on me long ago and it's never washed off. I can only pray that the Lord continues to use you to touch people in your special way. God bless.
CLICK HERE TO READ ABOUT HOW PASTOR TED IS NOT GAY!
I've always known that Pastor Ted would be cleared of these ludicrous charges of gayness. The mere thought that he could ever be so sinful is absurd! You see, I had the privilege of hearing Pastor Ted preach once. I was in Colorado a couple years ago as I was doing some cross-country proselytizing work at nursing homes (wonderful places to preach the Word. Most residents are bedridden, or at best only capable of wheeling their chairs away very, very slowly, so it's easy to get a lot of preaching out to them.) Since I was in the Colorado Springs neighborhood, I decided to stop in at the New Life Church on Sunday and listen to Pastor Ted, whom I'd long admired, deliver his sermon.
Their was a joyful buzz in the church as all of the Godly flock awaited the arrival of their shepherd. I sat anxiously in my seat, nervous and excited all at once. Would I like him? He seemed wonderful on TV, but what about in person? Suddenly, the music began and Pastor Ted bounded up on the stage! He was dynamic, charismatic, and radiant with Godliness, and immediately he began to preach. Initially it was mostly small talk; awkward segues and frequent pauses. But I could feel his confidence growing, and I relaxed, closed my eyes, and let his words wash over me. At first his preaching was gentle. The words were like hands, softly rubbing my shoulders and caressing my back. They embraced me, strong but tender. Then, suddenly, Pastor Ted got very firm, and I became excited! I lost all sense of what was happening then, and sank into the moment of his preaching. Soon Pastor Ted was on fire, his words striking me like a leather riding crop. He thrust the message into me again and again, and hot tears of shame flowed down my cheeks like rivers. I was overcome by guilt and revulsion at my sinfulness, but there was a note of pleasure as well. It was all so complex!
Finally, Pastor Ted's sermon reached a great climax, and I felt a shudder go through my body. And then, in the blink of an eye, it was over. Pastor Ted walked off the stage looking sleepy and spent. I wiped the tears away and smiled, waiting for him to come back out. I waited and waited until long after everyone had gone, but he never came back. Disappointed, even slightly hurt that I hadn't had a chance to see him again, I headed for my car. It may have been fleeting, but it was the best sermon I ever had.
Now we're supposed to believe that this man of God is gay? Fellow Stormtroopers, Pastor Ted has made it unequivocally clear that he is completely, 100% heterosexual. As if there was any doubt! People, we have to be cautious that we do not step into the mine field that is "stereotypes". Does singing showtunes make a man gay? No. Does being a hairdresser make a man gay? Of course not. Does seeking out a male masseuse/prostitute and sodomizing him semi-regularly for 3 years while wearing assless chaps and taking crystal meth make a man gay? Not at all! Brothers and sisters, gayness is a sin that is committed in one's heart. I can guarantee you that the entire time that Pastor Ted was engaging in homosexual activities with that male whore, he was thinking about committing adultery with beautiful, large-breasted women. His heart and mind were ever and always in their natural, hetero, completely non-gay states. Look, I've bought soy chicken nuggets a few times when they were on sale. That does not make me a vegetarian!
Pastor Ted's confirmation of non-gayness is a triumph. But there is an unfortunate side to the story as well: the New Life Church has decided that Pastor Ted would be better off pursuing a "secular" career. Why not just stab him through the heart, you jackals? How can you "forgive him" but not take him back? Ask yourselves, What would Jesus do? I'll tell you what he'd do: He'd forgive Pastor Ted and welcome him back with a righteous, lingering man-hug. Should we do any less?
Good luck, Pastor Ted. You left your mark on me long ago and it's never washed off. I can only pray that the Lord continues to use you to touch people in your special way. God bless.
Passionate Apathy
God's Stormtrooper
Shoukai
God's Stormtrooper
Well, that and fantasizing about crushing the windpipes of heathens just using the Force. God grant me the power!
Shoukai
Ah, the perfect measurement.
God's Stormtrooper
And don't give me that "I'm not Chinese, I'm Japanese" stuff. It won't matter soon, when you're "Eternally Choking on the Sulfurous Fumes of Hell"-ese.
Shoukai
Wait. Do you hear that? It is your magician, begging for Sho's forgiveness! Hahahahaha!