This Just In: GOOVIES News
May 9th 2008 17:59
News You'll Hopefully Never Need
Welcome to GOOVIES News. Bringing you the most important headlines you'll never need. In today's news . . .
BEEKER'S BLACK LOVE CHILD FOUND IN WAL-MART PARKING LOT BRAWL
Police in Georgia responded to a 911 call from a frantic clown being chased through a Wal-Mart parking lot. A group of local teens attacked the clown with water balloons and hurtful expletives. Using a hidden camera lodged in his rubber nose, he managed to snap this photo of his assailants. When police arrived on the scene, they promptly beat the clown with billy clubs (perfectly legal in most states, because clowns are evil and freaky). After high-fiving the teens, the first responder on scene discovered this Polaroid photo developing beside the clown's corpse. Authorities are still trying to figure out how the camera captured audio in a text bubble.
Beeker's Love Child Found
When approached for comment, Beeker only had this to say:
Like Father Like Son
CHILDREN'S BOOKS GETTING UNCOMFORTABLY EDGY
These Kids are Dead. Seriously.
Literacy in America is dropping faster than Paris Hilton's underwear. In order to combat this descent into the stone age, bold new publishers are tossing more culturally appealing titles onto the juvenile fiction shelves. "Kids today just want more badass stories! Curious George can eat this. A new day's coming," said Tom Thumb, CEO of Piss Publishing.
Some parents are concerned, though. "These titles will corrupt our youth and turn America into a morass of pagan heathenism and cause orgies of literary filth pandering!" complained Martha McDougal of Ultra Concerned Jobless Moms, a children's welfare group. In response, a young teen walking by at the time of the interview bitchslapped Mrs. McDougal and called her a "noob."
Forthcoming titles certain to upset parenting groups all over the earth include . . .
Pot Smoking Paulie the Shemale Pirate by Jiggy Jenkins
Eat Your Veggies or Mommy Will Kill You by Sally Sackattack
No One Loves Ugly People by Harry Henderson
Canadians Are Our Slaves; They Just Don't Know It by Barbara Americo
Iraqi Children Just Don't Count by Dick Cheney
CROCODILE HUNTER: STEVE IRWIN'S REPLACEMENT STILL HARD TO FIND
Screen Testing Trials Not Going So Well
Since the untimely death of demigod conservationalist Steve Irwin, networks have been holding try-outs to find the next Crocodile Hunter-type phenom. Reports from inside the collective endeavor say things are not going so well.
When asked to comment, GOD had this to say: "Of couse it's not going well. Douchebags. Irwin was a better person than 90.8% of the rest of the human race. And that reminds me--how the hell did you monkeys escape the Flood?"
JESUS CHRIST RETURNS! SAVIOR SIKES US ALL OUT AGAIN!
Jesus, You Rascal You!
Jesus Christ returned yesterday in a blinding flash of yellow light and a shower of glittering jellybeans. As crowds fell to their knees, rejoiced, hid adult literature, and erased their browsing histories, Jesus swooped out of the sky atop the talking dragon from The Never Ending Story. It appears he only returned to gather his earth-bound friends for a keg party: literary and film legends, including Harry Potter, the Powerpuff Girls, and Johnny Depp.
"Sike! Not this time, Earth-Noobs!" the sassy savior yelled.
Thousands begged the religious rock star to stay. Jesus was reported to have replied, "Sorry. Gotta bounce."
"This is the third time he's done this. We're getting pretty annoyed," Cardinal Gregory O'connory said in a telephoned comment to GOOVIES. "It's really pissing the Holy Father off."
MICHAEL JACKSON TRAVELS BACK IN TIME
Smooth Criminal & Rockin' Robin
In an attempt to apologize to the public for scarring the minds of countless children at Neverland Ranch, Michael Jackson has announced that he is traveling back in time to spend inappopriate sleepovers with himself. "Actions speak louder than words. Hee hee! Hooooooooooooooo!" said Mr. Jackson before stepping into a 6ft candy cane and mysteriously disappearing. We'll let you know what happens as the story progresses.
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER WAY TO X-RAY INTANGIBLE IDEAS
Scientists X-Ray Marriage
Noted scientist Doogie Condo discovered an astounding technique that taps into a dimension of intangible ideas and allows scientists to x-ray them. "This allows human beings a visual clue to what the universe thinks of our intangibles," said Condo.
Condo would not release other x-rays, but insiders say the project has already x-rayed the ideas gullible, liar, silly, disgrace, and armageddon. Curiously, various see-through photos of the Bush Administration appeared.
PRESIDENT BUSH ON TOUR TO STIMULATE DROOPY POLLS
In an effort to combat the incredible negative response human beings of every nationality, religion, and mental capacity exhibit at the mere mention of President Bush's name, the administration has pushed Mr. Bush to tour the country and reconnect with everyday Americans. GOOVIES has obtained exclusive images from the President's Popularity Parade.
Bush Discussing Death Toll in Iraq
Bush Visits a Hospital for Children with Cancer
Bush Totally Comfortable Among African Americans
Bush Meets with Iraq War Advisors
Bush Guest Stars on Popular Children's Show Barney
DICK CHENEY JUST AS BUSY
In related news, Dick Cheney met with a popular Christian conservative "Think Tank" to discuss the future of America.
Cheney Meets with Execs from Haliburton, Enron, CNN, and other American Rich Bastards
Cheney lost no time in meeting with that guy from Stargate to propose mass production of the awe-inspiring universal transports.
Cheney to Replace Ra as God of Off-world Humanity
NEW COLOMBIAN CRAYONS HAVING STRANGE EFFECTS ON KINDERGARTENERS
GOOVIES is following a developing story about Colombian crayons being shipped to American schools ostensibly as a goodwill gesture. Some educators believe the dust wafting from the new coloring tools is affecting students' behavior. "The colors are bright and beautiful," said kindergarten teacher Debra D. Doolittle, "but that dust just seems to perk the children up in unusual ways."
Dig That Crazy Crayon Dust
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