Stop It
November 6th 2011 05:40
In my last blog, I promised that I'd offend someone in the next blog... which would be this blog. The question is who? I'm an equal opportunity offender, so I can't just pick one person or group to offend. It's gonna have to be a shotgun deal. So here are some folks who need some offending.
To the guy(s) at the gym whose nuts are never dry enough: Stop it. They're dry. Put them away. Stop with the two-fisted power-floss, and get yer goddam foot off the bench. And no, no one believes that you played 'college ball'. Mostly because you never say what kind of 'ball' you played. From the looks of it, you spent your collegiate career merely playing WITH balls. Enuff-z-nuff. Stoppit.
To the girl in the restaurant who thinks that placing your order is some kind of negotiation: Stop it. Stop modifying every item you order into a one-off that takes twice as long to prepare. I've seen what you do with that dressing on the side - you effing pour it all over your salad the second it's placed at the table. There's no reason on Earth to order a Ranch Chicken Quesadilla and ask them to hold the ranch. Yanno why? Cuz that's just a chicken quesadilla, and THAT'S on the menu as well. No ice in your soda? Whadd're you, Amish? Water with lemon, but put the lemon on a little saucer - WTF? Chicken parmegian with no sauce or cheese? That's just a piece of chicken! Order that. I know where most of this comes from - you're watching calories (or would like folks to think that you are). The thing is that you are making distinctions that have nothing to do with caloric impact. "The salmon... is that frozen, or is it fresh?" You're 2,000 miles from Alaska - of COURSE it's frozen! Or was. Trust me - they'll cook it. The ultimate is when you ask what kind of lettuce is in the salad. Sweetheart, I can see how you're dressed, you're wearing a 'Juicy C'outure' baseball cap, and I HEARD you say 'Horz dervz' when reading the appetizer menu; there is no way in hell you're gonna taste the difference between Bibb and Romaine lettuce. Especially after you douse it with the 3 extra cups of dressing you ordered on the side. Drop the pretense. Order off the menu. I promise, it'll result in less spit in your food.
To the Occupy Wall Street passive supporters: Stop it. If you want to learn the real detail of what is going on and formulate your own opinion and get energized about that and go demonstrate for your beliefs, then you're an awesome person and I will give you a ride. But if you're one of the millions of uninformed, intellectually lazy knobs who are trying to act like they're part of the movement by simply posting some trite aphorism on your FaceBook page or repeating some worn-out, untrue factoid about how evil 'they' are - then you need a kick in the head. And probably a job. And a better vocabulary. Cuz seriously, "berjy-wah" is not a word, and even if it was the word you're trying to use, it doesn't mean "people who are always, like, doing things to like, mess with people". That would be whoever is in charge of the McRib.
To people who live somewhere for 6 months and come back with an accent: Stop it. Living in the UK for a semester should not result in you saying 'brilliant' every third word or referring to potato chips as 'crisps'. Especially 15 years later. Similarly, someone who lived in Germany for a short period is not necessarily an authority on beer.
To snide bloggers who hide behind the anonymity of an email address and internet handle: Stop it. You're a douc... wait.
Time to go before I say something that hurts my feelings.
To the guy(s) at the gym whose nuts are never dry enough: Stop it. They're dry. Put them away. Stop with the two-fisted power-floss, and get yer goddam foot off the bench. And no, no one believes that you played 'college ball'. Mostly because you never say what kind of 'ball' you played. From the looks of it, you spent your collegiate career merely playing WITH balls. Enuff-z-nuff. Stoppit.
To the girl in the restaurant who thinks that placing your order is some kind of negotiation: Stop it. Stop modifying every item you order into a one-off that takes twice as long to prepare. I've seen what you do with that dressing on the side - you effing pour it all over your salad the second it's placed at the table. There's no reason on Earth to order a Ranch Chicken Quesadilla and ask them to hold the ranch. Yanno why? Cuz that's just a chicken quesadilla, and THAT'S on the menu as well. No ice in your soda? Whadd're you, Amish? Water with lemon, but put the lemon on a little saucer - WTF? Chicken parmegian with no sauce or cheese? That's just a piece of chicken! Order that. I know where most of this comes from - you're watching calories (or would like folks to think that you are). The thing is that you are making distinctions that have nothing to do with caloric impact. "The salmon... is that frozen, or is it fresh?" You're 2,000 miles from Alaska - of COURSE it's frozen! Or was. Trust me - they'll cook it. The ultimate is when you ask what kind of lettuce is in the salad. Sweetheart, I can see how you're dressed, you're wearing a 'Juicy C'outure' baseball cap, and I HEARD you say 'Horz dervz' when reading the appetizer menu; there is no way in hell you're gonna taste the difference between Bibb and Romaine lettuce. Especially after you douse it with the 3 extra cups of dressing you ordered on the side. Drop the pretense. Order off the menu. I promise, it'll result in less spit in your food.
To the Occupy Wall Street passive supporters: Stop it. If you want to learn the real detail of what is going on and formulate your own opinion and get energized about that and go demonstrate for your beliefs, then you're an awesome person and I will give you a ride. But if you're one of the millions of uninformed, intellectually lazy knobs who are trying to act like they're part of the movement by simply posting some trite aphorism on your FaceBook page or repeating some worn-out, untrue factoid about how evil 'they' are - then you need a kick in the head. And probably a job. And a better vocabulary. Cuz seriously, "berjy-wah" is not a word, and even if it was the word you're trying to use, it doesn't mean "people who are always, like, doing things to like, mess with people". That would be whoever is in charge of the McRib.
To people who live somewhere for 6 months and come back with an accent: Stop it. Living in the UK for a semester should not result in you saying 'brilliant' every third word or referring to potato chips as 'crisps'. Especially 15 years later. Similarly, someone who lived in Germany for a short period is not necessarily an authority on beer.
To snide bloggers who hide behind the anonymity of an email address and internet handle: Stop it. You're a douc... wait.
Time to go before I say something that hurts my feelings.
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