Things I Would Hit and or Kill with My Hummer: A Journey
October 14th 2007 01:43
The Hummer vehicle is the most manly and road dominating automobile on the road these days. That's a fact and anyone who claims otherwise has never been locked and loaded behind fifty tons of sheer destructive luxury. Not only does the Hummer set a benchmark in the areas of Luxury, Comfort and Power but it consumes it's own weight in fuel each day, which helps us get to a more Eco-Friendly future by single-handedly depleting our oil reserves. The Hummer is a winner no matter how you look at it.
However I'd be lying if I said that the amazing features of this steel and plastic leviathan stopped there. The Hummer by design is built to destroy and pillage towns and cities. That's what Leonardo DaVinci originally intended it for when he bred it. In the Hummer's original plans he called it "The Doom-Bringer" which was later translated into "Hummer" using Webster's Dictionary.
Having said that I'd like to explore some things I'd like to use my Hummer on someday. Granted this is a wish-list and not a hit-list. Under no circumstances would I break the laws of our great nation or violate the Kyoto Protocol which forbids the unleashing of Hummer power.
Firstly, this is my Hummer:
As you can see in the above image my Hummer is equipped with all the accessories offered. It has Titanium Spikes mounted to it's bumper and hood for crowd control and reinforced with black lines for extra puncture-power. Nextly I have some kind of rifle attached to the forward-roof section to provide rotational mayhem which is a must in Urban Sprawl. On the Center Hood is a Flamethrower of some kind. I don't know if you've ever pillaged a country-village but a Flamethrower is vital to that kind of casual outing. Obviously Ninja Kirby has been mounted to the rear of the car for Public Relations reasons and also to Sword rear traffic.
Naturally at this point I know what you're thinking: "Is that Vin Diesel in the corner of the image?! Oh My Gosh!!" and the answer to that question is yes. Vin Diesel actually drives my Hummer for me because otherwise I wouldn't have time to bring you these featured articles as often as I do.
Now that you've met my Hummer: "Loretta" as I like to call her. Lets begin our adventure!
The first thing I'd like to hit with my Hummer would be The View. That show where a bunch of random women discuss topics that aren't interesting to anyone, anywhere for a given duration of time. This violates more than one law in my book including: Putting Rosie O'Donnell within 50 feet of a Television Camera. Fifty tons of enraged Hummer crashing through their set with a dragon riding a skeletal horse on top will certainly silence any discussion on this Network Time-Sink.
The next thing that I'd impact my Ogre-Size Vehicle into would be Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I'm all about Education and nothing could be more important than our children improving their aptitude for magic. However the last thing we need is an institution where children learn to speak with British Accents. As if we don't have enough trouble learning English on our own, the last thing we need is some odd-ball institution run by people who look like my Grandparents talking all widdly-niddly and shooting off fire-works. It's like the old-folks home on Fourth of July. Hogwarts is taking a big H1 in the face.
At this point it's time to refuel the big H-Machine so I guess I'll take a break and find myself a Pop-Tart sandwich or something (yes they exist). Until next time. Keep your Doom-Bringer finely tuned.
However I'd be lying if I said that the amazing features of this steel and plastic leviathan stopped there. The Hummer by design is built to destroy and pillage towns and cities. That's what Leonardo DaVinci originally intended it for when he bred it. In the Hummer's original plans he called it "The Doom-Bringer" which was later translated into "Hummer" using Webster's Dictionary.
Having said that I'd like to explore some things I'd like to use my Hummer on someday. Granted this is a wish-list and not a hit-list. Under no circumstances would I break the laws of our great nation or violate the Kyoto Protocol which forbids the unleashing of Hummer power.
Firstly, this is my Hummer:
As you can see in the above image my Hummer is equipped with all the accessories offered. It has Titanium Spikes mounted to it's bumper and hood for crowd control and reinforced with black lines for extra puncture-power. Nextly I have some kind of rifle attached to the forward-roof section to provide rotational mayhem which is a must in Urban Sprawl. On the Center Hood is a Flamethrower of some kind. I don't know if you've ever pillaged a country-village but a Flamethrower is vital to that kind of casual outing. Obviously Ninja Kirby has been mounted to the rear of the car for Public Relations reasons and also to Sword rear traffic.
Naturally at this point I know what you're thinking: "Is that Vin Diesel in the corner of the image?! Oh My Gosh!!" and the answer to that question is yes. Vin Diesel actually drives my Hummer for me because otherwise I wouldn't have time to bring you these featured articles as often as I do.
Now that you've met my Hummer: "Loretta" as I like to call her. Lets begin our adventure!
The first thing I'd like to hit with my Hummer would be The View. That show where a bunch of random women discuss topics that aren't interesting to anyone, anywhere for a given duration of time. This violates more than one law in my book including: Putting Rosie O'Donnell within 50 feet of a Television Camera. Fifty tons of enraged Hummer crashing through their set with a dragon riding a skeletal horse on top will certainly silence any discussion on this Network Time-Sink.
The next thing that I'd impact my Ogre-Size Vehicle into would be Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I'm all about Education and nothing could be more important than our children improving their aptitude for magic. However the last thing we need is an institution where children learn to speak with British Accents. As if we don't have enough trouble learning English on our own, the last thing we need is some odd-ball institution run by people who look like my Grandparents talking all widdly-niddly and shooting off fire-works. It's like the old-folks home on Fourth of July. Hogwarts is taking a big H1 in the face.
At this point it's time to refuel the big H-Machine so I guess I'll take a break and find myself a Pop-Tart sandwich or something (yes they exist). Until next time. Keep your Doom-Bringer finely tuned.
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Comment by Michaelie
Flick Wit
That's one humdinger of a Hummer.
Very clever post - love your humour!
Michaelie
Comment by Ahmed
techy.Bytes
Video Gamer Kids
Little Green Foosballs
PolyKicks
Qwerk
Cinema Three
Though I hope you're not taking out a second job because the first doesn't pay so well
Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
fog