Things a First-Time Mum should know
January 20th 2009 09:26
I’ve been a control freak for as long as I can remember. I thrive on everyday to do lists which can include something as mundane as ‘eat fruit’ or ‘pluck eyebrows’. I didn’t realise I was a stickler for time and expected everyone else to be the same until my sister called up last Christmas Eve tearfully apologetic because she was going to be ten minutes late, prompting me to ask the rest of my family, “Am I really that bad?” and the answer was a resounding, “YES!”. I hate picnics in the park because I’m scared of accidentally sitting on poo and, as someone with sleeping problems, I cherish my 8 hour sleeps whenever I can get them. So when I became pregnant, everyone from my mum to the guy who mows the lawn (whose ‘midday’ could be anytime between 10am to 2pm) wondered how someone like me could cope with having a baby – especially as a pregnant woman, I almost took a two-by-four to hit someone’s headlights with. And the answer would be : like a deflated ball being rammed repeatedly against a brick wall by a pissing, pooing bowling ball with flailing arms and legs and a cry that would make you want to cut your ears off.
I don’t have many friends who are mothers and those who are had nothing to say to me but what a blessing children truly are, these little angels who grow up so quickly that you’ll miss those early years of cuddling them close and kissing them all over their rosy, chubby cheeks. Whether their babies really were little angels who barely cried and fussed and resembled nothing more than plastic dolls, or they were afraid I’d go into labour, protesting, “No, you don’t understand. I want it back IN!”, I wish someone had sat me down and told me the following facts :
1. Say goodbye to a good night’s sleep. Actually, it doesn’t even have to be good. Say goodbye to sleep in general because babies have an uncanny ability to know when your head hits the pillow. And when they do allow you those rare times you can actually dream, you’ll be dreaming about a hundred babushka babies chasing you around the room.
2. If you have a boy, always keep your lips pursed shut. And eyes, for that matter. Especially if you’re bending over to retrieve something from the lower shelf of the change table.
3. Be prepared to get a sore wrist, arm and back from patting, rocking and cradling for at least half an hour every hour. And a sore throat from shushing and singing. Which reminds me, it’s probably good to have a list of songs on hand as, with lack of sleep and sanity, you’ll find yourself not remembering any of your favourite songs and you’re singing a hymn like ‘Holy Mary/Full of Grace/The Lord is with you…’
4. It may be hard but pay attention to your surroundings even though you’re sleep deprived and, thus, lacking concentration, because when the phone rings, you may find yourself reaching for that hot iron which your husband stupidly left on the counter. It may also be a good idea to bring a pillow around with you, when you have the urge to hit anything – like your husband.
5. Try not to hyperventilate everytime that bloody orange light goes on that bloody baby monitor and you hear the start of a bloody whimper. And that pretty soon, every sound, from the dog barking to the ice cream truck, will sound like your baby crying.
6. Bibs and burp cloths are no match for the runny poos that leak over the sides of the nappies. When your baby starts smiling for no reason at all, don’t wait for the long string of farts before grabbing a towel to put over yourself. If you can, grab a top-to-toe raincoat. And if you find yourself forgetting to do this, say goodbye to your favourite outfits and hello to old shirts and trackies. This also deters your partner from trying to have another baby with you. Those and no time for a shower – or a shave.
7. Mothers don’t necessarily know best. When they insist the only reason babies cry is because they’re sick, that they should be forced to stay awake all day so they can sleep through the night, that each feed should consist of a 1 litre bottle of milk and only every 6 hours, when they tell everyone that your baby will grow up a recluse because you won’t allow anyone to see him (she doesn’t believe you just don’t want to disturb their sleep), and when they ring you to complain of their lack of sleep the night before because they were worried what would happen to the baby when you go back to work in 6 months’ time, then you know for sure you were raised by nannies.
8. Print out a good photo of your baby and stick it on your front door with the message, “Now that you’ve seen the baby, please leave some food on the doorstep”. Send cards out to those who want to see your baby in the early weeks, saying, “Company not required. Food desperately needed. And toilet paper.”
9. If someone is already irritating to you even before you were pregnant, keep them out of the house. With your baby blues, lack of sleep and lack of food, you’ll be surprised at how quickly you can sum up the energy to do bodily harm.
10. Babies’ wee has the supernatural ability to defy gravity and all nappy leakage protection because it will somehow end up as a wet blob in the middle of your baby’s back.
I don’t have many friends who are mothers and those who are had nothing to say to me but what a blessing children truly are, these little angels who grow up so quickly that you’ll miss those early years of cuddling them close and kissing them all over their rosy, chubby cheeks. Whether their babies really were little angels who barely cried and fussed and resembled nothing more than plastic dolls, or they were afraid I’d go into labour, protesting, “No, you don’t understand. I want it back IN!”, I wish someone had sat me down and told me the following facts :
1. Say goodbye to a good night’s sleep. Actually, it doesn’t even have to be good. Say goodbye to sleep in general because babies have an uncanny ability to know when your head hits the pillow. And when they do allow you those rare times you can actually dream, you’ll be dreaming about a hundred babushka babies chasing you around the room.
2. If you have a boy, always keep your lips pursed shut. And eyes, for that matter. Especially if you’re bending over to retrieve something from the lower shelf of the change table.
3. Be prepared to get a sore wrist, arm and back from patting, rocking and cradling for at least half an hour every hour. And a sore throat from shushing and singing. Which reminds me, it’s probably good to have a list of songs on hand as, with lack of sleep and sanity, you’ll find yourself not remembering any of your favourite songs and you’re singing a hymn like ‘Holy Mary/Full of Grace/The Lord is with you…’
4. It may be hard but pay attention to your surroundings even though you’re sleep deprived and, thus, lacking concentration, because when the phone rings, you may find yourself reaching for that hot iron which your husband stupidly left on the counter. It may also be a good idea to bring a pillow around with you, when you have the urge to hit anything – like your husband.
5. Try not to hyperventilate everytime that bloody orange light goes on that bloody baby monitor and you hear the start of a bloody whimper. And that pretty soon, every sound, from the dog barking to the ice cream truck, will sound like your baby crying.
6. Bibs and burp cloths are no match for the runny poos that leak over the sides of the nappies. When your baby starts smiling for no reason at all, don’t wait for the long string of farts before grabbing a towel to put over yourself. If you can, grab a top-to-toe raincoat. And if you find yourself forgetting to do this, say goodbye to your favourite outfits and hello to old shirts and trackies. This also deters your partner from trying to have another baby with you. Those and no time for a shower – or a shave.
7. Mothers don’t necessarily know best. When they insist the only reason babies cry is because they’re sick, that they should be forced to stay awake all day so they can sleep through the night, that each feed should consist of a 1 litre bottle of milk and only every 6 hours, when they tell everyone that your baby will grow up a recluse because you won’t allow anyone to see him (she doesn’t believe you just don’t want to disturb their sleep), and when they ring you to complain of their lack of sleep the night before because they were worried what would happen to the baby when you go back to work in 6 months’ time, then you know for sure you were raised by nannies.
8. Print out a good photo of your baby and stick it on your front door with the message, “Now that you’ve seen the baby, please leave some food on the doorstep”. Send cards out to those who want to see your baby in the early weeks, saying, “Company not required. Food desperately needed. And toilet paper.”
9. If someone is already irritating to you even before you were pregnant, keep them out of the house. With your baby blues, lack of sleep and lack of food, you’ll be surprised at how quickly you can sum up the energy to do bodily harm.
10. Babies’ wee has the supernatural ability to defy gravity and all nappy leakage protection because it will somehow end up as a wet blob in the middle of your baby’s back.
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Comment by Sara Dobson
My Turn
Congratulations and welcome to motherhod. My only advice for these early days is make your self a cup of tea and put your feet up with a magazine and Tim Tams (if you are breast feeding you can scoff what you like and still lose weight). If you baby cries do not get up until you have finished your cuppa. Enjoy it
Comment by Aimzster
Health and Beauty
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Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Tracy
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
I love the photo on the door. That's brilliant.
You sound like you've got it all sussed. You've still got humour about you so it seems like motherhood hasn't defeated you.
Love & stuff
Mrs M