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September 15th 2009 04:07
Interestingly I need to make a post here before my site gets put on the inactive list. It's amazing how healing this process is... and I wonder if I need to continue here or not. Do I make a commitment to sharing and shedding at the same time?? Do I let it go?
I feel a more focused approach to this site would be helpful... stick with me for a few weeks and I'll be back.
I feel there's a lot more to say in terms of guilt, mistakes and taking people at face value (if they treat you badly believe them) but forgive too. Remember that not everyone who comes into our lives is meant to stay they are all here to just help you define yourself, your boundaries and who you want to be in life...
xx
There’s a way of living that so few people seem to focus on and that’s because it’s really hard to sustain – without some concerted effort. The reason I’m speaking about this today is that it’s hard to stay on top of life (especially those parts you don’t really care about but need to do – like work) without getting some focus and intending to survive through it all…I want to give it all up today and go live in a cave… I can see this isn’t really going to work for me but I also think it sounds fantastic!
The reason is that I hate my job – it’s dull, soul-destroying and pointless (to me). All I want to do is live out my dream job (which is underway but not happening fast enough for the ego part that wants to rush). So I sit at work and stare at my computer screen wondering when the drive to achieve anything through this job will happen/occur. I’m waiting…
I’m waiting and waiting and wondering if, actually, it’s just not going to happen because my soul doesn’t really want me to be here. You see I’m living out the desires of others – to be sensible, appropriate and do the right thing (whatever that may be for them)… It’s not working, I’m incredibly unhappy here and trying to deny it most of the time because I don’t see any other options. Today though I seem to need to shed it and get out of here. Hand in my resignation… then I wont have an income… what do I do?
Well it seems there’s two choice. Firstly I quit, go somewhere else and have the same problems. Secondly, I get to the core of just why I’m stuck in this job I hate and then evolve myself out of it and into my own business. I like the second one because although it means I’m here for a while longer, it also means that I wont do it again… meanwhile my mind is frozen, in the depths of despair and I can’t really see a way out – gotta start digging somewhere, so here it is:
I hate myself - I hate my job, I hate my friends, I hate my parents, I hate my life and I hate God. I was wondering on the bus this morning whether God is the entire problem here. You see my parents took the role of God whilst I was growing up – ensuring that I was moulded into the appropriate type of person that would be accepted by God and therefore left alone to work through life – not one of those people that God hates and brings damnation and despair to.
But, you see I failed. My parents don’t appreciate me at all. I’m not what they wanted to see for their child – I wear crazy clothes and have crazy hair – WHO WOULD DO THAT!!! Unfortunately they see my-self, my individual self who doesn’t really listen to their norms as really, really bad – so they’ve cast me into that pool of people who just wont get anywhere in life – so I’m not…
I can see that there’s a lot of control being placed in their hands here, by me. But I suspect that if one gets to their teenage years, begins to strike independence with fervor and in a way that denigrates themselves (according to their parents) then they aren’t going to get the nurturing, respect and help that one needs from the world in order to feel good about themselves. I also suspect that if one feels good about themselves, one also succeeds at what they put their hand to!!
I haven’t succeeded in anything that I’ve put my hand to in this life – except achieving what they want for me – a sensible job… Here is me sitting in this sensible job, earning a decent amount of money just as she kept telling me I should (‘What else could you do except be a secretary??’ she asked, so here I am being sensible.)
Obviously this job isn’t high ranking in my need to succeed list as I’m sitting here typing my blog rather than working – at least the job is giving me the opportunity to get paid to ponder 
Anyway, how does one detach and create their own support, nurture, peace-within when they haven’t experienced before? Or, haven’t experienced without walking the line.
I feel a massive amount of rage towards my parents (and perhaps unjustly - mainly my mother). How could they do this to their own daughter? She cannot accept who I am – for myself. They need me to be someone else – someone acceptable to God… whatever that might be. I don’t think that she knows what she really wants me to be – just not me perhaps.
I can see a much bigger gripe with the ridiculousness of the Catholic Church and their need to control people – God will not love you unless you do as We say! We spoke to God once and we know just what He said you should do with your own life!
This is the line of approach my parents have taken to me (and I can see many other parents of their generation, and before take to their children). My answer:
F*&$ Off! What’s the point of being on this earth if we can’t create our own peace and satiety through what speaks to us???????? What’s this need to control???? Would the Catholic church lose it’s massive capital if people were no longer to attend their churches?? – I suspect so.
Perhaps this isn’t a rational approach, but it’s a start to achieving my end means of creating my own space rather than having my parent’s expectations stuck all over my life.
But, how do we undo the damage that’s been done? I think we have to get ahead of it so we can view it from afar – challenge it, work around it, and let it be without manipulating it any further that it has been already by our egos… easier said that done, but I think that’s what I mean about focus in the first paragraph. There’s a way of living that requires great focus in order to overcome the ego’s need to hang on to limitation and fear and rage that we (I) have been so suppressed that I can no longer accept my own will to live as I choose to live.
I see that there’s many people out there doing this – so incredibly unhappy with their lives but unable to move ahead in any way.
I can see that people want more from life and they need more from life because they are so desperately unhappy.
So, where does it come from? Focus. On what? Ourselves and our hearts - so much that we actually uncover what it is that we want to achieve rather than what others tell us to want. This takes time though and it takes time to unravel what it is that we’ve put up with in the past, what brought us to this point of despair. Overcoming it through exploration rather than self-berating because we aren’t good enough. Which is just what I feel now – because I’m not good enough to achieve what I want I have to stay in this desperate place called one of Australia’s leading educational institutions… all I feel here is desperation from every angle. Desperation of those at the top to hang onto power, desperation of the workers to gain some consolation for their misgivings about their own power through achieving the faux-power they are given. Desperations from students to gain their teachers respect and earn the right to make a good living… it’s an incredibly sad place to work and so many people are stuck here for 10 or 20 years of their working life, becoming more angry at their disempowerment as time goes by but so unable to see that the meager offerings they receive from up above (management – perhaps seen as God as they hand down their offerings of fair maternity leave, flexible working arrangements etc) as tokens of nothingness as power is stripped from them through each daily action they take. This place offers nothing to anyone in that it only wants to maintain a sense of egotistical appreciation as being at the top of its game. They offer their staff nothing in the way of satisfaction, or achievement because they are only concerned about grinding everyone into the ground to maintain wealth and the number one spot. Concern for the student is severely lacking as they only want to ensure that power games remain – power at the top not evenly distributed. I find it unfathomable that anyone cares so little… But here is the world we live in.
So, I sit here. Angry at them and angry at me.
I can see just how much damage the thinking on God has done. It’s cornered everyone into thinking they have no power for themselves – so they claw. Just as I am as I throw my anger around. I’m clawing for some sense of control back over my life.
I can see that my lack of control has made me enraged about life – disempowered in that I can’t act through my rage and remain stuck here. Oh, to untangle myself!!
I can see though that I’m taking control by simply seeing things as they are – my anger, my rage, my wants are all valid concerns for the safety of my life as an individual being here on this earth. I am incredibly concerned by the lack of movement there is in mind in being able to accept of me for me. It’s scary. No wonder so few people want to go into their dark spots and unravel them… so we come back to focus again…
Focus is a difficult thing through all this rage but it’s building, bit by bit. The underlying mind, the one driven by the soul, rather than the ego, has much more control over itself that we might know and it’s always there ready to pull us back into the safety of our own sensibility and help us achieve what we want from life. So, to concern oneself with oneself is perhaps the focus we need.
Letting go of fear and anxiety is a step by step process and it’s taking longer than I would have liked but I can also see that perhaps by going through this process a little more slowly I have the opportunity to actually unravel it rather than rush out and then create the same problems again in a few months or even a few years time when the ugliness of self-doubt rears it’s head again…
A few small things to share:
- the goodness in life is within: it's not what has, might or 'should' happen to you
- the life we know is not real: it's all an illusion made up by other people to contain you rather than enlighten you.
- the real life you are after... well, that's in the soul.
- the soul is real, the illusion (the 'reality' we think we are living) is a lie. If it weren't a lie we wouldn't struggle so hard against it.
The Soul is a way of knowing ourselves and as I write all this I am beginning to see the greater role of the soul. I do wonder why I seem to need to share all this stuff that I'm unravelling in the public eye, so to speak. And I'm beginning to see just how cathartic it is...
It's a way of actually saying to world that regardless of all the shit that's happened to me, I'm ok with it. It really doesn't matter in the whole scheme of things because my life will continue and as long as I'm wanting to make it better, and taking action to make it better, then all will be well... no one can say what should or shouldn't happen in life, or what will/wont happen in life. It's all a matter of learning to go with the flow. Something that our schools, religions and sometimes our parents just don't teach us. They thinks that calculus, hell and being a 'good' person is all that matters... I can tell you that it's not! What does matter is that I see the light in my life - sounds naff - but I mean as long as I know who I am at my core I can make healing happen and I can make new things appear in life that weren't there before: happiness, fulfillment, joy for example!
Anyway, just thought I'd share.
After last night's post I have realised a few more things... it's amazing how this process of writing and sharing can help to release the knowledge that had been built up under the system and not yet been seen.
Many of the issues I'm facing right now stem directly from that inner-child part of me that never had the chance to be fulfilled. The emotional destructiveness of my situation has meant that I haven't been able to fully grasp knowledge and information to share with myself. As such, my inner-child tends to block projects that I, as an adult, recognise that I can gain fulfillment from. I have spent a good part of the last 10 or 12 years trying to figure out just what I want to do with my life. I'm now in the process of setting up my own business but am completely unable to let myself just go with the flow of it. I have to keep jamming it up so that I am not making any money and therefore cannot let go of the admin job that is faux-security to that child part of me.. it has my parents approval after all. This work is something that my parents thought I should aspire to. It's mind-numbingly boring and soul destroying (why can't they see this?). I can't seem to let go of the fact that I will disappoint them if I step out on my own and go through with my business... I know they wont approve of the core of my business and they have real problems with the hardwork of being self-employed even though they are
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I think, further to what I said in my last post, that it's more than losing your voice... it's about losing your state of being - losing your place in the world. It's such a strange thing to go through - it's sex and it's power - but the effects of these two things together are much greater than the sum of their parts.
I don't actually understand it, not fully anyway. I think it's a space of being so far outside yourself that you can't quite get back in. Like this person has pushed you - your essence - out of your body - so they can get what they want. They don't actually care about you and aren't afraid to make that known. Their emotional needs come first and yours are not being considered. I want to make a case in this blog for the idea that rape occurs on many levels - not just physical but also psychic or energetic... because I can see links from my childhood experiences through to the actual assault... and I'm sure I'm not the only one that has been through this process
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I think one of the hardest things that happened to me, through my sexual assault, was losing my voice. Not just because I couldn’t tell this guy to back off but because I couldn’t tell anyone what happened either. It was a fairly conscious choice not to tell, made under duress.
What I mean is that I, in the aftermath, made the decision that I wouldn’t tell anyone because I didn’t feel that I could trust them not to blame me, especially my Catholic family… after all I had let this guy into my hotel room in the first place – that certainly doesn’t make me virtuous – more likely a ‘whore
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I have been reading about the woman who was allegedly sexually assaulted by a number of NRL players in the past couple of days and I think something needs to be said here: I know how she feels.
Without getting into issues of consent there's some things that can be discussed here. (I think there's a thin line that covers what consent might be and mostly it's saying 'yes' to something, regardless of whether the rules might be changed along the way. The thin line covers very few of the broader issues - that someone is too drunk to say yes - or that someone doesn't say yes but it's thought to be implied by their presence - or that someone just doesn't ask in the first place and assumes they can just have what they want regardless of the other party. Or that someone does actually want to very deeply harm the person they have in front of them
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Creating life…
Creating life is not as easy as many people would have us think – Just do it - is a catch phrase that we all know about but how do you put that into practice. We can’t just do things that we don’t have the skills for, no matter how much we want it and we can’t just pick up and walk out of a job if we don’t have any other income, we have rent to pay and food to buy. How come, then, so many are out there now saying – just do it, you can take control of your life, you can overcome anything
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Ok, I have real problems with this world. Apart from all my catholic church-aimed anger I also wonder why it is that we need to live in ways that make us unhappy.
So many people have great ideas about creating, building and sustaining their own lives but they can’t act on them – we’re told that we need to do this and that and be appropriate and not step outside the square… just in case something goes wrong – after all, we can’t all have it our own way can we. But in reality – God reality (as I see not, not in a religious kind of way) – we actually do have all the tools and skills that we need – the problem is that we can’t see them
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Comment by Theresa
on Rape and Suicide
Nitpicking
Funny though, whilst I do think I could have taken more caution and not asked this particular guy back to my room with me, I also could've just stayed in doors and not experienced life, nor the other people I have slept with - all of whom had something to teach me about myself.
I don't really know where to place all this. It's a very 'human' condition - this whole assault thing. Human being apparently have very base sexual desires, but we also have emotions and needs and the desire to be met by other people in an understanding way. Sex on the hunt, as I call it - one-night stands - are often about people just not having their needs for nurturing met. They don' t know where else to turn because they haven't been given any avenues.
So personal responsibility is a very strange thing indeed. It takes us back to ourselves, but we ourselves often have nothing to work with on an emotional, sexual and mental level. We have very few tools in this society to 'be responsible for ourselves'. Very few.
And like you say, Kleonaptra, if we are hurt then we want to hurt others too - maybe by leaving the next day, maybe by not connecting with then (and therefore ourselves) on an emotional level and maybe through assault also.
I agree with your comment that 'danger happened' too. Because danger did happen to me, because I wasn't looking out for myself. I thought I was invincible and as I said above I can see what I was doing at that time, looking for some kind of appreciation of myself and I found that through men/boys desiring me in some way. It's all screwed up that I wasn't able to feel appreciated in other ways, that I wanted to be seen as desireable only to men and that I couldn't find a way out of my need for men to like me. If someone had taught me a sense of appreciation beforehand, I could have taken much more responsibility for myself and shown myself a little more body-respect than I did.
But, you know what? I also don't regret that experience because it has allowed me, now, the chance to assess what went wrong and also to let myself know that it doesn't matter what I did wrong only that I can re-adjust what I want for myself now. Life is all about learning to teach ourselves what we need to know and if I can say something to someone now because of my experience then that will help them, and me, then so be it! It made the whole experience a little more than degrading and puts it in a more positive light - life is just this. We can't get out of it and we can't do anything other than what we know at the time. If that doesn't work out for me in the way I want it to then it just doesn't work out that way. So be it... I think! (Confusion is still rife in my mind with all this)!