Something Else, Like an UDO
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A many of you viewers have been asking me a very personal and intimate question, and I so wish to answer it, but in all reality, do not know if I can the way you wish for me to. But what I will do is offer to you some words of truth from my mind and heart, and attempt to glide through this theory with the grace of a Ballerina with quarter size bunions on her feet, break dancing to Yanni Greatest hits. Now I, as you know, am overly open about my life in the way I often write about my experiences and thoughts in the aftermath of them. But some things, I think you need to be within those moments, to really comment on them accurately. The question I often get asked, is, "How do you heal a broken heart, and where do you go, when it seems as though you have been everywhere, and find your self back, where you started when its over and done with?" Thats a hard one to take on and answer, and seeing how I am not in that place of turmoil or confusion right now in my life, I can say that I do relate to it on many levels, and dealt with each situation the same, in looking back upon them. So hold on my friends, we are about to enter into the terradome on this one, and yes, I am in the mood to go there. CJ is sleep, I am running on about two hours of sleep, Boo Boo Kitty is chillin with one of my shoes, and yeah, I am beyond comatose and delirious, I am simply, in this moment. So buckle up and take notes along the way, and witness something special, as I attempt to go pass your definition. So in bringing up this topic again, I think it should be warranted that I cover it from many different angles, do not you agree? The reason I ask is because you know what I have found, is that it was not only when I broke up or got broken up with that took me to Mary J. Land, there were other times and I did not even know it. What I found in looking back, is when my heart was really hurting, was when I sometimes did not know how to identify what pain was or is. I found it many times, while I was going through the very thing I was trying not to go through or become, something or should I say my actions, really steered me down this beautiful curvy road in the dark without using my brakes and my head lights off. In looking back, it is sometimes even worse in my opinion, when you are still in that moment and can not find a way out, and what seems like, a person sitting in their seat at the theater, watching a movie. You can not even back track, because the knowledge you have gathered now, is that lesson you needed to learn in the first place, which is why you went through that proverbial door or down that steep road, in second, third and so on, place. But man, hindsight is 20/20, and we all can be arm chair quarterbacks, after the game is over. But hey, thats the responsibility and gamble we all take, on falling in love, there is no guarantee and in finding the one, odds greatly against you. I mean if we only knew the things we could have done when we did or did not do them to make the moment not even happen, we should and could be odds makers in Sin or Atlantic City. But once again, hindsight, is 20/20 and I guess that is why they call this thing call life, life, and we are constantly, suppose to live it and love what we keep hate feeling like when it lies to us. But back to the topic on the table, and I wish while writing this, I could use a virtual Lazy-Susan and spin it around the room and recycle some thoughts from you that are reading this. This can go so many ways in and on so many more levels, and to really say to someone, "This means this or that means something else, like a UDO", is a job I do not think I am capable of taking, let alone applying for. Thats some shit, to actually claim to be a professional at something that specifically relevant, and not accurately do, 100% of the time, what you were trained and getting paid to do, when called upon in that moment and situation. So if I even attempt to comment on where I was at when I have had my hearted shattered into pieces smaller than pieces you can not even see, I would not know where to start. What could I do or say, maybe try and explain the mood, moment and more when I would sit in the corner of one of my many rooms in my house, turn off the phones, look at a blank wall in the dark with my eyes watering like my main valve has a leak, with a bottle of Blue Label, gasping and reaching for something to hold on to with my fist balled up? What, explain how I would have Sarah Mc Laughlin or Sade on the stereo low enough to annoy the hell outta me, or no, even better, having Mary J, not the new May J. but the old Mary J. Bilge blaring in the background, and would be feeding me encouragement when I did not even want it with the pan in her voice, coating my every scar? What, talk about everything I did right and why they did not understand now, when they should have then. What, try to explain something to someone that is not in that situation, what you are going through now, when they do not want to remember the time they went through it themselves? What, how on earth can I even do justice the topic of heartbreak, when you know you are settling, but you can not seem to let go, even though you know you should and you are trying to make sense of it. I do not think I can come anywhere close to conversing with anyone going through that type of shit when they are going through it and I am not, and honestly, feel good about myself in telling them what I think they should do. I mean hell, I am far from trying to go back there. That shit hurts, and either I am in deep denial and strictly okay with it, or have found something worth dying for, which is why life to me right now, is worth living for.
So, now that we briefly went there on that topic, lets go down another street that I am sure, many of you have been on. Maybe some of you rented a spot on this block, took up residence or maybe own the property, but we all have gone down this street for one reason or another. I am talking about the road to recovery, and how if you really think about it, it is your own defense system in offensively going for the things we now know are possible and within our grasp. It can be called experience, knowledge or many things, but what it is, is your advice on how to get over things that got under us and lifted us to places we never thought were possible, like a UDO. Now me, I get quiet when I am hurt. I will not say I hide it well, but I become really reserved, and almost a little, too quiet. I am circulating thoughts and emotions inside of myself, and not really looking for a place to toss the blame, but a place where I know, it will not come back and haunt me or someone, that picks it up later on in life. I get like that black kid in The Charlie Brown shows. You know, that kid that you see but do not see, and if you never knew his name, it is Franklin. But to know that, you must have some identity with him and or his character, and for those that are with me on this one, you know what I mean. But I know when I was hurt and what seemed like, the final days of my life, I have been on both ends of the situation. Where the cliche "To get over someone, get under someone else", was tried by me, many of times. But how also, staying alone and feeling the pain, got me through the situation as well. I think the common thing on both choices, is the fact that you will, get pass or past it, it only takes time. And I do not mean some specific time frame or table where you wake up one day and say, "Hey, what do you know, I am over that S.O.B." I am talking about the time it takes for you to forgive yourself and others, and learn from that experience and move on genuinely with appreciation for surviving, another tragic event. It could be a day, month, or never in your mind. But it will come, and when you do find that peace, you can see other pieces of your life, falling in place. I think thats the advice I would honestly give, because each situation is different, but the common denominator I think in each thing I have been through and in, that was it. Its funny how when this does happen, your heart does not really hurt, but somehow, it seems to pump cloudiness throughout your veins, and all you seem to see, is what is being felt inside of you? I donÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂt know, maybe I am trippin or do not get it all, but I do know that after coming out of that kind of situation, I was putting up walls like a general contractor in a new housing development with a wife that has a shopping fetish at St. Johns. Can not really say they were stucco or lead, but I do remember, I put those motherfuckers up without a permit or license, quick, fast and in a fothermuckin hurry! Looking back, it might not have been fair for many of the women I came in contact with shortly after that, but man, if there ever was a screening process ever invented, I do so then, claim ownership and patents on that invention. I think I got to the point one time, where if you even sneezed like the bitch that just broke my heart, you were done, and not with me just breaking it off with you. I think when I was really out there, I would date only women that look like the women that brought out the bitch in me, so I could ignite and distribute as much pain and suffering I could conjure up with a smile on my face. I know that sounds sick and wrong, but hey, I am guilty of it, and I am not boasting or regretting, but simply, stating a fact. I was fucked up, and thank God, it has really only been around four or five times, but they seem like forever and five lifetimes that almost killed me when I was going through them. Nothing made sense, and in many ways, I am glad now, that I went through what I did, then. I honestly swear that I constantly think and worry that I do not go to hell for some of the shit I have done to others, and honestly, feel sorry for them. I am not making any excuses or asking for forgiveness, this goes beyond that. This is about I was not even me when I did that, and understand those I just simply did wrong, for no reason, in looking back. But for the record, if you were one of the handful I did wrong, email me and without a doubt, you have my permission and blessings to come spit on my grave when I am dead. If anyone gives you some flack, show them this theory, and it will state in my Last Will and Testament, that for this onetime act, I will give you that pass to spit on my grave. But do not get it twisted, I am not the devil by any means, just like I am no angel either, but I am far from the devil, I just got caught up in this thing call Love on the other end, and I flipped. I guess many of the times, I did not know what to do when I was hurt, and all I did, was give out what I felt, was being given to me. Now as I became more familiar with this feeling, I became wiser on how I dished it out to others. Which is another story in its self, because I am still wondering, have I become so de-sensitized to joy and pain, that I may not know the difference any more. I think one thing that was important, I mean really important when I was hating everything, was that I forgot about the other end, love. I mean many times, while listening to music, I do not want to listen to certain songs, because they take me back to that moment and person, and that place is not like the way Lalah Hathaway is singing in the background about love. Well the way I see and feel about Love now. But the song means something, not the one playing behind this theory, even though it is the premise of this theory, but whatever song I may now hear, but never really listen to like I did when I first heard it with that person. Its just like the situation I hurt from yesterday, and the one the day before that, even if it was not on the same level of the one before those. I got over it when I faced it and was focused on how to solve the problem, instead of complaining about it. But lucky me (smile), I can now say that in the aftermath, and more than likely, did not while this, whatever it was that was happening, was happening. Maybe sometimes it does not matter if the lesson was painful, but maybe, that we felt that pain and got better from it, as the joy within it. So now, are we on the same page now? I am being real, more so than ever, and let us put this shit out on the Lazy-Susan one moe gin, and taste what this shit is suppose to taste like. So remember, when I start the next paragraph, remember we are discussing, things worth dying for and things worth living for, like a unidentified divine object.
So how can we define heartbreak. Where can we place the blame? Or do we chalk it up as part of the game? Maybe it is our destiny to go through the things we least expect, to appreciate the times and many things we need to pay attention to later on. I know for me, many of the women I have been with, I still love. I love them for who they are in my mind, and what I admired about them, individually when I was with them. The things they taught me. Allow me to teach and how certain reactions, brought upon the same inside of me, in a different way. Where they help mold me, teach me more about me and how to give what I wish to get and more. I know for a fact, a few of them played a significant role in my life now, where lessons I learned from them, prevent me from learning that lesson, again. Now I could not say something like that while going through a break up with them, but I can honestly say that to you right now. I honestly think that each person, should go through a devastating breakup, even though I do not wish that upon any one. But when you go through something like that, you really have a chance to put things in perspective. I think once you get beyond what that person is, meant to you and how you perceived them, I feel you can really find yourself in the aftermath. I know for me, it served as a valuable lesson. It taught me how to cherish moments, events and the little things that make the big things possible. I stopped paying attention to the way they sneezed, and realized, that is human nature and at the very least, I could if nothing else, now offer them one of my embroider handkerchiefs. And yeah, they can keep it after they wipe or blow. I am not perfect and know it, and I am okay with that. I might be an asshole to this person and a saint to another, but neither one of those opinions, define who I am completely. It is something else, when you can look into the mirror and see who is looking back, and accept the responsibilities on the choices you have made and had made for you. You see me, I would prefer a President that has been broke, got high, stole and more. One that has been to jail and lived on the streets he did not know was even there. Why you may ask, for the experience on what his country is all about. A President that can relate to what each end of the spectrum is all about, and a way to really, apply those lesson to those that do not have a voice. I am not talking Scarface or Charles Manson, but I am not talking Ivy League either. Someone from the middle, that had father as a Roman Catholic Preacher and mother that was Luke Dancer in a Get Live Crew Video. I do not want perfection, because honestly, I do not know what perfection is, only what I think it represents. I would just enjoy the perception of ones perfection, that way, many will be heard, instead of those with a megaphone. I know this may be wishful thinking, but hey, before it just happened, when did you think you were going to see a Black President in our lifetime? Think about it, it might be able to happen if we think about the many things worth dying for, and the many more, worth living for.
So as I close this out, the question is still on the table," How do you mend, a broken heart?" I do not know, and maybe, hearts are meant to be broken, so we can put it back together, the best way we know how. And when you put it back together, I do not think you need to have an array of tools. I do not think its about how many tools you have to fix something, I think it may be more about finding the right one to fix you and your specific problem. Now what that tool is, I think it is different for everyone. A friend of mine found God and became a preacher, while another, has stayed in Attila The Hun mode, and runs through women like CJ through some pampers. Maybe, it is all part of some master plan, to teach us this proverbial lesson we all just happen to skip or miss, and prepare us for what is to be, when it comes and shows its self. When it all makes sense, and we then and only then we honestly realize, why we went through what we did, to get to where we were destined to be. But is that really true or possible? I mean come on, even if you do not fully believe in something you can not see, you have to at least give the power of love a thought. The expectations on what you can foresee with that person, only to see it, go down faster than the chick in Debbie does Dallas, has to make one think on some level that it is possible, but dam near impossible to find and hold on to. I am not saying it is impossible to love and not feel pain, but man, if you know someone that has experienced this, can you please give or send them my email address. I need to talk to them if for nothing else, learn on the things they may have done that I did not do, for the sake of the future. I mean dam, to not go through the mud, how can you appreciate the sky, when and if you get there? I mean yeah, when its over, you can see that silver lining to a bigger purpose. But man, when you are in it, all you can see is the platinum effort you are having thrown back in your face, and nothing, make sense but the dollars of time you now regret putting in. But also, in defense on the terms and situation on being defensive, I must say that I am no expert on this subject. I know I do not really regret some of the things I have done and have been done to me. But I can say, many of those times, I could have been a little bit better and the pain, really did not have to hurt that much. Because what I have learned, is that heartbreak, is heartbreak. Its almost a badge of honor to wear this painful medal of honor. As it is also not fair, being the deliverer of this painful gift, in a box with a bow on it. But that still leaves the question, how do you handle it, or get over it, while being deep inside of it? I do not know, and can only tell you what happened to me, when I from the Grace Of God, got from under it. Is it painful, yeah. Make you question the obvious and completely fuck you up mentally to the point where you are questioning your own name, for sure. But is it worth it, yes. A million times over I will tell you, yes. It is remarkable the power of forgiveness and the many little things that go into it making it what it is, the whole. But will or would I advise going through what I have been through, no, and then again, yes. What I became while in it and what I became after it, made me a better person. But man, was it hard. And note, I am far from where I think and feel I can be, but man, can say in all honesty, I am glad I went through the things I have gone through. It taught me about me, not who I thought I was or becoming. What I would do and now do differently without and with, regret. Enable myself to feel, and know the difference when the same thing comes along when its all over. I have always said, "That life is a series of continual one stop trips, so pack light because you will accumulate baggage along the way at each stop, if you want to or not". But seriously, some of the stops, I think I could have done without. So yeah, and, no on heartbreak. But one thing is for sure, its worth living for and going through, instead of dying for just anything and or, Something Else, Like an UDO. Unidentified Divine Object. You gotta Love life, because, it loves and needs you to be who it is. Thats the UDO, Love. So that is my answer to you and the many that want to know how I feel about heartbreak. Feel it and do you, what will be, will be, with or without you, so enjoy it while and when it is happening. Give it and Feel it like your life depends on it with no regrets. Give it your all, because you never know when it may come around again and ask for you to join it. The odds are against you, there are billions of people wanting the same thing you are complaining about. So there it is. Get over it or under Something Else, Like an Unidentified Divine Object. Enjoy The Moment -
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