I Can Afford You, come spend tha night (LINK)
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www.theoriesofthought.com
What I first would like to say is this, if it is daytime, then I am inviting you to spend tha night with me. If you have plans, then change them. Also know that I say that out of pure respect for what you are supposed to be doing or was going to do, because I do not want to seem too pushy. So before you go and tell me to go take a hike or cancel those plans, know your feelings and arrangements have been deeply thought of, and spend tha night ADGere. But I am just asking you to join me tonight, as I hope to make your next day, that much better if you do. Second, if it is already nighty nighttime or even early evening, then welcome to my world and enjoy the way I am about to treat you. As you can more than likely tell, I am already in the zone while writing this theory, because upon reflecting on the many things I have done, witnessed and viewed from a far, I am going to go way beyond out there today in this theory. Now the title as you know, is my trademark and signature foundation to the topics I wish to cover when I write. How sometimes at first when you read them, the titles that is, not the theories themselves, but the titles, do not make much sense when you read them. They might catch your attention or make you wonder, where in the hell I might be going with this one. But for the most part, they are riddles I use to write about straight up facts in my mind. Or even better, how they lead you one way, and have you go another to come back to where it all started in the beginning. So this personal title is a lot of things, all rolled up into one powerful theory. Now the title, yeah, its a bold statement, and yeah, I know it. The title is arrogant, true, confident and humbling all in the same breath. So understand that as I exhale it out, what you may inhale, may be a bit different, if you wish to in and exhale with or without me. Now they may not all be or absorbed by you in that particular order, but they are present in the foundation I am writing about today, so be warned. Also let me warn you that while reading this, there are and will be things said, written and labeled in what I have wrote down for you to absorb, and without a doubt, they can side track you. They are not done or put there to get or gain your attention or a reaction, so if you get hung up on one thing, please know that you may miss two or three other things or the entire reason for the theory being written its self. Recently, someone very close to me, sent me an email to support my journey, and they attached this saying that I think, fits this theory and my entire perspective on life and love, in a nutshell. It states; "God Determines who walks into my life....it's up to me to decide who I'll let walk away, who I'll let stay, and who I'll refuse to let go". So as stubborn or pigheaded I may and can be sometimes, this time, I am selfishly asking you to come spend tha night with me. Now yeah, obviously, I am going through some personal shit of my own right now, and regardless how you think it may be, it is a little more and a little less than what you are going through. Its not that yours is better or mine worse, its just that yours are yours and mine is mine, and we are two different people looking the same shit everyday, and reacting and acting accordingly, based on our own experience and responsibility to self and all we protect. But right now I am answering a bunch of emails, deleting old files and going through some old theories I started and never finished. Why I wrote them, well, started them I should say, and why I never found time to finish them, is a theory in its self. There were many that had me thinking now, wow, what was I on when I wrote that, or, dam, I cant believe I wrote that and did not share it! I even went into my personal diary and reflected a bit, and went over the report card I give myself, each and every month. Each month, I set goals for myself to keep me self-motivated, and keep me on the path I am now enjoying traveling on. Like many that know me personally, things I do sometimes do not make sense when you see or interact with me, but just like the titles in my theories, in the end, it all makes sense and you laugh at me and say, "How did you know?" I do not think its weird or strange that I do what I do, but I can see how it does not make sense when you first see it if you cant see what I can see. Example, I was talking to my girlfriend the other day about the predator and the prey premise, and how having each, keeps some sort of balance in a world much larger than us. Its like a bittersweet massacre all rolled up in a romantic comedy, because there is a part of you that is sympathetic to whatever happens, and entertained beyond belief that it is not happening to you. But in this conversation, we began to personalize our overall view on what togetherness is, and was somewhat moving our way out of each others way to come closer together. It kind of took on a life of its own, in referring to the conversation and moment, and start teaching us about things we would not have brought up on our own, in dealing with us as a couple trying to bond closer. I mean something was happening, but it was not apparent until it was over, and we wanted to feel that closeness, again and again. So we kept going back to a certain phase and vibe, and kept feeling the things that were making us addicted to this new drug we have never experienced. We were on a roller coaster, and though it was fun and entertaining, things kept leaving us off of this emotional ride and we wanted it to continue to learn more about learning, living, loving and listening. But where it kept leaving us, was on another level closer to a place we did not even know existed, and even though we were growing, we were diminishing at the same time. So now we are really into to this thing, and I am wondering, who is now, the predator and the prey, and does each know its role and what role that is in particular. So now my competitive juices start following, but also, a side of me that believes the most important part of a conversation, is listening, so I was. I was humbly preparing myself for each and every word that was said and coming out of her mouth, that each word took on three more meanings, and the next word, the same which brought me back to where she was coming from and going. So now I really in it. I am listening, absorbing, throwing out the good and the bad, and storing in my mind what I can to keep recalculating everything that is happening, not being said, not being heard and delivered back by me. Now also throw in the fact that I was primarily raised by women. The major influences in my life were women, so to some, I am a bit to emotional and sensitive. But soon as you think I am defining myself in a certain way, throw in that I had uncles that were true, beast. Men that if you looked up the word "dog" in the dictionary, depending on which dictionary you look in, there would be at least a few words mentioning them or a link to a photo with them looking innocent and arrogant at the same time. But being a so-called, mommas boy myself, I do have a very sensitive side. My feelings can be hurt really easy over the most silliest and dumb shit imaginable, but I have this ability to endure a lot more than you may think when I seem to be tapping out. I think it comes from a drive my grandmother installed in me. This part that you go to when you know you need to get there, and nothing facing you, can endure what they do not know they are facing. That un-described strength, that goes beyond logic. Where you become almost primal, and the reason you have that power with and within you, is for certain times that mean an awful lot to you. And this is one of those moments. So needless to say, I am really loving my woman right now, and loving her for introducing me to this moment.
Now there are a few things about me that I feel you should know. I mean I am sure many of you think I may or may not be this or that, and thats okay. Thats you. But for the record and out of full respect, I need to explain to you, a few things that are seriously true about me and bothers the hell out me. I hate talking on the phone, and when I talk to you personally be it on the phone, in person or in text, I like to tell stories. I hate the phone because I was always on it in the past, and I simply, just hate it. So if you talk to me on the phone, I can pretty much guarantee you that the conversation will not be long. It will be potent, you will get an answer, but it will be short. If it goes longer than needed in my opinion, I will tell you I will call you back. I will get back to you when I can devote the proper time to whatever we need to communicate to each other, but trust me, unless I am totally taken by you or the moment, the conversation will, I repeat, will be short. I am one of the few that actually like that you can not drive holding a cell phone. I hate that shit. People driving a three pound piece of metal or plastic going down the highway at seventy miles a hour, trying to drive, talk, get directions and more, and jeopardize my life because they did not take a extra five minutes at home to do what they need to do. I do not think so. Man, ever wonder why insurance prices went up and the accident rate, even higher. But thats another theory in its self, and let me get back to this one. Sorry. But another thing about me that I feel is important for you to know is, I also tell stories to get my point across. To some, it might seem long and drawn out, to others, kinda cool. I am not your old school Aesop fable teller, but I relate and relay to many things, through experiences I have had or imagined. I try to find a parallel to both explain and inform of its importance, and do so in a story telling type of way. So bare with me right now, because this is where the theory takes a strange twist. While talking to my partner on subjects we never would have brought up on our own, I was suddenly in a conversation I was having with my guys I meet with weekly, on things I am thinking about now. As with each sex, we all have a group of people we bounce shit off of every once in a while, to see what sticks and comes back with something else on or off of it. These may be friends or family, but these are those that you can draw from when you need the answers you already know are right from your validating source. This is your validating team, and opinions just like the advice, is absorb based on what you know about them. Its like one of the guys in my crew. This fool has had four divorces, has 6 children he provides very well for, and on the club scene, weekly, looking for something else. He is a great guy, good friend and more. I would give my heart to him if he needed it, because of his love for his children and family, and how many of them, have a chance at being better than they knew, because of his passion and love for them. But under no circumstances, and I am talking about none. I mean at the worse of the worse moments, and Armageddon is right over the mountaintop and I am standing front and center witnessing this, I am not going to ask this fool on how to stay married when I reach that point. I may ask him on how to fuck one up or how to file some divorce papers if I ever need them. But if nothing else would be asked on his opinion that is not on my list with him, marriage is out of the fuckin question. As far as developing a long-term relationship and making it work longer than 18 months, this my friends, is not your man. Its like asking me to fix something mechanical or electronic. I simply am not built that way. I swear to God, you can ask a few of my ex-girlfriends or friends that have lived with me or at my house a lot. I am the man that electrocutes himself by trying to change a light bulb. Its not that I am dumb or stupid, that shit jus aint for me, and I know it. But back to my friend, and me explaining that he is also a great father to his children, and on great terms with his baby mammas. They may be scattered, from different environments, different ages and all, but they all get along and know each other. And on top of that, he is a great example, as far as that goes. But back to the conversation I found myself in. We were talking about women, what we all look for, and what bait do we need, to catch the fish we just cant, throw back or eat. So of course this topic took each step in fully developing. We went from the cosmetic bling-bling shit, to the qualifications required to capture such a beautiful beast we would not or ever call a animal. We all had different takes and taste on women, and maybe that is another reason we do not step on each others toes, because we all like different things. Its no secret that most men understand their limits and limitations, and that in many ways, the world is a very big playground. Now there are many playgrounds with many things and not, and the one you select to play or live in, comes with a price, because the sand is different in all of them. If you want the glitz and glamour, then what comes with it, requires such and such. If you want this area, well this is what comes with it, good and or bad. So as a man, it is in us to have the toys we need to play with, in the playground we select to live or play in, if we want and need to have fun. Like me, I am not a materialistic person. What you may see or think is one thing. But what I know, is that I am not into cars, flashy stuff and things like that. I love clothes, and in my opinion, may not be the best, but on a regular basis, I am pretty hard to beat. So I dress to impress myself, not others. Thats the ego side of me. I prefer the laid back vibe look, not the, Hey, Look at ME, I am wearing Eterni or Armani. That is too much out there, and simply like me changing a light bulb, it is just not me. Now besides being scared of slugs and snails, hating tomatoes and always needing two straws in a glass if I am drinking something, I also have a major issue with people coming to my house. I am not talking about homes I may have that I really do not stay at, but my home, the place I lay my head to find peace, that is the one I am talking about. Just based on my past, my involvement s and more, I am super duper paranoid about people coming to my house. I have lost relationships that have ended because I would not bring them to my house, and trust me, I understand how that may look. But look at it this way, by you not coming to where I hold sacred, is no disrespect to you, its just a full respect on what it means to those I let come there. I know it may seem weird or strange or like I may be hiding something, but trust me, its not like that. Think what you want and judge me as a whatever type of MF, but that is a part of me that I hold very very close to my heart, based on my grandmothers wishes. Think about it, I write about some crazy ass shit daily, and share it to the world to be ridiculed, judged and more, and keep doing it because I love it. This is not the ego side of me, this is the real personal side of me, and I just release it out for people to think or do whatever to my thoughts. But seriously, I have issues with people coming to my house, but I am no hermit or anything like that. People may come to my condo or somewhere else I feel comfortable, but to come to my house, well let me just say this, you are in there if you know what I mean when that happens. We all have quirks like that, some larger and some smaller. But all have our things that makes us comfort and what we want to share something with, notice how special it is. So as we were talking and conversing about this and that, I found that we all were saying the same thing, in different ways. Now I am the spoil and pamper type of boyfriend. The one that wants his women speaking on him via her happy walk down the street. The man that gets off on giving my woman a sense of self and materialistically give to her decorative pieces that make a statement, not following a trend. I do that crazy type of shit, like get fortune cookies made with a personal note inside from me. Or do something and or send you something that benefits you and your friends, not me, which makes you look good and your selection and standard of men, that much better. I am that romantic, trying to subtly make an impact like a meteor hitting the ground in the middle of a uninhabited forest in BFE. I am the type of man that after dealing with me, the next three or four after me, got some work to do. On all levels, not just one because remember, I will never claim to be the best, but on a daily and regular basis, I am pretty hard to beat. I study my prey, even if its not an animal. I watch it even when it does not know it is being watched. I am attentive, but not over bearing. Respectful but stubborn. I pay attention, listen and absorb what stimulates and diminishes what I am trying to do and accomplish. This may be the predator side of me, but know that I am sensitive enough to understand, who is who, the difference and when I should introduce them to the moment. But while talking about our wants and needs, we started to deal with what we all have in reality. We personally addressed how it is what we have, is what it is, and the responsibilities in having it, means this or that. We may say this or that, complain, brag or boast about this or that, but in the end, we are all realistic in what and where we are at, and know the reasons we are where we are at, is because of us and what we do and did to get here. It may not be seen or said, but we are all-realistic and know each other pretty well. Anyway, back to conversation and why this theory was started in the first place.
Now while still writing to you now, in the memory of the conversation I was having with my partner and drifting into the one with my fellas, I am now, back in the conversation with you on this topic of togetherness, that we keep coming back to. Now, once you strip everything down to its core, and find the true essence of its being and who it is, that is when the manufacturing of true emotions comes out. When every lie has been told, when every truth validated by effort and when that or the rubber meets the road, who each other is when they meet and excel or decline, is when the real growth as a unit takes place. But we got on the topic of placement in our respected relationships, and sort of took this child like quiz. Imagine you need to label your relationship in a box, what box would accurately describe your relationship. I know I know, this sounds kinda crazy, but go along with me and try to understand what image he was describing. Imagine if you had to place a check in a box, what box would honestly describe your current situation;
____ Happy and can not possibly do better
____ Comfortable, and adequate to what I am and bring to the table
____ Not bad, but not good either
____ Settling and know it. A Transition Arrangement
____ On the fence and waiting to go to one side or another
____ Temporary and we both know it will not last too much long or longer
____ It is what it is, not much thought
Now, which one would you say you are involved in, and which one would you care to believe you selected in hope and faith? Thats the question and the answer each of us has to answer to ourselves, and something we must admit to ourselves, if we select to believe it or not. Thats when I flipped back to my conversation to my partner, and how all of what I have been going through, comes together. You see on one side of each of us, there is an ego side that is both good and bad, selfish and giving and logical and imaginary. There is a selfish side as well, a side we show and a side we hide to ourselves and to the public. A side we flamboyantly display, and a side we careful hide for the right person to discover if they read the blueprint or map. Within each of those sides, we have choices, opinions, experiences and such. Inside each of them, we have reality and something we either are working on, and something we work on ignoring. Now before you jumped to an answer, understand we are not just talking about our relationship with another person on an intimate level. We are talking about our professions, our ability to absorb and distribute, our relationship to self and each other and more. We are conversing about our children, homes, image, family, God and more. We are putting in perspective, what it cost to get what we wanted, and how we could not or would not pay, for the things we did not need. It goes beyond the pros and the cons, it reaches scales of weights and balances, and what is invested and what is withdrawn with and without knowing or feeling its affects. So as we start answering these questions to ourselves, we started answering them to each other. We all know about each others partner, profession, idiosyncrasies, strengths and more, and know the effort, commitment and other things their partner might not know we know and talk about. Thats when the topic togetherness kept coming up, and how absorbent we are to what the other is dishing out. So now comes the self-evaluation on what and how, we describe and define ones self. What we look like on the outside. What we think we look like and what is actually seen. How we are on the inside as a person. The baggage we have accumulated and the baggage we did not get stuck with. The materialistic stuff, along with the plan we have put together to keep what we got, elevating at a pace we can handle and keeps motivating us for the short, present and long term. We talk about the temptations, the places we put ourselves in and the ones we do our best to avoid to take us out of our comfort zone. This is when it got really real, and the cream start rising as the ever so fresh scent of reality, filled the air. The best or simplest way to translate the translation of text we were exchanging, is to say that we were uplifting each other beyond our own shoulders. We were forming a bond even stronger than the one before this conversation, and were building something that could help each of us help each other to be helped, if we need it. Yeah, right now, I am listening to every word being said.
So now lets go back to the beginning, and the conversation I was having with my current partner. I started to look at her. I do not mean just look at her, but really view her as a person, not a piece of eye candy or a person that knows the most intimate things about me. I mean really see her as a person. I then removed her from the equation and start asking myself, do I deserve to be with this woman? Now do not think I am doubting myself or that I have self-esteem issues, its not about that. What I mean is, when the shit hits the fan. When you strip everything down and get to the essence of a person, should I be so selfish to keep something I know I do not deserve, or leave something that I feel, does not deserve me. Yeah I start going to a place I had never been to before, and I was freakin lovin it and do not mind telling you, I had a hard on that would have made you think I just popped two Viagra pills and chased it with some Blue label while watching Jenna Jameson do her thing on my big screen plasma. This was some real shit, and I started to understand the premise of love, life, listening, listening even more and learning. This was and is not about what I can buy, what I have to give or what is to be taken. This was about that shit the MasterCard commercial talks about, shit that is "Priceless". So I start wondering, what does it take to buy something with no price tag on it. How can I adjust myself to adapt to things, when if I do not know who I am, I do not know what I can afford or give. Thats where this title came into play. I had to ask myself, can I afford you if I am with you? Now once again, this has nothing to do with money. This has everything to do with people and how we treat them and them us. I start asking myself an array of questions, that answers seem to come without me thinking about them. I am now bewildered and wondering mindlessly, if I am, who I say I think or imagine I can be? Can I look at the world and say yes, yes, out of the millions of people in the world. Can I say yes to your friends. Can I say no to my own? Can I say yes to your family and people that seen you through some shit that do not really know me. Can I say to you and to myself, yes. Can I say that it is you that makes me a part of us. Can I say no to all of the temptations and things to come in between us. Can I be strong when I am weak. Can you accept me in spite of myself, and can I count on you to be you when I am not me, all of the time? These were the questions going through my mind while listening to things that now, seemed muffled, and I am now wondering, who slipped me a
E Pill in my cranberry and orange juice mix? So now, I transpose my girlfriend sitting next to me still talking like never before, back into vision like Jessica Alba in the Fantastic Four. This invisible woman I could never seem to find or see, was now becoming my reality, not fantasy woman, and I knew, who was sitting next to me, was not her. The person sitting next to me was bringing me closer to her or the woman I had just discovered on my own, and this was refreshing, startling and overwhelming in a calm sort of way, to say the least. I guess you could say that she was or is a messenger so to speak, and she was the next step in my evolution in discovering what a woman is to me, and my position, as a man. What did bother me but also inspired me, was that I started to realize that I had not even taken out the time to respect, acknowledge and more in the past on what was happening to me now. Hell, in my own arrogance, I did not even know it was possible or existed. Thats how absorbed or self centered I was on the subject. So now I am grinning, smiling in a smirkish kinda way, moving my head from side to side, laughing at myself. I am laughing because people, this theory was written on a three dimensional level. You see I wrote this theory the day after my grandmother died, five years ago. She sat me down, told me things about life, the things she knew I loved and my responsibilities of a man, her grandson and contributor to society. She told me what to watch out for. What to accomplish and in her opinion, what was important. Then, while going through my old emails and theories, I found a theory that was pretty much, word for word on the topic I was writing about. Then there is now, the conversation with my fellas and my partner. There is a present time that I am now having that conversation with you, my family, my friends, enemies and more. I am having this conversation with every aspect of my life and I am saying yes, yes to any and everything. If you feel I am who I am, then I will be that. I am perfectly flawed, and capable of doing some things, and not doing others. I open my world and heart to you, but know in doing so, I am and will be, asking for the same. So yeah, who ever you are, welcome into my world. My daily world of Theories Of Thoughts and my most deep and inner thoughts that I wish to freely share with you. Take what you want, give what you feel I deserve and know in me asking you to do so, I am also saying that yeah, I got it like that and without a doubt I can come honest with and to you and all you represent. Remember, this goes well beyond the predator and prey premise I was conversing about earlier, because, "God Determines who walks into our life.... its up to me and you to decide who we let walk away, who we will let stay, and who we will refuse to let go". So yeah, I am asking you to come and stay with me right now. Why you may ask, simple, "I Can Afford You, so come spend tha night". Enjoy The Moment -
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