I Sometimes Wonder (LINK)
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As I rise this morning and give thanks to the ultimate Power that re-energizes my soul and kick starts my heart, I relish yet another moment in giving to you my, Theories Of Thought. As I am still trudging along and reflecting on the days before this one, I find myself learning more about living, loving it and all it represents, a bit more each and every day. So today like most other days, I am once again eager to see what I view today, to hopefully talk about tomorrow in a forum I feel best suits my dispersal of what I have gathered. I am eager to wake up as my eyes open to only close all three of them at different times, time and time again throughout the millions of moments ahead of me. Now presently, I am in the upright position, with a temporary hunch in my back to reached the keyboard, to try an accurately attempt to write something kinda special. I am in this position for one main reason, and that reason is to relay to you this information as fast as I am thinking about the thoughts I have on my mind right now. And in my mind while being in this position, I am feeling this force around me, molding me into this man that is about to display to you his passion for life. You see I am sitting down with my new dog, Boo-Boo Kitty and listening to some head bobbing music with two of my favorite vices in arms reach. This is the position I am most prone to, when I do my most damage when wrecking shop in my writings and provoking thoughts. That last statement is based on my experience in writing about the things that move me, and right now I am what seems to be, more prime for having the present potential to pump out something kinda potent. I am due (smile). Now in terms of what I am now doing as far as learning a new craft and doing so as a eager-ass-non-monetary-receiv ing-intern for this man that I have grown to love and respect, last night and the image of it today, makes me a bit more confident on my selection to get paid in more ways than I can explain to you right now. I validate that claim because for some reason, this morning created a moment to make me throw back my shoulders, because I am proud to say to you at this moment that in my humble opinion, " I am moving in the direction on my new path with a newfound confidence and focus". An image, or should I say "The Image" came into my mind like never before last night, well today as I write about it, in meeting these two people that are soon to be joining forces. The way I see it from an outsider looking in, is that these people are craving each other like Boo-Boo Kitty bothering the hell out of you for some passionate and soothing attention if you came to my house and sat on one of my couches to relax and chill. But last night, I met a classically stunning looking woman name Tiffany, and her soon-to-be stoic reflection she will turn to see each and every morning named Jamaal. Now I have not explain who they are yet, but if nothing else, they have made my stay where I am at right now within myself and how I look at life, great, and I thank them. If I am right or they are where I wish to be when I am married, and plan on excelling from it when I get there because of it as an individual and person, it would and will be an honor, well worth it and the ride of rides to me if I am selected. So humbly I say hello to you again, and introduce to you my man, her man, Jamaal and his soon to be sidekick and ultimate love on earth, Tiffany. Hey, why we met only God knows, but for some reason, we all came together in this place where each of us came for different reasons, and you and I, are going to do the same in this theory, so hold on. But the thing that spawned inside of me in the aftermath of meeting them, was the image of marriage, love, commitment and more things along those lines. In many ways it had nothing to do with them, but on what they were representing to me at that, and this time, of my life. You see they just got engaged a bit earlier in the day and the glow of each of them together, was overwhelmingly powerful this evening when I seen and met them. You see I wanted to sit and talk to them. No, that is wrong, I did not wanna talk, I needed to converse with them universally and find out what is making them do, what they are about to do and doing? I wanted to unconditionally converse with what they represent via them, and see if what they are about to do and doing is the same, is it more or less, different or whatever than the way I feel about what they are about to do. I needed some small piece of validation to make sure that this is what I wish to do someday soon. Is it all that it is cracked up to be? Is it what they imagined before meeting each other. Is it all or more since being together, or was things less when they were a part? You see they are a cute couple and I am in no position to judge or label them, but I do have this feeling that they would and will tell you they are grown if you asked them a premature-private question on life and love. They are in their mid-twenties and each you could tell, have been through some wars, with very little visible scars to reveal to the naked eye not looking close enough to see them. I am wondering did they just meet by chance and fell in love like you hear or read about in the movies, writings and theories of thoughts. I am wondering are they fact or fiction, real or fake, what I think or what I do not. Did they become who they are by following and writing the unwritten rules on dating, or some other way not known by others. I am even thinking this is a set-up, and for some reason, I was meant to see what I seen, just like you seeing this at this time of your life. But I seriously have now and had so many questions I want and wanted to ask them, because on the surface from the depths I am standing and speaking to them, I feel that maybe they learned something a bit more earlier than me in their lives, which is okay. But if so and they did, can they teach me now and what the price is for admission, because I think and now know, I can now afford it in more ways than just money. I am now available, and I mean that in the terms of being open to love and what it means to be lucky enough to even have a real and true chance of feeling or even being touched by it. I am wondering how long they dated, were they still seeking other options while limiting their choices to the one they made. I wanna know if they swayed away from whom they both are, to only be drawn back by this force that taught them the lessons on life. Have the many lessons on and of life, prepared and applied to them in a very unique way, ways to handle whatever happens when they faced it. If they had fights, battles, manipulative moments, struggles and make up to break up episodes that rival the many civil wars we all have daily in trying to get where they are seemingly at. Have or did they bypass "the go being sneaky" phase. Did they meet up with the animal called, "deception". Have they always been open and honest, and fought through a lie to find the real truth? Did they finally see that in the eyes of its reason for existing, marriage is a ceremony and celebration for life? Their life, their mates life and beyond what they can not yet see for themselves, but have seen through the lives of others. Man, if I would have only asked them one of these questions at this birth of marriage between me and them just meeting, they would have been into some real serious shit! I would have taken them so long and far on this road of questions, that they would have forgotten why they traveled with me in the first place and now questioning, is this what I signed up for in meeting this crazy mother-fucka with his theories of freakin thoughts? Seriously, I would have ruined their day and evening, but maybe help better their perspective on marriage later on if I had start asking them about things the way I really wanted and needed to know. Things that really and literally, had nothing to do with them, but what they are doing and represent to me. They would have been floating mindlessly up "Da Nile" river, because with what I have seen in my lifetime of thirty odd years and counting, I would recycle my information with and at them, and at and with me through them. I would have done it with a massive force to give and receive what ever comes my way once the moments meshed and was over. Because everything on what they are about to do that I represent in my mind whenever I am blessed to do it, is showing its self to me again via these two lovely people in front of me. And I do not mean ruin their day or moment as in ruining it in a bad way, but a dream style reality of all of the nightmares we call invisible and visible scars, when we select the things we do when looking back on them later. I am wondering if he was more concentrating on her shapely figure, bank account figure, did he figure anything or if her FICA was in better shape than her "Seven" Jeans from the back, when he asked her to marry him and what he also has to represent in the same way? I am wondering if they lustfully love each other as a way of taking on the world as one, as they continue to grow as individuals or something much less or far from my definition. I am wondering if each of them before they met each other, seen an image of them in their mind. Who do they pattern their likeness to in their own lives? Who was their influence, who inspired them and whom did they fear of becoming? If each when masturbating at some significant time of their life in building the mate they lust for in every cosmetic way in utopia in a imaginary world, was the other what they thought they would be in the flesh in and on this world. If they were at some time or are the same person or image they imagined. What was on and off in your selection when you cashed in your vote in this ultimate election of beings. Was it height, skin tone, race, age, battle plan on life, sex, money and more. What did they settle on, compromised, was shocked to find better or worse, and the other way around. I am wondering when they reached that pinnacle of that orgasm, was what they seen then, who is in front of them reflecting that image for them to see and become part of. If they realize that what they are committing to, says to me and my definition, that all of the bullshit is over, and this is who each other is, will be with or without them, and a part. Where all of the lies are gone by the truth and how you define it. Man, if this is what they have in each other and if this is the love my grandmother always told me to find, then like Wyclef and Mary J. say, "Someone Please Call 911!". Because if this is it, this is where the superficial impressing part on who you are not, is gone and how it has diminished, takes on a new life while you start living yours. This is where the climb to whatever mountain, is a walk in the park, as long as it is done with each other in mind, body and soul. Where one will face everything from this point, together. Literally from this point on, we have no doubt that we as a unit, have the ability to agree on dis-agreeing, and we can handle that, because we love, respect and trust each other. We will proudly and mindlessly do it together, step by step, inch by inch and moment by moment with each others help. I think about that and sometimes wonder what they really felt in our conversation, told me and will become after getting a dose of me. And not more times than I should or should not be thinking about it, I sometimes wonder, about things and moments like this.
Now to even go a bit farther and further into what I am feeling, thinking and writing to you today, I need to explain what happened to me the day or night before I met Jamaal and Tiffany. I was mindlessly doing what I do in my internship, and seen this classically beautiful woman that was sitting and socializing with her friend. Yes, we made eye contact, flirted without obviously doing so and somehow did not interrupt the natural flow of rhythm in the midst of other people when we connected telepathically. We harmlessly grinned, smiled, nodded and acknowledged the moment, and silently screamed to each other from across the room without saying a word. Now to take you forward, I need to take you back to the day before this one, and all that I am going through in terms of my life right now. I am retired, but now working more like never before on things that I could not or did not allow myself to see while working in and on my career. My current focus has become a bit torn, and I am really now like I have been saying, listening more, absorbing even more and more selective on what I release back out into the world. As I became involved in this conversation about life and love with this woman in ways that did not bring up those two words, I start noticing that I was a visitor to the moment, not the creator of it. We were talking about how we define todays world, and how what was then, is not now, but really still is, in different ways. I spoke mainly about passions, desires, wants, needs, what I am, and what I wish to be and things like that, in our talk. Then while turning the simple talk to a conversation, I noticed that while she agreed, disagreed and learned how to see my point of view while I did hers, something here was forming. But what is important in this segment of the theory I am writing to you, is that you really and deeply get this from this point on. Fully understand if I really had to explain why I am writing this, I would have to tell you about this moment, what made that moment, the many life altering moments a day before and the day before that and so on. So just imagine my course right now based on yours, and lets continue this thing like Jamaal and Tiffany are about to do. Okay, I am a little confused myself, oh yeah, thats right, I was talking about the woman I met. Got it, lets go. Now the woman I had flirted with and now conversing with, basically was the natural and stimulating type I crave if or whenever I am craving, in a woman. She was perfectly flawed in the most classic way, and was basically your not so typical above standard, "great look", if you were or are turned on by what may not turn others off. I write about her look in many of my earlier theories as the ultimate soccer mom slut with a twist, so let me keep going forward in this one to see if the two come together, because I think you all know what I mean (smile). Now before we engaged in conversation, we both went through the rest of the evening doing what we were there to do. But somehow, we both found a way to cross paths to see who would speak, by-pass or act out first in a fashionable, respectful, most close to the real person we wish to show in the beginning. I think everyone goes through this when meeting a stranger and in a coyish way when you finally crossed paths and meet, you make it be known, but not over blown. So when we came close and far enough to both know this moment was about to happen, I stood in and played the part in my role in this real life movie. As I reached out my hand and introduced myself as a gentleman, the little boy, teenager, young adult, male and young man came flashing back through my mind at that moment. Now, with just the touch of her skin, I knew then that I was entering into an arena that I may not be prepared for or have no business being around. Within seconds upon speaking, I am looking at the environment we are meeting in, my path outside of a personal relationship, the good, bad, lines that can be crossed and the ones that could be drawn. Like I told you before, I am where I am at for a reason, to make what I am doing longer than a season, for the rest of my life. My own commitment to something larger than me is not even factored in yet, and I am introducing myself to something that if I am not careful, could tear down years of blood, sweat and tears, faster than it came. But I went for it any way, call me foolish or stupid, but I gave in and came out with a lot more. You see, I later found out that if I had not, I would not have learned a new lesson on the will of a person, and the love they have for something greater than themselves and my definition of it as it pertains to me. The woman I met introduced herself to me after me doing the same a few seconds before, and spelled it out because it had its own unique spelling and phrasing to it. I threw my lineage of examples at her with my signature smile, warmth and passion, and let her know in more than words that yes, her look was "Orville Redenbacher" that night. Yeah it was "poppin like popcorn", and if nothing else, she has a new fan for her selection of attire and the elegant way she wore it, not her being worn by it. But as I asked a series of trivial mainline questions and we became innocently engaged in our conversation, the topics became more specific, detailed and filled with substance. During this romp of verbiage, I had learned that the reason she was out with her friend that evening was to celebrate something she had just accomplished. I was out watching the game and was at a "sports bar" catching the closest thing I could to a real life game without being courtside. But she was there because she was celebrating an award that will never be given materialistically given, but emotionally and morally given out to those that deserve this trophy. She had gone back to college to further her education, but it was for something other than herself even though she will benefit from this experience. She went back to school, college, after dropping out over a decade and a half before this moment, and went back to show her son that was not thinking she understood the level of work it takes to get through todays school system, it was possible to get good grades. She buckled down, prepared to be a mother to her son in a way he could understand, and applied the words she would never have to speak it to him, in her actions. He honestly did not think his mother understood she said to me, so with her being who I have become acquainted with on a whole new level, this woman, his mother, went back to school herself to show him and I quote," If I could do it, You can do it!! You are a part of me Son, and that part I gave to you through me along with other parts, is working just fine". So yeah, now I am not looking at this beautiful woman any more, I am respecting viewing a person with substance that has taught me yet, another lesson on life. Well to help you out a bit, nothing went on beyond that moment or evening in terms on furthering anything on a surface level. I just wanted to acknowledge her to all of you, for the sake of paying it forward, and the sake of applauding her new arrival. But then again, there is a lesson in that moment, and though it may never seem like much later on to those that are now about to face her son that she showed this example to, 20 years from now, I will tell you what I feel can never be forgotten. This young man was taught something by someone that meant something to him. She did something about something, and made nothing something in every single way, and passed it on to many others. And just think, when I first seen this woman, I was not seeing her with the eye that is right above my nose. I was looking at the shell of the person, and when I met her physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually and heard her story, history was made and I proudly met the substance the shell is protecting. It almost reminded me of this woman I met long time ago that told me something that I have always remembered. We were not going out or anything like that, but found solace in each others company. But she told me that she is who she is, based on who she was and wants to become. She told me that to many, she may come off as cold, hard, snobbish, bitchy and more, and in many cases, it is a very accurate description of herself. It is her based on where she is at in her life, and the way she wants to spend it and with whom. But she said it is not something she is doing to harm, but what she wishes to represent in allowing the few that she allows inside of this heart, how big that heart is to them and what they may need. She seriously has a heart of gold that is protected by layers and layers of amour, and that shield will be protected by the same shield they just penetrated if they get in, and it wont be easy to get by. She stressed that those she loves, she loves deeply, not just like a lot or tolerates. And if you do gather and gain her love, it will be well worth the stay there if you can get inside. I think about that and the woman I just met and sometimes wonder what she really felt in our conversation, told me and will become after getting a dose of me. And not more times than I should or should not be thinking about it, I sometimes wonder, about things and moments like this
So now to the theory I want to write about (smile). Naw, I am just stretching right now, getting the kink out of my back, drinking a little bit of coffee, and thinking about changing this Moodsetter CD to go into another thought zone. Boo-Boo Kitty is passed out on the loveseat, and maybe instead of relaxing, I should start writing even faster. Lord knows when she wakes up, I will have my hands full. She is only a puppy, and has all of this energy to get rid of, and lucky me, I am the closet thing she has to spend it on. But man is she cute! She is a blonde haired Pomeranian with the face of a head-turner in South Beach on a summer day. But is not it a trip that she does not know anything materialistically about the man that feeds her daily and picks up her droppings when we go on walks. She just loves her Papi, and plays with me unconditionally out of love at the drop of a hat. But what kind of love is this that she has for me? Is it ignorant love or an unconditional one? Do only what matters to her is that I feed and cuddle her, or that all of the things she ignorantly has at her disposal as far a seeing a vet regularly, eating awesome food, grooming to keep her pretty and more, meaningless? Makes a person sit back and think, is she really stupid because she is ignorant to what matters, or extra smart because it in the end, does not matter at all? Maybe we as humans can learn about ourselves more through watching animals. Maybe they know what we do not or maybe do wish to learn what we are teaching. I tell everyone that speaks to me regularly that the most stimulating and enjoyable time in my life was when I was climbing the mountain, not when I reached it. To me, it is a lot like making love or romancing a person, not just being romantic. I have written before that to me, being romantic, is for an isolated time frame, and is driven by a motive or expectation. Being romanced is everlasting and permanently a brick in the foundation of love, life, communication and passion. For me, making love is a process of many little things that are forever climaxed individually in a recycling type of way, not as one big flash in the pan rush when just having sex. Now I did not always know this, and I am hoping that the couple I mentioned at first, either knows this or learns it along the way. You see, throughout my life, I have met and now reflect on who I was when I met all of these people, and who I am now in evaluating our existence and my part in creating whatever comes or came out of it. Even the people I have been recently been fortunate to meet, they are who they are based on what they envision and have gone through. Who am I to tell tem about me, and hope they understand the many scars that I have gone through. I mean how can I share or even accurately define my vision, when I can sometimes barely see it clear myself? How can I explain something when maybe, they or whomever hears my silently screaming voice, can or can not see or hear where I am at, and trying to go at this phase of my life, because they have their own life to live and figure out? I am not saying I cant or wont keep pushing forward, but I am aware that in some cases, even going back sometimes, allow you to see a little bit more so when you do go forward, your options are more abundant. Take Boo-Boo Kitty for instance, do you really think she thinks about roaming the streets begging for meals out of garbage cans, or does she relish living in a home that could harbor many of her-kind in multiple rooms on three floors in one of the most beautiful cities in The United States Of America? Do you really think she knows the difference, or does she and it does ,not really matter to her that she has got it like that!!. So in all reality, what is it all about? Is it all a bout me looking and viewing this cosmetically beautiful woman, to find a woman that is more beautiful on the inside? Is it about this young couple taking on the world, and facing it as a unit? Is it about my travels, love or Boo-Boo Kitty? What is it really all about? Is it about loving someone blindly, or ignorantly lusting after them with no knowledge on what you are looking for? I honestly get tired and deeply frustrated when people say, "Oh how lucky that you have this or that". I tell you like I tell everyone that will listen, I do not know it all, do not have it going on like that and I am trying to figure out all of this shit myself. All I can tell you is this, I just left that street over there (metaphorically), and what I seen there either steered me here or there and I do not need to go down that street any more unless I want what it had to offer me when I was there before. The right answer, yeah I got the right answer, not the correct one I think, because the right answer and living life is easy. All you need in my opinion is focus, dedication, knowledge and passion. Work hard, work even smarter, and place yourself in a position to best deal and cope with whatever comes your way, good, bad or in-different. Find a partner, establish a solid foundation and keep the lines of communication beyond open to close out the noise. Be willing to lose as much as you can win, and if by chance you do leave something behind, either kill it so it wont bother you later on, or help it so it can maybe help you later when what is trying to kill you, shows its face. What is it all about? That is the question I would like to put out there, because I do not have the correct answer. I have the right answer, the universal answer that is perceived on the surface, but I am not sure that is the correct answer. I think about that and the moment I just met and sometimes wonder what it really felt in our conversation, told me and will become after getting a dose of me. And not more times than I should or should not be thinking about it, I sometimes wonder, about things and moments like this.
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