I.E. Shush (LINK)
Favorite Links:
http://www.theoriesofthought.com
Recently I had the pleasure of encountering a gathering of gossiping gals, speaking about the other gender, in a not so tender way. I had just came back home early from a business trip, and had forgotten that my sister was using my house for one of her famous, " Girls Night Out". I guess everyone has these, I mean friends getting together and basically laying it all out there to vent, gain and share knowledge. An evening to just simply be yourself for a few hours with out a care in the world, with people you can trust and believe in to be themselves. I have days or nights like this with my boys, and if you don't with your friends, I highly advise it. It is stimulating, fun and very therapeutic. It is the males version of giving birth to me, and a way to self evaluate yourself from the outside in while speaking out about things internally. Anyway, as I walked in my doorway, or should I say accidentally barged in on this converted Hen House through the front door of my house, I got the look of Medusa from women making me feel like I'm not even welcomed in my own home. I quickly gained my senses, and placed my hands on my head, looked down and then up, mumbled and humbly said, " Oopps, My bad, I honestly forgot you guys were coming over tonight". Well as you can probably guess, I'm pretty much fucked right now. I have two choices, and both of them are not in my favor, so I'm basically picking my poison. As I stood there frozen, one of my sisters friends looked over her shoulder and said, " Well Mr. I'm In The Wrong Spot, since you messed up our female vibe and mode, you might as well fix us something to eat a drink since you're up. And while you're doing that, do whatever else you were going to do somewhere else, because this ain't your house right now, it is ours and you're a visitor". Okay pause for a minute and hear me out. I know this woman and have known her for a while, but I don't know anyone that well, to tell me what to do in my own house. I'm pretty much wanting to put my size 13 loafer somewhere the sun don't shine if you know what I mean, but then I quickly visualized 10 women, whipping my ass in my own living room, and repented that very thought. So yes, I did what any man would have done in this position and situation. I did the only thing any man in his right mind would do in his own house. I stood straight up, calmly put my bag down, took off my coat and tie, and asked each one, what would they like to eat and drink, and don't mind me, I'll be out of the way as soon as I can remember where the kitchen is.
So now here I am, playing Mr. Mom in my own house, to visitors that were acting like it was theirs. So while looking for an apron to put on, I'm making drinks like a bartender at a half empty club on a Tuesdays night. But in the process of doing this, I'm overhearing the married women, talking to the single ones about relationships and the opposite sex,
I.E....., me. Now just to clear things up, I'm definitely no where near a professional drink mixer, because I drink Johnnie Walker Blue Label straight, with no ice or chaser. So if you can imagine, there's a good chance, some of these women won't be driving home tonight if they have one of my Rum and Cokes and get me defending and started on the male bashing thing. Seriously, what I was hearing, was interesting, and beyond educational. This was the inside scoop if you're a man, and a rare chance to hear views from the other side, unconditionally. This was that stuff we think we know, but way off base because simply, we're men. They were saying what they like, how they like it and why. How they guided men to do what they want. Guide, not manipulate, but assist or guide to make things work for the both of them. I was now paying more attention to the words being said by each female, and couldn't swear or remember how much Rum I was actually pouring in these drinks I was somewhat mixing. They were basically saying the same things we men do, but in a different way. It was a trip. I mean imagine a kid wanting Top Ramen and Ketchup, and you the adult, Pasta and Marinara Sauce. I was doing my best not to ease drop on their conversation because I was taught to do that, was simply rude. So I basically stop trying to ease drop and did, and blended in the background, and pretended I was back in college taking notes in class. But this was better than class, because there were many teachers, teaching the same lessons differently in the same classroom. This was it. I hit the mother lode and knew it. So yes, I'm serving drinks and eats, and eating up all I can like a starving wolf from these Hens because hey, I like chicken.
As the drinks kept getting drank and lower, and me re-filling them to further fuel the fire, this one woman who was single, took the floor and started talking about her frustrations and displeasures. She was so mad, I thought she might have been gay or kin to one of my ex's. She seemed prime to settle down if she found the right man, but obviously,
had not. She was beautiful, smart, sexy and doing very well for herself. She wasn't rich or anything like that, but she was making it work with what she had, and surviving just fine on her own. But that's when I did plant my loafer somewhere I shouldn't have, in my own mouth, and the shoe polish needed some salt and pepper. I had did the unthinkable and spoke up and told her, Why survive, when you can live. Why did I do that? I felt like that guy on the E.F. Hutton commercial after I opened my big mouth. The room got quiet. I mean quiet!!! So quiet, you could have heard a mouse piss on cotton in the other room type of quiet. I had just made mistake number two, and knew it. I had just stepped in a pile of shit and walked across a white Burga Carpet for no reason. So, I stood up and tried to go back and make some more drinks, I was somewhat frozen in time. Now at this point, I was about to go make a few more Rums, with two Ice Cubes and a splash of Coke to dilute the damage, but was halted like a solider before I even thought about
taking my first step out of there. Nope, it was too late to go, because a lot was coming my way, and I could feel Ms. Tsunami before she blew her stack. Now, before I go on, fellas, you owe a guy for this one. Seriously guys, I'm taking one for the team on this one, so when you see me on the streets, just give me hand shake, pound or head nod, and keep stepping, because I might not be right in the head when you see me after this. And ladies, I'm not saying this is how all of you are, but on this evening, this is what went down. Okay, now that I said that, let me continue because yes, it was poppin' like a fresh bag of Orville Reddenbacker.
Now to show you how over matched I was, the first woman didn't even get a chance to speak, as they passed the baton in some secret women way to another female. Next up to bat, was Ms. Imma Rip-U-A-New-One. This woman told me, " Well Mr. Theory writer, what do you know about women?". She looked me straight in the eye and said, " Yeah, I've heard about you, seen you about town and know how you're living, but what do
you know about women besides the dam obvious?". Now think about it, I'm a pretty smart guy, and realize I've already messed up twice, so now, I'm basically shutting the hell up and taking my medicine even though I'm not sick. I looked over to Ms. Thang, looked at her glass to see how much she had drank, and contemplated a response. I looked back up at her and around the room to check out the other glasses and said, "Obviously nothing, according to you". She stood up and said Yes, finally, a man that's being a man. Someone that realized his place and is big enough to speak the truth". Now I would not have taken things that far, but once she start explaining things to me, I started to hear what she was really saying. Now fellas, this is for ya'll, so listen up. To sum it all up guys, she was basically saying that she is sick and tired of males that are boys, trying to be men, when they want to. She was saying that she does not want to be hard, firm and be distant. She wants to share, open up and trust someone, but those she has met and went out with, are too inconsistent, or basically, come and go when they should be staying and elevating. She was explaining how the male examples in her life were strong and handled their business, instead of the businesses handling them. How they put family first, and established a home base, where everything else, started from there. How todays men, are yester years boys. How the only thing you can count on, is not counting on them. She was talking about how she knows she doesn't know all of the answers, but then the guys she's been seeing, can not only not answer the things she does not know, but they forget what the question initially was or is. How she wanted a man that doesn't have a fly-bye night scam, but a life long strategy that may occur some impromptu changes along the way. She was going off, and I thought I was in church, because after every word, all you heard was, That is right. Thats right girl, you tell it like it is". Dam, after all of that Hoopin' & Hollarin', I was looking for the offering plate to pay my Tithe. These women were stirred up, and the pot wasn't even boiling yet. So that is when I sat my fat ass down, and took some more notes. I'm no dummy, as I blended into my room like furniture. This was gettin' good, and all I could think about was calling my friends and putting my cell phone on speaker so they could hear this. But I was frozen and didn't want to make mistake number three and strike out. So I'm just sitting, listening and absorbing. Taking one for the team.
So now after watching these women tag team the topic like their favorite wrestler on WWF or something, another one of my sisters friends went to another level in my two story house. She went sexual on us, and the things she hears from men trying to talk, not converse with her. I'm really juiced up now, because I'm trying to catch any and every bit of advice to up my technique and edge. Hey, you can never learn too much. Anyway, she was saying how this guy she was with sexually was asking her during sex, Was he the biggest, badest and best she had ever had". She said he was putting in work and trying his best like the little engine that thought and knew he could, going up the mountain. She said he was doing his best to be the best, but then she had enough of his talking, and had to break down and simply tell him, If you were and was the biggest, badest and best baby, you wouldn't have to ask because mama would sure be telling it to you". Okay, I'm tore up now. I'm seriously looking at all of this like I'm from another world. I start hearing that the same things we guys want are the exact same things women need, just differently. I don't know whether to stand up and applaud, or sit down and lightly clap my hands. She was talking about how she doesn't just want to be fucked, but how fucking desperate she was to being made love to. It kind of made me look into the mirror, and wonder how many women I've been with, tried to guide me, but I wasn't listening to what she was saying. I have to tell you, my mind was going to each extreme. I was thinking about my disregard for others, to how we could tape this and make a reality show. This was good stuff and I knew it. That's when I made mistake number three. This is when I didn't realize and respect my surroundings. This is what and why men and women are different. You see looking back, I would bet a dollar to a donut, that what transpired next, would not have happened if I was a woman. I'll bet cha anything on this one. Like my boy Jay says, Put a million on tha floor, whatever, let a nigga know what ya wanna wager". Instead of taking more notes and being quiet, I stood up and asked the woman," To further explain what she meant, because I wanted to fully understand what she was saying". Here we go again, I'm getting those looks and feeling like a stranger in my house again. They had forgotten I was there, and was basically talking around me. I blew it, blew my cover as an arm chair or lamp. I had let my team down and fumbled the ball on the one foot line. But as I was leaving the room from the instructions of the looks I was getting, and silence I was hearing, I had gained a little bit of knowledge and insight. I had gotten a chance to listen to women, talking about love and life, just like guys and men do in their own way. My perspective and perception
had now changed, but how could I share this knowledge and absorb the passion I was feeling while being in my house? How could I talk about women needs to men, when I'm a man trying to explain what I just learned from women in a brief period of time? I'm all messed up now, and feeling like I was just the featured actor in the Twilight Zone. So
basically fellas, that's all I learned, and I hope it helps a little. Wish I could have stayed a little bit longer, but hey, a little bit of something, is a lot better than a lot of nothing. Anyway, if you have a sister or female friend that has these Hen Parties, learn how to mix
drinks, and be quiet and listen to when females are talking. I.E...... Shush -
 Add Comments
|
|
