Theories of Thought - ADGere

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Theories of Thought - January 2008

About Last Night (LINK)

Favorite Links: www.theoriesofthought.com

While being mesmerize by the thought of being away from someone special last night, I took things as far as I could in conversing with them like never before. Our conversation started out light and natural, as we gradually elevated from the absence of being in each others arms. The seasons are now starting to change, as the winter weather reminds us of what we had not remembered it not being, but not forgotten. As I sat in my favorite chair, looking out of the French doors that lead to my balcony I noticed how they repelled the fog coming fresh off of the San Francisco bay and into my study. The air was calm. As the crackling of wood shot around my fireplace in a totally calm disarray. Between the physical distance of my love one and emotional closeness I was feeling on the phone, we started to find a medium and rhythm in the way we spoke to each other. I was wanting her to hear her tell me things, and her not knowing the need to tell them to me. We were not talking sexually, but intensely intimately. I was hoping that we were seeing each other, as I could only imagine , both of us closing our eyes and seeing a light in the darkness provided by our eyelids. We were anticipating each others next words, as we thought on why these things were starting to be said, I started feeling the chill in the air, as my body was starting to boil from the way she was touching me from a distance. I was frantically going through my mental and emotional Rolodex, to recall the last time I felt so eager and lusting to share this type of verbal love. I was missing my love one, and didn't realize how much until now. I was now feeling alone and lonely, because my day has been hectic as I now start to realize how calm I have not been before now. I was doing all that I could do to remember the many things I need to do today, as I thought about last night.

Now me being me, and loving who I have become over the years I am now wanting to be
someone else. I do not want to necessarily change or anything like that because of low self esteem, but I need to change. I want to change because with this person on mind body and soul, I feel and deeply believe that I can be a better me, if we can find out more about who we are apart, and who we can become together. Our conversation started out about our visions, our past experiences and choices made out of thought, not truly thought about. We spoke about how we have settled in the past, as we listened to each other about what we want for ourselves in the future. How out of desperation, we both compromised our own beliefs to only measure a temporary want against a permanent need. How we felt when we didn't or was not being touch in ways we know we needed. How we are non productive in the cycle that seems to spiral downward as we contribute to it as we go forward. Some how in this big wide wonderful world we found each other, and accompanied each other in lessons we learned, been taught and missed through life. I am not one that will ever claim to know it all, and to go even further than that, I am not even totally sure I fully understand the things I do know. But I am passionate about my beliefs, and do not really know for sure how to get where I want to go, but I know what I need to know in terms of not going where I have already been and do not want to end up. One would think our conversation was turning intellectual, but it was not. It was not sterile or based on anything that needed to be documented beyond this theory. But though it was not based on a persons IQ, it was beginning to get mentally stimulating. My mind became in unison with my heart and soul as we grew closer inside each letter that made up the words we spoke about last night.

Now to clue you in on something more visual, we were both feeling the elements of the changing seasons. We were both lying in comfortable clothes many miles away, as we were also removing the amour we have put on to protect us from the battles we face in our daily lives. I could hear her moving around on her couch or bed for the night, as she was struggling to get comfortable in our conversation. Our hands were slowly becoming a problem, as we desperately wanted to use them in stimulating ways besides holding the phone to our ears. Just like me, I am sure she was wishing she had more extremities, as I heard her voice soften and speech become more defined. I ask you the reader to imagine a kettle being slowly boiled, and my voice the utensil that is stirring the contents inside of the pot, which is her body. Her mind is both being both empty and filled, as her securities on how insecure she was before this moment shows the unknown. We are not fully needing each other right now, but wanting that specific need to go farther than it had ever gone before.I am still trying to recall a moment inn my life as I am listening to myself say things I have never remember wanting to say. I am begging for her to join me in this passion as she is only hearing me tell her to ask for what she deserves. Physically I am fully erect. My palms are sweating, eyes closed, heart and mind open to any and every thing it may take to please her while I am now standing on front of my chair. The conversation turns physical, because neither one of us knows how to maintain this force any other way. I am thanking the manufacturer of he telephone right now. I am thanking the many that made technology what they were, that we all take for granted. I am cursing the circumstance that are keeping us apart, but thanking my God for bringing her into my life. In all aspects I am wanting to join her and leave who I was before her behind. But still looking for reasons why this can not be real in aspects similar to this one. I am wanting to cry so I can place this emotion in a box and define it, and stand strong and silent to also show my manhood. I want to hear her moan and pant passionately for me, as I am taking her to a pedestal I have never been to before. I am tired, ever so hungry, frustrated and confident. I am not me anymore, but someone I have always admired in other I have cosmetically seen and mentally imagined. I am loving this woman that is far from just a female or gender or opposite of me, as I am writing and telling you about a conversation I had. So let me get back to the subject, and share with you about things last night.

Now as I write this to you right now, I wondering if many of you have ever had this feeling. Have ever you ever had it or ever experienced anything like this. If this still the honeymoon of an relationship, the efforts of working to have one, or the ingredients to take it far beyond one. I am wondering if this is what many are in search of, when they call those
1-900 numbers. Because if so I can see why those companies do very well and why many consistently call. I am feeling like a drug addicted that does not want to visit a rehab clinic or program, this feeling reminds me of the ripples of a pond once a rock enters into it. I am listening to my love make love to and through the phone, and taking it beyond sex. I am wanting to talk to her more, but needing to stay silent to ever sound she is making. My family, my friends and peers have witness the effects of these conversations, because
my actions are now becoming more like this moment I am describing. My money, my struggles, my scars and premier parts are not important anymore, because I have been rehearsing for this moment my entire life. This moment, that will spawn many more is like a child that I must be careful not to spoil. A child I can not shelter, but guide in my own ignorance because it is also something new to me, I want to mentally cum with out having an emotional orgasm. I want to have sex while making love in every fashion. I want to eat or while being eaten and stave myself so I will stay hungry for more of what she is feeding me. I want to tell her how I like things, but I need her to secure me without saying a word. You may think I am talking about many things and in many ways I am, but I need to tell you
more about last night today, so that tomorrow will be better than yesterday right now.

So as I got off the phone, I felt a void and fulfillment at the same time. I know I found something special, but wonder what has found me does it feel the same way. For I am only part of the solution and only half of the whole, I am searching deep within, in seeing the surface of my life again, for the first time. I am a leader that is following, and following was leading me to something that was greater than myself. All that I have learned is teaching me so much right now. What I have now, what I have not had in the past and how much I do not know about what I thought I did, is drawing me closer to my magnet of love. I want to call her back, but need for her to confirm me with the same effort. I want to control this feeling I am having, but soon come to the realization that I ca not control something that is affecting me. But why am I feeling so powerful in this vulnerable state? I am not afraid of losing this feeling, but more afraid of it losing me inside of it and its affect on me. This feeling is empowering. Its magnetic, euphoric and more. But how can I share this state of desperation without coming across, desperate or needy? Am I that weak that I am dependant this and her so much? What would and will my friends think? What will she think if she finds out or I tell her? I am not a basket or charity case, and I wont beg for her to love me! I can get anyone I want, but is that what I really need? Why would I want anything else, if is not what I have now? I have always craved this type of love, and now I am fighting it against myself. Should I hide from what has found me, or dilute what has been so potent in creating such a feeling? I am also pondering what poison should I take. Is it better to have lived without this type of love, or die with it? For like the song poetically states in its verse, If loving you is wroing, I do not wanna be right. I have cried so many painful tears, that it is about time I shed a few out of joy. If she looses any respect for me telling her how I am really feeling, then she does not and will never respect me as the man I am becoming from this love. Am I properly promoting what I need to provide, or allowing what I think is right to be wrong all of the times I have not promoted it, I am recalling each sentence, each movement, each word and letter that brought upon this feeling through our conversation. I am feeling warm in the fog, and seeing things more clear, every time I close my eyes. I know I am experiencing a one in a million episode, but now wanting to know the odds in Las Vegas on such a thing. I have become someone I have always wanted to be without needing to be someone else. I wish I could go further and truly write about and clearly explain what has happened to me. I only hope you understand what I am talking about today while I write about last night -