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There are so many renovation and gardening shows here in Australia and I am so over them. I feel like I should defy all these "designer" gardeners and yuppie "interior decorators" and paint my room purple and then furnish it with salvation army castoffs just to piss them off. But I have come up with something original, something all these doyens of house fashion have not thought of............the designer toilet.
If you have ever had dreams of living by the sea but know it will never be within your financial reach there is a way around it. Why not have a seaside toilet. Put on your cossie, scatter a bit of sand around the floor and put a shell up against your ear as you soak in the sights of soothing marine life while you do your business.
Are you a working woman? Time poor? There is a solution to the next time you feel like you'll have to wear a catheter because you just don't have time to find the nearest dunny...........take it with you. This little shithouse travels with you and you can excercise at the same time.
Now you may think this next piece of bathroom artwork is for hostage situations only, but you would be wrong. It is the perfect solution for all you mums who are fed up with toilet training those toddlers that just refuse to stop leaving skiddies on thier undies. Chain the little buggers to the toilet until they get the drift. It won't take them long to realise that leaving shitty undies for you to wash and not wanting to interupt playtime to do "wee wee" is not acceptable.
There is even a solution to those space problems for those of you that could use that extra room for a linen closet. Put the toilet on the balcony !!. Why not free up some space and enjoy the view as well?. No-one on the ground will have any idea that while your waving hello to them you are disposing of waste at the same time.
If your take your religion seriously and need to find a peaceful place for those daily talks to god why not try this design. You could even place a glass of wine and some bread nearby and take communion at the same time.
This is pefect for any of you with unfaithfull husbands. I guarentee he will never stray again........of course this little number means he won't be of much use to you either but at least he will be yours alone.
And last but not least something for the little woman. Be hygenic and adventurous at the same time. You'll never have a better time washing your hands.
I am sure like me everybody contemplates about the things they would love to do if they could go back in time. Most people will tell you they wouldn't change a thing or that they have no regrets, but if I am honest there are things I should have, could have done that I regret. Not in a sad way but in a whimsical way.
Of course there is still time to do a few of these things, and maybe one day I will. If only we had the confidence and fearlessness we gain with age I wonder how different our lives would be.
My wishes and hopes would be these:
To play the violin. Although I listened to endless amounts of music growing up I didn't listen to a violin until I was much older and it spoke to my soul. I don't know why but when a musician plays the violin it stirs my emotions more than any other instrument, it always sounds so sad and beautiful.
I wish I would have spent hours and hours painting and being creative with my son Evan as he was growing up instead of worrying about doing the dishes. I loved to draw as a little girl and creativity is so important for children.
I wish I would have dropped everything and set off to see the world. I would have loved to spend a few years exploring quaint churches and castles, seeing the green of Ireland and the tombs in Egypt.
To have had the nerve to get up and sing and audition for some amateur theatre, how I would have loved to be in a show. I thrive in any musical environment, I just love to sing and I love musicals. Unfortunately I never had the confidence to try.
To be myself as a teenager and not try so hard to fit in with the "popular Kids". I was much more intelligent than I pretended to be and could have achieved so much more if I wasn't so worried about impressing my peers..........but I think this could be said of
most teens.
And so these are a few of my favourite things (excuse the pun). Maybe I will still get to do a few of them and it's good to still have some dreams. I wonder what yours are?
How could women ever doubt the wisdom of a man? All through history the male of the species has proved how insightful, how intelligent, how very very superior they are. Where would all the helpless women of lower intellect be without their world changing inventions and ideas, the wheel, aircraft, the telephone, the theory of relativity, the wandering womb !!!
Yes..........you heard right, a womb that wanders, excuse me for a moment while I laugh hysterically. Okay I'm back. Somewhere back in old Rome the medical leaders sat around in their togas and came up with the solution to all our womanly woes.
According to these medical marvels the womb was not a stationary object but moved freely around a womans body.How cute, a womb that goes walkabout. There are symptoms for the walkabout womb, shortness of breath (the little bugger has probably crawled up near your throat, thereby cutting off your air), stomach cramps (I am thinking this happens when it is making its way to your throat and shoves your stomach out of the way), and deep sleep (my theory is the womb has travelled father than intended and is all tuckered
out).
Here are the facts according to the medicos of togaland
In women, in the hollow of the body below the ribcage, lies the womb. It is very much like an independent animal within the body for it moves around of its own accord and is quite erratic. Furthermore, it likes fragrant smells and moves toward them, but it dislikes foul doors and moves away from them
When it suddenly moves upward [i.e., toward a fragrant smell] and remains there for a long time and presses on the intestines, the woman chokes, in the manner of an epileptic, but without any spasms. For the liver, the diaphragm, lungs and heart are suddenly confined in a narrow space. And therefore the woman seems unable to speak or to breathe. In addition, the carotid arteries, acting in sympathy with the heart, compress, and therefore heaviness of the head, loss of sense perception, and deep sleep occur
Disorders caused by the uterus are remedied by foul smells, and also by pleasant fragrances applied to the vagina
Medical Writings 2.11.1-3
I really like the information about the hollow below the ribcage. If I am right in my calculations this means that my womb is underneath my lungs (well, when it's not wandering) which means my fanny should be where my navel lies. Oh, and the foul smell theory that can be solved by putting flowers on your fanny??? Next time your womb decides to go on vacation, go outside and straddle your garden, that should lure the little sucker back home.
Your going to LOVE the solution to hysteria that medical men came up with........Pelvic massage. This entailed manual stimulation of the anterior wall of the vagina by the doctor until the patient experienced "hysterical paroxysm", (I am thinking this might be a fancy word for orgasm). So I will leave all of you females to digest all these brilliant deductions and work out exactly where your womb is and come back tomorrow with the ongoing saga of the wandering womb, hysteria and hysterical paroxysm. There is much much more to learn about our bodies and how they work, and I think I may be able to provide the answers.
World leaders take note, you are not managing your wars correctly. Where is the propaganda we need to make us realise how evil the enemy is? Leaders of the past knew how to terrify the public with messages of hate and paranoia and here is how they did it
All areas of life on the home front were covered to fight the enemy as well, they knew that driving alone was a danger to mankind
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It's time to get sassy, brush up on Burlesque and take a trip back to the 40's with The Velvet Set at this years Gangster's Ball. Back by popular demand, last years Ball was a sellout enjoyed by young and old. It's impossible to go to one of The Velvet Set's shows and not have a good time.
Be transported back to a time when burlesque was one of the most popular forms of entertainment
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The law is an ass. In the case of these laws from around the world I think an Ass may have come up with them. If you bitch and whine about the laws of the land have a look at some of these wise guidelines to being a good citizen.
ALASKA
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This week in Sydney saw a mother charged with gross neglect of her eight children receive a suspended sentence in court. This 33 year old piece of trailer trash left her kids on their own while she left to chase her internet lover. Her 15 year old was given $150.00 dollars to feed them while she was off meeting the dreg of her dreams and did not give it a second thought. In fact in court she told the judge "I never get a break from them". The kids were found in squalor, putrid and uninhabitable conditions and the two youngest were found running around the front yard in only nappies. Here is some pics of the disgusting mess these innocent kids were left to live their lives in while their excuse for a mother was off chasing some sex.
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Ever spray painted your dog? Ever have thoughts of buying spot his very own hairdryer and makeup? No................
Why not? While our dogs sit around the yard depressed because they are having a bad hair day there are others that are primped and preened beyond belief. Yes it's the show dogs of the world who are coloured, made up and groomed to within an inch of their luxurious lives.
Then there is the very height of culture, the children's beauty pageants where they are groomed in much the same way. I am thinking that the two should be combined and we can send all the little beauty queens strutting down the runway attached to a lookalike show dog.
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Because I really don't like the idea of my demise I am hoping that with any luck ghosts are real, and I come back as a pretty one. There are a lot of people out there in spookyland that really believe in ghosts and there is even a museum to prove their point. I came across this very interesting website today, and even though I am not sure what I believe as far as anything supernatural is concerned I found it fascinating.
Among the exhibits there is a display of Haunted Dolls. These would be the perfect gift for the child you really don't like.
The first is a lovely little dolly by the name of Joliet and her story reaches back over four generations. She was handed down from mother to daughter and each daughter had two children, a son and a daughter. Each son died at 3 days old and people believe the souls of the sons inhabit the doll and apparently can be heard crying in the night with the voices of several infants.
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It must be great to be born beautiful. But for all of us that were not blessed with a face to stop men breathing, and the rest of us that need to wear a shroud from the neck down, I may have found your chance to shine. There are quests out there girls, quests for the the unusual, quests for the fat and quests for the unwanted. Here is your chance to show those boys who woofed at you as you walked down the street and the popular girls that took up a collection for your plastic surgery that you are beautiful just as you are.
The first is THE MISS JUMBO pageant, now this is right down my alley girls. It is held in Thailand as part of their Jumbo Banquet Elephant Feast (whatever that is) and the lucky chubby that wins is selected on her ability to represent the best characteristics of an elephant, how charming !!
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Comment by the world of gaye
on SIT BACK AND RELAX
batty
Family Madness
bright lights greedy city
REFLECTIONS
THE WINDMILLS OF MY MIND
yes I like the cruel ones.............they appeal to my evil side.
And as far as the keypad is concerned above the seaside setting I am thinking maybe it's whale noises.