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July 15th 2008 00:23
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Smiling is a Funny Thing
June 12th 2008 02:03
I don’t smile as much as I used to. And its not because I’m ashamed of my smile or anything. Its not that at all. I just don’t find that many things to smile about anymore. The concept of smiling is not foreign or anything and is everywhere around me. No matter if I am alone, someone is always smiling. Even when I am sleeping, there is someone in my dreams flashing their pearly whites. Sources of smiles are everywhere and its almost impossible to escape them. Life never stops and is often filled with humorous instances. If you can’t take pleasure in the small things, then life is a lot longer, right? Someone once told me that, probably several times. One of these days I will listen to them.
Now I know that smiling has a degree of subconscious healing power, so I try and incorporate it into my life on a regular basis. I mean, I have the ability to smile. All the muscles that allow me to smile work quite well, actually. I used to smile all the time, so I know how to do it. At least, I think I know how to do it. I think I still know how to smile. I haven’t practiced in a while, but am sure I could still smile. So why don’t I smile? Why can’t I smile? Is there something wrong with me?
I just feel this weight on me, all the time. My cheeks are bricks and do their part in smile prevention. My heart hurts most of the time. I found a little more of it on the floor this morning; I’m not sure how it got there. When I wake up in the afternoon, because facing a full day is a dreadful thought, I hope there are clouds in the sky and a chill in the air. Simply put, I like it when my environment matches how my soul feels. I like it when I can wear a pair of comfortable jeans and a jacket. Covering up my body makes me feel protected; it makes me feel insulated and a little detached from the world. Foolish, I know, but it’s the little things that help get me by.
I know I don’t stand up straight. Once I was told this is because I am “carrying the weight of the world” on my shoulders, whatever that means. I think its up for interpretation. My eyes don’t sparkle like they used to, either. A lot of the time I feel worn down. I put on a brave face, which seems to be working, but it’s a lie. I don’t pride myself on being a good liar. Except I am a professional because I live one. Too bad the pay isn’t that great. Its really meager, to tell you the truth. Sometimes it costs me money. I’ve tried to quit, but have not successfully done so for any lengthy period of time.
I don’t smile as much as I used to. I would love nothing more than to feel the presence of one. Trying to smile just isn’t quite the same. I hope one day I will again smile freely. Needless to say, I am not holding my breath for that to happen. Is there something wrong with me? I feel that there is. I know that there is. Everyday I try and get better. Everyday is another day gone. Everyday is another day lost. I’m tired of always losing. I don’t want to lose anymore.
I am but one voice on this earth. A voice that will never be given another chance at living. I should really start using it, huh? Here I will share with you what I know and what I believe to be true. I will share my experiences in hopes that I may grow and learn from them. I will speak only the truth. I will share my pain and joy, my loss and hope, my grief and elation, my anger and peace. I will share my suffering. I will share my life. I am a voice of many things. I am a voice of depression. Welcome to my journey.
Now I know that smiling has a degree of subconscious healing power, so I try and incorporate it into my life on a regular basis. I mean, I have the ability to smile. All the muscles that allow me to smile work quite well, actually. I used to smile all the time, so I know how to do it. At least, I think I know how to do it. I think I still know how to smile. I haven’t practiced in a while, but am sure I could still smile. So why don’t I smile? Why can’t I smile? Is there something wrong with me?
I just feel this weight on me, all the time. My cheeks are bricks and do their part in smile prevention. My heart hurts most of the time. I found a little more of it on the floor this morning; I’m not sure how it got there. When I wake up in the afternoon, because facing a full day is a dreadful thought, I hope there are clouds in the sky and a chill in the air. Simply put, I like it when my environment matches how my soul feels. I like it when I can wear a pair of comfortable jeans and a jacket. Covering up my body makes me feel protected; it makes me feel insulated and a little detached from the world. Foolish, I know, but it’s the little things that help get me by.
I know I don’t stand up straight. Once I was told this is because I am “carrying the weight of the world” on my shoulders, whatever that means. I think its up for interpretation. My eyes don’t sparkle like they used to, either. A lot of the time I feel worn down. I put on a brave face, which seems to be working, but it’s a lie. I don’t pride myself on being a good liar. Except I am a professional because I live one. Too bad the pay isn’t that great. Its really meager, to tell you the truth. Sometimes it costs me money. I’ve tried to quit, but have not successfully done so for any lengthy period of time.
I don’t smile as much as I used to. I would love nothing more than to feel the presence of one. Trying to smile just isn’t quite the same. I hope one day I will again smile freely. Needless to say, I am not holding my breath for that to happen. Is there something wrong with me? I feel that there is. I know that there is. Everyday I try and get better. Everyday is another day gone. Everyday is another day lost. I’m tired of always losing. I don’t want to lose anymore.
I am but one voice on this earth. A voice that will never be given another chance at living. I should really start using it, huh? Here I will share with you what I know and what I believe to be true. I will share my experiences in hopes that I may grow and learn from them. I will speak only the truth. I will share my pain and joy, my loss and hope, my grief and elation, my anger and peace. I will share my suffering. I will share my life. I am a voice of many things. I am a voice of depression. Welcome to my journey.
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