Death from above
September 22nd 2009 01:21
Australia is known to harbour a wide variety of deadly creatures. Nowhere is safe. Venomous snakes lurk under every bush, deadly spiders crawl into your mouth while you sleep and give birth to live young. Monstrous sharks cruise the waters off every beach waiting for drunk European backpackers to stumble into the water. Enormous crocodiles silently slide through the rivers and swamps, occasionally upsetting dinghies and feasting on the luckless occupants or crawling into campsites and dragging people screaming from their tents. Packs of slathering Dingoes break into nurseries and rip the heads off babies... the list goes on. When I first set foot in this fair land, I was understandably cautious about venturing into the countryside for fear of meeting a sudden death at the hands of one of these myriad beasts. To my amazement, I found the Aussie bush a pleasant place... Kangaroos hopped around in an unconcerned fashion and the ground was not writhing with poisonous serpents as I had been led to believe. Flocks of beautiful birds - Parrots, Cockatoos and Galahs filled the air with the swooshing of their pretty wings. Ahhhh, what bliss!
But what is that bird over yonder? That handsome black and white fellow with the long beak and the gurgling cry? Why, it looks like a sort of Magpie! "Good day to you sir!" I call out, doffing my hat as I ride by on my bicycle - upon which the creature immediately launches itself at my face like a missile and drives its pick-axe like beak into my soft skull. "What is this?" I cry, in surprise and fear - for the winged foe is upon me again, this time swooping out of the air like a Stuka dive-bomber as I weave desperately around the road in a futile attempt to evade its clutches.
Dear readers, meet Gymnorhina tibicenor or the Australian Magpie. Not the first creature that springs to mind of when compiling a list of Australia's Deadliest Creatures (and who hasn't?) but on a day to day basis, probably the animal most like to inflict fear and injury on the average person going about their daily business. Cyclists seem to be especially popular targets for Magpie aggression; Something about our lurid clothing or perhaps the light glancing off our expensive carbon componentry drives them into a violent frenzy. Occasionally walkers, joggers etc get a similar treatment, but it seems to be cyclists that suffer the worst. To be fair to the feathery assailants, they are merely defending their young from potential harm. But that doesn't help when you are being repeatedly struck about the head by an enraged bird, apparently bent on your destruction.
What is to be done to avoid this nightmare, I hear you ask? Well, the options are limited. The most obvious is to avoid riding alone... Magpies seem put off by larger groups of cyclist, and there is the old adage of safety in numbers, meaning that by riding in a group you reduce the odds of being singled out for aggression. Secondly, avoid the bush. The more trees around, the more magpies lurking therein, and thus a greater chance of avian assault. Ride on urban and suburban roads only - I hasten to add that you are still not entirely safe here, but there are a lot more people around and some other unlucky soul may be victimised, in which case your role is merely to ride by while laughing maniacally at their misfortune. Urban Magpies also seem a bit more blase about the presence of humans in their territory, further reducing the chances of attack.
Whatever you choose to do, what you must absolutely NOT DO at any cost is attach zip ties, or paint eyes on the back of your helmet. These countermeasures are adopted by some peripheral members of society who foolishly value safety over style... they are the same sort that wear those luminous Hi-Vis safety vests, have a rear view mirror attached to their handlebars and sport abnormally hirsute legs. Regardless of how effective the zip ties etc may be, you will look like a complete cockhead. Your cycling chums will shun you, complete strangers will fall about laughing and pointing. Women will find you repulsive. You will begin to smell of old socks and urine and your penis will shrink, before finally dropping off altogether. Ultimately you will die alone and no one will shed a tear for you. With this in mind, its probably better to suffer the indignity of the odd swooping Magpie than the complete social isolation, castration and lonely demise that will result if you insist on attaching absurd ornaments to your helmet.
You have been warned.
But what is that bird over yonder? That handsome black and white fellow with the long beak and the gurgling cry? Why, it looks like a sort of Magpie! "Good day to you sir!" I call out, doffing my hat as I ride by on my bicycle - upon which the creature immediately launches itself at my face like a missile and drives its pick-axe like beak into my soft skull. "What is this?" I cry, in surprise and fear - for the winged foe is upon me again, this time swooping out of the air like a Stuka dive-bomber as I weave desperately around the road in a futile attempt to evade its clutches.
Dear readers, meet Gymnorhina tibicenor or the Australian Magpie. Not the first creature that springs to mind of when compiling a list of Australia's Deadliest Creatures (and who hasn't?) but on a day to day basis, probably the animal most like to inflict fear and injury on the average person going about their daily business. Cyclists seem to be especially popular targets for Magpie aggression; Something about our lurid clothing or perhaps the light glancing off our expensive carbon componentry drives them into a violent frenzy. Occasionally walkers, joggers etc get a similar treatment, but it seems to be cyclists that suffer the worst. To be fair to the feathery assailants, they are merely defending their young from potential harm. But that doesn't help when you are being repeatedly struck about the head by an enraged bird, apparently bent on your destruction.
What is to be done to avoid this nightmare, I hear you ask? Well, the options are limited. The most obvious is to avoid riding alone... Magpies seem put off by larger groups of cyclist, and there is the old adage of safety in numbers, meaning that by riding in a group you reduce the odds of being singled out for aggression. Secondly, avoid the bush. The more trees around, the more magpies lurking therein, and thus a greater chance of avian assault. Ride on urban and suburban roads only - I hasten to add that you are still not entirely safe here, but there are a lot more people around and some other unlucky soul may be victimised, in which case your role is merely to ride by while laughing maniacally at their misfortune. Urban Magpies also seem a bit more blase about the presence of humans in their territory, further reducing the chances of attack.
Whatever you choose to do, what you must absolutely NOT DO at any cost is attach zip ties, or paint eyes on the back of your helmet. These countermeasures are adopted by some peripheral members of society who foolishly value safety over style... they are the same sort that wear those luminous Hi-Vis safety vests, have a rear view mirror attached to their handlebars and sport abnormally hirsute legs. Regardless of how effective the zip ties etc may be, you will look like a complete cockhead. Your cycling chums will shun you, complete strangers will fall about laughing and pointing. Women will find you repulsive. You will begin to smell of old socks and urine and your penis will shrink, before finally dropping off altogether. Ultimately you will die alone and no one will shed a tear for you. With this in mind, its probably better to suffer the indignity of the odd swooping Magpie than the complete social isolation, castration and lonely demise that will result if you insist on attaching absurd ornaments to your helmet.
You have been warned.
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