The Vegetable that urinates on itself
December 21st 2011 03:28
This is quite a sad story, even though it is quite entertaining.
Once upon a time, a man called Trent (name changed) lived at the Zoo.
At first everything seemed fine. Trent was ex-Navy, had a nice car and was studying a sociobiology degree.
Then he started to sleep in his room, allot. The whole house began smelling really bad. Not just in a fermented cat piss and baked dog crap kind of way, which is usually how the place smells. Imagine, if you will, the foulest smelling urine sample ever collected. Then imagine the sample being strained through some beef intestines. Even with that image in mind, the smell wouldn't quite do this description justice. The entire house smelled like this.
Trent, aka: "The Vegetable that urinates on itself", would stumble down the hall in an alcoholic stupor and relieve him self in the toilet. This would be accompanied by the sounds of "Errrrrhhhhhhhh" and "Arrrhhhhhhhh". Of course he would usually get just as much around the toilet as in the toilet, so the bathroom would smell just as bad.
His room though smelt even worse. He would often be asleep when I left the house early in the morning and would be in bed when I came home. He would often drink so much alchol, that he would urinate himself whilst laying in bed. Instead of changing the sheets or washining himself, he would just lay there. He was just like a vegetable, who would occasinally make some noise and then piss himself. Hence the title, The Vegetable That Urinates On Himself
One night I came home to find him in a most unusual situation. This is the best way I can explain it: Imagine if someone was sitting in a chair. Then imagine somehow that someone had the following joints frozen in place-knees, feet, hips. Now picture them ejected out of their seat forward onto the floor, with all their joints frozen in place. In this position, I found the Vegetable That Urinates on Himself when I came home one night. To top all of this off, he urinated and vomited on himself.
When I first came in, I saw him in this position. I said a quick "Hi" and went to my room. After a while I hear him crying. He begins to move down the hall towards my room. I go to the bathroom and on the way bump into the Vegetable That Urinates On Himself (VTUOH). The man approaches me. He is breathing heavily, has sweat all over his face, vomit down his front and he has wet his pants.
"Mitch, could I have a drink plee......." The question trails off as he realises I am not the other flat mate. The kinder one who will fetch him an alcoholic beverage.
"I'm not Mitchell"
"Do you know when he will be back?"
"No, idea"
I go back to my room to watch some TV. Forty minutes pass and I hear him crying again. Then he starts his calling out for a drink.
"Can I have a drink please?!!!" he says this in a volume that would wake people in the next town.
"Please!!!!!"
"Just one drink to calm my nerves, PLEASE!!!!"
"CAN YOU GET ME A DRINK PLEASE?"
"DID YOU NOT HEAR ME?, JUST ONE DRINK PLEASE"
This goes on for quite some time. At first I try to ignore him. Then I turn the volume on the TV up really loud. He cries himself to sleep and the noise stops for a while. Then he wake up and continues his rambling.
"Can I have a drink please?"
Instead of ignoring him, I decide to answer him.
"No you can't. You've been bad"
"I've been bad?"
"Yeah you've been really naughty"
"Well can I have a drink please"
"No, you've drunk everything"
"What about the wine coolers I bought from the store?"
"No you drunk all of them too"
A moments silence here as VTUOH formulates his next answer.
"Fair enough, .......Fair enough" comes the reply.
The rest of the night was pretty quiet. However, those were the exception
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