Disgraced whistleblower David Hordwallop made a shock announcement today: he saw Julia Galliard kissing someone not her partner, Tim Mathieson. David claims to have seen Julia and he unnamed man, in a tree and they were, in David’s words, “K I S S I N G.”
Political experts have comment on what this will mean for Gillard’s political future: “usually, in these circumstances, this phase of the relationship can go quite quickly. This phase, referred to as ‘Love’ can progress easily into the next phase, ‘Marriage’. Of course, Julia and marriage are not easy bedfellows. But even more controversially, the third phase of the process is possible the biggest political liability. Babies sitting on a carriage could hinder her for years.”
National Party shadow minister of the subjugation of women, Neil Parason condemned the action. “Adultery really shows how Gillard pisses all over traditional values. I mean really, what could be more of a threat to the family unit then adultery committed by a woman?”
Gillard denies the claim saying: “Boy are like totally gross,” while red cheeked. It should be noted that David Hordwallop has been largely discredited as a reliable witness after suggesting that ‘Julia Bishop smells,’ when in fact, as we all know, she smells lovely.
Early today, John Duncan proposed a private member’s bill that would restrict access of boobs in parliament. Mr Duncan said: “They are distracting. And while they are in our face, we will not be able to concentrate on the important issues.” Mr Duncan said that millions of tax payer’s dollars have gone “down the drain” with members of parliament just fixated on those round pillows of joy. “We can not afford this waste.”
A study by Australian Nation University researcher, Joan Phillips, found that at least 46% of women have breasts, and potentially, the number could be much higher. With the study in mind, the opposition raised concerns that this, unfairly, targets women. In reply, Mr Duncan, a rather fit individual, said, “Male breasts are just as distracting--- but for different reasons,” he added quickly. “In any case, women, of course can be members, just not their breasts, their glorious beasts. And some compromises can be reached. Old, saggy breasts may have an exception, for example. I do not find them as distracting, though you still have to look at them.”
In what some commentators are calling a political move, the Greens Tasmanian senator, Joy Matheson, proposed a ‘no members’ private members bill. When Mr Duncan was questioned about it, he said, “That’s just silly.”
The bill was going to be voted on next month, but an administration error has left it off the agenda. When asked why the proper forms were not filed, Mr Duncan could only say, “I was, um, distracted.”
The Minister for Condiments and Snacks was ropable today as the minority government failed to pass the first bill introduced in parliament last week. It was proposed that the government provide a bowl filled with five apples for the common room in parliament house and that each day they refill the bowl. It was blocked by both the opposition and Rob Oakeshott.
Oakeshott had supported the bill initially, but said he did not realised that it would only contain apples. When asked if he would support the bill, he said, “really, we need, not only apples, but bananas, oranges, pineapples…” twenty minutes later he said he would not.
The opposition labelled the proposed spending as “reckless.” The shadow minister for Condiments and Snacks said, “We just can’t afford this. We are at record levels of debt. And not only would the tax payer have to pay the $1.78 for the apples, but it would have cost $13.00 for the bowl itself.”
There is now doubt about the ‘change the tin of instant coffee to those fancy instant cappuccino sticks that froth up’ bill to be debated on the floor in a few weeks.
September 20th 2010 04:28
Are you tired of politics? Are you sick of being lied too? Do you want to shoot yourself when you hear "working families"? Do you vote? Do you want to stand out from the crowd? Do you like red meat? Are you happy with your job? What did you think of Clash of the Titans? No, the old one? What about Batman the TV series? Do you eat oranges? How about apples? Bananas? Do you live in a house, a flat or a cardboard box? Do you like sex with random strangers? (If yes) what is your number? Are you still expecting a point to be made?
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