Why I feel dysfunctional.
April 14th 2010 17:28
I'm not the person I want to be. I'm 25 and I feel a failure. I know my family would knock the sense into me if they heard me say that. My daughter is two this year; so despite any feelings of underachievement I may have I cannot deny that she was the best love to ever come into my life.
Since Madison was born I have spent moments alone thinking of the impact my own father had on me and what his abscence ultimately made of me. Because I believe that my life is now so unbalanced having lived so unorthodox a childhood.
My father left my mother when I was 3. She was pregnant with my brother at the time. I saw my dad regularly until I was 15. When I was 4 my mother met my stepfather, and he became like a real father to me. I called him dad, and bought fathers' day presents for him every year. He and my mum divorced when I was 14. Over the next 5 years I knew only come and go posers who made me appreciate my father and stepfather even more. While my mother was and still is loving, some of her judgements when it came to men were baffling. These losers weren't my father; they didn't know me and what made me the person I am. They were immature in some cases, a drug user in one case, and simply suspicious in another. Now mum has been with the same man for 7 years. He hates me, and that draws me deeper into my darkness. I know that if she had have been with my father still I would never have developed this doubt. I know that if they had have stuck together he wouldn't have let a policeman assault me when I was 19. He wouldn't have made me ashamed of my heritage, but instead would have told me to embrace my origins. My stepfather especially, encouraged my creativity, and would never have dismissed my dreams as unreachable. They would have both encouraged me as I will encourage and love my own daughter. Because children need someone who knows them and understands them. It's no surprise that most violent abuse towards children
is at the hands of de facto parents and one week stand losers. Men who arrive and leave, along with their dirty laundry and smutty minds. Men who have not a quarter the integrity and substance that comes with being a father.
Since Madison was born I have spent moments alone thinking of the impact my own father had on me and what his abscence ultimately made of me. Because I believe that my life is now so unbalanced having lived so unorthodox a childhood.
My father left my mother when I was 3. She was pregnant with my brother at the time. I saw my dad regularly until I was 15. When I was 4 my mother met my stepfather, and he became like a real father to me. I called him dad, and bought fathers' day presents for him every year. He and my mum divorced when I was 14. Over the next 5 years I knew only come and go posers who made me appreciate my father and stepfather even more. While my mother was and still is loving, some of her judgements when it came to men were baffling. These losers weren't my father; they didn't know me and what made me the person I am. They were immature in some cases, a drug user in one case, and simply suspicious in another. Now mum has been with the same man for 7 years. He hates me, and that draws me deeper into my darkness. I know that if she had have been with my father still I would never have developed this doubt. I know that if they had have stuck together he wouldn't have let a policeman assault me when I was 19. He wouldn't have made me ashamed of my heritage, but instead would have told me to embrace my origins. My stepfather especially, encouraged my creativity, and would never have dismissed my dreams as unreachable. They would have both encouraged me as I will encourage and love my own daughter. Because children need someone who knows them and understands them. It's no surprise that most violent abuse towards children
is at the hands of de facto parents and one week stand losers. Men who arrive and leave, along with their dirty laundry and smutty minds. Men who have not a quarter the integrity and substance that comes with being a father.
| 41 |
| Vote |
Add Comments
