So the last time I posted I was on the verge of attempting to reconnect with someone I had dated because I was getting a terrible case of the 'what-ifs'.
So what happened? Did I make contact?If so, what the hell was the outcome?

I did make contact. Quite poetically I wished him a happy birthday and with that I was free of the 'what-ifs'. I felt that a weight was lifted, I could go on with my life knowing that I had put an end to the doubt of what could have been........

That feeling lasted all of 20 minutes when I got a response. A polite response, along the lines of thank you so much for the wishes and I hope you are well.

To be clear, the message I sent was a simple Happy Birthday... There was no need to respond, I didn't pepper the message with a question in anticipation of forcing a response as so many women have been known to do. I truly sent the message of with the thought that it has been that long, there will be no response and I am gooooood with that... I can in all good conscience write this guy off.

I responded after some consideration that this was a polite brush off but, may have also been an attempt of thank god she messaged me... Again a polite thank you response after again wishing him happy birthday and asking no questions. Done! Polite brush off it is, I am cool with that, all done and dusted, no more bidders, sold..Brush off it is.

Or so I thought.

Last weekend, which is a good 4 weeks after the polite exchange of birthday wishes and thank you's, I (shame of all shames) signed up for an internet dating site. After completely a lengthy questionnaire that apparently determines my personality type to ensure that the best possible matches are put forward for my consideration I get my matches.
7 in total. INCLUDING THE BIRTHDAY BOY.

If that is not enough of a mind fuck, he texts me that night!
Hope all is good, great to see that you are back in town

What the fuck?

Considering that in my profile I had stated that communication is key because too often small things can get in the way of something that could potentially be wonderful (a 6 month move interstate anyone?) and that my potential partner needs to realise that I have ambitions outside of a relationship and the fact that I know he viewed me (this dating site is rather a little stalkish I just realised). I had the thought that perhaps he wonders too (well I stopped wondering after the polite brush off). However, this was tempered by the fact the message was sent at 11:45 pm on a Saturday night... Now if it was a "lets hook-up" message I would have expected some sort of question like, what are you up to tonight? or are you busy right now?

So what the hell should I have done... I sat on the message for almost 2 days. I responded, and ended the message with a question. If he responds then I say maybe he wanted to reconnect and perhaps had a case of the 'what-ifs'also if he doesn't... He is a write off, again.

So while the saying is nothing ventured, nothing gained... I wonder what the fuck have I gained except a new complex about an old guy (which has to be the girliest thing I will ever say/write)

If there are any guys out there reading this please, if possible, shed some light on what goes on in the male psyche

So it has been a while since my last post. The joys of an old computer finally caught up with me and slow response times made posting more and more frustrating.
So last weekend, I went into a store spent less than an hour and walked out with a machine that suited my needs, wouldn't let me down and is quick to respond when I ask it to do things...like opening a web page!
It has me thinking, with all the frustration that I feel with dating how much simpler would it be if I could do something similar to find a partner.
Just think, go into a bar give the bartender your order.... and VOILA!
Made to order partners while you wait.
But as you know when you order from most bars these days what you order is not what you get... For example you order a Bourbon and Coke expecting to get Jim Beam and Coca-Cola.... You might actually end up with watered down Jim Beam and Pepsi...even worse you could end up with Woodstock and Schweppes Cola.
So as much as placing an order and walking out less than an hour walking out with the partner that is right for you... never going to happen.
It pains me greatly to say this but, while I strongly dislike it, dating is the only way you can find someone who is even close to being right for you.
*But I do hold out hope that one day finding a partner will be as simple as walking into an electronics store telling them what specifications will suit your needs.

Looking at my dating life with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight I have realised that when I was younger I dated with no real intentions. I dated a myriad of personality types, physical types, intellectual types etc. I dated so eclectically that I fooled myself into believing I didn't have a type. Strangely enough, I did have a type... jerks. Line up 10 really fantastic guys and one jerk, I will choose the jerk. I think there is something in my DNA because, in recent years I have dated with intention (that is, I want a relationship...if only to negate the need for dating) but, my type has not changed.
So that brings me to this blog.
I commenced this blog with the intention to rehash my (terrible) dating experiences and somehow find meaning. So here I am having wasted a few entries on the jerks that have crossed my path, whether I have dated them or not realising that it was not nearly as cathartic as just typing down my thoughts and fears. I may not be verbalising them but, at least I am putting them out into the ether. I feel somewhat cleansed by that.

So, looking around me lately there seems to be a million people who are either getting married or becoming parents. This figure may be slightly exaggerated but, it certainly does not feel like it,
Funnily enough, this doesn't give me the urge to procreate or become a pair on the arc that we call life. However, it does make me acutely aware that I will be 30 soon. I have been counting down to this milestone since I was 25, to say that I am excited about turning 30 is an under statement.
Given that I will soon be turning 30, and am surrounded by couples and breeders, there is the thought that I may be single for life and the only children I will have are cats. (that being said I am extremely conscious of not becoming the crazy cat lady from the Simpsons)

My life, as I imagined it when I was 13, was going to be all sorted by the time I was 26. I would be married, have kids and be working in my dream job (at the time it was journalist). Life would be as perfect as it could possibly be.
My life as it has actually turned out could not be further from that 13 year olds fantasy.
I don't have a bad life, I love the job I am in (not a journalist) though I would love to progress further I know that I will reach a point within my organisation that I will not be able to move beyond.

So, quick story. I meet a man who I find quite attractive and we were chatting, after we parted ways a friend said he was totally into you, give him your number.
So that is what I did, with the thought of he will never call but at least I bravely put myself out there.
He did call, a week later.

In my last post I noted that sex will remain off my dating menu until exclusivity is discussed and agreed upon.
It got me to thinking about rules that I previously put upon my dating life, there were more than a few but as years have passed I have relaxed the guidelines to the point that only one remains with no room for flexibility or 'get out of jail free' aspect.
1. No dating friend's brothers.

I am a huge believer in dating. Dating allows you to get to know someone and see if they are the, right, person for you. I am not adverse to dating multiple people at once because, if I am looking to progress the dating from casual to exclusive there is definitely going to be discussion. Until the exclusivity discussion I work on the belief that the other person (having not instigated the exclusivity discussion themselves) is also multi-dating.
Subsequently to dating Bong Loving Chippie, I made a healthy choice for my dating life. While I still engage in multi-dating until there is discussion, and agreement, on exclusivity I do not engage in sexual acitivity with the people I am dating.
The reason for this is two-fold:

Bong Loving Chippie, was a person I dated for a short time after being introduced by a mutual friend at a party I held. BLC was an interesting specimen as he had only had one previous relationship (his 'first') and that had only happened when he was 24. Until the age of 24 he was in love with his bong and as such had never really pursued sex.
BLC was the second time I have been someones second sexual relationship. BLC was, for lack of a better word, lazy. I do not know if it was the years of getting stoned but, he had a lethargic personality. While he had a trade, he did not have any ambition and this was further highlighted by his social circle which consisted mainly of faux hippies who shared his love of pot.
Emotionally immarture he did not even acknowledge the fact that we were dating, in fact he only thought that we were friends with benefits. (My definition of FWB is that there is only one thing that is done together on a one on one basis.) The fact that we went to movies, had dinner, spent time together that was not horizontal did not alert him to the fact that we were, not FWB but, (casually) dating.