The Second Coming
October 4th 2008 03:48
...but only bigger.
That's right, if Jesus were here now, had the messiah returned yesterday, he would have been sitting around going 'fuck, i can't wait for someone's next post'.
Well, Jesus, Mary, and all you other lesser beings, light the firecrackers, wipe the tears from your eyes, and rejoice...
the update is here.
And fuck me do I have some stories. I'll just start you out with a war story, just to ease y'all back into it.
To fill you in on some background details, I was living with a guy and a girl for the last year (ish), and this is the story of why the guy moved out. They both acted extremely bitter and petty, and that's what makes this story so funny.
So close your eyes and imagine it's, oh, a few months ago. Now open your eyes and keep reading, because you can't really read with your eyes shut, can you fool?
Now these two people, let's call them Bob and Jennifer. Bob has a habit of sleeping with Jennifer's friends, and this makes Jennifer very unhappy. Bob doesn't really care, and continues to do so anyway. Jennifer blows a fuse and decides that Bob is the scum of the Earth, and stops talking to him. I mean, come on. These two lived in the same house for fucking MONTHS, and not a single word to each other. We have a whiteboard in the kitchen that they would leave each other notes on if they had to communicate. They would even have little text-arguments on the board. I didn't think it was possible, but these arguments lasted for days, maybe even weeks, and these two would be pissed off the whole time.
So anyway, not talking to each other seemed to be working fine. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Bob owed Jennifer bond money, 400 odd dollars. Well, Jeniffer started harassing Bob, and even got her 'boyfriend' (real loose description) to chase him up about it. This is where the petty-ness starts. Bob decided to send a royal fuck you to Jennifer, goes to the bank, and gets for her the full 400 and something dollars.... in 5 cent pieces. Wait, I lie, it was 400 in 5 cent pieces, and whatever the balance was in 10c coins.
Well, I thought it was pretty funny. Haha, money is paid, get over it. Well, Jennifer didn't seem to think so. She then went and took all of Bob's food out of her fridge (the kitchen fridge was technically hers) [which happened to be my food too, we shared], and cut off the internet.
Why cut off the internet, I hear you cry. Well, the bill was in her name, so I guess she had the right to. Cutting off the nose to spite the face? You bet your sweet ass. Bob then decided that since Jennifer had a bigger room, and had said in an offhand remark months earlier that the living room was 'basically Bob's, because he spent all his time in there,' that he had the right to take all of Jennifer's belongings from the living room and, well, get them out of 'his' room.
Well, that was the point that Jennifer called me and said that either she or Bob had to go. Now don't get me wrong, Jennifer is a lovely girl and we have been good friends for a long time... but I am friends with Bob too, and Bob had an Xbox360 AND a Wii.... i mean come the fuck on, how am I meant to kick my friend, my Xbox AND my Wii out of the house?
I couldn't do it. I told them they could do whatever they wanted to each other, but to leave me on the sidelines. Well, long story short, they didn't, and eventually Bob broke and moved out... Jennifer still thinks Bob is a heartless scumbag bastard, and Bob is still convinced Jennifer is an unstable psychotic bitch... I think they're both right and wrong, in a way.
So that's my housemates from hell story. I'm sure you guys have some good ones to share... so share them!
EDIT: I almost forgot. Jennifer locked Bob out of the house at some point, and made Bob climb back into the house through the bathroom window. The second story bathroom window.
Until next time kiddos... Don't do anything I'd do.
That's right, if Jesus were here now, had the messiah returned yesterday, he would have been sitting around going 'fuck, i can't wait for someone's next post'.
Well, Jesus, Mary, and all you other lesser beings, light the firecrackers, wipe the tears from your eyes, and rejoice...
the update is here.
And fuck me do I have some stories. I'll just start you out with a war story, just to ease y'all back into it.
To fill you in on some background details, I was living with a guy and a girl for the last year (ish), and this is the story of why the guy moved out. They both acted extremely bitter and petty, and that's what makes this story so funny.
So close your eyes and imagine it's, oh, a few months ago. Now open your eyes and keep reading, because you can't really read with your eyes shut, can you fool?
Now these two people, let's call them Bob and Jennifer. Bob has a habit of sleeping with Jennifer's friends, and this makes Jennifer very unhappy. Bob doesn't really care, and continues to do so anyway. Jennifer blows a fuse and decides that Bob is the scum of the Earth, and stops talking to him. I mean, come on. These two lived in the same house for fucking MONTHS, and not a single word to each other. We have a whiteboard in the kitchen that they would leave each other notes on if they had to communicate. They would even have little text-arguments on the board. I didn't think it was possible, but these arguments lasted for days, maybe even weeks, and these two would be pissed off the whole time.
So anyway, not talking to each other seemed to be working fine. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Bob owed Jennifer bond money, 400 odd dollars. Well, Jeniffer started harassing Bob, and even got her 'boyfriend' (real loose description) to chase him up about it. This is where the petty-ness starts. Bob decided to send a royal fuck you to Jennifer, goes to the bank, and gets for her the full 400 and something dollars.... in 5 cent pieces. Wait, I lie, it was 400 in 5 cent pieces, and whatever the balance was in 10c coins.
Well, I thought it was pretty funny. Haha, money is paid, get over it. Well, Jennifer didn't seem to think so. She then went and took all of Bob's food out of her fridge (the kitchen fridge was technically hers) [which happened to be my food too, we shared], and cut off the internet.
Why cut off the internet, I hear you cry. Well, the bill was in her name, so I guess she had the right to. Cutting off the nose to spite the face? You bet your sweet ass. Bob then decided that since Jennifer had a bigger room, and had said in an offhand remark months earlier that the living room was 'basically Bob's, because he spent all his time in there,' that he had the right to take all of Jennifer's belongings from the living room and, well, get them out of 'his' room.
Well, that was the point that Jennifer called me and said that either she or Bob had to go. Now don't get me wrong, Jennifer is a lovely girl and we have been good friends for a long time... but I am friends with Bob too, and Bob had an Xbox360 AND a Wii.... i mean come the fuck on, how am I meant to kick my friend, my Xbox AND my Wii out of the house?
I couldn't do it. I told them they could do whatever they wanted to each other, but to leave me on the sidelines. Well, long story short, they didn't, and eventually Bob broke and moved out... Jennifer still thinks Bob is a heartless scumbag bastard, and Bob is still convinced Jennifer is an unstable psychotic bitch... I think they're both right and wrong, in a way.
So that's my housemates from hell story. I'm sure you guys have some good ones to share... so share them!
EDIT: I almost forgot. Jennifer locked Bob out of the house at some point, and made Bob climb back into the house through the bathroom window. The second story bathroom window.
Until next time kiddos... Don't do anything I'd do.
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