The Right To Be Stupid
July 4th 2009 12:10
Today marks the 234th time we will proclaim ourselves a nation independent from Great Britain; we can take pride in the fact that we began the demise of the British Empire. Jefferson, in his brilliance, wrote in the preamble of the Declaration of Independence, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the persuit of Happiness” (has anyone ever used the word “unalienable” before or since Jefferson?). When I read the Bill of Rights, there is no ammendment guaranteeing the persuit of happiness. Oh, there are some minor ammendments guaranteeing things like freedom of speech, freedom of religion, the right to bear arms, the right to assemble peacably, the right against unreasonable searches and seizures, the right to a speedy trial, the abolishment of slavery, the right to vote, and the right to purchase alcoholic beverages. Was this intentionally left out of the Constitution because the framers couldn’t specifically define “the persuit Happiness?” I define “the persuit of happiness” as the right to be stupid, and it is protected in the Bill of Rights of the US Constitution.
The First Amendment, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances,” guarantees our right to say stupid things as long as they are not libelous or slanderous (that would really be stupid because you could be sued and end up paying for your Creator given right to be stupid). David Letterman recently made nasty comments about Sarah Palin’s (Joe, the governor) daughter, implying she had sex with Alex Rodriquez, the steroid inflated third baseman of New York Yankee fame. Mrs. Palin, in her comeback at Mr. Letterman, implied that young women would not be safe around Mr. Letterman. Now, I don’t see how all this helps Mrs. Palin’s chances to one day utilize a White House toilet, except as a guest, but both she and Mr. Letterman feel that, if you don’t exercise your Creator given, and constitutionally guaranteed right to stupidity, you will lose it. Here’s to exercise!
The Second Amendment, “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed” guarantees The National Rifle Association the right to champion a fully automatic assault rifle in every pot (slung over every shoulder). Now, this is a very useful weapon for every hunter, survivalist, and paranoid Bernhard Goetz out there. I’m not against gun ownership; I’ve written about this previously. I guess those who need an assault rifle to protect their property in case the sky falls are fairly harmless, and our brave boys in blue will keep these weapons out of the hands of everyone except criminals, so that leaves hunters. I kill animals when I fish, and I either eat every fish I catch or release the ones that don’t meet legal specifications (how do you do that after you’ve shot the animal?). The benefits of hunting with an assault rifle seem stupidly obvious to me; you can hold your finger on the trigger, fire off a long burst, and make chop meat out of that rabbit, eliminating one of the preparatory steps. Take that, you wascally wabbit!
Doesn’t it seem strange that Jefferson, in his wisdom (not his stupidity) used the words “their Creator” and not “their God?” Yet Congress and Ike amended the Pledge of Allegiance to include “under God,” not “under Creator.” I guess Joe McCarthy and the desire to prove that we were a nation of God fearing anti-communists, not Creator fearing anti-communists, sparked this. Remember duck and cover? I wonder if Ike practiced this in the Oval Office when we did it in the second grade? Did his ass stick out from under his desk like mine? I always worried that, while my head would be protected during a nuclear attack, my ass would get burned off. Stupidity!
I revel in my right to be stupid many times over. I remember one time, just after I was married, I was angry about something, and as I was getting out of my car I saw a pair of sunglasses on the curb. I took my anger out on the sunglasses, stomping on them. They turned out to be my sunglasses, which fell out of my car as I was getting out. I found out they were my glasses when I got behind the wheel again and couldn’t find them in the car: stupidity at its practiced finest!
At the beginning of this rant, I said that this was the 234th time we will proclaim our independence. Some of you might be thinking, “Wait a minute. This is 2009, and the Declaration of Independence was proclaimed in 1776, so that makes 233 years or times.” Yes, we are celebrating the 233rd anniversary of the proclamation of independence, but 1776 was the first time we proclaimed our independence, so we will now do so for the 234th time.
I’ll never have to worry about having anything to write about because stupidity abounds, and rightfully so. As John Adams recommended, Independence Day “ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bell, bonfires, and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other...". It’s time for my neighbors to express their Creator given right to stupidity and blow up their paychecks and welfare checks while they wait for their homes and cars to be repossessed; their fireworks displays are always awesome!
Creator, I love this country!
The First Amendment, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances,” guarantees our right to say stupid things as long as they are not libelous or slanderous (that would really be stupid because you could be sued and end up paying for your Creator given right to be stupid). David Letterman recently made nasty comments about Sarah Palin’s (Joe, the governor) daughter, implying she had sex with Alex Rodriquez, the steroid inflated third baseman of New York Yankee fame. Mrs. Palin, in her comeback at Mr. Letterman, implied that young women would not be safe around Mr. Letterman. Now, I don’t see how all this helps Mrs. Palin’s chances to one day utilize a White House toilet, except as a guest, but both she and Mr. Letterman feel that, if you don’t exercise your Creator given, and constitutionally guaranteed right to stupidity, you will lose it. Here’s to exercise!
The Second Amendment, “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed” guarantees The National Rifle Association the right to champion a fully automatic assault rifle in every pot (slung over every shoulder). Now, this is a very useful weapon for every hunter, survivalist, and paranoid Bernhard Goetz out there. I’m not against gun ownership; I’ve written about this previously. I guess those who need an assault rifle to protect their property in case the sky falls are fairly harmless, and our brave boys in blue will keep these weapons out of the hands of everyone except criminals, so that leaves hunters. I kill animals when I fish, and I either eat every fish I catch or release the ones that don’t meet legal specifications (how do you do that after you’ve shot the animal?). The benefits of hunting with an assault rifle seem stupidly obvious to me; you can hold your finger on the trigger, fire off a long burst, and make chop meat out of that rabbit, eliminating one of the preparatory steps. Take that, you wascally wabbit!
Doesn’t it seem strange that Jefferson, in his wisdom (not his stupidity) used the words “their Creator” and not “their God?” Yet Congress and Ike amended the Pledge of Allegiance to include “under God,” not “under Creator.” I guess Joe McCarthy and the desire to prove that we were a nation of God fearing anti-communists, not Creator fearing anti-communists, sparked this. Remember duck and cover? I wonder if Ike practiced this in the Oval Office when we did it in the second grade? Did his ass stick out from under his desk like mine? I always worried that, while my head would be protected during a nuclear attack, my ass would get burned off. Stupidity!
I revel in my right to be stupid many times over. I remember one time, just after I was married, I was angry about something, and as I was getting out of my car I saw a pair of sunglasses on the curb. I took my anger out on the sunglasses, stomping on them. They turned out to be my sunglasses, which fell out of my car as I was getting out. I found out they were my glasses when I got behind the wheel again and couldn’t find them in the car: stupidity at its practiced finest!
At the beginning of this rant, I said that this was the 234th time we will proclaim our independence. Some of you might be thinking, “Wait a minute. This is 2009, and the Declaration of Independence was proclaimed in 1776, so that makes 233 years or times.” Yes, we are celebrating the 233rd anniversary of the proclamation of independence, but 1776 was the first time we proclaimed our independence, so we will now do so for the 234th time.
I’ll never have to worry about having anything to write about because stupidity abounds, and rightfully so. As John Adams recommended, Independence Day “ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bell, bonfires, and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other...". It’s time for my neighbors to express their Creator given right to stupidity and blow up their paychecks and welfare checks while they wait for their homes and cars to be repossessed; their fireworks displays are always awesome!
Creator, I love this country!
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