The price of death
October 9th 2006 00:09
In my short time on this planet I have seen death come into my life in many different ways and has affected me on many different levels. Ther have been times that I have been prepared for the worst before it happened and wept bitterly despite my best preparations and there have been times when it has drained me instantaneously of my own life when it is unexpected, leaving me to ponder how life can be for some of us so nasty brutish and short. Death has touched me in such a way that I have learned not to take anybody for granted. When my cousin died 15 years ago in his (and my) teenage years from a biking accident I mourned not only for the fact that he died, I had regretted that I had the chance to see him a couple of days before the accident and I chose not to on the premise that I'd see him next time. There wasn't to be a next time.
I can't tell anybody what is more difficult ; watching someone die from a terminal illness or the shock of sudden death. In one year I had three relatives die by someone else's hand. Even though it has been some years now, there was the feeling that my world had somehow grown smaller and just that little bit colder with each of their untimely passings. No matter how many years may pass it still hurts to lose what was, only to leave what could have been or should have been.
The ones that hurt the most are the ones that just leave you staggered and thinking "why?" Last year one of my good friends decided to end his own life by gassing himself and overdosing on heroin because he felt his life was a "failure". He was a successful businessman who just like the rest of us had a past. It was a past that he just couldn't overcome. I remember watching him get beaten by "bullies" who were students in authority at school, and not being able to do a thing about it due to a "code of silence" apparently upheld by students. he and I paid a tremendous price for that as word got out to administration what had happened and our ostracism followed.
His death has left me the most bitter and twisted because he and I had fought together in our years at school together, but he let the "voices" in his head win. In time I'm sure I will find comfort in the little time we spent together and what his life meant and what really should have been.
The ones that hurt the most are the ones that just leave you staggered and thinking "why?" Last year one of my good friends decided to end his own life by gassing himself and overdosing on heroin because he felt his life was a "failure". He was a successful businessman who just like the rest of us had a past. It was a past that he just couldn't overcome. I remember watching him get beaten by "bullies" who were students in authority at school, and not being able to do a thing about it due to a "code of silence" apparently upheld by students. he and I paid a tremendous price for that as word got out to administration what had happened and our ostracism followed.
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