The “Nice Guy” Conundrum
July 7th 2008 23:21
Single women all over lament how hard it is to find a Nice Guy, yet when they do find one, they’re not happy. I’ve given this a lot of thought and think that the blame does not rest solely with the guys. Honestly, how many women actually know a Nice Guy when you meet one? I’m going to attempt to break it down for you ladies in the hopes that the Nice Guys out there will actually catch a break for a change.
Now, I’m no relationship expert, but I have been dating for about 25 years and from what I’ve seen, Nice Guys fall into four basic categories: the Doormat, the Hunter, the Jerk in Nice Guy Clothing and the Genuine Nice Guy.
Doormats are easy to spot. They’re fawning, obsequious and so co-dependent it’ll make you puke. These men have such low self-esteem that they’ll put up with any woman’s crap just so they don’t have to be single. These men derive their self-worth from the women in their lives. For some women, that’s fine. They like the power trip and will date Doormats because they know the Doormat won’t contradict her in any way. They know that they can just treat the Doormat like dirt and he’ll just keep coming back for more. The irony of this is that, in a lot of cases, these men are good looking, professionally successful and intelligent, but should probably visit a doctor to make sure that that they have a spine.
Then we have the Hunter. On the surface, these men appear to be a Nice Guy, however, for them, it’s all about the chase. Initially, they’re engaging, charming, sweet and funny. They’re a little flashy, good looking, intelligent, successful and seem like the perfect guy. They wine and dine us, call just to say hi and actually notice when we’ve changed our hair or gotten our eyebrows waxed. You start to feel comfortable with him and let your guard down. Everything is great until after they get you into bed. That’s when their true colors emerge. For them, the chase is over. Their curiosity has been satisfied. Their attention and interest begins to wane, boredom sets in and it’s not long before they’re out looking for their next conquest.
Next is the Jerk in Nice Guy Clothing. In the beginning, they may come off as chivalrous. They’ll be the one to intervene if a guy is hitting on you while you’re out with them and will do little things in the guise of being protective. Gradually, they become more controlling, dictatorial or critical. The danger with these guys is that the change can be very subtle and it’s not long before you’re in trouble. Below are warning signs that your partner could potentially turn violent:
1. Jealousy and possessiveness: Some see it as a sign of love, but it is actually a sign of distrust.
2. Controlling behavior: Controlling what you wear, where you go, who you see, how you spend your money, checking the mileage on your car
3. Verbal abuse: degrading who you are as a person, criticizing your appearance or intelligence and making you feel less human.
4. Threats to harm you, your family or your pet
5. Isolation from friends and family
If these behaviors are present in your relationship or you know someone who is in a relationship where these signs are present, RUN to the nearest phone and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE to be connected with help in your area. (1)
Last, we have The Genuine Nice Guy. He’s not weak like the doormat, flashy like The Hunter, or unbalanced like The Jerk in Nice Guy Clothing. He’s comfortable in his own skin and doesn’t need to prove his manliness to the world at large or try to put the moves on you. His masculinity is more subtle. He actually cares about what you have to say and appreciates that you’re a strong woman with your own opinion. He has respect, not only for you, but for himself and the people around him. You feel safe with him because he’s steady and stable. He’s honest, sincere and able to talk about how he feels without bursting a blood vessel. He’s reliable, dependable, quick to laugh and slow to anger.
Keep in mind though that this guy is no wimp and will not hesitate to tell you if you’re out of line or if you’ve done something to upset him. He’s the guy that you can introduce to your family and friends and not worry about whether he’ll be accepted. Let’s be honest. No matter how much we say that it doesn’t matter what our family or friends think of our significant other, deep down it does carry some weight. Also, if your friends and family accept your sweetie, it makes holiday gatherings so much more pleasant.
So Ladies, the next time the khaki-wearing cutie in the office tries to engage you in conversation, take a few minutes and give him a chance. He might just be the Genuine Nice Guy you’ve been overlooking for so long.
(1) Warning signs and NDVH information copied from www.Oprah.com from the show “A Mother Burned Alive by Her Husband”.
Now, I’m no relationship expert, but I have been dating for about 25 years and from what I’ve seen, Nice Guys fall into four basic categories: the Doormat, the Hunter, the Jerk in Nice Guy Clothing and the Genuine Nice Guy.
Doormats are easy to spot. They’re fawning, obsequious and so co-dependent it’ll make you puke. These men have such low self-esteem that they’ll put up with any woman’s crap just so they don’t have to be single. These men derive their self-worth from the women in their lives. For some women, that’s fine. They like the power trip and will date Doormats because they know the Doormat won’t contradict her in any way. They know that they can just treat the Doormat like dirt and he’ll just keep coming back for more. The irony of this is that, in a lot of cases, these men are good looking, professionally successful and intelligent, but should probably visit a doctor to make sure that that they have a spine.
Then we have the Hunter. On the surface, these men appear to be a Nice Guy, however, for them, it’s all about the chase. Initially, they’re engaging, charming, sweet and funny. They’re a little flashy, good looking, intelligent, successful and seem like the perfect guy. They wine and dine us, call just to say hi and actually notice when we’ve changed our hair or gotten our eyebrows waxed. You start to feel comfortable with him and let your guard down. Everything is great until after they get you into bed. That’s when their true colors emerge. For them, the chase is over. Their curiosity has been satisfied. Their attention and interest begins to wane, boredom sets in and it’s not long before they’re out looking for their next conquest.
Next is the Jerk in Nice Guy Clothing. In the beginning, they may come off as chivalrous. They’ll be the one to intervene if a guy is hitting on you while you’re out with them and will do little things in the guise of being protective. Gradually, they become more controlling, dictatorial or critical. The danger with these guys is that the change can be very subtle and it’s not long before you’re in trouble. Below are warning signs that your partner could potentially turn violent:
1. Jealousy and possessiveness: Some see it as a sign of love, but it is actually a sign of distrust.
2. Controlling behavior: Controlling what you wear, where you go, who you see, how you spend your money, checking the mileage on your car
3. Verbal abuse: degrading who you are as a person, criticizing your appearance or intelligence and making you feel less human.
4. Threats to harm you, your family or your pet
5. Isolation from friends and family
If these behaviors are present in your relationship or you know someone who is in a relationship where these signs are present, RUN to the nearest phone and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE to be connected with help in your area. (1)
Last, we have The Genuine Nice Guy. He’s not weak like the doormat, flashy like The Hunter, or unbalanced like The Jerk in Nice Guy Clothing. He’s comfortable in his own skin and doesn’t need to prove his manliness to the world at large or try to put the moves on you. His masculinity is more subtle. He actually cares about what you have to say and appreciates that you’re a strong woman with your own opinion. He has respect, not only for you, but for himself and the people around him. You feel safe with him because he’s steady and stable. He’s honest, sincere and able to talk about how he feels without bursting a blood vessel. He’s reliable, dependable, quick to laugh and slow to anger.
Keep in mind though that this guy is no wimp and will not hesitate to tell you if you’re out of line or if you’ve done something to upset him. He’s the guy that you can introduce to your family and friends and not worry about whether he’ll be accepted. Let’s be honest. No matter how much we say that it doesn’t matter what our family or friends think of our significant other, deep down it does carry some weight. Also, if your friends and family accept your sweetie, it makes holiday gatherings so much more pleasant.
So Ladies, the next time the khaki-wearing cutie in the office tries to engage you in conversation, take a few minutes and give him a chance. He might just be the Genuine Nice Guy you’ve been overlooking for so long.
(1) Warning signs and NDVH information copied from www.Oprah.com from the show “A Mother Burned Alive by Her Husband”.
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