The Epic Time Out Journey

Choc full of lies

Sun, 01 Apr 2012 02:16:00 GMT

MAMA: Did you eat chocolate before lunch after I told you to stay out of the candy? JAKE: NuhMmmbbuh cnnd MAMA: I can't understand you. It sounds like you're trying...

Cretaceous Procrastination

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 02:17:00 GMT

MAMA: Jaaaake! Are you dressed? JAKE: Yes, Mommy. MAMA: You're dressed and ready for school? You've brushed your teeth and everything? JAKE: Uh huh. MAMA: You're sure you're not playing...

Glasses karma

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 15:55:00 GMT

I distinctly remember, when I was a kid, throwing a pair of eyeglasses out the car window on the Dan Ryan Expressway. I have no idea what possessed me. I...

Polo with a fringe on bottom

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 03:18:00 GMT

Watch that fringe and see how it flutters... MAMA: Jake, what happened to your shirt? JAKE: Some scissors got it. MAMA: Some scissors got it. JAKE: Yeah. MAMA: And...

Open your mouth!

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 04:03:00 GMT

Come back here lil man! There's no way you could have chewed a pill that fast. You think I don't know the old spit the nasty medicine out when nobody's...

Flipping out

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 03:05:00 GMT

CAUGHT IN THE ACT Violation of the no-somersaults-on-your-sister 's-bed rule. You are not going to fall and splatter your brains and get blood all over my carpet. Not to mention...

Aimlessness

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 02:48:00 GMT

MAMA: Jaaaaaaake! JAKE: What? MAMA: You need to clean the underside of the toilet seat. It's covered with pee. JAKE: I didn't do it. MAMA: Sweetie you're the only boy...

High Art

Thu, 22 Dec 2011 21:31:00 GMT

You are looking at this strange image and thinking, what the heck is THAT? That, ladies and gentlemen, is green glitter paint on one of the blades of my 6-year-old...

Parade of lies

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 21:31:00 GMT

MAMA: Did you make your bed? JAKE: Yes. MAMA: Are you sure? JAKE: Yes. MAMA: Are you double, triple, quadruple, quintuple sure? JAKE: Yes. MAMA: So if I come in...

Spewing hostility

Fri, 04 Nov 2011 04:31:00 GMT

For spitting on his sister at the supermarket. Admittedly she was in a foul mood and made for rather unpleasant company, but still... 11-3-2011

The story unravels

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 17:19:00 GMT

So I was all excited about finding these cute little black satin shoelaces with skulls on them just in time for Halloween. I bought one pair for my daughter and...

Eggstraodinary Odor

Sat, 22 Oct 2011 01:42:00 GMT

For days I've been wondering why my car smelled like rotten eggs. I looked on the floor and on the seats but couldn't find anything. It's been getting worse every...

The $200 tissue

Thu, 13 Oct 2011 15:10:00 GMT

Yesterday, just as I had polished off a chapter of a memoir I was reading and about to go to bed, Jake came into my room and calmly informed me...

The trail (mix) leads to Jake

Tue, 27 Sep 2011 03:45:00 GMT

There is only one person in my household who regularly empties trail mix on the counter, removes all the M&Ms and raisins, and leaves a pile of rejected nuts behind...

Premeditated homework hiding

Fri, 23 Sep 2011 23:18:00 GMT

This morning after Jake had already left for school I found a textbook and a loose sheet of blank homework on the kitchen table. It's Friday, when homework for the...