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Open your mouth!

February 6th 2012 04:03


Come back here lil man! There's no way you could have chewed a pill that fast. You think I don't know the old spit the nasty medicine out when nobody's looking trick? Honey I've done it all. I know your moves before you've even devised a plan. Here's another one and you stand here this time until I see you chew it up and swallow it. Open your mouth. Wider. Now lift your tongue. I know that one, too.

2-6-2012
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Flipping out

February 1st 2012 03:05

CAUGHT


IN THE


ACT

Violation of the no-somersaults-on-your-sister 's-bed rule. You are not going to fall and splatter your brains and get blood all over my carpet. Not to mention shatter all the breakable stuff on the combination shelf/headboard.

2-1-2012
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Aimlessness

January 24th 2012 02:48


MAMA: Jaaaaaaake!

JAKE: What?

MAMA: You need to clean the underside of the toilet seat. It's covered with pee.

JAKE: I didn't do it.

MAMA: Sweetie you're the only boy in the house. It would be physically impossible for anyone else to have done it.

JAKE: <shamefully> Sometimes I have to go really bad and when I'm in a hurry I miss.

MAMA: Well first of all you shouldn't wait so long it's an emergency, but it's ok if you do it by mistake. Mistakes happen. It's just that you need to wipe it off after. Don't just walk away and leave it there.

MAMA: But what if I break my arm?

MAMA: What?

JAKE: What if I break my arm? The toilet could break my arm.

MAMA: You are not going to break your arm cleaning the toilet. Get to work.

1-23-2012
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High Art

December 22nd 2011 21:31


You are looking at this strange image and thinking, what the heck is THAT?

That, ladies and gentlemen, is green glitter paint on one of the blades of my 6-year-old son's ceiling fan. Well, it's not actually HIS ceiling fan. It is my mother's ceiling fan. (Therein lies one of MANY problems.) Said ceiling fan is in the room my son uses. Unfortunately, it is easily accessible from the top bunk of his bunk bed.

Now, no one actually SAW my son paint the ceiling fan. Jake fervently insists the glitter just miraculously appeared one day. He, naturally, had nothing to do with it.

I have only circumstantial evidence--there was some green glitter paint in an art set he got a few birthdays back--but hardened criminals have been convicted on less.

Time out.

12-22-2011.
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Parade of lies

December 17th 2011 21:31


MAMA: Did you make your bed?

JAKE: Yes.

MAMA: Are you sure?

JAKE: Yes.

MAMA: Are you double, triple, quadruple, quintuple sure?

JAKE: Yes.

MAMA: So if I come in there right now and look at your bed, I won't see you've been playing with cars all this time when you were supposed to be making your bed?

JAKE: Right.

MAMA: Okay. Here I come.

JAKE: No...wait...!

12-17-2011
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Spewing hostility

November 4th 2011 04:31


For spitting on his sister at the supermarket. Admittedly she was in a foul mood and made for rather unpleasant company, but still


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The story unravels

October 31st 2011 17:19


So I was all excited about finding these cute little black satin shoelaces with skulls on them just in time for Halloween. I bought one pair for my daughter and one pair for my son and relaced their gym shoes


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Eggstraodinary Odor

October 22nd 2011 01:42


For days I've been wondering why my car smelled like rotten eggs. I looked on the floor and on the seats but couldn't find anything


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The $200 tissue

October 13th 2011 15:10


Yesterday, just as I had polished off a chapter of a memoir I was reading and about to go to bed, Jake came into my room and calmly informed me he had accidentally stuck a wad of tissue too far up his nose


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The trail (mix) leads to Jake

September 27th 2011 03:45


There is only one person in my household who regularly empties trail mix on the counter, removes all the M&Ms and raisins, and leaves a pile of rejected nuts behind. Not even the decency to put the nuts back in the bag


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February 2012
2 Posts
January 2012
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December 2011
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70 Posts dating from December 2009
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