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The Lifetime Network recently declared open war against Oprah and her devout followers.
The bloodshed that followed was nothing short of an atrocity. Currently the Oprah followers are working on finding new methods to commit crimes against humanity.
Yes! It's true! The makers of long fabled "Girls Gone Wild" have expanded their turf and are looking to fetch a new audience.
You can check out the spicy details here: HERE
Today it was announced by the New King of The Earth, Barack Obama, that using Mac technology a legion of super-soldiers would be created to serve NATO in the genocide of people who disagree with Western Customs and Beliefs.
Steve Jobs quickly drew up plans for the preliminary Super Soldier design. The concept was to fuse two of the worlds most feared races into a hybrid super-being capable of functioning in any situation under a multitude of scenarios with optimal efficiency.
The final project concept looked something like this:
As Steve Jobs explained, "In a combat situation, you basically got a fat guy and a midget tied together. So they can function as a team in almost any combat situation. Regardless of if its eating an entire buffet or crawling through a doggy-door. They got it covered in ways that no ordinary human could."
As Obama and Jobs toured the initial test subjects they were given combat simulations to demonstrate the awesome power of these mortal gods.
Seen above is an early attack concept known as the "Tiny Bomb" in which the fat-guy unit of the team uses his sheer momentum to hurl his midget counter-part as a projectile. The maneuver is still in early development but is showing a lot of promise.
In 2008 the first field test of these super soldiers now deemed "Glutton Goliaths" was enacted upon a combat region in Southern Afghanistan. After only 45 minutes of combat, the results looked like this:
After the 45 minute massacre the entire city was destroyed and all life within it was dead and or dying, with the exception of one local Burger King. The staff of that Burger King was taken hostage by the duo and enslaved for the next 48 hours satiating their mammoth hunger before they too were obliterated.
Truly, this project is heralding in a new dawn of weaponry in the United States.
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Starting this fall with such brilliant and beloved shows as Sex And The City and Scrubs seeing their final hour, all eyes have fallen on one new and thriving Sitcom to carry the torch that these fine shows have finally walked away from
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In a breaking news story, the Racial Stereotype League has saved the world yet again today. Yes! The team who continues to prove that racial stereotypes can positively work to improve our world has finished their fifth daring adventure and rescued the world from certain doom.
It was a bleak and early Monday when the world awoke to the disturbing and terrifying news that a Rebel Faction of Russian / Middle-Eastern Soviet Terrorists had obtained a Biological Nuclear Bomb capable of destroying our entire internet MySpace
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As the painful crunch of economic turmoil and an evergrowing international food crisis continues to plague the U.S and foreign countries, a new solution has come into view. While it may be seen by some as barbaric and even disgusting it is already being ushered into American doctrine faster than Baseball and Apple Pie. Brace your children and wives, Cannibalism is the new Atkins.
Yes! Cannibalism!
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Originally I had a fantastic arguement for the purpose of a poignant and cutting debate against all that is wrong with everything these days. However in spite of all this I leave you with this image of Oprah passing down her commandments to all those who follow the faith of Modern Media. May her will be done, for her's and her kin's are all that is left is the Human Race.
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As a seasoned people meeter I often venture into the urban sprawl to get a glimpse at all the people I can meet. Back in 2002 I was Time Magazine's official People Meeter of the year because I met 159,000 people in one day. Allegedly.
So it comes as a huge surprise to me when I find out that some people actually struggle with social situations and find it difficult to meet new people. In this segment of "Human Hunter" I'm going to give you 5 easy tips that will make meeting new people an easy but exciting hobby for everyone! Woohooo
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Everyone knows about Hitler. He pioneered the skin-tight Uniform. He created an amazing workout that looks a lot like marching and saluting. He even set into trend the "Short Stash" moustache fashion. However what a lot of people don't know about him is that he also loved Subs. He loved the Sub Sandwich so much that he based most of his life around it and spent the greater majority of his years delving into the Science of a great Sandwich. In this edition of "Fascism and Food" lets explore Hitler's rise to greatness and his inevitable fall.
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BEHOLD! The truth of Christmas must be revealed! That this Sacred Holiday not forget it's true meaning and past. Though the Catholic church has tried to silence me through the use of Ninja's, Pirate's and whiny Emo kids. I have come to you people today to reveal the truth and pull off the blanket of ignorance
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