the constraints of email
May 6th 2008 12:30
hi man
well it kind of sux but it seems email is easiest. well easier than you trying to get a hold of me and me trying to get a hold of me. sux
email means that i have ot try and put into words what you mean to me and what it means that you are in a hard spot and guess what me too, hard fucking spot. that sux too, but its ok. soon we will chat about it and try and fix it together, until then i hate any other bullshit, like lion's meetings and assesments. i just wish sometimes that me and you were not as comfortable as we are, we dont try anymore, all of out commitments take over us. its not on purpose and its not as if we care any less, its just that we have shit to do, this is life right? nah man its fucked.
meg was at mine the other night, after that shit with chris, and we got to talking about me. turns out i had my breakdown the same day as you and her, go figure right? fucked. yeah i had one of those "i wish i could just stay in bed and die and not be perfect and go to uni at 8am.... etc" i thought it would get better if i just got under the shower, got on the train, rode the bus, did my work, ................. it didnt though i still wanted to die as i went for a teary jog that night. fucked really.
so yeah meg. we sat upstairs and i had no simpathy at all for her. none. i was not sorry for her at all. i just was cold. and she said so too. "jasmin your cold" i said "all people do meg is have pitty and be cold and turn away form each other" she said "all i have is you and tara" i said "meg you have no one, i have no one we are all alone and thats that" i dont no what was wrong with me but as usual i could not talk about how i felt. language was not my frend and i felt pretty bad. i was angry at you too. just couldnt believe why u werent there with us, with this sore excuse for a girl who was drunk and lifeless on a monday night. i couldnt figure why you did not tell "me" about lisa, which i still no nothing about. i coulnt figure it at all.
then i realised that your probly just as fucked as me, on the edge of a massive break down and as usual you dont want help becasue the minute you say anything you wont be able to stop the rush of tears and the storm of your hollering and chain smoking. i know thats how i feel. i keep thinking i will deal with it when i hand my shit in, after this weekend, ok maybe next weekend." i dont ever want to deal with it. but meg is right, i am cold and that sux. mum tells me too. meg said "its a shame jasmin because you have more love in you than any of us" yeah am cold but if people could see just how ripped up i am underneath my skin they would see im not cold really, not in the evil sense.
you see tara i think i can see all your ripped shreds too. but because you dont show them to me i will never no for sure and i just ( like a coward and not a true frend) turn away and put it all to tara is being a bitch again, sux.
we are all alone in this world, but then meg has chris and you have john and i have things too .
we do have each other, we do, but hey when we have free time and even then not all of us can make it. thats all good it is but what the point in seeing eachother if we cant break the fuck down with eachother, not be bitches and say rude things and grow distant. im not saying you have done this, i am saying this is our relationship. who i am being is an inconsiderate bitch who sees tara be distant and just lets it go. i am no friend, not at all. but that is that i leave it behind and i will transform it completly. so lets break down together ok, ill invite meg too ok we can have a mad bitch, a mad smoke and eat organic nuts (hahah kidding! - not really actually E.D just kicked in - ok now im kidding)
ok so thats that. oh yeah , i love you. i never tell you that. well you never say it to me but i cant ever help but notice everytime you talk to your mum and to john you say i love you. how fucked is it that i noticed this? yeah im a stalker lesbian whore, but i love you.
see ya thurs? or maybe tonight (wed) dont no i may go library and pull my hair out there. should be good.
much love
xxxxxxx
well it kind of sux but it seems email is easiest. well easier than you trying to get a hold of me and me trying to get a hold of me. sux
email means that i have ot try and put into words what you mean to me and what it means that you are in a hard spot and guess what me too, hard fucking spot. that sux too, but its ok. soon we will chat about it and try and fix it together, until then i hate any other bullshit, like lion's meetings and assesments. i just wish sometimes that me and you were not as comfortable as we are, we dont try anymore, all of out commitments take over us. its not on purpose and its not as if we care any less, its just that we have shit to do, this is life right? nah man its fucked.
meg was at mine the other night, after that shit with chris, and we got to talking about me. turns out i had my breakdown the same day as you and her, go figure right? fucked. yeah i had one of those "i wish i could just stay in bed and die and not be perfect and go to uni at 8am.... etc" i thought it would get better if i just got under the shower, got on the train, rode the bus, did my work, ................. it didnt though i still wanted to die as i went for a teary jog that night. fucked really.
so yeah meg. we sat upstairs and i had no simpathy at all for her. none. i was not sorry for her at all. i just was cold. and she said so too. "jasmin your cold" i said "all people do meg is have pitty and be cold and turn away form each other" she said "all i have is you and tara" i said "meg you have no one, i have no one we are all alone and thats that" i dont no what was wrong with me but as usual i could not talk about how i felt. language was not my frend and i felt pretty bad. i was angry at you too. just couldnt believe why u werent there with us, with this sore excuse for a girl who was drunk and lifeless on a monday night. i couldnt figure why you did not tell "me" about lisa, which i still no nothing about. i coulnt figure it at all.
then i realised that your probly just as fucked as me, on the edge of a massive break down and as usual you dont want help becasue the minute you say anything you wont be able to stop the rush of tears and the storm of your hollering and chain smoking. i know thats how i feel. i keep thinking i will deal with it when i hand my shit in, after this weekend, ok maybe next weekend." i dont ever want to deal with it. but meg is right, i am cold and that sux. mum tells me too. meg said "its a shame jasmin because you have more love in you than any of us" yeah am cold but if people could see just how ripped up i am underneath my skin they would see im not cold really, not in the evil sense.
you see tara i think i can see all your ripped shreds too. but because you dont show them to me i will never no for sure and i just ( like a coward and not a true frend) turn away and put it all to tara is being a bitch again, sux.
we are all alone in this world, but then meg has chris and you have john and i have things too .
we do have each other, we do, but hey when we have free time and even then not all of us can make it. thats all good it is but what the point in seeing eachother if we cant break the fuck down with eachother, not be bitches and say rude things and grow distant. im not saying you have done this, i am saying this is our relationship. who i am being is an inconsiderate bitch who sees tara be distant and just lets it go. i am no friend, not at all. but that is that i leave it behind and i will transform it completly. so lets break down together ok, ill invite meg too ok we can have a mad bitch, a mad smoke and eat organic nuts (hahah kidding! - not really actually E.D just kicked in - ok now im kidding)
ok so thats that. oh yeah , i love you. i never tell you that. well you never say it to me but i cant ever help but notice everytime you talk to your mum and to john you say i love you. how fucked is it that i noticed this? yeah im a stalker lesbian whore, but i love you.
see ya thurs? or maybe tonight (wed) dont no i may go library and pull my hair out there. should be good.
much love
xxxxxxx
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