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ROUND 8 WRAP (The first 4 games) – THE LESSONS WE HAVE LEARNT

Collingwood v StKilda
For a game that was close all night this match still seemed to lack an x factor. Perhaps it was the injuries to key players that contributed to the air of impotence or perhaps it was the fact that both teams have failed thus far to fulfil some lofty pre-season expectations. In any case despite being close all night this game ebbed and flowed evenly without ever really capturing the imagination. Indeed both sides play similarly uninteresting brands of football with a tendency to lose to the good teams while dealing with the poor ones. For this reason at lease the game was important to distinguish the two from one another.


StKilda appear to be struggling with the exact same problems they always have. Gehrig seems disinterested while overall the team appears to have no middle tier of players. 9 players had 9 touches or less while Ball, Sam Fisher, Hayes, Montagna and Dal Santo racked up 26 touches. Once again despite a list promising so much talent StKilda produced overall unimaginative football cost along to a respectable 9 point loss. It is always harsh to make a call on a player’s future career with two thirds of a season still to play but StKilda may need to make a decision on several players already. Fraser Gehrig is clearly not the player he once was and will certainly not play beyond this season and perhaps not this week. The player to have perhaps flown under the radar in terms of how poorly they are playing is clearly Raphael Clarke. While the hype surrounds Gehrig and his future R. Clarke appears to lack awareness and turns what little of the ball he gets over to the opposition. Indeed his recent performances beg the question “did this man come as a free 2 for 1 deal with his far more talented brother?” It is not all doom and gloom for StKilda, they are a reasonable side with a talented midfield in particular, however the aforementioned players are at present a negative influence on the team.


Collingwood have learned that once again they can scrape their way to mediocre victories against similarly skilled sides but once again fail to inspire confidence that they may play deep into September. Glimpses of spark via an impressive Harry O’Brien tackle and goal and a brilliant solo running goal from Leon Davis illuminated an otherwise generic and robotic side. Perhaps this is Malthouse’s intention, to play a brand of football that is replicable by anyone the club recruits, a brand that shuns playing on or running with the ball. There is genuine talent in the side with players like Didak, Davis, Medhurst and Thomas gradually making the transition from flighty forward pockets to genuine midfielders. However when it comes to the overall style of play Collingwood is the football equivalent of a state issued Soviet tank – big, slow and grinding their way bit by bit until the other sides have wasted their shots and give up. The improvement in the small forwards cum midfielders is exciting but the lack of invention within this teams game plan leaves a taste of inevitability lingering on the palate. Expect them to finish 8th and lose ‘admirably’ by 5 or 6 goals to Geelong this Friday.

Hawthorn v Port Adelaide
With PA on the rise and Hawthorn looking irresistible this clash promised a lot and it delivered. Port Adelaide looked great all day seriously threatening the Hawks and reminding us how they made it to a Grand Final in 2007. The Hawks however ticked another box by coming back from 6 goals down to add a big come from behind win to their 7 others this season.

For the Power it seems we have learned something that maybe wasn’t obvious before – this team is not only young, fast and talented they are hard and aggressive also. There were few passengers for the Power (although Brendan Lade seems to be well below his best) in a game that they probably should have won. With Mitchell being knocked unconscious, McGlynn being reported, Crawford sparring with Brogan and the final insult delivered via imitation from Mark Williams (player) these two sides are developing a spiteful modern rivalry and it is in no small part due to Ports style of play. This is also in light of their typically aggressive performance against traditional rivals Adelaide earlier this year. The lesson for teams coming up against Port in the future is simple – expect to come home sore, and if you shirk the issue, expect to lose.

What is there left to say about Hawthorn? Simply brilliant, not only does this team play hard and tight in defence, quick and strong in the midfield and frighteningly potent in the forward line. If Collingwood is a Soviet tank the Hawks are an invisible stealth fighter jet screaming across the sky doing tricks Tom Cruise would be jealous of. Buddy only had the 8 shots on goal to be one below his average while Cyril Rioli kicked 1 goal 4, Roughead only 3 and Williams only 1. Crawford too only had 9 possessions. This was ultimately not a great game from the Hawks and they still won without getting anywhere near the maximum output from their forward line. The only thing that can stop this team is themselves… and maybe the Cats. Lesson learned from this game? The Hawks are outstanding and they can get even better.

Richmond v Geelong

Admittedly if Hawthorn has some improvement left then Geelong hasn’t even got out of first gear. It is an exciting prospect to think of Hawthorn playing to their full potential but then we’ve seen what talented teams do when they play as well as they can, they win Premierships by 119 points. Geelong managed to play one quarter of football in the wet against Richmond and still win. This might be a concern if they had to play Hawthorn before round 17 but as it is Geelong are timing their run perfectly. Indeed while people like me rant and rave about the sight of a full strength Hawthorn side Geelong are cruising along playing at somewhere near 40% of their ability and still haven’t lost. Except that they need Ottens back to sure up the ruck Geelong are foxing the whole competition into thinking perhaps they aren’t the best while still winning the whole time. Remember how Sydney at their peak started slow then built momentum late in the season to finish 4th and be ripe for the finals? Geelong are doing the same thing… without losing.

Richmond on the other hand while showing improvement would be unwise to pat themselves on the back just yet. The skill level of this side defies belief as they turn it over with disturbing frequency. Jordan McMahon and Kane Johnson appear as repeat offenders in this category despite getting the ball more often than previous seasons, some slack should probably be given due to the wet conditions also. Jack Riewoldt too is not improving and needs a serious pre-season in the gym. However Richardson continues to defy his age, Deledio seems more at home pushing up from the forward line and Nathan Foley is a gun. The team is settling and this semblance of system and style is probably the biggest contributing factor to their improved performances. That said Geelong beat them with an arm and a leg tied behind their backs and their free hand was still drinking Crownies from last years Premiership after party. The tigers are better than last years 3.5 wins but not by much. Perhaps the biggest lesson learned for the Tigers was the impressive debut of Trent Cotchin. Skilled, tall, agile and quick Cotchin looked as comfortable on the MCG in 7 degrees and pouring rain as any player ever has.

Carlton v Brisbane
Carlton, much like Richmond, reminded us that improvement is a long process. Having earned some impressive victories to be 3-4, including their first win in Perth for some 7 years, Carlton’s momentum was abruptly halted on Saturday night. Ultimately it was just a terribly slow start that killed Carlton who despite only losing by 33 points Carlton was never really in the hunt. The midfield with Stevens and Judd heading the likes of Murphy, Gibbs, Carrazzo and Scotland appears more and more reliable, but overall the side is taking time to mature and develop into a more cohesive unit. Although the future looks bright as long as Fevola continues his form, Saturday night taught us that Carlton are not yet to be relied on for a full 4 quarter effort.

Brisbane on the other hand looks to be something of a dark horse. Widely tipped to finish just in or out of the 8 with the unexpected evenness of teams below 3rd position Brisbane may well set their sights on a top 4 finish. If Brown and Bradshaw manage to both fire on the same night for once Brisbane have a forward line that could yield almost 15 goals from 2 players. The team does not play a high possession brand of football, regularly gaining less overall touches than their opposition but this may say more about Brisbane’s directness than their inability to get the ball. And watch out when they don’t have the ball because Brisbane tackles hard and often. This makes for a style of play that makes it extremely difficult for opposition sides to get any run and rhythm in their game and when Brisbane inevitably cause the turnover they sting their enemies quickly going the other way. The Lions taught us that you don’t actually have to have the skills of a Geelong or Hawthorn or indeed rack up touches like WC of 2005-2007. Rather a direct style coupled with fierce midfield and backline aggression can be just as effective. They should also wear the old Fitzroy jersey permanently “memories, like the corner of my mind…”
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If the seven men who front The Footy Show each week (eight if you count Craig Hutchison) are attempting to make viewers writhe uncomfortably in their lounge rooms then they should consider what they do a job well done. If on the other hand they are attempting to preview the weeks football in a humourous, light hearted variety show format (with a hint of controversy from that old devil ‘Sammy’ Newman) then they are absolute failures. As the game of Australian Rules football evolves and improves let us all pray that so too does the quality of pre-round entertainment. Essentially the show’s purpose, as far as I can tell, is to preview upcoming matches. However in order to reach an audience broader than just football fans the show tries to be funny and at times controversial. They fall desperately short of the mark on both counts.

Once upon a time ‘Sam’ Newman was a raffish rogue pushing the boundaries of good taste and making audiences simultaneously laugh and shake their heads. Once upon a time Eddie ‘fingers in every pie’ Maguire led the show with charisma and an insight into the breaking stories aided as much by his skills as a journalist as his involvement with the AFL. Once upon a time Trevor Marmalade’s inane one-liners at least resembled jokes… ok so some things haven’t changed.

The recent controversy surrounding Newman and his on-air stoush with Caroline Wilson is the perfect example of how far this show has slipped. Newman’s antics may well have been disrespectful towards Wilson and his views on women in football are clearly narrow minded and old fashioned. By the same token the outrage expressed by some sections of the media was hysterical and unwarranted. The real question to answer is: Who cares? Newman’s actions are merely a thinly veiled attempt to inject some life into an otherwise boring program. Don’t be offended by Sam Newman because he ‘degrades women’; be offended because the entire act was completely unfunny and transparent. Isn’t it a coincidence that Newman appears on radio and in print the day before or the day of the show being aired?

The rest of the show is equally cringe worthy and limp. Trevor marmalade must be related to someone at channel 9 to still be employed by the station. His recycled brainless puns and gags bring new meaning to the term ‘lead balloon’. The various current footballers are trotted out like bewildered animals who look more likely to wet themselves or run away than provide any meaningful insight into the game they play. Both hosts clearly struggle with cues, often being prompted to throw to a different segment or person on the show, adding to the chaotic mess that they are forced to front. They are also reluctant to stop or overshadowed by their co-host Newman who, like an old relative who won’t listen to anyone younger than himself, talks over and dominates any sensible discourse the hosts may seek to establish.

The Footy Show is obviously a beneficiary of the fact that it has no competitors. There are no other similar pre-round variety shows and after the spectacular failure of ‘Live and Kicking’ channel 7 at least have been reluctant try again. Add to this the fact that channel 7 and 10 are probably comfortable with the fact that they air the game itself and The Footy Show might be around for a time yet. However monopoly or not this show is dying a tedious, uncomfortable and decidedly un-humourous death. Here is a person by person critique of the perpetrators of the shambles that airs at 9:30pm every Thursday.

Sam Newman: Easily the worst offender. Sam’s attempts at controversy are simply the most contrived and uninteresting tirades ever to gain media coverage. He has almost ticked every box on his list of groups to offend having now offended women, aboriginals, homosexuals, revealed his genitals and drank almost a whole bottle of bourbon live on air. One can only assume physically disabled people are next on the hit list. Sam is not edgy, he is not controversial and he is not a charming old scamp unafraid to push the boundaries of socially acceptable behaviour. He is however a boring old man who has managed to erase a fabulous football career with an inglorious post-football media stint. Of particular note is the infamous ‘Street Talk’ segment which resembles a Victorian street show as Newman manages to find and humiliate societies most physically and mentally handicapped individuals. Again, this is not so much offensive in terms of his humiliating vulnerable people as it is offensive due to how predictably unfunny it is.

Trevor Marmalade: It is unfathomable how this man can be employed as a comedian. When The Footy Show ends he will surely take up a job writing the awful gags found on the paper inside Christmas bon bons. Trevor is like your mates little brother who hangs around desperately seeking approval from the big boys with stupid antics. He was cute when he was a kid but now he has no friends. The audience laughs only out of pity for this pathetic shell of an entertainer.

Gary Lyon: Charisma-less host who is supposed to be the yin to Brayshaw’s yang providing insight on football specific matters as an ex-player. His ongoing act of appearing upset at repeated viewings of footage of a serious leg injury stopped being funny the third time they did it. It certainly wasn’t funny the twentieth time. Seems to be fairly impressed with himself, it’s hard to see why.

James Brayshaw: Probably the ray of light in the dark abyss that constitutes this 2 hour cringe-fest. Even so he struggles to head the show with an inability to tell old man Newman to shut his mouth when he rambles incoherently. Also seems to put on an overly boisterous and ‘down to earth’ tone of voice when talking about football matters. It’s likely that outside of the show he does not refer to hands/arms as ‘dukes’ or the football as a ‘prune’. His on air persona gives a feeling as though he is trying too hard to fit in with the football crowd and makes him seem ingenuous.

Craig Hutchison: Seriously, is this the most un-likeable man in the entire media? Before he even speaks the audience must be throwing rotten tomatoes, or at very least leaving their seats. His supposed breaking news stories have, generally speaking, already broken earlier that day/week. If indeed the story is ‘breaking news’ it is usually as remarkable as ‘x player has been named tonight but is unlikely to play’. Great work ‘Hutchy’, if you’re the hardest working man in football/sports journalism then you must have some seriously lazy colleagues.

The Panel of 3 players: Honestly, why bother? Every player who comes on adds nothing in terms of knowledge of the game or general entertainment. Indeed the most entertaining current player panellists are the most banal, as the audience sits in admiration of several clearly autistic football savants. Special mentions to the Matthew’s Lloyd and Richardson, both resemble deer’s caught in the headlights as they stutter and fumble their way through their pre-prepared notes.
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