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Marry Mobile
It vibrates and always calls me back


Late last night a Greensborough teen was assisted by paramedics after dropping her mobile phone into a drain and subsequently getting stuck trying to retrieve it.

TN Correspondent Brittany Hilton was at the horrific scene where "there was like this girl, and like, she was stuck in this hole, and yeah, her mobile phone was gone. It was terribad, I mean, imagine losing your phone!"

Brittany also reported seeing flashing lights and thinking someone had started a street party, at which time she posted an invite on Facebook. Police had to be called when over 1000 youths flooded the area around the distressed girl. Several arrests were made after violence broke out between rival men over who was going to "unclog her drain". No official statement has been made from the girl as to who in fact did.

Some enthused onlookers were quoting as saying

"I'd lose my shit if I lost my phone down there, I'd be on my Blackberry getting my dad down here like now."

"She lost her phone? Is she hot? Cos my cousin works for Crazy Johns bro, I'll sort her out."

"Fuckit, where's my phone? Anyone seen a pink Nokia N95?"
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Dog eat dog food

May 4th 2010 15:59
Working Dog

"PET pooches are biting into Victorians' family budgets, with $2370 going annually the way of the dishlicker."

According to an independent survey, Dogs are quickly becoming the main source of financial strain on Victorian households. The Bluffington poll, first conducted in 1990 and decennially since shows an exponential increase in pet related expenses over the last 2 decades.

The survey showed Food topping the list of Pet Indulgences with recent evidence showing a sharp rise in gourmet meals and luxury items such as kitty litter and chew toys. TN Cultural Correspondent Finigan Onapulse said that families are "eating dry whilst their pets demand only the best" and that todays pets were no better than "stuck up Schnauzers and posh Pomeranians".

This startling revelation has caused community wide concern, with TN viewers demanding these "lazy, glorified hood ornaments pull their weight around the house" and "instead of waiting for mummy and daddy to clean their trays and bring them food, maybe they should start brining home the bacon".

The Minister for Finance Mr Lindsay Tanner had no comment when asked about if any possible bailout or stimulus package was planned to assist in this dog day dilemna, but That's News?! can reveal the Rudd Government, as part of their push toward re-election, will be launching an initiative to get pets off the couches and into the workplace. This initiative, entitled "Sit... and do your bit" will hopefully create unique opportunities for man's best friend and that couch potato cat to help grow the already rebounding economy as well as their owner's already shrinking wallet.
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Warden: Time is relative.

April 20th 2010 18:17
Carl Williams, police


Live again today from Barwon Prison, TN reports that death of Carl Williams has been attributed to a lax, seemingly purposeful non-response from the Prison Officers paid to keep the prisoners from carrying out retribution or paid whacks on each other on a daily basis.

Barwin Prison Chief Warden took time out with TN Snitch Shakes Calzone early this afternoon to discuss the untimely response to the untimely death our time's James Capone. (For more details on this joke, see James Capone )

SC: So bossman, what's with the screws fallin asleep on the job?

CW: Well they weren't asleep. They were bowling, I even heard one of them knocked over all the kingpins. Get it... King... Pins...

(Shakes raises only left eyebrow whilst the Warden laughs out loud)

SC: So they ran the old "see no evil" bit ey Chief?

CW: Well Mr Calzone, if my failed stint as a Nuclear Physicist has taught me anything, it's that time is relative so scientifically, a 25 minute response time isn't anything to worry about. And frankly, relatively speaking, 25 minutes is nothing compared to the backlog of hits we have awaiting other inmates. I mean, it took us this long to get the guy shivved in the first place, another 25 minutes wouldn't of killed him.

(Warden stands up, waves and heads to the door)

CW: Thanks guys, you've been a great audience. I'm here all week, tip your Prison Guards!


TN Viewer Relativity Feedback (Updated Annually)

"We put violent offenders in close proximity and expected them to what, make cupcakes?"

"25 mins? Surely they could've waited 10 mins before checking if he had bled out?"

"Again I ask, Carl who?"
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Gangster monkeys
A blood feud since the dawn of time...


Straight from a TN source at Barwin Prison exercise yard, gangland celebrity Carl Williams was killed whilst incarcerated for the alledged murder of two other gangland celebrities. Sources close to the victim at the time of his slaying say he was “stabbed in the back”, even closer sources deny anything happened at all and they don't know what you're talking about but if you don't stop with the questions, you'll end up next to Carl Williams


[ Click here to read more ]
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