Tarnish
August 24th 2009 23:24
I am well aquianted with the universal 'WHY?'
That asking it is piontless, because it just is the way it is. Even though we all do it - 'why did they die?' 'Why did they hurt me?' and some people stumble forever in the dark caught on this why, I know it. The why is that it is. People die, people hurt. Its life.
But I have learned to turn my whys on people. On individuals. Because the Earth and the Universe cant answer, but individuals can.
When I first started work, I made it very clear to my bosses, I'm a sick little girl.
From the toes up -
- toes broken multiple times on both feet. Incorrect healing, causing blood flow problems and blisters that form under callouses. Very painful.
- Arthritis. Ankles, knees, hips. spine, shoulders, wrists, knuckles.
- Endometriosis. Formation of cysts and ovary cramps.
- genetic heart condition - hereditry leaking valve
- ashma
- chronic sinusitis from having my nose almsost broken. Theres a spur in my nose that locks in the junk from hayfever. Nasty nasty pressure pain.
- And finally, the big one. Head injury of a serious nature when I was only ten. Slit the helmet, that should have been my skull, almost was. Severe neck trauma as well as head trauma, leading to chronic migraines forever locked in unbreaking cycle. Nightmares. Visual and auditory hallucinations.
Earlier this year, all of the head problems culminated to a point where I was always in crippling pain. I couldnt take it. I was used to constant pain, but constant CRIPPLING pain, that was new. I was insane over it. I couldnt do anything. The combination of drugs I take now has only barely cut a edge in it. Its still there, freaking me out. So I told my boss - dont work me more than 20 hours a week. Dont put me on shifts longer than 8 hours. I cant take the pain.
And then one of the girls goes on holiday.
My hours rocket. I say nothing. We are all working hard arent we? I can take it, for a few weeks.
My sinusitis got infected. Still is. The pressure leaning on pressure builds to more pain. Still, I struggle on, not far to go now!
And she comes back, the holiday girl.
And my hours are still through the roof.
Now, Ive got a lot to stress about. Ive stressed a lot lately. And I thought, this week, it might settle down. But now Ive got to stress about this too. I want to talk to the boss today, but I dont want to bug her on her day off. Hows that? I feel like Ive done well and all Im getting for it is a hard slap across the face. It makes me want to slap back.
I dnt know whatto do. I dont know what Im on about. shuttup....shuttup....
That asking it is piontless, because it just is the way it is. Even though we all do it - 'why did they die?' 'Why did they hurt me?' and some people stumble forever in the dark caught on this why, I know it. The why is that it is. People die, people hurt. Its life.
But I have learned to turn my whys on people. On individuals. Because the Earth and the Universe cant answer, but individuals can.
When I first started work, I made it very clear to my bosses, I'm a sick little girl.
From the toes up -
- toes broken multiple times on both feet. Incorrect healing, causing blood flow problems and blisters that form under callouses. Very painful.
- Arthritis. Ankles, knees, hips. spine, shoulders, wrists, knuckles.
- Endometriosis. Formation of cysts and ovary cramps.
- genetic heart condition - hereditry leaking valve
- ashma
- chronic sinusitis from having my nose almsost broken. Theres a spur in my nose that locks in the junk from hayfever. Nasty nasty pressure pain.
- And finally, the big one. Head injury of a serious nature when I was only ten. Slit the helmet, that should have been my skull, almost was. Severe neck trauma as well as head trauma, leading to chronic migraines forever locked in unbreaking cycle. Nightmares. Visual and auditory hallucinations.
Earlier this year, all of the head problems culminated to a point where I was always in crippling pain. I couldnt take it. I was used to constant pain, but constant CRIPPLING pain, that was new. I was insane over it. I couldnt do anything. The combination of drugs I take now has only barely cut a edge in it. Its still there, freaking me out. So I told my boss - dont work me more than 20 hours a week. Dont put me on shifts longer than 8 hours. I cant take the pain.
And then one of the girls goes on holiday.
My hours rocket. I say nothing. We are all working hard arent we? I can take it, for a few weeks.
My sinusitis got infected. Still is. The pressure leaning on pressure builds to more pain. Still, I struggle on, not far to go now!
And she comes back, the holiday girl.
And my hours are still through the roof.
Now, Ive got a lot to stress about. Ive stressed a lot lately. And I thought, this week, it might settle down. But now Ive got to stress about this too. I want to talk to the boss today, but I dont want to bug her on her day off. Hows that? I feel like Ive done well and all Im getting for it is a hard slap across the face. It makes me want to slap back.
I dnt know whatto do. I dont know what Im on about. shuttup....shuttup....
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