Resenting life.
July 14th 2008 15:29
I write this as a vent, but also because I know many other mothers feel the same way that I do, even if they are afraid or ashamed to admit it. Today when my husband left for work I found myself jealous that he was able to go. He gets a break from this madness of home life. He gets to go somewhere and does something that makes him feel accomplished. He has other people in his life other than us. And here I sit. A mother who sometimes begs and prays for some time to herself. I would love to go somewhere and accomplish something. Yes, I know deep down that I do work. I work harder than my husband, no doubt about it. But we don't get the thanks that we deserve, or that we need.
Being a mother is the most unselfish act of a woman. Why is it that we get so lost in that, that we forget to be us? Why is it that your own personal dreams and goals in life get put on the back burner? Do you resent that? Come on, you do... at least a little. Then you start feeling guilty for the fact that you do resent it. Some people would love to be mothers and for some reason Mother Nature won't give them that right. Some people lose their children way too early. Thinking of these people make you mad at yourself for resenting motherhood and all that it brings with it. But, I believe it is natural. I think almost all mothers feel that way; they just aren't open about it.
I wanted to be a journalist. I wanted to be an author. I wanted to be a radio personality. I still could be??? Well, no. I never was able to finish college. I want to. I have spoken to my husband about it and he isn't supportive of my dreams. "It just isn't realistic with our lifestyle." He's right, but it is still hard to hear. Yes, I could go and reach for my dreams, but is the gain worth the sacrifices that would come with it? No.
Resentment. I resent that he can do whatever he wants as a career, and I cannot. Resentment. I resent that I supported him through school and I watched him walk across the stage and receive his degree, wondering if I will ever get that chance. Resentment. I resent that he does something every day that makes him feel like something other than a husband and a father. Resentment.
I look back on the life of my mother. Army wife. She was a stay at home mom. She would iron his uniforms, pack his lunch, and keep a hot dinner on the table every night. She raised us. After we all left for college, he moves on. Leaves her with nothing but the furniture. She is in her 50's being a substitute cook in the school system. She is not qualified for anything else; after all... she was just a housewife and a mom. RESENTMENT. She isn't happy.
What do we do to get rid of the resentment? I blog. Nothing comes of it. What did I expect? Maybe some promised income that did seem too good to be true. Maybe someone will see talent. Maybe I could make a difference with someone out there. Blogging may get me heard, but it doesn't help.
I guess I need to take my own advice that I give my kids all the time "Suck it up". I am sure we would all change something in our life. A choice that we made, a path we chose. Those people that say "I wouldn't change a thing in my life because what I chose got me here" Blah, blah BLAH! LIARS! Everyone would change something.
I could be one of those mothers that is a career woman. Why not? Lots of people drop off their kids at daycare every day and go about their life. I can't be that mom. I tried it. Can't do it. I wish I was that person. I really am not sure how moms do that. If they have to, that is one thing - but the ones that do it because they want to. I can't let go.
So, let's see... I am jealous of the husband, would like something of my own, but don't want to not be here for my kids. Sound familiar? I guess this is motherhood. There aren’t answers. "Suck it up MOM!"
Being a mother is the most unselfish act of a woman. Why is it that we get so lost in that, that we forget to be us? Why is it that your own personal dreams and goals in life get put on the back burner? Do you resent that? Come on, you do... at least a little. Then you start feeling guilty for the fact that you do resent it. Some people would love to be mothers and for some reason Mother Nature won't give them that right. Some people lose their children way too early. Thinking of these people make you mad at yourself for resenting motherhood and all that it brings with it. But, I believe it is natural. I think almost all mothers feel that way; they just aren't open about it.
I wanted to be a journalist. I wanted to be an author. I wanted to be a radio personality. I still could be??? Well, no. I never was able to finish college. I want to. I have spoken to my husband about it and he isn't supportive of my dreams. "It just isn't realistic with our lifestyle." He's right, but it is still hard to hear. Yes, I could go and reach for my dreams, but is the gain worth the sacrifices that would come with it? No.
Resentment. I resent that he can do whatever he wants as a career, and I cannot. Resentment. I resent that I supported him through school and I watched him walk across the stage and receive his degree, wondering if I will ever get that chance. Resentment. I resent that he does something every day that makes him feel like something other than a husband and a father. Resentment.
I look back on the life of my mother. Army wife. She was a stay at home mom. She would iron his uniforms, pack his lunch, and keep a hot dinner on the table every night. She raised us. After we all left for college, he moves on. Leaves her with nothing but the furniture. She is in her 50's being a substitute cook in the school system. She is not qualified for anything else; after all... she was just a housewife and a mom. RESENTMENT. She isn't happy.
What do we do to get rid of the resentment? I blog. Nothing comes of it. What did I expect? Maybe some promised income that did seem too good to be true. Maybe someone will see talent. Maybe I could make a difference with someone out there. Blogging may get me heard, but it doesn't help.
I guess I need to take my own advice that I give my kids all the time "Suck it up". I am sure we would all change something in our life. A choice that we made, a path we chose. Those people that say "I wouldn't change a thing in my life because what I chose got me here" Blah, blah BLAH! LIARS! Everyone would change something.
I could be one of those mothers that is a career woman. Why not? Lots of people drop off their kids at daycare every day and go about their life. I can't be that mom. I tried it. Can't do it. I wish I was that person. I really am not sure how moms do that. If they have to, that is one thing - but the ones that do it because they want to. I can't let go.
So, let's see... I am jealous of the husband, would like something of my own, but don't want to not be here for my kids. Sound familiar? I guess this is motherhood. There aren’t answers. "Suck it up MOM!"
| 74 |
| Vote |
Comments (4)
Add Comments
Read More
Comment by Susan
on Resenting life.
NO OFFENSE!
Famous Country
Chris, I have thought of freelance writing, but not sure my writing is up to par yet. I use to write very well, but have gotten out of practice leading my "Ho Hum" lifestyle of "cooking, cleaning, and watching Oprah" - seeing as how that's all i do being a SAHM and all! Thanks for the compliment and advice Chris!