10 ways to improve the lord of the rings
December 1st 2009 07:32
sup peeps. with the reecent news that they are making a brand new sequel to the lord of the rings movie and are calling this the HOBBIT PARTS 4 AND 5 i desided it was time we ree-xamined the original movies and the reesons why they were not reely that popular. i have deesided i wood help the world out by outlinin how the LORD OF THE RINGS should be remade because im that sort of a guy you know the sort of guy who will call a taxi when its time for visitors to leave ITS CALLED A CURTORSY AND CERTAIN READERS OUT THERE MITE WANT TO TAKE NOTE IN PARTICULAR IM TALKING ABOUT PEEPS FROM THE SUBURBS OF PANANIA. you know who im talking about RYAN JAMES FOWLER. when i say its time to go ITS TIME TO GO.
anyway as they say on with the truth.
1. ELVES
what was with the elves in the lord of the rings movies? they were just peopel with pointy ears and girly hair and it was LAME. talk about rippin off star trek. the first thing i wood do to fix the lord of the rings movies is to make the elves awthentic REAL elves like the elves in santas workshop and the ones that make shoes like fake reeboks and stuff in asia. i have red the lord of the rings books at least twenty times and the elves are cleerly meant to be proper elves like little dudes with pointy shoes and the biggest disapointment of the movies was havin them look like normal peopel.
2. DWARVES
I wood also cast REEL FREAKIN DWARVES. I have NEVER seen a reel life dwarf with a decent beard let alone with proper arms. reel dwarves have little stumpy arms and stumpy legs and there heds are like butternut pumpkins a bit. i think it was DAM OFFENSIVE for the lord of the rings movies to ignore what REEL LIFE DWARVES look like. imagine if they had made ARE WE THERE YET and cast a WHITE man in the main role EVERYONE WOULD BE IN UPRAW BECAUSE IT WOULD BE RACIST AND IT WOOD RUIN A DEECENT MOVIE. reel dwarves = not racist.
3. HOBBITS
While we are talkin about reel dwarves and reel elves what the hell is a hobbit anyway? HOBBITS DO NOT EXIST. when i watched the lord of the rings i was a bit confused at first because there were elves there were dwarves there were wizards there was a troll but there was also sumthin missing. that sumthin is NOMES. WHERE WERE THE NOMES? i wood change all the hobbits to nomes and the movie wood just make more sense that way.
4. THE ENDING
look there was no battle with sawron and we didnt even get to see him. i wood have the nomes and gollum get to the big mountain at the end and then sawron wood come out with a big massive machete. frodo wood say "Out of my way sawron i am on a mission" and sawron wood say "give me the ring nome!" and frodo wood then say, "ok i guess i tried" and then he wood go to give him the ring but when sawron reeched out for it frodo wood suddenly pull out some nunchuks and start goin to town on sawron and then gollum wood pull out a saw and say "hey sawron saw on this!" and he wood saw sawron's freakin head off and blood would spurt evrywhere and some wood get on the camera and NO WAIT ALL THIS LIGHT WOOD COME OUT OF SAWRONS NECK AND FRODO WOOD SHOUT OUT "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!!" AND THEN HE WOOD KEEP THE RING BECAUSE SAWRON IS NOW DEAD!
5. THE EXTRA ENDING BIT
Frodo would of course then stay in the shire he woodnt go off to any dumb elves land and he wood put the ring on and become a super-nome, a bit like the robot in IRON MAN. and frodo wood go round fightin and stuff. and frodo wood go head to hed with sawron's brother GORON and they wood go to punch each other at the exact same time and then the credits wood freeze frame on them and EYE OF THE TIGER WOULD PLAY.
6. NO SUBTITLES
wat was with all the subtitles? no one wants to reed when they watch lord of the rings OTHERWISE THEY WOOD REED THE BOOK. man the movie makers are so DUM some times. evrytime a character is speekin in another langwitch i wood just have them say it in english but before they say it they say the langwitch they are speekin in first. like this "ELVES LANGWITCH hi i am the elve king wood you like some sweet nike shoes?" eckcetra.
7. TOM BOMBODIL
I wood put the character of tom bombodil back in the movie and then fans wood have NO REESON WHATSOEVER TO COMPLANE ABOUT ANYTHIN IN THE MOVIE. i would probly cast tom selleck as tom bombodil because he is a cool guy and they have the same first name so it wood be easy for the other cast members to remember his name when talkin to him in character. i wood also make tom bombodil go on the quest with the others to make up for the fact that he didnt appeer in the original lord of the rings movies. suck on it.
8. GOLLUM
if the movie WATCHMEN proved anythin to the world it was that you are allowed to show doodles in movies so i wood make gollum completely naked and give him a deecent wang to shake about. this wood make gollum less of a loser. imagine how funny it wood be if he suddenly popped a boner in a reely serious scene!!!!! they wood be sayin 'OMG BOROMIRS DEAD N SHIT" and then BOINGGGG gollum has a boner and he starts saying 'MY PRESHUSSSS' and guess where he puts the ring!!!!!!! im not saying lord of the rings should be a comedy but it definetly needed some laffs.
9. SEX SCENES
why were there no sex scenes in the lord of the rings? all good movies have both fight scenes and sex scenes. look at the movie SEX BOAT it had tasteful porn AND pirates fightin and stuff. i cant beleev i sat thru 3 hours of each lord of the rings movie and still there was no punani. liv tyler is hot they shouldve put her on booty call or at leest chained her up in a mad bikini and made her dance for jabba the hut.
10. MORE RINGS
why is it called lord of the rings if there is only one ring in it? i wood make a bunch of diffrent rings and each one wood have a diffrent power. frodo wood have the invisible ring and maybe sam could have the RING THAT CAUSES PEOPELS CLOTHS TO FALL OFF. also aragon could have a ring that has a hart on it and when he uses it he could shout out 'HART!' and it wood make peopel act gay and lame. and then frodo could fight the others and steel there rings and then he wood put them all on one hand and he wood truly be THE LORD OF THE RINGS and then there wood be a special appeerance by the animated character CAPTAIN PLANET because the powers would be combined. for captain planet i wood cast BILLY RAY SYRUS because he can grow a badass mullet.
anyway as they say on with the truth.
1. ELVES
what was with the elves in the lord of the rings movies? they were just peopel with pointy ears and girly hair and it was LAME. talk about rippin off star trek. the first thing i wood do to fix the lord of the rings movies is to make the elves awthentic REAL elves like the elves in santas workshop and the ones that make shoes like fake reeboks and stuff in asia. i have red the lord of the rings books at least twenty times and the elves are cleerly meant to be proper elves like little dudes with pointy shoes and the biggest disapointment of the movies was havin them look like normal peopel.
2. DWARVES
I wood also cast REEL FREAKIN DWARVES. I have NEVER seen a reel life dwarf with a decent beard let alone with proper arms. reel dwarves have little stumpy arms and stumpy legs and there heds are like butternut pumpkins a bit. i think it was DAM OFFENSIVE for the lord of the rings movies to ignore what REEL LIFE DWARVES look like. imagine if they had made ARE WE THERE YET and cast a WHITE man in the main role EVERYONE WOULD BE IN UPRAW BECAUSE IT WOULD BE RACIST AND IT WOOD RUIN A DEECENT MOVIE. reel dwarves = not racist.
3. HOBBITS
While we are talkin about reel dwarves and reel elves what the hell is a hobbit anyway? HOBBITS DO NOT EXIST. when i watched the lord of the rings i was a bit confused at first because there were elves there were dwarves there were wizards there was a troll but there was also sumthin missing. that sumthin is NOMES. WHERE WERE THE NOMES? i wood change all the hobbits to nomes and the movie wood just make more sense that way.
4. THE ENDING
look there was no battle with sawron and we didnt even get to see him. i wood have the nomes and gollum get to the big mountain at the end and then sawron wood come out with a big massive machete. frodo wood say "Out of my way sawron i am on a mission" and sawron wood say "give me the ring nome!" and frodo wood then say, "ok i guess i tried" and then he wood go to give him the ring but when sawron reeched out for it frodo wood suddenly pull out some nunchuks and start goin to town on sawron and then gollum wood pull out a saw and say "hey sawron saw on this!" and he wood saw sawron's freakin head off and blood would spurt evrywhere and some wood get on the camera and NO WAIT ALL THIS LIGHT WOOD COME OUT OF SAWRONS NECK AND FRODO WOOD SHOUT OUT "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!!" AND THEN HE WOOD KEEP THE RING BECAUSE SAWRON IS NOW DEAD!
5. THE EXTRA ENDING BIT
Frodo would of course then stay in the shire he woodnt go off to any dumb elves land and he wood put the ring on and become a super-nome, a bit like the robot in IRON MAN. and frodo wood go round fightin and stuff. and frodo wood go head to hed with sawron's brother GORON and they wood go to punch each other at the exact same time and then the credits wood freeze frame on them and EYE OF THE TIGER WOULD PLAY.
6. NO SUBTITLES
wat was with all the subtitles? no one wants to reed when they watch lord of the rings OTHERWISE THEY WOOD REED THE BOOK. man the movie makers are so DUM some times. evrytime a character is speekin in another langwitch i wood just have them say it in english but before they say it they say the langwitch they are speekin in first. like this "ELVES LANGWITCH hi i am the elve king wood you like some sweet nike shoes?" eckcetra.
7. TOM BOMBODIL
I wood put the character of tom bombodil back in the movie and then fans wood have NO REESON WHATSOEVER TO COMPLANE ABOUT ANYTHIN IN THE MOVIE. i would probly cast tom selleck as tom bombodil because he is a cool guy and they have the same first name so it wood be easy for the other cast members to remember his name when talkin to him in character. i wood also make tom bombodil go on the quest with the others to make up for the fact that he didnt appeer in the original lord of the rings movies. suck on it.
8. GOLLUM
if the movie WATCHMEN proved anythin to the world it was that you are allowed to show doodles in movies so i wood make gollum completely naked and give him a deecent wang to shake about. this wood make gollum less of a loser. imagine how funny it wood be if he suddenly popped a boner in a reely serious scene!!!!! they wood be sayin 'OMG BOROMIRS DEAD N SHIT" and then BOINGGGG gollum has a boner and he starts saying 'MY PRESHUSSSS' and guess where he puts the ring!!!!!!! im not saying lord of the rings should be a comedy but it definetly needed some laffs.
9. SEX SCENES
why were there no sex scenes in the lord of the rings? all good movies have both fight scenes and sex scenes. look at the movie SEX BOAT it had tasteful porn AND pirates fightin and stuff. i cant beleev i sat thru 3 hours of each lord of the rings movie and still there was no punani. liv tyler is hot they shouldve put her on booty call or at leest chained her up in a mad bikini and made her dance for jabba the hut.
10. MORE RINGS
why is it called lord of the rings if there is only one ring in it? i wood make a bunch of diffrent rings and each one wood have a diffrent power. frodo wood have the invisible ring and maybe sam could have the RING THAT CAUSES PEOPELS CLOTHS TO FALL OFF. also aragon could have a ring that has a hart on it and when he uses it he could shout out 'HART!' and it wood make peopel act gay and lame. and then frodo could fight the others and steel there rings and then he wood put them all on one hand and he wood truly be THE LORD OF THE RINGS and then there wood be a special appeerance by the animated character CAPTAIN PLANET because the powers would be combined. for captain planet i wood cast BILLY RAY SYRUS because he can grow a badass mullet.
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on Taronga
stu kicks