Struggling with the past
December 31st 2006 03:04
Fighting to be thin is something both men and women battle daily, not all but a large majority, an illness I myself battled not so long ago, an illness that is reaccurring too frequently in my mind as of late.
Its scary to think that one part of my mind wants to revert back to old ways, only this time Im much stronger both mentally and physically. Though each day I wake I still feel the need to feel that pain, that releiving pain in my stomach that shows me I have control over something in my life.
Battling bulimia is not just about being thin it is to me being in control of something, especially when other things in my life seem to be far from in control! My control that is!
Though I am told frequently by family and friends that I am thin I dont see it, its something I wish I didnt have to deal with, people seem to look at me in a different light when they learn of this illness Im stuck with. They say how can you not see you are thin you are beautiful, just stop and understand it.. Its easier said than done it is stuck in my mind, something I know I will be battling for the rest of my life. I have not yet reverted back to old ways but the temptation is there, its such relief to hear that familiar growling and to feel that tumbling feeling in my tummy.
Its not hard to see I once battled this the scars on my knuckles show I succumbed to giving into mia! Mia was my best friend, the only thing that reassured me and made me feel better about myself. I wasnt depressed or angry at the world, I just felt out of control, I was siffering severe panic attacks and anxiety disorder that I couldnt control, but once I stopped bringing food to my lips I was in control of something. Food was poison to me something that once brought to my lips would mean to lose the battle. I still feel that now, I still feel that food is poison, even convincing my mind that everywhere I ate, people were putting drugs and poison in my food, so I wouldnt eat it. Sometimes those feelings still accure, the only food I eat is that my mother or myself makes, I dont trust anyone.
I have awful little habits I cant let go of. I will only drink sealed water or eat food in a sealed packet, Once opened and closed I wont open it again because my mind tells me someone has sneakily put something into it!
I was going through old mia journals I had, and the feelings I had from the start of those journals are the same as I am beginning to feel now. I am trying to work out what is making these thoughts reacure more stronger than they usually are. Something that happened back then must have or may have happened again, or something similar of that, to make me think this way again. But I cant understand what it was.. unless it was due to coming out of a long term relationship, that which I am over, and moved on from, so could it be it?
I am already finding myself subconciously skipping meals, that is the start, I will never stick my fingers down my throat, that pain I dont want to feel again. I have strength in that sense I guess that is one positive thing.
I am not writing this blog for attenton or sympathy Im writing it to let it be known that this is a part of me you may get to know. By reading my blogs people will get to know me in a sence, and this is just something else about me.
No-one can change how I feel about myself nor convince me what Im doing is wrong or right, all I ask of those I know is support and to not judge nor treat me any other way that I would treat them in the same situation.
This is who I am, and others are whome they are.
Its scary to think that one part of my mind wants to revert back to old ways, only this time Im much stronger both mentally and physically. Though each day I wake I still feel the need to feel that pain, that releiving pain in my stomach that shows me I have control over something in my life.
Battling bulimia is not just about being thin it is to me being in control of something, especially when other things in my life seem to be far from in control! My control that is!
Its not hard to see I once battled this the scars on my knuckles show I succumbed to giving into mia! Mia was my best friend, the only thing that reassured me and made me feel better about myself. I wasnt depressed or angry at the world, I just felt out of control, I was siffering severe panic attacks and anxiety disorder that I couldnt control, but once I stopped bringing food to my lips I was in control of something. Food was poison to me something that once brought to my lips would mean to lose the battle. I still feel that now, I still feel that food is poison, even convincing my mind that everywhere I ate, people were putting drugs and poison in my food, so I wouldnt eat it. Sometimes those feelings still accure, the only food I eat is that my mother or myself makes, I dont trust anyone.
I was going through old mia journals I had, and the feelings I had from the start of those journals are the same as I am beginning to feel now. I am trying to work out what is making these thoughts reacure more stronger than they usually are. Something that happened back then must have or may have happened again, or something similar of that, to make me think this way again. But I cant understand what it was.. unless it was due to coming out of a long term relationship, that which I am over, and moved on from, so could it be it?
I am already finding myself subconciously skipping meals, that is the start, I will never stick my fingers down my throat, that pain I dont want to feel again. I have strength in that sense I guess that is one positive thing.
I am not writing this blog for attenton or sympathy Im writing it to let it be known that this is a part of me you may get to know. By reading my blogs people will get to know me in a sence, and this is just something else about me.
No-one can change how I feel about myself nor convince me what Im doing is wrong or right, all I ask of those I know is support and to not judge nor treat me any other way that I would treat them in the same situation.
This is who I am, and others are whome they are.
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Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
No need for worry by me... I will not judge you for what you are going through. We all have our own battles, self-destructive or not.
I am bipolar. I have dealt with the ongoing symptoms since I was around 15. It is something that people don't understand. They want to tell you that mood swings and mania are completely normal, "it's who you are"...*whatever* Have they ever been up at 3:00a.m. painting their kitchen cabinets because if they didn't do something, their head would explode from the pressure of racing thoughts? Nope...but it's just who I am. Okay.
People do not understand that having a label put on it, a diagnosis, brings relief. There is something wrong that you can't control. It's not you. You aren't crazy...Thank GOD!
You are who you are, Vizza,...in addition to being bulimic.
Good luck with your road to recovery...and keep writing!
Voices~
Comment by David my David
These are the bits of it that effected me most … the ones I most want to respond to:
something I know I will be battling for the rest of my life.
Battles? Believe that you can win the battles. Once you have conquered? No more battles.
Temptation will never go away in this life, but you can conquer this battle you’re talking about … and come out the other side as a Victor (over yourself) … You’re not battling temptation. Temptation is something independent of us. Ourselves. Who we are? That comes from inside of us. We have to learn to accept ourselves. We need someone to tell us they love us. I love this post. If I knew you. I’d say, I love you. You’re honest. You’re brave. You’re open. You’re naked on the page. And you don’t care what anyone thinks. That’s true bravery. Your post. When temptation to re-enter the battle field raises its ugly head like a demon, or a nine-headed monster. Chop it off. Immediately. Tell ‘Battle’. I conquered you once. I’ll conquer you again. And again and again and again. Get a bit angry with ‘Battle’ … Just say. ‘Go away.’ Or when ‘Battle’ raises its ugly head. Ignore it. That will hurt battle more than engaging in it … Have you ever been hurt by someone ignoring you? I have. I call it ignorance. It’s a human being ignorant that we’re all created out of the same flesh and blood, and saying to me, ‘I’m superior to you. I’m going to ignore you.’ But it’s actually worse than that … It’s a human being saying, ‘I’m going to be cruel to you. I’m going to make you suffer.’ Excuse me for a second while I just water my loungeroom with my tears over how cruel human beings are to one another. Hitler? I feel sorry for him. For one reason. I would have made Hitler look like a pussy if God had allowed me that much megalomaniacal power. I wouldn’t have just destroyed a race by genocide. I would have destroyed every other human being on the planet to let them know that I was better than them. See how insanity works? See the effects of Pride?
Why am I writing all this to someone I don’t know?
If you can name me a vice or a physical ailment I haven’t indulged in during my life … then I’ll go hee.
The depravity of human nature? They haven’t even invented a term to describe the degree I have in that. Doctorate? Pfft! I had a doctorate in human nature and the depravity of it not long after I got the use of reason.
You write:
my mind tells me someone has sneakily put something into it!
Here’s me sneaking into your mind and putting something sneakily into it.
I LOVE YOU!
YOU ARE HONEST!
YOU ARE BRAVE!
I LOVE THIS POST OF YOURS!
Sorry, lost all of my sneaky abilities there for a few moments ….
Had to yell though. You can’t hear your own voice.
Did you know that God Himself speaks in whispers … ?
God ain’t deaf.
He hears the groans of your spirit.
If I had a sliver of my former religion in me … I wouldn’t be writing to you …
I’d be down at the chapel praying my heart out for you …
I’d tell God. Yeah, I get angry with Him. Don’t worry about that.
I’d tell Him. If these tears mean nothing to you and you don’t make this woman’s life better. I’m abandoning my faith in You.
The third thing you wrote:
I am trying to work out what is making these thoughts reacure more stronger than they usually are.
The thing that is making these things recur so strongly?
You’re listening to them.
Stop listening to them.
I love you. You’re brave and honest and open …
Listen to that …
Tell yourself the same thing …
The fourth thing you wrote?
No-one can change how I feel about myself nor convince me what Im doing is wrong or right, all I ask of those I know is support and to not judge nor treat me any other way that I would treat them in the same situation.
This is who I am, and others are whome they are.
I’ve only got one thing to say to that …
No judgement … all support … all treating you in the way I’d like to be treated myself …
I love you … (in a non-met friendship way … We met through your words, okay ??? We have met … In an exchange of words …
I’ve never met God but I’ve met Him … I talk to Him because he gave me his words to read …
They’re in a book …
And I love books and words …
I admire you …
You’re honest …
David …
Sorry about the chaos of my reply … it’s pretty tough typing when you can’t see a damn thing through your tears ….
And all you care about is consoling someone …
and sending them a message like this …
instead of worrying about how badly or goodly it’s written …
You brave, open, honest soul you …
To post that on a website where everyone is more inclined to cut you to shreds than offer you sympathy …
You get my vote for the BEST ORBLE POST OF 2006 …
Comment by JohnR
Comment by Andrea
V8 Supercar Pitstop
A.H.
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
It is not easy to be stuck with something that people around you don`t understand, but there is always someone out there who knows how you feel. So never imagine that you are alone or what you are doing is wrong. We all have our different ways of dealing with things - the people who love you will not judge you for yours.
Don`t write yourself off about change, you would be surprised how, when you find the right place you need to be and the right person to hold your hand on your journey, you can change. And don`t be afraid to embrace change - be yourself, stay true to your heart.
May you find the place you need to be and surround yourself with people who will support you as you grow.
Ash
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Your post has affected me and I wish you much strength, from my own experience I know it is hard.
Best wishes,
Tracy
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
Wow, what a brave and honest post. I wish you all the strength and courage to battle your illness.
KylieW