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Stories: Put Them in Your Brain - by Jas

Stories: Put Them in Your Brain

Vegetables Gone Bad! Part 2

October 30th 2006 06:57

Juan and I held hands and prepared ourselves for what was to come. Actually I just placed my hand on his side as he is a Soccer Ball Ham and has no limbs to speak of. The demon-posessed Celery was still outside - on the other side of the Kelvinator door - baying for my blood and Juan's salty juices. "On three", I said as I resisted the urge to puke into the left over creamed corn at my side.
"One...two...thr-". I didn't even get to finish counting. Rising up behind Juan was a terrifying thing, a green, sinewy, evil thing. There was an awful silence as the spectre grew, finally completely overshadowing poor Juan. A low, gutteral growl shook the fridge and I could scarcely move as the evil Celery came at Juan, all thrashing stalks and flashes of green.

I felt terribly guilty but my first impulse was to take advantage of the distraction and make a get away. I could hardly watch as the wicked vegetable tore into Juan's succelent exterior. It was now or never.

TO BE CONTINUED...

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Posted By: Jas - Category: Existentialism

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VEGETABLES GONE BAD! Part 1

October 23rd 2006 18:10

VEGETABLES GONE BAD! Part 1

Juan the Soccerball Ham looked at me pleadingly. I don't know how he did this as he's just a lump of cured meat and has no eyebrows. We sat there together - freezing and exhausted - just behind a big jar of mustard pickles. I had to curb impure thoughts about Juan between 2 thick slices of sour-dough. He was my friend but by-gum did he look succulent.
We both wanted out but we knew that beyond the door of the Kelvinator was a seething ,merciless horde of demon-posessed celery just waiting for us to slip up.
Juan was getting panicky and he asked me to roll him a ciggie but I spat at him. "You're not going to pollute my chicken drumettes with cigarette smoke...you ham - you stupid, stupid ham!", I cried. Juan rolled the two places where his eyes would have been if he had them.

Outside there was a disturbing sound - like rats scratching the backs of Cornflake boxes - no - Weet-bix boxes. The tumult just beyind the fridge door was driving me mad. I wanted to burst out - ham in one hand, lit cigarette in the other and open a can of creamy whoop-ass on the crispy vegetables who now belonged to the Dark Lord. We had to come up with a plan to regain control of the kitchen - it was nearly dinner-time.

TO BE CONTINUED...

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Ravens or Crows?

September 12th 2006 11:25

Elsie from Woy Woy writes:

"Dear All Knowing Geek,
Here's a question to really stuff you up. My husband and I were arguing the other day about the big black bird sitting in our tree out back. I said it was a Raven - Dale said it was a Crow. What's the difference and what do you think it was? I've attached a pic."

First things first Elsie: get a hobby! Basket Weaving is probably a good start though I can really see you hitting the pottery wheel with reckless abandon!
I shall answer your question though so you can settle your debate with your significant other and end the undoubted copulatory drought.

There are six members of this family found in Australia, five native breeding species and one infrequent self-introduction. Three are called crows and three ravens, although there is really little difference. Most Australian species are similar in size and colouration, and can be difficult to tell apart. In some cases, identification is aided by the separate ranges of different species, but differences in plumage, habits and calls offer good clues for distinguishing them. The bases of the feathers of the crows are white, while those of the ravens are grey, although this characteristic is perhaps only of benefit if birds are held in the hand or if discarded feathers are found.

The Australian Raven, Corvus coronoides, is 52 cm. The feathers on the throat (hackles) are longer than in other species, and a bird tends to extend these when calling, while holding its head and body in a horizontal position. The territorial call is a slow, rather high "ah-ah-ah-aaaah" with the last note drawn out. Australian Ravens are usually seen in pairs. Another aid to identification of this species is the absence of wing-flicking while calling.

The Forest Raven, C. tasmanicus, is the about same size as the Australian Raven, but has a larger bill and shorter tail. The call is a deep "kor-kor-kor-korrrr", with the last note drawn out. Adult Forest Ravens tend to keep to solitary pairs and stay in the same region for much of the year, while younger birds form nomadic flocks.

The Little Raven, C. mellori, is slightly smaller than the two other ravens, being 50 cm in length. Its medium length throat hackles are not extended during calling. This species is quite sociable, sometimes forming large flocks. Its call is a much quicker "kar-kar-kar", and the wings are flicked with each note.

The call of the Torresian Crow, C. orru, is "uk-uk-uk-uk". Although not flicking its wings when calling, it repeatedly shuffles them after landing. The hackles are raised when calling. It is roughly the same size as the Little Raven.

The Little Crow, C. bennetti, is about 48 cm in length. It has a bill shorter than the head and gives a nasal "nark-nark-nark" call. Like the Australian Raven, it does not flick its wings when calling.

These five species are black with white eyes in adults. Young birds have brown eyes. The House Crow, C. splendens, is an occasional straggler from south-east Asia to Australia's southwest and southeast. It is mostly black with a broad grey-brown band around the neck and breast, and a brown eye in adults. It is the smallest of the six species (43 cm).

Young birds resemble the adults in all species, but have dark eyes, shorter throat hackles and often the presence of a pink, fleshy gape

So there it is - it seems you have a Raven in your yard and all this time he's been thinking to himself: "What are these two dickheads staring at?!"

Until next time - go pelt a vegan with cricket balls made of tofu...it's fun and vegans are easy to outrun.

- Information on Ravens and Crows taken from: www.mdavid.com.au

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Romancing the Geek

August 28th 2006 12:21

Katja from Eaglevale writes:

"Dear Geek, Is it true that 'love is all you need'?"
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What's It All Mean?

August 24th 2006 04:13

Nothingness. In the beginning there was nothing on the vast expanse of the blog page until The All Knowing Geek touched fingertip to key; and he saw that it was good. Amen.
The AKG is here for you. He was borne of the energies skipping to and fro across the internet. He sees all and knows all. Thankfully for humankind The AKG's enormous skullcap has now been cracked asunder and you're all welcome to feast on the delicious goo inside. You're now sailing atop the vast waters of my wisdom, trawling my knowledge of trivial, oft useless things.
All are welcome to ask The AKG's advice on life, love and methods of stain removal

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October 2006

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September 2006

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August 2006

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