Steer Clear Of Women With Pets.
October 16th 2008 09:31
"Slow down, Dildo!"
This is a continuation of Nothing Land. It’s the novel form of a screenplay about the childhood of a serial killer of the same name. But the novel comes from a completely different angle to the screenplay. Serial killer Kevin Mader is already in jail. Where even he admits he belongs. He’s writing down his thoughts and memories for the prison psych. For some reason, she wants to get into his mind. For some reason, Kevin is granting her access. Apart from being bored shitless, and just waiting to die or be killed, he likes having contact with her. It’s the first time in his life anyone has taken an interest in him or what he thinks.
Basically, it’s a work of fiction. Based upon extensive research. So, before you sharpen your anonymous knives? ??? And, I have to plagiarise someone else’s writing, find out where you live, stalk you and cut you a new arsehole, mutherfucka? ???
Steer Clear Of Women With Pets.
Sitting on a drawing pin hurts your botty. Sitting on five drawing pins really hurts your botty. You feel like a pin cushion. Or a bloke at a gay orgy for the visually-impaired. A blind faggot.
After I’d been in Grade 1 for a while, I always checked my chair for drawing pins.
Going to sit down on a chair when there is no chair there, and you land coccyx-first on the floor, also hurts your botty.
After I’d been in Grade 1 a while longer, I had to check that my chair was there. That it hadn’t been pulled out from under me as I was sitting down.
Laughter doesn’t hurt your botty. “Sticks and stones and drawing pins and non-existent chairs may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”
Two of the things I learnt in Grade 1 were: 1. The botty, or bum, or buttocks, or anus, or colon, or arsehole, or poo-tube, or fart-bellows is quite a sensitive area. 2. Popular kids at school are very insensitive.
I wasn’t popular at school.
At first, I thought it was because I was brainy. That the other kids were jealous of me because I was always top of the class, got 100% for every subject, and got to sit out the front.
But I was unpopular because the popular kids considered me weird. Popular kids consider everyone weird except themselves.
My Grade 1 Teacher, Miss Oddlum, or ‘Miss Odd Shoes’ as she was called, used to pat me on the head and say well done every time she handed the test papers back.
To the best of my knowledge, I still don’t think they’ve made a perfume to disguise menstruation. When you’re six years old, your nose it at adult crotch level.
When I think back, I’m sure that’s why I did good at school. Not the odour of a bleeding woman. Human contact, or human touch. And the encouragement.
I found out later in life that criticism for its own sake never made anyone a better person. And, if you go without human touch, life is very lonely and isolating. And woman only stink for a few days each month.
One of the things I learnt about the anus after I left school was why gays like sticking their dicks up each other’s bums. It’s a sensitive area.
It’s also a sensitive subject?
Apparently, you’re not supposed to call gays pooftas or fags. It’s hardly likely to get me into more trouble than 33 consecutive life sentences. I wonder if they’ll ever find the other hundred or so bodies?
How donut punchers came to be known as faggots is a tough one. The word originally meant a bundle of twigs bound up. They used to use these piles of sticks to burn heretics at the stake. Some of the heretics were fags. Well, all fags are heretics. They all come across as nice, schmaltzy, schmoozy characters on the outside, but inside they’re nasty, vicious God and straight haters. Only weak people who want others to like them, like fags and dykes. They care more about what other people think of them than what God thinks of them.
You have a lot of time in jail to read books like the Bible and the dictionary. Bibling up passes the time. And you learn more than you learn at school, if you teach yourself about things outside of school hours. Being in prison is like being at school, but you’re the teacher and the student. You can give yourself a pat on the head? And rub your tum-tum at the same time. But it’s hard to cheat. On yourself. Although, a lot of people are really good at it?
Do I hate faggots? It depends. Do you mean do I hate a pile of sticks or a gay poof who likes rimming his boyfriend, or mistaking his arse for a Vegemite jar in need of punching or a donut begging for its hole to be filled? Or steals straws from McDonalds and felches his boyfriend and pretends the sperm is leftover chocolate/vanilla milkshake because he’s high on drugs? Or says stupid things to straight blokes like, ‘Just imagine I’m a woman.’ Why not get a woman? What a stupid justification and self-defeating rationale against your own argument. I wish they’d all stayed in their closets. Where they belong.
If I hadn’t become a serial killer, I would have made an excellent inventor. Not just of stories. Of real useful appliances.
I even thought of developing a Velcro muff once. Going out with a fag, Velcroing it to his bumfluff, drawing some tits on his back with a big pink marker, sticking a cut-out picture of a supermodel on the back of his head, rooting him up the arse, and going, “Is this what you mean about pretending you’re a woman?”
How mentally deranged would you have to be to felch a man? What I did was normal. Everyone wants to kill someone at least once in their lifetime. We all say things like, “I’ll kill the prick.” But who gets angry and goes, ‘I’d like to felch the bastard?’ Only a faggot. Animals kill each other but you don’t see too many bulls looking for another bull during mating season. Bulls are into cows.
Faggots make me feel normal.
Nature teaches us heaps about being humans, but no-one takes much notice. Most modern people are into saving nature and promoting unnatural acts? Abort children and save the beached whale? It makes no sense to me at all. They’re all deranged.
Hasn’t the English language changed? I used to be able to say I was gay because I was happy, but I can’t say I’m gay now without being accused of being a gay? But if you’re gay you can say you’re a gay gay. Ga-ga more like it.
A lot of people will get on their politically-correct bandwagon and defend the disgusting, unnatural actions of faggots, and deny me my right to call them faggots. But they’ve never been to jail. They’ve never been fucked up the arse when they didn’t want to be. It’s all theory to them. They champion tolerance but won’t tolerate a person who uses the word faggot?
I’m not having a good day today. My botty is sore. Some nights in here you get butt-fucked more than once. But you did ask me to write down my honest thoughts as they came to me. People will probably accuse me of being a gay hater, but I hate women just as much as men. I guess I’m people intolerant. I don’t think I’m racist. I killed all sorts of people because they were people. Stupid, ignorant black, white and yellow fucks.
And let’s face it. Most people have their own little fetishes and private desires. Mine just happened to be killing people. Each to their own? When it comes to fetishes, women are the worst offenders. What’s with the dildos and the cats and dogs? What type of woman owns a cat or dog and refuses to admit she’s lonely for human company? Then uses a vibrating plastic toy on her own pussy? Only a man hater. If you’re male and want a good relationship with a woman, steer clear of women with pets.
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Comment by Morgan Bell
Science News
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Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
I don't really know how to respond to that. I'd call it coincidence.
I'll try and explain as best as I can. I'm enjoying writing this, because I love true crime novels, and I love method-writing. And the real point of this whole exercise is to delve even deeper in the screenplay. For a couple of reasons.
The main one is that many people in the film industry need everything explained to them.
Just before my first screenplay was produced, the Producer said, I just can't get my head around this. Why don't you write it into a stage play? My response was, It was based on a stage play I wrote. Once he'd read the stage play he got the film script. Screenwriting is a tough gig.
So I'm basically writing the novel after the screenplay so that if I have to deal with moronic producers I can give them a novel that might give them some insight?
But even then, they don't get it. Because most of them want to be able to write? And can't? Barton Fink explains it all to me. In fact I did have plans to watch the latest Cohen Bros film today, but I was too busy writing.
There are times when I'll sit for days on a Nothing Land post without posting it because I'll think thoughts like, that's a bit harsh. But at the end of the day, this is about a serial killer. And they are deranged, unhinged humans. And so I tend to block out thoughts like, What will so-and-so think of this? Will this offend someone? And just write it as I think it should be written.
There wouldn't be a greater cat lover on this site than Kleo (Kallikapsychosis). But I'm not leaving cat-hating things out of this out of the fear of offending her sensibilities, and she wouldn't want me to do that. She'd find the work as limp as brewer's droop.
Chuck Palahniuk's Fight Club was the result of his frustration with morons in the lit industry. This is my Fight Club. I'm not holding back the punches because someone doesn't understand it.
So, don't be spoooked. Put it all down to coincidence. And revisit the film, The Butterfly Effect?
Thanks for visiting.
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
yes....yes...yes...YES!YES!YE S!!!!!!
Now THAT is a mind Orgasam!
By the way, according to my word dictionary, thats not how you spell orgasam. It has all kinds of issues with sexual words.
That line means so much to me - I recently got into an orble slinging match where I was dubbed a racist....I told em, I just hate people. There are plenty of good reasons to hate each one individually without fussing about skin colours. They didnt get it.
Aw....Thanks for mentioning me. It makes me feel warm. You thought of me and I wasnt even here. And spot on cowboy, spot on. Writing is a free place, we shouldnt care what people think when we write.
No wonder Im bored with my blog.
And I adored Fight Club....Still go back and watch it. I only really love things that strike me, and frighten me, and Fight Club was too close to the truth to me. It could happen too easily. I think thats why I like Nothing Land too.....
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
hahahahaha @ this:
A slinging match on Orble? People not getting things?
As for Nothing Land? I'm only just warming up. I'm hoping to offend every minority and majority group before I'm finished.
Comment by Damo
I found a new reassurance in being a heterosexual in a gay gay world.
(Also I am glad that i do not kill people.)
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
It is a bit intense. I'll take that as a huge compliment, because it's meant to be.
I'm glad there's no-one around when I'm method writing, about manic, psychotic, sociopathic characters.
In one sense, it's not much different to method acting. Sometimes, I get the impression people think I'm joking when I say I'm a method writer, but it's very much about getting into the skin and mind and mood of the characters. And playing the role on the page.
All the world's a page?
I find it reassuring that as a straight I'll belong to a minority group.
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
I don't think you can write properly about a serial killer (from his own point of view) if you are worrying about offending people. Not if you want to do it justice.
This has all the wonderful ramblings and tangents that I would expect a deranged serial killers mind to be filled with.
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
I tend to put a few disclaimers in from time-to-time, to discourage bandwaggoners coming onto the blog thinking it's a political, thelogocial soapbox for their own warped ideologies, and not a fictional writing blog.
I love Kevin's ramblings and tangents.
All I need now is for Britney to proof read it, and add a few spelling errors and typos to make it twice as believable.
Comment by D. Armenta
The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
L.A.M.P.
That's rare enough for me to truly appreciate these days.
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
I've discovered over the years on Orble, that the more I write unedited, the more popular it is.
IT seems to me that a lot of us have had a complete gutful of political correctness.
I still temper my writing a bit on this site, but there are days when I get warmed up enough to go, who gives a shit?
Comment by D. Armenta
The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
L.A.M.P.
Keep wondering who gives a shit--please.
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
Don't worry. I save most of the unedited 'I don't give a shit' stuff for throwaway posts.
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
I love this piece, nothing witty to say, but I am scared of being honest with my opinion here and most certainly do not want to criticise you either, but I learnt something from my own writing guru, which may be helpful/useful to you here, maybe not?
How do I lay it down without seeming to compete?
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
Just say it as it comes to you. I'm sure I'll be able to cope. Constructive feedback is always welcome.
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
Sorry for delay,
coughing getting in the way ..
and now I am bombed on cough mixture
will try to simplify.
Quite simply then, whether in memoir or fiction it is recommended to be careful not to place your character in a vacuum, as he does not live in one... albeit although Kevin is withdrawn, I was left wondering if the real world impacted on him here and there? Sometimes disturbed people have incredibly sane values in other areas of import.
Lilla ..